No time .... there's never any time!!!

Ok, just to keep you a little updated.

All your finger crossing worked ... thanks guys ;)

Barb and Chris have called it quits, and in the last week or so Chris and I have decided that one, I don't have enough free time, but two...that we have no desire to see other people either.

So I'm offically part of a couple again ... a couple of what? ... we're not sure, but we are characters that's for sure. I'm very happy with this man, he makes me so comfortable and content.... hopefully things continue in this way. I seem to make him just as happy.

This one's for Beth ... He gives me foot massages after working at Bennigans all damn day! It's the best!!! He's good to me babe, really good to me.

There's more to tell...but for now I just wanted to keep you in the loop.

Ok, so I erased the old blog and am typing a new one today, that's Friday for those of you who are slow.

Update is, Chris and I have failed at resisting temptation and have begun to see each other. You'd think I learned my lesson from being burned once....but no I like to put my hand on a hot stove repeatedly apparently.

Just so you know there have been talks about our situation. Not quite long enough to figure out what direction we both will be choosing to move in, but long enough to realize what we've gotten ourselves into and are adult enough to not blame each other for getting us here.

He's SUCH a great guy. (Present circumstances excluded) and there are so many more details involved than just the brushing of the surface. He make me forget about my schedule of crazy events!! WHO can do that!? I don't want to run around like a crazy person with this man, I want to lay around with him all day, I want to look into his eyes and try and guess what he's thinking. Oh goodness I just heard how cheesy that sounded! (just to save myself, knowing Chris he's probably thinking about sex or nekidness)

No this is NOT like the last time. I'm well prepared for this one because of the last one ... and this one isn't married. I am prepared to be this guys friend for life if he chooses to go with his current standing. I am also prepared to try and make this man really happy if he does choose to be with me.

He already makes me feel like a schoolgirl, giddy, giggly, and just plain STUPID....

He called me today, even though I didn't expect to hear from him till Sunday since she's in town from Alabama. He called me at work, just to tell me he was thinking about me.

Gave me goose bumps and nearly made me cry due to the 'sweetness' factor of it.

I'm pathetic, but I like this guy....

Do me a favor huh?!

Cross your fingers this time I win?!

I'm dumb

Guess who forgot to send herself her blog posting for today?! ME!

I'll give ya a quick version to catch you all up a bit.

My crush has turned into more than a crush ... flirting turned to much more than the innocence and talking has gotten much deeper.

Now the real problems begin.

Shut up Beth I can hear you from here.....

I promise.... Monday

And by then I'll know a little more too.

WOW!!

There's a lot to write, and not enough time in this hour ... so basically you will all have to wait till Friday to hear. Sit on the edge of your seat and wait for me ;)

Tales from last week ...

**New Stuff coming tomorrow.....maybe**

It was harmless.

Two people enjoying each others company. Sharing personal interests, life memories, ridiculous stories, and catching a few glances of built up tension between the two of them.

It was just a meal, just lunch, but I never wanted to leave that booth. For the first time in months, I felt content, happy, relaxed, and I didn't have a care in the world. I knew if I left that booth I had to face the real world and my hectic life all over again.

You actually made me forget I had homework to do, bathrooms to clean, and errands to run. Taking my mind off high gear is no easy task, but you did it.

Maybe it was all the boat talk & the sailing magazines that magically made me float away from the gray in my life into a state of carefree happiness.

Maybe I'm a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh.

Maybe it's the lack of sleep and all the work I've been doing that's making me forget the reality of our relationship for brief moments of time.

Maybe I just can't resist making my life complicated I just can't resist you.I'm weak, I admit it. I can't help but to want to know everything about you and your life. I feel like I want to ask you a million questions about your life, your loves, your memories. I can't get seem to get enough ... even though I should walk away now, I can't help but to want to be a part of your life. Even if it is a secret part.

I don't know if you can 'thank' someone for being a aspect in your life, but I'm glad your part of mine.

I'm a little pathetic I'll have to admit!

But in all honesty it feels good to be honest with feelings like that.This is how I feel about a guy, a guy I can't possibly have, but it's ok for me to feel this way.

I have loved and lost many times in my life each and every one of them hold a special place in my heart.Rob, the high school boyfriend, Anthony, my first 'real' relationship, Eric J., nothing like falling for you best friend, and the Brit. All of them loved me in a different way and opened my eyes and heart to new experiences and feelings....I'm grateful. All of these men I couldn't have for different reasons.

Now don't get me wrong....I'm not in love by any means of the word.

I admit I'm in lust though, a deep infatuation ......and it is good.....

My best friend is going through some love 'issues' of his own. I cross my fingers and hope for the best since I know what heartbreak feels like and I don't think he has ever experienced true and painful heartbreak.

He's so cute when he talks about her. Sounds like me when I used to talk about him back in the day. I hope the best for him, I don't see it being the best love for him ... could be I'm biased. I'll tell you what though ... I'll kill her if she is playing him like it sounds like she's doing.

I wish him the best in love cause I love him

So why did I start a blog in the first place.

Well, it's simple...even though my posts are few and far between on here I do write everyday at home (or nearly anyway).

It's my release, my therapy if you will. I've been doing it for years to relieve stress in my life. Seems when put it on paper it eases the real life situation.

I always used my blog as a goof for keeping friends and family updated on my life. Since there's a little bit of my parents genetic makeup all over this fine US of A I figured I'd keep them updated this way. Well, now I'm pretty certain that I can count on one hand how many people I know that actually read this blog. So why not get a little more serious with my writing.....

Do I really have anything that personal to hide? Not really.

Do the people who still read the blog know most of it anyway? Yep.

'Inspiration from late night'....my last post, was actually something taken from my Nothingness book (aka diary, journal, whatever) I felt a bit of relief posting what was wandering around in my head. Like when you have a secret and you get the chance to say it out loud and you feel this weight being lifted.

I admit to all of you 5 who still read, you got a taste of "me" when the ex and I parted ways. In all honesty that really was my bitterness ... and lack of self-control after finding out he still read the blog. I mean really come on girls, if you had a chance to trash your ex, AND knew he was going to read it in cyberspace wouldn't you?

As much "fun" as that may have been, I'm over it. I do care for the guy and hope he has a happy life, with or without me in it. We had different views on how we wanted our lives to be, so I can't say that I blame him in the slightest. Took me a bit to get to that point, but here I am and it's a nice place to be. Chapter done.

Now opening a new chapter in my book of life. The "ME" chapter. I have to admit I'm being QUITE selfish as of late. So selfish I see it in myself. Now just in my own defense, school and work take a considerable amount of time, so the little bit of free time I do have I find myself hoarding it like a fat kid with cake.

I used to be ok with driving 3 hours to spend a few hours to hang with some people for the day. I used to all the time! Beth in Minooka, Eric in Joliet, Jeremy in Madison, even my own 'crew' of friends lived at least 45 minutes from my residence. Now I want people to come to me. Maybe it's from years of going to other people of I wanted to be social, but still .. no excuse. I apologize, but it's probably going to be like this for the next few months too.

Now, I love to see my friends, families, and/or potential lovers (wishful thinking aren't I?) It's more of a, I spent $700 a month on an apartment I see maybe 8 hours a day. 6 of the 8 are spent sleeping. So maybe it is selfish, but I like my home and since I don't see it too often, so I get a little greedy about wanting to curl up on my couch when I have free moments. For now, it works for me, eventually I'll have to give in if I want to have a social life and or lover ever again. But for now, it's going to have to work this way. IF your into weekends in, watching movies, early bedtimes, and dealing with me working ridiculous hours to have lazy Sunday afternoons reading on the balcony (dodging bees) ... stop on by, door's always open for company ....

And, I promise, next chapter ... I'll try and make it the all about "you" chapter just to make up for it.

Inspiration from late night.....

Sometime I think Carrie Bradshaw had it right.

Maybe it's not relationships I'm addicted to, maybe it's the pain.

A certain someone used to tell me I never seemed happy and could find the 'wrong/bad' in anything. Maybe he was right.

I seem to put myself in a serious of 'problem' situations. I seem to meet great guys who are committed to something/someone else. Part of me says, who cares, the other part asks me what the hell I'm doing.

Do I really go out and look to be with the unavailable to make myself miserable in a sense? Do I find myself only attracted to what I know I can't have just for the simple fact I know at one point it's going to end in heartbreak for me?

Somehow in my twisted reality do I like being the 'other' in someone's life? Is it the thrill? The chase? The feeling that someone else is risking what they have to be with me? Or maybe it's that fear of commitment. If they aren't available I don't have to let them behind the emotional 'wall' I put up years ago. Where as they're physically unavailable I'm emotionally unavailable. Good match huh? That wall's never comin' down.

I have yet to even decide if this is a bad thing or not. Granted it's not going to get me into a healthy relationship by any means. Once a cheater always a cheater ... we've all figured that out the hard way haven't we? But in the mean time, is it ok to just have fun and not worry about the complicated morals of it all?

Mind you, I am NOT out to hurt anyone. I know what it feels like to be deceived....but isn't that his problem to worry about not mine? Someone else also once told me you can't help who your attracted to. While I'm a believer in the fact you can help who you date, you can't control who your chemistry bubbles over with.

As adults we should be able to "control" these feelings when they happen, but who says we HAVE to. It's obvious most of the men in my life have never lived by the "control" rule, and they seem to be perfectly happy and content with themselves.

I on the other hand have lived and died by this rule (although accused differently on several occasions). Yet, I seem to be the one who's single, and not loving it so much. Granted I'm not looking to get married today, tomorrow, or hell in the next 10 years even, but to come home and share my crappy day or my funny story with someone would be nice. Not to mention feeling someone's warm skin against mine on occasion is a definite bonus.

I don't know, maybe you go for it knowing where it's going to lead and just hope your not so disappointed when you get there. All I know is I can't possibly feel like this for no reason.

Ahhh...Limbo here I am again.

S-T-R-E-S-S

WHAT A WEEK!

I went from being de-stressed over the weekend to re-stressed and crying by Tuesday. DAMN!!

Didn't help I couldn't sleep well Sunday and Monday, I couldn't't get my mind off a certain someone. Then Tuesday I lost my mind... sobbing in the bathroom at work. About work, not the certain someone of course.

Wednesday wasn't much better, but the evening did have some DEFINITE positive sides.

Dinner with Heather, Steve, and David for one. Starting out with drinks is always a good thing, then fabulous food, and even better company! Just what I needed to round out my crappy week of cluster-funks! And to top it off, I received a phone call right before dinner that I couldn't wait to return.

Flashing forward to after dinner ... I returned my phone call.

Let's just say it was nearly 10 before I went to bed, and I don't stay up that late for anybody. I woke up with a smile on my face again, late but with a smile on my face. I think he did discover my talent for talking too much when I'm nervous.

Damn him for being taken.

Don't worry there has been no pressure from either side for anything more than for us to be friends.... Just happen to be friends who flirt A LOT! Nothing wrong with that, right?Now I remember why I don't date too often. I don't get the "rules". Either that or my crazy schedule. Or maybe a little of both.

My theory, romance is dead ... and I'm in mourning.

FINALLY!!!!

FRIDAY 7/29/05

Do you ever feel....out of place?!

You don't seem to "belong"?

Where your not sure why it is you do what you do and why you go where you go?

I've been feeling like that lately. Like I'm in Limbo or something.

I don't feel right coming here to North American, I just feel like an outsider looking in. I know I concentrate on school a lot. But I just feel ... weird when I come here. Like everyone is developing happy relationships around me. (work related relationships of course) I'm sure it's just my imagination and I'm being too sensitive, but it feels like it.Then there's school. My gal pals that I work with are soon to be taking a header to graduation and leaving me behind for the next 3 months alone. Well not alone, but with the goof troop. Fine if they want to waste their money, so be it, but I can't afford to play around with 10 grand. Nakki (my teach) assigned partners today, and mine....completely ignored being assigned and decided to work with someone else. Which for me is fine since she's ghetto-superstar anyway, funny one day she started talking to another gal in class about me...in Spanish, now I'm not fluent...but I got the gist.

I am aware people do dislike Gemma and I cause we take the class very seriously. I'm aware that I'm not going to get along with everyone I meet in life. I'm FULLY aware of my age/maturity level is VERY different from those in my class. I'm also well aware I snapped on them once for being rude, loud, and inconsiderate to a sub teacher. I'm fine with that....I still can work well with others even if I don't respect them as people. I do it EVERYDAY at my job (day and night). Even though I feel as though I'm a little above most of them, and I know that sounds superficial, but really I'm not trying to....I still feel strange to go to class everyday. Can I deal with it ... of course it's only 3 more months then I'll never see these women again, but still.....

Then of course there's Bennigans. Now I know I don't spend as much time as everyone else does there. I haven't in years; I just seem to have a strange vibe whenever I do go there. Like something's just not quite right. Maybe it's cause I'm outgrowing the place, I have been there for 3 years. Maybe it's cause the laziness that runs through the place that drives me insane (cough...Holly...cough). Or maybe I'm just bitter cause I thought by now I could more on from this 2 jobs working thing. Either way I just don't feel like part of the family anymore.

And speaking of families, where the heck did mine go? Now my brother Ed has never been much of chatter, but he used to AT LEAST call me on occasion to bug me. This past weekend I asked if I could come visit the kids and him.... Too busy was my answer to that question. My parents, their ok....glad I'm out of the house again that's for sure. My pops recently got a new job (after being out of work for 3 months). He's working for Pepsi Co. and loves it. But I feel like I used to talk to them so much more. I went home this weekend and you would've thought I was a stranger with how they were acting. They love me, I know that, and I love them very much too....just goes along with feeling strange as of late.

So on to other news (is this post long or what) ....Kivi got fired ... he was trying to be nice and cover someone else's arse and he forgot the #1 rule of work. CYA not anyone else's. He's doing well, but I miss him for the humor break in my stressful day. He's been kinda MIA lately as well. I know for the most part it's because I'm in school and go to bed early and wake up even earlier, but I don't see much of anyone (not just Kivi) on the weekends either. I suppose it forces me to do my school work out of pure boredom....but I do miss being social and I think that\'s a big reason why I feel so stressed. And again, I blame me for that. I choose this I gotta live with it.

I had my best day of the summer so far. Marty (my saleman/boss) told my boss we were going to visit clients for the day...and instead, he took me to the Sox game where I got to see my friend Stefanie sing the National Anthem! It was a GREAT day of playing hookie! Drinks, food, a rain delay! So much fun! But... Shhh....don't tell ...

My sister is due in August with a baby boy (Logan). I\'m very happy for her. Her and Mike are going to make great parents! I suppose the only question is can you fit a car seat on a Harley? HMMMM.....

Just an FYI in case you were wondering since January I have lost a total of 27 pounds! Was 198 now I\'m 171, and still dropping. I can FINALLY see my nice curves again. Just some belly pooch to go! YAY ME!

Well, I best be off, I'm done bitchin' about my headache I call life. 3 ½ months from now I'll look back and wonder why I felt so stressed I'm sure of it. My life is just doing some REALLY fast life changes ... happens when you're a big girl .... And my body is just emotionally adjusting to the change. Now if I could just find me a nice, strong, preferably financially stable man to throw me around a bit I think I life would be good.

OH! And just a side note to a friend (you know who you are): Thank you very much for making that phone call....although she won't tell me what you 2 talked about, she was very happy she got to speak with you, and so was I. You haven't seemed to happy as of late, could be that your sick, or stressed, or a little of both... either way, I worry, so does she. I hope after talking to her you know you do have someone to talk to here, about anything or nothing. She's a great lady, and she loves you very much, like her own son. Your family may be far away but you did become a part of another, like it or not.

Have a good week people maybe next week I'll be in a better mood. Everyday creeps further toward my goal! Cross you fingers I don't SNAP before then.

Monday 8/1/05

Oh wow....what a difference a weekend can make.As usual I tried to cram 12 things into one weekend. FUN! Work, homework, housework and a wedding.

I worked Friday night, then came home and did a little homework. Slept and up again at 9am to go back to work, but I got off early to go to Heather's mom's wedding. Nothing glamorous. Back yard party.

Kivi came with me and we spent most of the evening in the backyard drinking champagne ....or maybe that was just me...

I did get to meet the infamous Steve and David. Two guys I could see myself hanging out with again. SO much fun! I mean REALLY there's nothing like a gay man that smells my boobs and then calls my perfume! Little creepy, but it was funny as hell.

I did get to see Chris and Matt again. Matt kept us in stitches as usual, well mostly Kivi, Chris and Heather. I was busy reading Dr. Seuss with a 6 year old. I got to meet the one and only Madison (Chris's daughter)...once the other kids left she found herself new friends...namely Steve/David/and myself. She is a feisty spitfire of a little girl. Reminds me of me ... scary I know. Only difference is she could be a runway model at the ripe age of 6, so she's MUCH better at getting what she wants then I am....

Speaking of getting what I want, yep, saw Chris again, and yep, I still have a big ol' crush on him. He wasn't helping the issue much with the flirting back and encouraging me. As Kivi and Heather said you could pretty much cut the sexual tension with a knife. BUT, it just goes to show you the story of my love life. I ALWAYS want something I can't have. Just look at my past few relationships ... Eric, the guy in medical school working nights NO TIME for me or anything else for that matter, then Mike (aka Kvas) now that was one I would've loved to keep around he was amazing mentally and phyically stimulating, BUT he was also a pro-stock motorcycle racer which kept him out of town 8 months out of the year ... not to mention I don't exactly compete with track girls from all over the nation. Would've been nice to keep him in my bed, but he was bouncing around a lot, no such luck. Then the last one (I promised remember) and if you read back a few months you'll see he was married and I should've known better from the start.

All three FABULOUS men. All three I still talk too on occasion. All three were men I couldn't have to myself. As much as I would like to, all three belong to something or someone else before I came along, and I wasn't going to be able to change that.

Which brings me to my problem at hand. Chris. He's happily building a beautiful home with another women, and I can't get him out of my head. It's called setting yourself up for failure, or at least that's what I call it. I figure the more I can say I'm setting myself up the more if won't feel like a let down (not like there's anything to let down, he belongs to someone else...plain and simple.) But MAN can that man can get me giggling like a frickin' schoolgirl. Pathetic huh?

I tell you what though....even if I can't have him, he still makes me smile. And when I say smile I mean that kind you do without even realizing it when he walks in a room. He makes me laugh, and regardless of our endless flirting I think this guy and I will be friends at the very least, for quite some time. Hey...if you can't win with the having the guy to cuddle with at night, you can settle for having him make you laugh at the moment you need it most.

Well, moral of the story is...Friday, I felt like crap and pretty down. By Monday I have a big smile on my face. It's nice to feel attractive again. It's almost like having a truly amazing sexual experience. I may not have gotten THAT far, but I have a smile back on my face as if I did.And this time, I got his number (and he got mine) ...What can I say, I don't stand a chance, but I can be the queen of wishful thinking! (Or dirty fantasies... same thing right?)

Wow these computers suck

So I wrote a really long post, but I can't seem to open a Word document I sent to myself here in computer class. So you'll have to wait till tomorrow.

I'll even update it to include this weekend.....so sorry peeps one more day you'll have to wait for me.