Inspiration from late night.....

Sometime I think Carrie Bradshaw had it right.

Maybe it's not relationships I'm addicted to, maybe it's the pain.

A certain someone used to tell me I never seemed happy and could find the 'wrong/bad' in anything. Maybe he was right.

I seem to put myself in a serious of 'problem' situations. I seem to meet great guys who are committed to something/someone else. Part of me says, who cares, the other part asks me what the hell I'm doing.

Do I really go out and look to be with the unavailable to make myself miserable in a sense? Do I find myself only attracted to what I know I can't have just for the simple fact I know at one point it's going to end in heartbreak for me?

Somehow in my twisted reality do I like being the 'other' in someone's life? Is it the thrill? The chase? The feeling that someone else is risking what they have to be with me? Or maybe it's that fear of commitment. If they aren't available I don't have to let them behind the emotional 'wall' I put up years ago. Where as they're physically unavailable I'm emotionally unavailable. Good match huh? That wall's never comin' down.

I have yet to even decide if this is a bad thing or not. Granted it's not going to get me into a healthy relationship by any means. Once a cheater always a cheater ... we've all figured that out the hard way haven't we? But in the mean time, is it ok to just have fun and not worry about the complicated morals of it all?

Mind you, I am NOT out to hurt anyone. I know what it feels like to be deceived....but isn't that his problem to worry about not mine? Someone else also once told me you can't help who your attracted to. While I'm a believer in the fact you can help who you date, you can't control who your chemistry bubbles over with.

As adults we should be able to "control" these feelings when they happen, but who says we HAVE to. It's obvious most of the men in my life have never lived by the "control" rule, and they seem to be perfectly happy and content with themselves.

I on the other hand have lived and died by this rule (although accused differently on several occasions). Yet, I seem to be the one who's single, and not loving it so much. Granted I'm not looking to get married today, tomorrow, or hell in the next 10 years even, but to come home and share my crappy day or my funny story with someone would be nice. Not to mention feeling someone's warm skin against mine on occasion is a definite bonus.

I don't know, maybe you go for it knowing where it's going to lead and just hope your not so disappointed when you get there. All I know is I can't possibly feel like this for no reason.

Ahhh...Limbo here I am again.