Desperately seeking ....

Inspiration. . .

Dear Lord it's been a while since I've written....and I have a lot to say, but nothing that inspires me to sit in front of this computer for too long.

I'll tell you what, maybe I'll try it when it's NOT 1:45 in the morning. That could help.

Life cut short....

It's hard to realize how much your life can change from one day to the next.

One week ago I was laughing, singing loudly, and having drinks with friends in a little bar in my hometown. Flashing back to the old days, laughing how stupid we were....laughing on how stupid we ARE....rediscovering each other after years apart.

3 days ago I was joking about my 'date' with Nick, singing Toto's 'Rosanna' at 2:45 in the morning...

Yesterday, everything changed and the laughter stopped.

Chad Stevens has passed. Tragically taken so early in life. A child barely into adulthood is now gone without reason or warning. Death seems to know no boundries between young and old.

It's hard to think someone my age, or in this case younger than I, could die at such a young age. I'll admit, everyday I wake up hating my life in some way or another, I don't want to go to work, I'm in debt, I have too much to do at home...and so on and so on. But even though I wake up every morning with sigh, I also wake up happy to have just woken up. I myself never expected to make it to where I have now, but now that I have, I feel more alive now than I ever have. I can't concieve how one minute your with someone and tomorrow it can all be just history and memories.

It's not fair, is it? How can you take someone so young? Chad just graduated from college a few years ago, his life had just begun. As I write this I think to myself....why do we feel so invincible just because we're young?

This is the second person in just a few months that has died at such a young age. Rest in peace Ms. Tara. I did not know you, but I knew your girls and I know how much they loved you. A girl whose life was taken by one dose of Tylonel. It makes me start to think that maybe, none of us are as invinciable as we think we might be.....

Some people say that death is what gives life it's meaning. It's like a story, there's a begining (birth) a middle (life) and an end (death). It inevitably makes me ponder the age old question about the 'meaning' of life. The 'middle' is supposed to be your plot in life all those thing you've done until the end makes your story, but what if you get taken early? I've heard the meaning of life is giving life meaning, but what if you were right in the middle of developing that meaning?

You know how you feel when you turely care about someone and you look into thier eyes, the whole world stops, your heart seems to get bigger and you want nothing more than to be in that moment. Or when you hear from an old friend you cared so much about then and you can't do anything but smile and reminise. Or when your first child is born and you realize THIS must be the reason God put you on this planet. Or even as simple as 'nearly' getting into that car accident and when you take that really deep sigh when it doesn't happen, you look at yourself in the mirror and just have that sudden ... 'I'm alive' moment. All of these moments and much much more I think have to do with the 'meaning' of life.

I hurt so much to think that Chad and Tara will never get to have all of these moments. Only experiences one or two moments in life seems like a putting a dollar in the jukebox and only getting a 1/2 a song to play. I hope and pray that there's a moment right before you die, a 'flash' if you will of all of the feelings you 'should have' felt. Everything, from love to loss. That's the only reason it could all make sense and seem 'fair'.

As they say in life...it isn't fair. I hope in death is a little more accomodating. We all have our own truth, because none of us know for sure. We can only live each day as if it could be our last...none of us will, but it's a nice thought isn't it. I read in a book once written by a women who had a claimed to have an experience when she nearly died. It claimed basically we were all put here for a 'purpose' and no matter how insignifcant that 'purpose' may seem to some....the purpose was truely important.

Well Chad, your purpose was turely important. You touched many lives and brought joy to even more. May your purpose continue even into your death.

Thank You Chad. Your 'purpose' and memories will not be forgotten.

Let it snow??

Right now as I type there is a MAJOR snow storm heading toward Chi-town. See all that white stuff at the bottom of the weather channel doppler? That's SNOW BITCHES!

Times like this I wish I learned how to ski, or snowboard, or still know people who wanted to go tubing or sledding (sans lacerated hips).....why am I the only child at heart?

Damn I HATE the cold, but I'll find some damn snow pants and go do anything once. More than likely I'll fall....I always fall, but I do it while laughing! That's the fun of it. Trying...and trying and trying...what you thought everyone was perfect the first time they did something. HA! I don't think so. I'm sure even Shakespeare's first plays were pretty bunk. Instead I'm doing what I normally do on nights like this.

Don't get me wrong, I love nights like these cause I have an excuse besides, because I want to, to sit down and do these things. First, pop a nice bottle of wine, tonight a nice white, a Riesling. Second, what's better with wine than cheese? NADA I tell you, fresh mozzarella with ground sea salt, fresh ground pepper, a little garlic and fresh basil....mmmmm. Third, can't chill out without some seriously chill music....right now I have a little mix of Ascension, Oakenfold, Marley, Faithless, The Dead, Jamiroqai...and so forth playing. And fourth....me writing like I love to do.

Lately I've been writing a lot in private. When I first started blogging, no one I 'knew' read it. Then a few people I knew but would tell them about what was in my head anyway read it. NOW...well now, co-workers, friends, family, strangers and all have found their way to my blog. Not that I mind too much, I love expressing myself. I just have to take the time to get used to people reacting to me in real life to what I write in cyberspace.

My biggest problem, people are sensitive. I know I'm pretty emotional, but I don't take everything 'personally'. I could never work in my line of business if I did. A lot of people don't know how to take it for face value. I'm venting for cripes sake! This is where I get rid of it so I don't freak out on an innocent bi-stander. If your going to read it, you have to be able to take it in, and leave it here on the net. Think of it as reading my dairy without me knowing. You wouldn't want me to find out would you? Than stop reacting to it.

Words hurt, especially when they're honest...it hurts more when you have a voice along with those words...why? Cause sometimes it makes it more real. I write because it takes it all out of me. It puts it in a new spot, it helps me deal with the anxiety problem that I have. You know me, if I'm not taking care of someone....I'm not happy. Sometimes the person I'm helping gets on my last nerve, I express...deal. Right now, as always....it's taking care of me I have an issue with.

I'm working on it....slowly, I am going to become the person I want to be. Come on with a mom with OCD and a dad with ADD what did you expect :) ... You know me...I wouldn't just hurt anybody on purpose, I'm here for you before I'm here for me. I just need my place, and this is it. Well, here is where I get rid of some of it .. than then there's and all the crazy sex stuff (well when there is any)...that I only tell Liz...but you can just WISH I'd tell you all that.

I just hope you all want to go on this crazy ride with me....I promise...I'll be fun.

Thanks for giving.....

So I went home for the holiday. Back to Pleasant Prairie. Where I've actually never really lived for more than a few months here and there. But it's REALLY close to where I did go to high school and what not so it's as close as I'm gonna get.

All started with the circus on Wednesday. I bought tickets for my mom, pops, the bro and his wife and kiddies to go to the circus on Wednesday night. It was drama since last week trying to get everyone there (aka, the first time that weekend I wanted to kill my brother) but all came all saw and by the end of it, this girl was BEAT!

Thursday morning I got up early, actually LEFT the sink full of dishes my rommie had left and got on the road. I stopped at the oasis to get the biggest coffee I could...thanks George for buying me my sanity for the day...and made it home by 10ish. Talked it up with the p's for a while, found out some bad news....my grandfathers, sisters, husband died (did you get all that?) Of course I didn't bring any clothes to a memorial service so I wasn't going to make it. My mom, aunt and brother went to represent our side of the family. Thanksgiving was great ... until my brother got there and irritated the hell out of me (aka the second time this weekend I wanted to kill my bro.) It's family shite I won't post on here, but HELL can he push my buttons. Things calmed from there, until my brother started gay bashing at dinner and I nearly lost my mind. (aka the third time that weekend my brother almost lost his life)....mind you he's not against gays, but for whatever reason he still thinks it's funny and I still want to punch him in the face whenever he talks like that. He's not just hurting me but other members of my family ... those who can and can't hear him.

That night I went out with Nikki, Tif *her cousin, Jim *Nikki's husband, and Stan...Nik,Jim, and Tif were already drunk when I picked them up....so we went to meet Nick at a bar in the Harbor where I proceeded to walk in with the only black guy. Ha! I love bringing the designated black guy! We had a blast as usual!

Friday was pretty uneventful day time wise. I did win a Coach purse...my sister entered me in a contest and I won, and mom and I went to lunch, but I was more looking forward to later that night. Dinner with Matt, and meeting with old friends. Little did I know ...

I talked to Matt around 2 and we talked about going to dinner around 7ish. So I got myself all pretty and was ready to go, 730...no Matt...I call, no answer...I leave a message...NADA. I fricken HATE being stood up! So I grabbed a bite at home and called Nick to see if he wanted to go out. He was nice enough to come pick me up and go meet where we were supposed to meet everyone else. Guess who showed...one person, and not one I invited...BUNK. So we stayed at this bar that would be really awesome up here, but was kinda dead down there. Funk this we'll go to the Tavern at least there we can pick the music.

That's where I was sitting next to a guy and he and I started talking about nothing. He suddenly tells me I look framiliar....so I ask him his name thinking maybe high school, maybe not. Well turns out it was 'sort of' high school. It was the brother of a good friend of mine in high school. It was so great to catch up with him and find out what his sister was up to. We exchanged numbers and I'll contact him the next time I come up. Nick even took me to the Spot at 3am for burgers. What could be better than burgers from The Spot at 3am? NOTHING I tell you!

Saturday was a BAD nite, but bad I mean I spent most of it sick in the washroom. I wish I could say it was hangover, but no such luck. Those I know how to cure. I woke up this morning sick as hell and drove home. Laid about for a while then did the laundry. Messed with my 'space' for a while, now I'm off to bed....

I hope all of you had a Happy Thanksgiving and got to see all the people you loved! I can hardly wait to see who I'll get to see at Christmas!!

Scars

I started crying in the Dominicks today while grocery shopping. I don't cry in public, what's wrong with me? Well, day one of being a non-smoker for one, for two....I was wearing my iPod and Papa Roach started playing....I always end up crying to this song. It pretty sums up how I feel about Dayne and I's relationship....actually every relationship I've ever had....but Dayne I loved so it hurt more.

Why talk about Dayne now? It's been nearly 3 YEARS since we were over. I don't know. Old 'Scars' sometimes don't heal completely and they rear their evil head occasionally. That and I heard some rumors I didn't like about someone he loves, and I don't want to see him hurt as much as I "should" just to be a bitter bitch. Too much compassion as they say makes me want to protect everyone. When am I going to learn ... wearing my heart on my sleeve and taking care of everyone else but me isn't going to get me anywhere too quickly.

Hopefully these new life changes are going to bring something good and positive into my life. Something to make me wake up with a smile, go through my day with laughter and go to bed content with myself. I can to the best for everyone else, isn't it about time I did that for me too? (It's a rhetorical question, you don't have to answer).

Well, day one as a non-smoker is almost done and over with. Can't say it wasn't hard, but it was easier than I first anticipated. I've been sans roommate all day so being alone probably helped. Both her and I ... I have no one to snap at ... she doesn't get snapped at :)
I'll keep you posted. I promise I won't stay this serious...I plan on keeping my sense of humor, just getting rid of the nicotine :)

Scars _ Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion is in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
(But you didn't understand)
Now fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Making a difference....

In my own life I mean.

I'm approaching a very important date in my life. My sobriety date, November 11th. Veteran's Day to be exact. I have gone through many years of struggle and fight to get to this point.

For those of you who don't know, let me fill you in.

Right before high school ended I got involved with some people who weren't exactly the best for me. Sometime later, I was a junkie. I continued downward quickly by not exactly keeping the best relationships after high school. I was into mostly cocaine, but I did it all to be honest. Well everything but needles, couldn't bring myself to put it directly into my veins.

I was a full blown coke addict, but just as functional as anyone. I kept it hidden from my family, friends, even roommates. I went to work everyday, I got up everyday when I was supposed to, paid my bills on time, and never forgot anything I was responsible for. But I had my secret lifestyle. My bathroom trips at malls, my secret bumps at work, my trips to get my coke when no one knew where I was. All of it was my secret lifestyle and it went on for years.

One day, November 11th to be exact, I woke up one day and realized, I seriously don't want to live my life like this, and that day my coke was flushed and I spent my first day sober in nearly 3 years. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

After that first day, it just got harder. I actually had to DEAL with my emotions. Sure, I still drink, but I can take or leave a drink....and when I was sobering up, the last think I wanted to do WAS drink cause it just made me want drugs that much more. A lot of reality set in within that first year. I had so much anger and aggression, so much pain and torment, so much anxiety and depression. That first year was horrible and I thought nothing could feel worse than what I was feeling throughout that first year.

Then came the third year. I never thought somehow the third year could be worse than the first. How could it be? I already had 2 years of sobriety under my belt. I had a good job, good friends, what was starting to be a good life....but my mind was tortured. I would think to myself daily, if I could just keep going, I could get more done at work. If I could stay up longer, I can go out with my friends tonight. If I had more hours in the day I could accomplish so much more. Come on, one bump won't kill you, you've quit for two years, you can kick it whenever you want....it wasn't a good year for me.

Now here I am approaching my nine year ... yeah those of you who knew me then and didn't have a clue, I did say nine year mark and I am SO proud of this date I feel like making a T-shirt about it :)

My father found out about my habit years ago, but this year for the first time, I shared my struggle and torment with my mother. She was shocked, she was upset, but she deep down was proud because I did it, and I did it in the hardest way possilbe....Alone.

Everything I have and have done in the last 9 years is because of my sobriety. I have decided that working my way toward my 10 year mark, I am going to buckle down and SERIOUSLY make some life changes that I have been putting off or been lax about for most of my life. Before I started doing drugs I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The drug made me forget that. As most of you know I have come out and admitted my anxiety disorder for the first time in 11 years since I was diagnosed with it. I needed help. I wasn't sleeping, couldn't concentrate, was having daily panic attacks....it was my own little life in hell. This year, I got help.

I feel as though the meds are really starting to work now. I'm only working one job for the first time and I can't remember how long. I'm living in a nice apartment that's NOT in the ghetto for once. I have completed quite a few things. Now I have no excuses not to complete the rest of the accomplishments I want to make.

First of all, the smoking has got to go. Honestly, it's just another addiction I've helc onto. One vice I really don't need. Honestly who DOESN'T feel like crap when they've smoked too much the night before? Yeah, we've all been there.

Second, I have some debt to take care of. I keep spending money I really don't have and making myself deeper and deeper into a bad place soon I won't be able to help myself so I gotta do something about it. So I've gotta make some changes. One's I won't exactly LIKE, but they have to be made in order to make me a better ME! First one goes along with the second....I won't be able to quit smoking if I'm out and about drinking with a bunch of people who are socially smoking. For the next 6 months or so, I won't be going out more than once a month, unless there is a special event of some kind (ie birthdays and what not). At such special events I will VOLUNTEER to be destined driver to anyone and everyone...as long as you spot me a few Red Bulls now and then. I spend WAY too much money when I go out, and drinks and a bar lead to smoking and my goals not being reached.

You want to see me, which I really hope you will, you know how to find me.

I have some others I'll post as time goes on. I'm starting here...

This isn't going to be easy for me, I hope you will all be here to support me and deal with my mood swings during the anti-smoke time. I so love you all and it has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you, I just have to help me and now seems like the best time to do it. What better day to make a new start than the day you made the biggest new start of your life?

I hope you all understand.

Ch..ch..Changes...

I thought I'd share a little MySpace with you all...

Ok, so I switched up my top former 12 now 16 just to make some changes....

Shall I explain? Sure why not? Remember it's in order or how long I've known you not how much I love you or you'd all be #1 ....ok I'm going to hurl from that line....here we go:

Mer: Our should I say Mer, Mike and Logan since you can't go on ther without seeing how much she loves her family. She's my half brother's half sister. So in our dyfunctional world...That's family!

B: Even more fun, she's my half brother's half sister's half sister. Yeah I know you need a map, try being one of us trying to explain it. But again, it's family beeatch! Recognize!

Rich: This one's a little easier, Rich is my half brother. We have the same dad. I so love the fact that we've gotten to know each other after so many years passing that of COURSE he would be in my top 3. Blood runs thicker than water as they say. Besides, we both inherited this really cool ability to jump up on the soap box and go to town. I love ya bro.

Nikki: Known her so long she might as well be my sister. I got the cops called on me in like 2nd grade cause I was at her house playing when I should've been home...whoops..and the memories continue from there. I will always have a place in my heart for the Moore family! (her sister Becca is on my friends list too....)

Moss: AKA the very first 'roomie' I ever had. We ate mac n cheese everyday, dated guys who were best friends, and even started smoking around the same time...two peas, meet pod. We had some **cough,cough** rough times, but I believe that's cause we were young...and stupid :) You're my wonderwall too C.

Jimmy: I've know him what seems like forever. Back in the day I was just a kid working for the teen dance club, he was the bartender at the local hot spot. We worked for the same entertainment company, saw each other here and there...years later, we found each other crossing paths again. We're still good friends. I so LOVE this man.

Eric: What more is there to say, he's a work all his own. My very best guy friend and the love of my life. (not that kind of love) We shared some pretty great moments in life. From the great, to the stupid, to the what the...and even bad ones too. No matter what I could call this guy out of the blue and he'd be there for me. I'm so excited he found someone to share his life with! I can't wait to meet her!

Jen: Ok, so I know this is in order of me meeting the people on my list, and 'technically' I haven't met Jen yet, but she's marrying my best friend....she get a spot, and the spot right next to her future husband for that matter. Pound sand if you don't like it.

Jon Doe: AKA....Alan. The loudest craziest kid I know. I was his 'function girl' for years. I needed this kid exactly the moment he came into my life, he made me strong in the moments I needed it, and I like to think I did the same for him. You can meet the strangest yet greatest people when you proceed to call them a child molester in a crowded bar can't ya?

ICE: AKA....Alex. There is no truer friend than this guy. If I could get one of his famous hugs everyday, I don't think I could ever be unhappy again. He's the most passionate man I've ever met and for this I love him. Remember Alex, we promised 10 more years and if were still single....we're getting married :)

Moe: AKA....James. His laugh puts a smile on my face. You can't help it! His humor and heart make you just want to be his friend for life. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for James and Alex. Hopefully they already know that.

TFK: Who doesn't love 'The Fat Kid'? How could you not? From competative 'Scene It', to his fainting spells, to Bennigans memories, to even him constantly making jokes about doing me in the pooper. I love the fact that he can watch the worlds stupidest movies with me and LIKE them. He's my favorite kid! He's watched me laugh and cry....and he still keeps coming back for more :)

Luke: Well honestly who COULDN'T love my favorite dry storage partner? So many Bennigans nights, so many great memories. Or who could forget our night out at Red Star when the waiter blew up that glass....the night only got better from that moment on!

Katie: How to explain Katie? I met this chick when basically I insulted her...and she still kept coming back for more :) We share the same ex-psycho in our lives so we bonded. Come on...what other 2 girls in life would you want making you hot chocolate and running for pizza?

Mia: The Korean Sex Machine....or so I hear?!? :) I love this chick. We met when I worked at Half Day forever ago, and became friends in the last year or so when I met up with her again. This girl has a huge heart that gets walked on as much as mine does. We have the same guy friends so you know we both have GREAT taste! The best is yet to come I'm sure :)

Last but not least:
Grill 21: My regular hangout. How could you not like a place where 2 of my top 16 work at, not to mention the numerous others from my friends list that work and hang there with me. You wanna see most of MySpace on Friday night....we're at the Grill :)

TA DA...and if your curious...click on the on the link to your left that says MySpace not your space and you'll find ME! :)

MySpace rant....

Stop, just STOP!

Seriously, who ARE these people?

You all know exactly who I'm talking about. The random people that email you on MySpace with fabulous lines like....

"You're beautiful, wanna chat? Love ya...."

Really you love me? You don't even KNOW me?

"I'd love to hit it sometime if you interested."

What in the HELL would make you think I'm interested? Is it my profile pic? Just to let you know, that's ART people by a pretty famous artist...Bounce!

"I hope you life is exciting, if not hit me up"

Are you kidding? Pound sand loser....

"U B one slammin' bitch, we should hook up"

Yes, these are ACTUAL quotes people. Why are you emailing me in text by the way? Those extra letters too hard to type? If you can't hold a conversation without using an extreme amount of slang, that includes everything from hillbilly to hip-hop....I'm not interested.

Just FYI if you have a monster truck on your page, are posing with a shirt with the sleeves ripped off, have a gay ass screen name like 'Domino' or 'The Man' or have a quote like, 'I'll make you scream' or '#1 Ladiesman' and I don't know you to know it's a joke, believe me I'm not going to email you back.

Just to mention it while I'm on the subject, stop requesting to be my friend if I don't know you. I don't just 'randomly' accept friends. You're NOT a 'friend' if I don't know you....stop asking. If you WANT to be my friend, send me an intelligent email that does not ask me to AIM you, or give me your phone number on the first email and MAYBE just MAYBE I won't think your a total freak.

Alright, I'm done.....

....and to that 'someone I've never met before' and you know who you are, stop asking about anal sex....you never stood a chance.

Wow....

WHAT THE?! Yeah, that's what I said! It's all explained below:


What a week. Let's just say it was definatley a 'trip'.

I had a really, really crappy week at work and decided to cure it with alcohol on Friday. Getting myself in to trouble as usual. Note to self: Don't pound alcohol if you haven't eaten all day.

Saturday I nursed a minor hangover and decided it would be best of I stayed IN the house since I already caused enough trouble :)

Sunday, got up early and went to the gym. As I was leaving the gym I got a text from Liz, her Grandfather passed. From knowing Liz I'm sure that her Grandfather was a great man with a beautiful soul. I wish her whole family my deepest sympathies.

Today I found a picture on MySpace of my best friend Eric proposing to his girlfriend. That's what the picture is above, DON'T FREAK :). I'm totally shocked since I haven't even met her yet. But I'm SO happy for him. He deserves the best, and from what I've heard from him ... she's the best. I'm excited to actually hear from him now....AND I'D BETTER! :) CONGRATS!!!



Anyway, just catching you all up on the life....

Just a little somethin' somethin'

I think I listened to this song about 9 times today....I seem to be relating to it a lot lately. That and as always 'Someone' by Ascension .... I'll always love that song.....it's so me.

Believe it or not I'm not really feeling 'lonely' just aggravated with the opposite (as well as my own) sex. I just want some peace and contentment in my life right now. Well that and for me to feel better since I've been sick for so long. I'm destend for it! Aren't I? I've had more bad luck than any one person should.

Fresno

Toca's Miracle

If you're gonna save the day
And you're hearin' what I say
I feel your touch your kiss, it's not enough
And if you believe in me
Don't think my love's not for real
I won't take nothin' less then a deeper love

[Chorus:]

Let me tell you
You, no I, I need a miracle
I need a miracle
Its more physical than
What I need to feel from you

Tell me that you understand
And you'll take me as I am
You'll always be the one to give me everything
Just when I thought no one cared
You're the answer to my prayer
You lift my spirits high
Come on and rescue me

You want it....

you got it people!

So first of all I'd like to say I LOVE my Fat Kid.....what other person would sign on and leave a message as Jessie Spano on my comments.

Like I said there's so much to tell.

The month of August was jammed PACKED full of stuff for me. So I don't bore you I'll give you the two major highlights of my summer!

First and most important, I got to see my brother for the first time in 16 years. Rich and I started communication thanks to the world wide web a few months back. When I found out that he was coming in for a visit I was SO excited and nervous all at the same time. If you have never experienced what it's like to have a blood relative out there in the world that you barely know anything about and finally after years you get to have some time to have a heart to heart....you'll feel your heart warm like you wouldn't believe. It's SO special.

And to top it off we took some girls I know out to Boy's Town for the first time. Good times....good times. But what happens in Boy's Town STAYS in Boy's Town :)

Then I got to go visit one of my favorite girls in the whole world...my Lizard. This girl is like my little sister I love her so much. (I love you too Beth don't worry)....She moved to New Orleans a few years ago so this was the frist chance I got to see her in a while. I spent 4 1/2 days with her and I could've just moved there I had SO much fun. I made the discovery that they make everything with 'Everclear' and not just a shot...quite a few shots... I was wondering why one daquiri made me buzzed :) I didn't want to go, but I had to come back to work. I know for sure it won't be so long between visits now though...

September has for the most part calmed down. My friend Alan came in this past week and I took a few days off to spend with him. I'm SO tired from going out now....I'm almost glad he went home when he did or I might have collased with exshaustion!

I'm still sick for those of you who are wondering. Insomnia is still in full effect...and this cough/cold/whatever the hell it is just won't go away! The doctor has me on antibotics now again, but I'm starting to get really depressed because of it. I can't run, the antibiocs have steroids in them so just when I was losing weight...I have to take a drug that makes me gain. YEAH!

So that's it for now. I'm going through some other stuff right now that's causing me some frustration, pain, migranes and tears....but it's not something I'm willing to share with the web just yet so I'm keeping it to myself for now.

Check ya later...

I also went to New Orleans

NO TIME.....There's never any time.....

Ok, classice Saved by the Bell for that title....


I have LOTS to tell, but no time right now...so watch for a major update from ME...very soon.

Blur....

That's exactly how I feel about this past weekend.....it was a blur.

I made peace with someone over the weekend I never really thought I'd make peace with. It was a door that finally closed in my life. It has been shut for a few years now, but not lacthed so to speak.

I needed to get some things out of my head. I needed this person to know I cared, but I didn't 'care' like that anymore. There's love, then there's LOVE. I love this person, I always will. But it just can't be like it was in the past. I took advantage a bit due to intoxication (ok so I was a little tipsy) but I'm sure they know that. Hell, it's been a while since we spoke so I thought, why not try and push some buttons, just to see if I still could. It worked, but I probably shouldn't have done it and I apologized.

I was dog sitting so I ended up alone at a friends (with the dogs anyway) . Contemplating a lot. I really loved this person, but I realized, I really love myself too. I like who I've become without them in my life. I've moved to a really good place in my life and I enjoy being here. I don't need anyone in my life to make that better or worse. No one completes me, but me. The other day a friend of mine said it best, 'you're much happier when your single, I like single Dawn better.' I have to agree with that. I've had enough drama in my life, now I'm doing really well about keeping by the sidelines for the most part.

I also realized I think this person really needs a friend, someone they can call when they just need to scream about something and they can get honest reactions with, or have a shoulder to cry on when everything seems to go wrong....I have many of those. I don't think they do. So I'm extending my hand to them in hopes they can accept it as just that. Friendship. I know words have been 'exchanged' in the past out of jealousy and anger....but we're grown ups and if you need me to be here for you I will ... but I'm not going to push so you know where to find me.

On a side note for those of you who knew about my crying fit with Big T last week. He still hasn't called like he said he would.....so basically as one door closed, another is left WIDE open. No drama this time, but a lot of emotion and raw feelings came out of that one. I ruined our friendship a long time ago when I cast him aside at the request of another, I suppose me crying in his car at 6am wasn't going to make it better overnight. Again I'll repeat ... I don't need him in my life, I just would really like him to be. I was myself with him more than I was with anyone and he appreciated me for it. Besides, who else brings me porn home from NY? You can't have more than one 'Porno Claus' in your life ... that would just be awkward. :)

Lost.....but found

I found the most amazing, heart wrenching, tear jerking, wonderful gift today.

Something I got a LONG time ago from someone very special to me and has always held a place in my heart. Years ago, I lost contact with this friend, but he never left my heart.

A few years ago I got the worst email I've ever gotten in my life. This man that made such an impact on my life at one point in time, had taken his own life. I never did find out why, hell I never even found out where the funeral was. I just know I cried more than I had cried in a long time and even though this friend and I hadn't talked in years, I had a void in my soul now that he was gone.

Randy was an amazing soul, for those of us who were fortunate enough to meet and let Randy in our lives, we are better more amazing people because of it.

The gift I found today.....a wonderful Valentine's Day card he hand made for me with this note inside.....

Dawn,

I've written this card about four times and still can't get it right. Everything I try to express my love with words, they sound empty. It's hard to verbalize pure emotion. Instead, I've decided to put my promise to you in writing.

I will always love you. If you need or want anything, a friend, protection, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, money, food, shelter, an escape, or just someone to talk to, I will be here to give that to you. No matter what, you will always have my heart.

You are the nicest, most beautiful, and caring friend a person could ask for and I am honored that you let me into your life, even though I don't deserve someone as good as you.

Dawn, I love you.

Happy February 14th
Randy

......all I have to say to that is, if all of this was true Randy .... I would be describing you, not the other way around.

I hope your soul is free now, and your at peace. Someday I'll be there to join you to tell you what I should have told you over and over since I got this card, how much I love you too.

Sometimes.....

My Mom said something the other day that made me think.

For those of you who know me you know my Mom doesn't have a lot of 'social skills' so to speak freely to a lot of people. So she spends a lot of time speaking her mind to me. I don't mind. I prefer it. My feelings on the whole thing is at least she has someone to talk to. I'm glad she feels close enough to me to say the things she says.

Only problem is.....sometimes it hits hard. I've learned how to talk with my Mom to make her feel better. I'm her daughter....that's what you do. But sometimes, it scares me. Scary because I see me in her and her in me. Please don't get me wrong, my mother is a wonderful woman. Yes, we had our rough times. But she has never done anything but love and care for us kids in her lifetime. Granted.....it was rough, though a lot of her life, my life and that of my brother. I can tell you though, if you truly look in her eyes, you can see the love, and the love she truly craves.

The other day while we were talking she says to me.....'Sometimes I wonder why I was ever put on this earth.' My response....to have a beautiful daughter to make your life worth while :) Both of my parents have made mistakes. LOTS of mistakes. Honestly who hasn't. We all have issues. Some of them big, some small. Regardless, we've all made them. That's what makes us.....us.

If you looked into my parents eyes, I mean REALLY look.....you would see what I see. The deep down love they have. The satisfaction that all, and I do mean ALL of their children are grown and as 'happy' as they are in their lives. My Pops isn't the best at expressing his emotions, but I KNOW my Dad. I see the pain in his eyes because he lost his children. I see the love he has for all of us, even if he can't put it into words. I see my Mom trying to keep it all together when she still searches for a way to have a relationship with her son.

I couldn't help but think after my Mom said what she said......what is my reason for being here? I'm 28...obviously not having kid anytime soon....not in a job where I'm not replaceable....I haven't even done anything you could stand up and say....'That's my girl'. Why am I here? Shouldn't have I have found a reason and way to 'make my mark' by now.

I know, I know....I'm "young". But this isn't what I imagined. I did at one point want the wedding, the kids, the picket fence as they say. When did I give up on that "dream". Anyone who knows me knows I've moved past those years. Everyone I grew up with is 'getting married' or in that long term relationship. I've never been able to make it last more than a year and a half. Most people.....besides family, get pretty sick of my 'independence' and 'sarcasm' within a few months. So, what am I supposed to be doing with my life? What direction am I supposed to be moving in?

Don't answer that. I know the answer....no one knows what they're here for....you just have to live life one day at a time and hope that one day, it clicks. Or even better....it'll happen when you stop looking for it.

Done....finished....stopped looking for it YEARS ago. I know wife and kids is NOT what I'm destined for I've accepted that....I just want a clue....a direction I should be moving in....a hope that one day I just won't feel like a speck on this world and feel like I've made a difference in someone....anyones live. Mer did it for my brother. My brother did it for Melissa, my parents for me. My Mom for my Dad and vica vera.....when do I get that? It's not a lot to ask.

I guess I'll just sit here and wait for that moment. Maybe it'll take someone like me pointing it out to my Mom to realize why I'm here.

....maybe I should just take better notes :)

Interesting ....

That's the only word to describe Friday night.

I couldn't wait to go home! I was meeting Beth for martinis that night. I called Stan to come with since he hadn't seen her in forever like I and we cruised on up to the Grill.

When Beth got there it all started well. Martinis flowing of ALL different colors. Red, Blue, Green, White, Pink...and so on. Alex our favorite bartender likes to ask you what your favorite color is and will make you the greatest martinis of that color. It's the best.

Now, I know Beth. Two martinis and she's pretty buzzed. I saw her starting her third and knew it was going to be a GOOD night. Beth's boyfriend shot down herself image a week or so before, so it was my night, and my duty as her best friend to make her feel better for a few hours. First was the dancing...and Beth and I can JAM, let me tell you. We know every more each other is going to make so we dance perfectly together and make each other look GREAT! Then she moved to her fourth martini....that's when it all got funky :)

Beth mentioned to me she should've 'had relations' with a certain bartender back in the day when she had the chance. I laughed, I know it's the alcohol talking and Alex is a huge flirt so I see where this is going. He flirts, she flirts. Rings are stolen ... she slipped him her number. I laugh knowing she's not going to remember doing this tomorrow.....and THANK GOD it's Alex and not some random jerk in the bar.

By the fifth, the drunk dialing started. She disappeared. I know Beth better, I knew she wasn't leaving. So when we went to go leave, I walked up to her car. She's on the phone, crying, talking to the boyfriend. She immediately hands me the phone telling me she can't talk to him. I answer, I get yelled at, and hung up on.

His damage was Beth was more than an hour from home and drunk. Like there wasn't 10 people there that wouldn't have let her drive home even if she wanted to. I knew she was crashing at my place already, DUH! Alex even offered to drive her home if she really wanted to go. She was of course not being rational cause the alcohol was talking, but I got her back to my place where she belonged.

She refused to lay in bed, and propped herself in my recliner. I made Stan and I some LATE dinner. Dirty rice and garlic chicken. I then threw him off to bed and sat on the couch for a few hours till Beth woke up.....HUNGOVER already. :)

There was a lot of why did I do that? And damning Alex for making such good martinis....then I told her about the phone number slip...and laughed at her. She felt bad, I thought it was great and just what the doctor ordered some time out with friends.

Hopefully she's doing fine. She attempted to think she ruined her relationship over all this. If this guy breaks up with her over a drunken dial, I told her, then he can go to hell. She deserves better and more than that.

All I want for her is to be happy. If it's with this guy, I'm happy too. But if I get treated like that ever again by this man, and see her that upset....someone might get hurt. :)

Call me Bethany!

This one's for Beth!!!

Most of the things in this test were done with YOU!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

You Are a Very Bad Girl

You are 10% Good and 90% BadAs they say, good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere!You make most bad girls look like angels - and have a hell of a time along the way.

Are You a Good Girl or a Bad Girl?

Which sex in my city?

I'm cool with this, except I don't have a closet full of clothes.....I'd better get working on that!!

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

Exactly when....

do we grow up? When is that moment we have to start conducting ourselves as adults and stop taking as many chances as we did when we were kids?

You know what I'm talking about. When we were younger we went at situations without thought or fear. Now that we're older there's an entire thought process behind everything we do from the time we get up in the morning till the time we go to bed at night. Sometimes even in our dreams we over think things.

When did this happen? Why is it at 28 I'm looking for those no thought moments in life? The fly by the seat of my pants moments were nothing matters at that very moment other than exactly what's happening? The enjoyment of the moment that were in.

Instead we take those moments and over analyze them to the fullest extent. There's the guilt, the pain, the consequences of our actions, the thoughts on who we might hurt, or who might hurt us. This is exactly the reason I can't open myself up to people. I prefer to have many fleeting moments of excitement, than the mundane of the over thought process.

I think like a man. I don't see anything wrong with casual sex, or the occasional hook up with someone who isn't exactly Mr. Right....or even Mr. Maybe, just someone who makes you laugh and you feel a hard attraction to that person. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal who can get dressed up and go out when she needs to. I'm nearly 30, I don't want kids....hell I'm pretty sure I don't even want to get married in this day in age. I just want to be able to have those moments where I feel like a kid again.

Is that so wrong?

Thanks.....

I just wanted to say thank you to all of my friends and family who have supported me through this lastest break up of mine.

....although it was for the best, it still hard to get through and as usual, I'm just throwing myself into the job, so if you haven't heard from me...Gemina...it's becasue I'm terribly busy right now.

As the saying goes, breaking up is hard to do.

And another one bites the dust....

For anybody out there that cares, after nearly a year, Chris and I broke up last night.

My Dad used to joke that my song was 'Another One Bites the Dust' by Queen. Today I heard that song 4 times. I'm pretty sure that joke is coming true.

I loved him, I did. It was hard, but mutual. We're both at different times in our lives right now and while he needs to 'grow up' a in a sense, I need to grow up in another. I have a lot of things going on. A lot of change on my plate, besides the newly single life again.....and the quitting of my second job. I have a lot of emotional things to deal with.

I'm getting better. It's a slow and steady process that I'm trying to remember is not going to be an overnight fix. That's hard when you have an anxiety problem. Slow and steady wins the race though.

For now I'm going to concentrate on my summer. Summer of weekends off and relaxation! I might even have some fun :)

Yes, AGAIN

So last weekend I moved.....AGAIN.

That would make 6 times in 3 years. Don't be jealous! I swear this is my last time for at least 2 to 3 years. It's TOO much for me, and my anxiety problem.

This time was just that much more fun....

First, since the guy who bought the house I was living in was an ass...we officially had 15 days to find a place to live and clear out the old house. Not an easy task considering there was 25 years of accumulated stuff in there. Now I just about done packing the week before we moved. My roommate not exactly as anal as I am...so I was 'freaking' so to speak.

Second, we didn't actually get a place to live until about 6 days before we had to move.

Third, on the Saturday before the move I came down with what I now think was a mild case of food poisoning. I spent most of the day moving things to the new place, and throwing up.

Fourth, the HOTTEST day of the year...with humidity over a 100 degrees, we had to move all of this STUFF to the new place on the second floor. Did I mention I had food poisoning? NOT fun.

Fifth, we're on the second floor. Our couch was NOT getting up the stairs. No if's and's or but's about it. So since I had enough boys here....we ended up having to launch it over the balcony with the aid of a tow rope. Did I mention my anxiety problem at this point.

Sixth, I decided to go to a party with Chris since I was so wound up I needed a break. The next morning we went to go drop of his daughter so we could get back here and I could get going on the house. To bad his ex wasn't on my same schedule since she was more than an hour late! I didn't get back here till late afternoon, so not much got done.

I was 'interesting' to say the very least. I spent most of the week with Heather unpacking and getting our stuff in order. Now we finally have a house to speak of. I even went to the grocery store to day so we could have REAL food in the house instead of take out.

Good news is....I quit my 2nd job. FINALLY! After 4 years at the restaurant it's time for a little 'me' time. I haven't had a summer to myself in nearly 12 years. I think I deserve it. Actually I KNOW I deserve it. I'm excited to see what the summer brings.

I also got to go out with an old friend this week. Rob and I went to high school together. We met up again at the reunion. We had dinner and talked till nearly 2:30 in the morning. I'm pretty sure after catching him up on my life the last few years, he thinks I'm crazy.....

....but all of my friends figure that out eventually. That's why they love me.

So, now I have a new house, and a new life beginning. I'll be sure to keep you posted on all the exciting events. I can blog more now that were settled in the new place, so watch for me. :)

Memories....

In the last two and a half weeks I have found some of the worlds greatest treasures.

Old friends.

There are many people whom you look back on life and have a memory or two you’ve shared and were able to smile about. Some memories will make you even laugh out loud, but there are very few people you can look back on life an have a memory you can feel in your heart. The kind of memories that bring a tear to your eye and a smile to your face the same time.

I have very selective memories from my childhood and teenage years. To be perfectly honest…not many of them are all that great. For whatever reason my mind tends to remember the bad before the good. Then again in this day in age either you grew up in a dysfunctional home or an overly spoiled one.


I have never been ungrateful for what I have. There are people that are quite a bit less fortunate than I am. I had 2 parents, who were still married, a rarity in this day. A roof over my head, and clothes on my back. All though not the most fashionable of clothes, they were clothes and I was grateful. Hell, I was even feed three meals a day; that’s nothing to knock, in my hometown; that can be very rare.

But, in the last two weeks I have just had a FLOOD of good memories come back to me.

I went to my reunion. 10 years it’s been since I’ve seen most of these people. Some of them I could have gone 10 more, others I wish I wouldn’t have lost touch with as much as I did.

Jeff, what a great soul. I don’t have a single bad memory for this guy. He’s a fantastically talented musician, has the ability to challenge you opinion without demeaning it. Funnier than you would ever expect. I could sit with this kid for hours….and I have. He has such a great mind and is going to do great things with his life.

Chris, probably one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. This kid I’ve actually known since GRADE SCHOOL too. I hung out at his Dad’s restaurant when I was a kid, eating fries and drinking Glen Rock soda. I’ve even seen this kid snort sugar. He’s moved away to California to start a career. Moving away that far away from Zompton is a huge feat so my hats are off to him. Chris’ future will be bright due to his positive outlook on everything I wish him the best and hopefully we’ll see each other again before the 20th reunion.

Nikki, the kindest hearted woman I’ve ever known. Granted I’ve seen and spoke with NikMo a few times since graduation, but that night we really got to be together again. Just like old times we sat back and laughed on old memories, cried and some harsh realities, and caught up for the first time in 10 years. I got to see her Mom for the first time in forever, and just her house brought back memories I thought were gone a long time ago. She was always a wonderful friend and her family was like my own. I hate the fact I missed so many big moments in her life. Her graduation from college, her engagement, and even her marriage. But, we can’t take back the past, and I am confident we will have more memories to come, and personally I can’t wait to see what our future holds.

After few days after my reunion I was cursing MySpace when I got a message from and old friend Alex. I haven’t seen him for nearly 4 years and here he was sending me an email wanting to meet up. The next day, I went to the bar he works at and sat with James, an equally old friend. It was so surreal to realize I spent quite a few years hanging out with these guys creating the craziest of memories….like falling asleep with your arm around a pizza.

We were young and drunk most of the time, but even though we stuck by each other through good and bad. Alex even drove me into Wisconsin and WALKED home from my house when I was intoxicated one night. I missed them, especially Alex. We worked together at one time and had good time doing it too. Besides he can make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world when I look my worst. That’s a good friend. I’m hoping we continue our friendship for a long, long time. No more 10 years between visits.

Oddly enough that Saturday I went out with a few friends from work….and whom should work at the bar I went too? Jimmy, another old friend. He took care of me in many hours of need and always gave me a place to lay my head when I was too tired (or drunk) to drive home. He’s even made me dinner before work. I love this man, he’s the reason I met people like Alex and James. I’m truly grateful to all of his warmth and friendship through all these years.

The best was yet to come of course. Monday Alan came home for a visit. Alan and I met when I proceeded to insult him in front of his buddies….a couple nights later he bought me so many shots from across the bar I was toast. We’ve been friends ever since. I was Alan’s official ‘function girl’ for many years. One summer my Mom even swore I’d been to every wedding in Lake and Cook County. Alan could make me laugh on queue and yet would sit and listen to my every word when I had a problem. He’d hug me when I was down, he’d party with me when I was up. We took each other through a rough time in our lives….all while freezing without a sweatshirt. (Inside Joke) Now that I’ve found this kid again, I’m hoping even if he is Texas, we can be continue to be close.

I hope all of these people know, as well as my good friends I do see on a regular basis, that I will ALWAYS be here if they need me. I may not party every night, I may not always be seen….but I’ll be there at 3am when you need a listening ear, or a sober ride home.

You all have grown in so many ways, as well as I. I’m excited to see what all our futures will bring. Through good and bad, thick and thin….these are, and hopefully will be, the people I’d like to spend it with. I love you all.

Sheryl CrowAlways on Your Side

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought you'd be
Leavin' me with no place left to go from here
Leavin' me so many questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are we left to wonder, all alone, eternally
But is this how it's really meant to be
No is it how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

MIA

Yes, I know I've been missing in action.

Like I said before I was trying to find myself. Still looking to tell you the truth.

I'm sleeping again, with the aid of medication. It's a good thing and it's helping a little. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing most of my day wasting it on things like 'sleep'. Honestly, I used to have twice as much day. Now I have sleep. My body craves to sleep now all day, but of course with my hours, that's impossible.

The anxiety meds...well, I'm giving the some more time. So far, well I don't really feel better or worse. Just lethargic. But things like that take time to work so I'm going to give it some more time before I just give up on it.

On a happier note, my sister Meredith, and her husband Mike, and their new baby Logan were in town this week. Logan is the CUTEST thing ever, ok I'm biased but really he is. My family got to see him crawl for the first time this week which just make the trip out here so much better. It's nice to share such a moment with family.

Yesterday was my brother and my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Rich and Pops. I hope it was a good one, even if it was on a Monday... :)

And finally, my high school reunion is this weekend. TFK is going to be my DD for the night. My best friend from high school, Nikki, and I are going together. TFK insists on wearing a button that says I was born in 1983 just for the humor factor. Yeah, whatever Kivi.....don't be jealous.

I'll fill you in on the details after this weekend.

....well, maybe I will.....

...finding myself

So I haven't blogged in a bit. Mainly because I've been battling some serious demons. I decided to let you in on some of it.

To put it bluntly, I have insomina. That might not seem so bad at first glance. I've had on and off insomnia for about 11 years now. Trust me, it's not fun. 11 years ago when this first started I landed in the hospital. Not the good part either, the psych unit with the other crazy cats who suffered from everything from behavior disorders to alcoholism to suicidal attempts. I was there for what seemed like forever, and when I left I was really no better than when I started....but at least I was sleeping. Skip forward 1 year later and I had a drug problem. Started out hanging with the wrong people ended with a drug habit because what else is there to do at 2am than stay up with the other coke heads. This type of thing went on and on about every two years...the sleeping not the drugs.

Now at 28 and sober the cycle starts again.

The last 2 or 3 months now I haven't been sleeping. You see, even when I do actually finally FALL asleep, I don't STAY asleep. I wake myself up violently throughout the night. With the pushing of my mother and father, decided to finally get help. Mainly because my little sleep disorder was slowly driving me crazy and affecting my work. Turns out, I'm more than just tired. I have an anxiety problem as well. I always knew that, but never wanted to admit it. I didn't want the drugs, especially after I sobered up. I hated the drugs they put me on in the hospital and only took them for a few months after. But now I see where it's just not going to get better unless I just let it go and take the meds. There's so many advances with medication now a days I'm sure I can find one that I don't hate.

Now those of you who know me may be confused, I don't seem THAT anxious all the time. Ok, so I go like wildfire most of the time working the two jobs, but anxious, not really. Well, I'll tell you a secret. Most of the time I am. You see, I can't NOT sweat the small stuff. The small stuff it what makes me crazy. I get jumpy and my mind races in millions of directions and I can't make a firm decision to save my life with out freaking out about it in my mind. Trust me the movie rental place is my worst enemy. Even sitting in the doctors office I couldn't sit still or stop shaking, not out of fear or nervousness, just pure anxiety. It's slowly effected everything in my life. Work, relationships, friendships, family...everything. I could cry at the drop of a hat, yet get angry in the same minute, all at the same time as keeping a smile on my face and not letting the world see. It seemed like a weight being lifted when I told the doctor all this and he told me it' s NOT normal and that it can be helped.

I started a regimen of Ambien CR to help me go to sleep and stay asleep. Which, let me tell you, is a WONDERFUL thing. I've only been on it for about a week but it's doing it's thing and working for me. I can't remember the last time I SLEPT for 8 hours straight without waking up. I'm also on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. It releases chemicals in my brain I wasn't producing before. I apparently produce TOO much adrenaline too so that wasn't helping one bit. The anti-anxiety meds will take about 3 weeks to kick in so until then I'm trying to be a little low key to let my body absorb what it needs to.

It's rough to admit you have a problem. I'm in no way bi-polar, but I have my high and lows because of this. It's heredity I found out, and if you ever met my mom....you know what side of the family I get it from. I'm glad I'm finally doing something to make ME better for once. I've spent most of my years trying to make others happy and worrying about not fulfilling others wants and needs that it's good to think of me first for once.

I'm already in a better mood just sleeping. I can't wait till the other meds kick in. I'll keep you posted.

Reflection...

on the birthday.

Yes, this past Sunday I turned ANOTHER year older. Some don't want to admit stuff like that but I will stand tall and shout from the rooftops..... "I once again have turned ... 21?"

Shut up Kivi.

Well, I have to admit it was a good one this year. After getting my settlement check from a fall I had at Bennigans nearly 2 years ago I had a little extra cash. Since I've tucked away a couple thou....I thought why not by myself something nice.

I've always wanted nice jewelry, but never had the sense to actually date anyone who could afford my taste, so last Friday I went and bought THIS! Now it took me about 3 days to decide on this bracelet, but once I decided...I HAD to have it...NOW. I even when on my lunch break with a co-worker to go get it. It was a girlie mission ;)

Funny part to this story comes on Monday when my bestest friend Beth calls and asks me to met her for dinner. Fantastic, Beth's in town I'm THERE. We don't see as much of each other as we would like, so the moments we get we cherish. Now earlier in the week, I had emailed her about the bracelet and how excited I was. She thought I bought the necklace....and freaked a bit...why you ask? Because randomly at before I had even made my purchase of the bracelet, she had already bought me THIS!

I am SO Tiffany's right now with my 'collection'.

Now you gotta LOVE a best friend who knows you WELL enough to pick out a necklace for you not having a clue sometime later I was going to pick out the exact bracelet to match. That's LOVE folks. And I love her dearly....with or without the Tiffany's....

....but the Tiffany's makes it much shinier :)

I love you my dearest gal pal. You are the best through thick and thin you've been there for me through the last "years" of our lives. We've had some fun times (boating on the Chicago River), some hot times (Gibsons...or Eric's basement even) and some bad times (my 2nd time turning 21...) but all in all they have been GREAT years spent with you and I'm glad you were there to spend them.

You've proved yourself as a true blue (Tiffany's blue even) best friend and I'm lucky to have you. I hope I have only done the same for you. Kisses and love my dear. I owe you like 4 for this years gift. I'll have to think of something GOOD for the big ... 9th time you turn 21. ;)

One of the funniest things

....ever created in Photoshop, in my opinion of course.

Laugh it's FUNNY!

Will you visit me?

In PRISON that is cause apparently were arresting drunk people IN bars now.

Apparently it's public intoxication. Well people I hate to tell you this, but I've been drunk in bars SO many times in my lifetime...I'm pretty sure I'm set up for a life sentence when this reaches Chicago.

Geebuz people first you kill my business with your damn smoking ban and now your going to arrest my customers FROM the place. Great, next stop prohibition!

I'll be starting the first speak-easy when it happens too. Complete with bath tub gin. Now all I need is Homer Simpson with the bowling balls :)

And you WONDER why people annoy me?!

This last post was supposed to be neutral enough not to point anyone out....

...but since you asked....

I also have a friend who's a slut, and one who's hell bent on losing his virginity.

A friend that never seems to be drunk no matter how much they drink, and one who gets drunk on 2 Lynchburg Lemonades at Friday's.

A friend that's completlely serious at all times, and one who can endlessly make me laugh with jokes about my pooper. (those are jokes right?!)

....better TFK?

Getting serious for a moment.....

I have determined I sometimes really don't like people too much....

...not all people just most.

Ok, maybe don't like is harsh, considering what the rest of the post will be about. But I can tell you I don't understand how our society thinks now-a-days. Now everyone has their opinion and I respect that, why can't others respect others just the same.

People do and choose different ways of life for a reason. Some things just aren't a choice.

I myself am a straight girl who happens to be a ridiculously independent work-a-holic. I'm liberal, with conservative tendencies. I don't believe in organized religion, but I believe there is a higher power. I believe in Karma...A LOT, what goes around comes around if you like it or not. I also think there's a reason for each and every one of us to be on this planet. We all have a goal, once accomplished, we move on. No one's goal is set in stone, but it's out there.

Now I have MANY friends and family that beat to the tune of a different drummer. My mom is VERY Catholic, my father, a un-religious recovering alcoholic turned work-a-holic. (you wonder where I get it from)

One brother with a wife, 2 kids, a cat, and a crazy big house. Another, living across the country served in the armed forces, and just happens to be gay. (now that takes guts!)

One sister with the 'perfect' husband and a stay at home mom. Another sister who lives an alternative lifestyle and works with kids with disabilities.

One friend in college and working full time to pay their way through life at the same time trying to reach a goal. Another, a full time student riding on their parents money.

One friend hell bent on getting married to someone they love. Another hell bent on NEVER getting married.

One friend with more tattoos and piercing than you can shake a stick at....but I don't advise it cause you might get caught in a ring or two. Another believes your body is a temple and any kind of damage done will damage your Karma.

I love them all equally. Some I've known my whole life, some I'm just getting to know, but they are all like family to me. I look at people no matter how strange an unusual I think they may be as a new experience for me to learn from.

Just because someone is gay doesn't mean I have to be because I'm related or am friends with them. That's THEIR lifestyle. Or just because someone was fortunate enough to be born into money doesn't mean they should be cast off as the 'rich bitch'. Or even just because someone doesn't work as much as I do doesn't me they don't put their all into what they do choose to do.

Now don't get me wrong. There are exceptions to EVERY rule. That's how we came up with stereotypes in the first place. Some rich kids are brats, some gay people are not the nicest people in the world, some married couples aren't as happy as they appear. Some people's religions do help them cope with everyday life. But honestly there are opposite to all of those stereotypes.

You have to learn to accept people for who they are and understand that you may or may not like things about them. Hell, I can't think on one person I know that I like EVERYTHING about. Including myself. Just remember it's all about learning. Everyday you get up and walk out into the world is a learning experience.

You don't have to agree with people's choices in life. You don't even have to like them. Just remember they have NO effect on how you live your life.

Their are people out there who live an alternative lifestyle...deal...it doesn't effect you what so ever. They aren't coming into your house and snatching your children to make them gay. They aren't 'recruiting' for the other side. They are simply trying live their lives and trying to be HAPPY.

Their are people out there who are crazy religious...and some just regularly religious. Yes, the their are the one's who knock on your door and recruit, but when you kindly say no thank you, they move on....they don't egg your house or burn crosses in your yard because you weren't interested. They would rather be invited in one house out of a thousand for that one person who wants to listen the 999 that could care less.

I've even heard many times over the years....why haven't you gotten married yet....well frankly, I haven't met 'that' guy yet. Not to mention, what's so perfect about marriage anyway. It will in no way 'complete' me as a person. It will only re-enforce my love and want to spend the rest of my life with someone else. But, I don't knock the people who are married. Good or bad. Trust me my folks have been through some ROUGH times. I look at them in awe of the fact they've been married for 30 years! How often do you hear that now?!

Ok, before I get totally out of control (or is it too late) my point is....listen people, just listen! You may learn a little something. You may actually like that 'rich bitch' or that 'raging homo'. Really, you could ... trust me STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED!!!

Open you mind to new opportunities. It's fun to get to know people. Try it you may like it. I promise it doesn't hurt.

Yup...that about sums it up

As spring approaches, a parable...

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a long pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the perfect pot always delivered a full portion of water and the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled. "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

You know what I have to say

about this week....

...nothing good.

Nothing like a week where work beats the living HELL out of you, then you get a day off work,
only to have to go to another work for the day.

Your boyfriend is going to a St. Patty's day party...I'm working the Be niga s (of course), so while he's drunk, I'm serving the drunk.

Then your roomie take off to Flordia, the day after it SNOW's here. One word for that....Whore.

My vacation day tomorrow consists of ... driving Heather to work and going to Be niga s for a 10 hour (AT LEAST) shift.

WHOSE EXCITED?!?!

ohohohoohh...me...pick ME!

From the WTF files...

So my new roomie and co-worker Heather and I went out for lunch last Friday.

We went here. Nothing fancy, buffet style.

For those of you who have never been it works like this. You walk in there's a GIANT salad bar with everything you could imagine to put on a salad and then some. Well there's a line down both sides and you go down old school cafeteria style.

Once you have a seat there's all kinds of home-made soups, breads, pasta's, and even a dessert bar. Well, sometimes they get REALLY busy so they put up these signs asking you to wait to be seated. Not a large request, not even a hard one since they get you in and at a table pretty quickly for as busy as they are.

The guy who takes your money even asks very nicely if you could just wait a moment to be seated. Heather and I agree...so do the people on the other side of the line. But apparently they were too good to ACTUALLY listen to what the guy said and just went off and sat themselves. Now this could throw off the whole balance of things since the people who are seating others believe there's a table open but two dumb broads just took it so in reality there's no table.

BUT that's not even the icing on the cake people. Heather and I are seated moments later at a table that could seat four even though it's just the two of us. Really, we like it this way it gives us plenty of room to spread out and a place to put the dishes for the bussers to pick up.

Here's the kicker people. While were eating another table of inconsiderate rude people decide to seat themselves at a table kitty corner from us. This table had yet to be cleared from the people who had left it less than 10 seconds beforehand. So instead of calling over one of the 20 bus people. They decide to clear the table themselves.....right onto the table were sitting at.

Let me repeat that in case you missed it. On the table we're enjoying our lunch at these people decide to put someone else disgusting dishes.

Now it took me a minute to compute what had just happened considering I couldn't comprehend doing such a thing....and when it finally does click, I'm LIVID at the audacity of some people. Mind you if he would have asked if we minded if they set the things there since we had some extra room, I probably wouldn't have been so angry.

...extra angry means extra desserts you know (it's stressed spelled backwards so it really does mean that.) So I'm blaming that guy and his group of fellow rudeness on my extra 2 pounds this week....cause I can.

YOU MISSED ME....

Admit it...

...you did...

You missed me ranting and raving about something ricockulous (feel free to use it) problem or issue in my life right now.

Well one of my only issues was NO INTERNET CONNECTION. Well besides the one at work and since we all know we can get 'dooced' for that and not to mention my work blocks everything, no blogging for you!

absence makes the heart grow fonder people.

So, what's been going on your wondering? Well once again, I moved. I like to think my furniture could use the 'change of scenery' one a year...or sometimes sooner. That makes 5 times in 4 years people. For the re-cap people.....

1. Wisconsin (don't ask I don't know how I ended up there either) to Chicago
2. Chicago to down the street in Chicago when the building went condo
3. Chicago back to Wisconsin trying to be closer to a loved one
4. Wisconsin to Wheeling
5. Wheeling to the destination on now Arlington Heights.

Now I'll be moving again in the next few months. I'm staying with a friend until the house sells rent free, then were going to rent a place together. That will be more 'permanent' ... well a few years anyway. I'm SICK of moving, I'll tell you I'll NEVER do the 3rd floor again in a walk up or otherwise at this point. My arms and legs KILL. Chris was my savior in this situation since I really didn't know who to call to help.

I don't see much of my 'friends' with my schedule so I didn't want to just call them to ask them to help move. I really have GOT to do something about that. YOU....you out there if your reading this.....I miss you. Call me, you know damn well I'll forget.

So, other than that, boring work, boring life, boring DawnCandy. Remember when I was fun?
Member? Remember when I used to have late nights and early mornings with some of the
most interesting people in Chicagoland. Wow....lots can change in a few years. Beth you know what I'm talking about. I'll bounce back, I always do.

So, it's a blah day...that's nearly over. Only good news I've had lately is the contact from old friends on MySpace....Although that does just remind me my 10 year is coming up. Damn....10 years....that's another whole post...wait for it....

....wait for it....

Yeah, like your surprised!

1. Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

   You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

And I think to myself...

It is good lately.

I got rid of the funiture I hated so much. AND got money for it.

THANK YOU E-BAY.

I didn't get a lot of money, $150, but it was better than nothing. It was either that, or toss it off the balcony when I moved cause I wasn't going to move that crap again. Don't get me wrong it was good furniture, but VERY country. My mom's taste, since it was given to me by my mom....and EXTREMELY heavy! Damn those 'build in' recliners.

I've moved this furniture 6 times, and 6 times I have wanted to toss it in the dumpster instead of carrying up the stairs. My friends and family felt the same way. Now, it's GONE. So, all my friends reading this, moving me will be a sinch now. Heather's mom, Nancy, let me have use of a chair and loveseat to use until I move a month and a half from now. You should see how big my apartment looks right now.

Well, as for the 'personal' aspect of my life, my relationship is good. We had clean fest in the house this weekend so were happy people. My friends I miss a lot, but life gets in the way sometimes, I know they still love me. Work, is work, but I'm keeping BUSY with my new sale rep Brett. Lots of problems to fix, so lots of leg work to be done.

I'm doing good. Really good. Things are moving smoothly. Now just to get a few thousand dollars to pay off credit card debt life would be good ;)

So I think to myself.....

....what a wonderful world. Thank you Louis!

In ref. to my comments on the last post....

I was just sitting here thinking....

....man, what would make me feel better?!
and then it came to me.....

OF COURSE, TFK is still willing to do me in the pooper.

What more could a girl ask for.

Setting things right....

I got a letter today.

An unexpected letter.

I find myself surprised by people everyday. Surprised in good in bad ways. Sometimes surprised enough to really make me think. And here's what I think:

First off, I was never mad. Just fed up. Fed up of hearing that I had said things, done things, or was portraying people in a negative way. I know a lot of the things I supposedly said, didn't come from my mouth, but from the imagination of others. I can't prove it, I can honestly say it that with a clear conscience.

I'm a believer in Karma. Good karma brings positive things your way, bad karma can ruin your life. I'm not sure if this letter was about either....but I know it made me feel like a weight had been lifted. Believe it or not as much as I like to 'intelligently argue' with people, I don't enjoy confrontation. I get defensive, and find later all the things that should have been said. Honestly, who doesn't.

I did say things in the past, not so nice things, against two people that didn't deserve it. (Ok, maybe they did a little....) I know I've also said this in the past, but I really don't have a problem with either of them. I was hurt, humiliated and thought my life was over. I felt no one could possibly love me again....and why would they. Because of that, I lashed out against the people who I felt caused the pain in my life. Really, I was the one causing it. For the most part, I couldn't figure out why it was I couldn't get someone I was so close with to talk to me, just for a moment....but I now know why. Would you talk to someone who couldn't say anything nice to you?!

I've come to the realization that no matter how many positive things people can say about you, you can only hear the negative. And for some reason, you can let the good go in one ear and out the other, but the bad just sticks in your head like glue...wandering aimlessly for explanation. Truth is there will NEVER be an explanation. People are going to have their opinions of you, some good some bad. Like you parents taught you when you were young, NOBODY'S perfect.

Break ups are never good, especially when their public. People search for closure, and sometimes, you just can't have it. I know that I loved a man with all my heart, the love faded, it ended. Shouldn't the love we had be all that matters. No he said, she said, could've, would've, should've. Only hoping each one of you can find that kind of love again one day.

I'm happy in my life now, for the most part, but I'll admit, I'm not fully healed. I am over it, the relationship that is. I don't want the relationship back, but I would like to put the past in the past. It's tough to do when you see someone you loved everyday and people in an office situation like to poke at these types of things with a stick to see what happens. Only time can and will heal those 'cracks' that are still left in the broken heart. I found myself defensive and closing people out, but I have now let myself fall in love again, and that love is strong. It's the best thing in my life I could've hoped for or asked for. My family, including my distant relatives, love him, my friends get along with him, and I'm best friends with his sister. He is quickly becoming my best friend, and I couldn't ask for any more for a man than what I have.

I hope it's the same for the two of them, and everyone else out there.

I think all parties involved have apologized enough. It's done. It's over. All our lives are on different plains, on different levels, and moving in different directions. I hope were all on the right track for happiness, if not, I hope all of us will someday find the track we should be on. Even if it does mean you have to admit your not the person you always saw yourself to be. That was my biggest hurdle.

All I can say now is Thank You. Thank you for making me think this hard, this long, and this much on the subject. I think it was clarity I needed, not closure.

Who finds the irony in the fact that one of my ads on adsence (I'm getting PAID for this people) is a ad for a votive candle that says check out ex-boyfriends in hell. Mind you I don't pick the ads.

Ok, not like I want any of my ex's to go to hell (even you D).... well maybe Bobby for beating me up ... but still, FUNNY!!!

TFK...

Your the best.......

.....at pouring sugar on me of course.

A moment of being....LOST

So I'm reaching out into cyber world a bit....

Not that I'm asking anyone to answer or solve my problems...But this writing is how I deal sometimes.

I'm feeling lost lately. I've successfully finished my medical assistance degree, and can move on to a new career as soon as I can calm my financial situation (good thing). I have a new boyfriend whom I love (good thing). I'll be moving into a home with one of my best friends (good thing).

So why the hell am I so damned depressed lately. I know I've been working on the weight thing, so that's part of it...but not all of it. I want to cry nearly everyday, instead of crying, I seem to just get snappy with the boyfriend....bless him for dealing with me and my bitchy self.

I see myself LOSING my patience and my mind lately. Suffering from anxiety attacks, headaches, loss of sleep (not just because Mr. Twitchy is sleeping next to me)....it's driving me slowly insane.

I'M NOT GOING PSYCHO, don't worry, but I'm feeling myself slipping nto a false sense of reality. It's seems to just be a blur of the same daily routine, with no end. And then when the weekend comes, I have no energy or ambition to want to do anything (well outside of work anyway). I've even gotten to a point were I've made myself sick over it.

I miss my friends, my family, my life.....but I don't feel comfortable around them either, and just want to be alone at that point.

Does any of this make sense? Has anyone else had this mini-nervous breakdown before?

BAH....I'll be ok, just a case of winter blues I suppose.

Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I see you cryin'

So I've gotten a few emails from people asking whom I was speaking of originally in my blog, and what's going on.

My answer is....it's none of your damn business. I know someone who has a problem, I'm letting that person know I'm here to help if he chooses. Just like if any of you had a problem I'd be there for you. That's all you need to know. Some have already jumped to conclusions it was about them, and took it the wrong way. I know for a fact the person it's intended for will not. DONE! GET OVER IT!

New subject.

I have two...very important people in my life who have birthdays next weekend.

One being my love he'll be the big 38 this year, but as I say, your only as old as the woman you feel, which brings me to my next birthday...the other is my bestest (and most elusive) friend.

Beth my dear, I didn't forget about you. You were there for me through SO much crap back in the day. WOW did we go through some really good and really BAD times together. I find myself reminiscing about Brian, Patrick S., the other Patrick, Gibsons, Gibsons bathroom ... and all the other trouble we used to cause and get into. There are certain boating incidents that come to mind...

I wouldn't want to have shared those moments in my life with anyone else but you. You're the BESTEST friend a girl could have. No drama between us in nearly 10 years now....drama in our lives yes, but no drama between you and I. I can't imagine life without at least hearing your voice (even if it is voicemail tag) every few weeks or so. I miss you babe, one of these days we'll have to ditch these boys and go out like old times....without ending up in some fab apartment with a breathtaking view :) .... the boys wouldn't like that too much huh?! I love you.

OH!! But here's some news for you since I haven't been able to actually talk to you for awhile.... Double J is going to be a daddy! I'll just let you take that one in....

Yikes! Apparently my blog has gotten me into a little bit of a conundrum!

I would like to clear the air with someone I can not contact due to a work problem. I hope he reads this blog and has no question it's about him.

What I wrote in my last entry was NOT about you. I REPEAT IT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU! I'm sorry you assumed it was. I DID hear some unflattering rumors, but the only person I discussed that with is my mom. Not Chris, not Heather, not any other co-worker, no one. I was going to talk to you about it, but my mother advised me I should steer clear even if I was concerned because it could blow up in my face. I mean REALLY who am I anyway to stick my nose in your business anyway?! Apparently, it was going to blow up in my face regardless and I shouldn't have taken the advise and come straight to you with it. I'm sorry I didn't because maybe if I would have this whole 'ordeal' wouldn't have happened.

I assure you, my last post, I was speaking of someone else. After reading it I could see how you could've assumed it was you, but that's assuming you thought I knew something. I PROMISE YOU IT'S NOT! Your business is your business. I believe this little 'ordeal' may have killed any friendship we may have ever developed in the future, which at this point was very slim in the first place considering I was not very nice in the past. I admit I was wrong then, I have had no intention of being anything but out of the way now. I wish you and yours nothing but the best. I had no intention of being mean, malicious, spreading rumors, or hurting anyone. You and I had something special, I loved you deeply and passionately. Because of that I said things in the past that were at the very least inappropriate to say at work or otherwise. I now love someone else even more who loves me just as much back. Since then, I long ago recanted those statements with everyone I may have said anything to, which quite frankly wasn't that many people. I still have a lot of care and concern for you. I realize now, it's probably best that I pretend as you and I never were, and just have my memories. Most of which were good.

I'm sorry the steps that were taken today had to be taken, but I have to protect myself and my job, I'm sure you understand.

Please next time you want to talk to me, if you want to ever talk to me, or you think I was saying or doing something unfavorable to or about you or anyone you care about, contact me OUTSIDE of work. I would be more than willing to sit down and discuss like an adult anything you wish and clear the air on anything.

Again, for what it's worth... I'm sorry.

Good luck to you with everything you do.

Now what the hell is goin' on?

WHAT UP!!!!!

Damn life has been BUSY lately.

All work no play. But I started going back to the gym....the pounds WILL come off soon. Next month I'm going to start looking for a new job.

At the end of next month I'll be moving...AGAIN. I've decided to tell people that my furniture like the change of scenery. Sound better than I seem to be a hermit that picks up everything I own and moves every year. This time it's for a good reason. I'll be living rent free in a really nice 4 bedroom home in Arlington Heights until Heathers mom sells the house (Juneish or later). Then I'll be moving in with the boyfriend.

Not like he doesn't already live here anyway :)

I'm doing well though. REALLY well. Once I get this weight thing taken care of (which I'm working on) I'll be happy. Ok, once I don't have to work two damn jobs I'll be happy, but we can't get everything we want.

Speaking of can't get everything you want, I found out a little something about someone I care alot about. I found out he's doing something stupid with his significant other. It worries me because I think this person is better than that, was raised to know better than that, and needs to start acting like the man I know he is. Maybe it's time you learned not everyone's going to show you love like you think love should be shown....it doesn't mean your not loved. My family and I worry about you, we think MAYBE you may want to seek some professional help. If your reading this and you know what I'm talking about, my door is always open, and if you can't talk to me for whatever reason....there's always mom and pops. If you can't do that, find someone....you need to help yourself before you spiral out of control.

OK, that's done.

Hasta people I'll update more later....promise.....

OUT!

OH....another website people....maybe I'm a loser, but I need an intervention from places like the grocery store and Target. Can't go in without buying a ricockulous (that's more than ridiculous people) amount of stuff. And then I found this.... http://slavetotarget.blogspot.com/ . Had to give it a little love. Now I'm not alone, and maybe I can start a 12 step program.