Making a difference....

In my own life I mean.

I'm approaching a very important date in my life. My sobriety date, November 11th. Veteran's Day to be exact. I have gone through many years of struggle and fight to get to this point.

For those of you who don't know, let me fill you in.

Right before high school ended I got involved with some people who weren't exactly the best for me. Sometime later, I was a junkie. I continued downward quickly by not exactly keeping the best relationships after high school. I was into mostly cocaine, but I did it all to be honest. Well everything but needles, couldn't bring myself to put it directly into my veins.

I was a full blown coke addict, but just as functional as anyone. I kept it hidden from my family, friends, even roommates. I went to work everyday, I got up everyday when I was supposed to, paid my bills on time, and never forgot anything I was responsible for. But I had my secret lifestyle. My bathroom trips at malls, my secret bumps at work, my trips to get my coke when no one knew where I was. All of it was my secret lifestyle and it went on for years.

One day, November 11th to be exact, I woke up one day and realized, I seriously don't want to live my life like this, and that day my coke was flushed and I spent my first day sober in nearly 3 years. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

After that first day, it just got harder. I actually had to DEAL with my emotions. Sure, I still drink, but I can take or leave a drink....and when I was sobering up, the last think I wanted to do WAS drink cause it just made me want drugs that much more. A lot of reality set in within that first year. I had so much anger and aggression, so much pain and torment, so much anxiety and depression. That first year was horrible and I thought nothing could feel worse than what I was feeling throughout that first year.

Then came the third year. I never thought somehow the third year could be worse than the first. How could it be? I already had 2 years of sobriety under my belt. I had a good job, good friends, what was starting to be a good life....but my mind was tortured. I would think to myself daily, if I could just keep going, I could get more done at work. If I could stay up longer, I can go out with my friends tonight. If I had more hours in the day I could accomplish so much more. Come on, one bump won't kill you, you've quit for two years, you can kick it whenever you want....it wasn't a good year for me.

Now here I am approaching my nine year ... yeah those of you who knew me then and didn't have a clue, I did say nine year mark and I am SO proud of this date I feel like making a T-shirt about it :)

My father found out about my habit years ago, but this year for the first time, I shared my struggle and torment with my mother. She was shocked, she was upset, but she deep down was proud because I did it, and I did it in the hardest way possilbe....Alone.

Everything I have and have done in the last 9 years is because of my sobriety. I have decided that working my way toward my 10 year mark, I am going to buckle down and SERIOUSLY make some life changes that I have been putting off or been lax about for most of my life. Before I started doing drugs I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The drug made me forget that. As most of you know I have come out and admitted my anxiety disorder for the first time in 11 years since I was diagnosed with it. I needed help. I wasn't sleeping, couldn't concentrate, was having daily panic attacks....it was my own little life in hell. This year, I got help.

I feel as though the meds are really starting to work now. I'm only working one job for the first time and I can't remember how long. I'm living in a nice apartment that's NOT in the ghetto for once. I have completed quite a few things. Now I have no excuses not to complete the rest of the accomplishments I want to make.

First of all, the smoking has got to go. Honestly, it's just another addiction I've helc onto. One vice I really don't need. Honestly who DOESN'T feel like crap when they've smoked too much the night before? Yeah, we've all been there.

Second, I have some debt to take care of. I keep spending money I really don't have and making myself deeper and deeper into a bad place soon I won't be able to help myself so I gotta do something about it. So I've gotta make some changes. One's I won't exactly LIKE, but they have to be made in order to make me a better ME! First one goes along with the second....I won't be able to quit smoking if I'm out and about drinking with a bunch of people who are socially smoking. For the next 6 months or so, I won't be going out more than once a month, unless there is a special event of some kind (ie birthdays and what not). At such special events I will VOLUNTEER to be destined driver to anyone and everyone...as long as you spot me a few Red Bulls now and then. I spend WAY too much money when I go out, and drinks and a bar lead to smoking and my goals not being reached.

You want to see me, which I really hope you will, you know how to find me.

I have some others I'll post as time goes on. I'm starting here...

This isn't going to be easy for me, I hope you will all be here to support me and deal with my mood swings during the anti-smoke time. I so love you all and it has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you, I just have to help me and now seems like the best time to do it. What better day to make a new start than the day you made the biggest new start of your life?

I hope you all understand.