What works for you....

I hate to say it, but this day and age everyone believes they're way is the right way. I've got news for you, what works for you may not work for everyone.

I've run into a lot of people lately trying to give me a lot of unsolicited advice. It's kind of annoying. People all make mistakes, some of us make more....but those mistake are what make us the people we are today. I know for sure I'm not very good at the 'personal decision making' as of late, but unless I ASK for your advice, please ... keep it to yourself.

I find it kinda cute and hilarious that the people giving me the advice are people who have either: 1, come from a family with more money than the Hiltons 2, never had a REAL problem in their lives 3, are complete hypocrites with their own advice or my favorite 4, just plain searching for my gossip to make themselves feel better about their pathetic lives. Note to number four, I can actually SEE you when you're rolling your eyes.

We all have problems people, the best growing experiences for all of us is digging through the trenches to get ourselves out of them. We get a little wiser, we grow up a little more, and it makes us look forward to what the future might bring.

The world has been more than trying my patience this year; as far as I know it really can't get any harder unless I'm living out of my car. Frankly I know too many people for that to actually happen. I'm looking forward to the new start; by the end of 2008 maybe I'll have a lot more figured out.

So that being said, here's my toast to the new year....

Here's to turning 30 in less than 3 months! May my 30th year be the start of something wonderful.

Here's to my family (including my friends which are the family I choose) for listening, loving, and understanding that sometimes I need to fall on my face HARD to be able to find the stubbornness inside myself to keep going.

Here's to those people who give me the unsolicited advice, may you find your advice to me more helpful to yourself, since I choose not to give up on myself.

Here's to you, yes you. You've been through your own difficulties this year, congrats for making it through them, in one piece on both feet, trucking along like the trooper you are.

Here's to me, for discovering ... me.

Good riddens 2007 ... Bring it on 2008, I think this year, I just might win.

Posted elsewhere, moving here...Happy Holidays

I'm not even sure who's going to take the time to click here...it's such a generic headline, but I'm a little bored at work so I thought I'd spill a little....

The holiday season is upon us yet again ladies and gentleman, and I use those terms loosely knowing who's on myspace . It seems like only yesterday I was frantically getting myself together to do a million and a half things in just a few days, see friends, drive to the families house, white trash bar hop and drive to go to Eric and Jen's wedding in St. Louis. Has it ALREADY been a year? Is that possible?! But yes my dears it has.

This year is a little quieter for me. The family is going up to our vacation home; I'm unable to get off work to join them. My roomie is going to Vegas to visit her Dad, so this year, it's just Dawn. (and not in the nickname sense either).

I'm slightly looking forward to a little quiet time. This year has been rough for me. I've done a lot of soul searching, made some major decisions and came to some conclusions in my life, for me this was a LONG time overdue. I keep saying I'm doing it, but don't...or put it off. This time...I took the steps.

Over the last year I really settled into myself emotionally. I'm more 'centered' emotionally than I ever have been in my life. I finally have a grasp as to what I want to accomplish both professionally, romantically, and personally. I know ME better than I ever have in my life. Granted, I'm not real HAPPY with me, but I know me. Anyone who has ever hit his spot in their lives knows what I'm talking about.

I am flawed....majorly and unforgivably flawed. I pick the wrong men to get into relationships with, and I let the potential 'right' one's slip through my fingers. I over eat when I'm bored...what I love to cook. I overextend myself....mainly paying for others, I love to treat people...instead of myself. I'm horrible at calling people back and 'keeping in touch' .. I'm working on it, slowly. I can't seem to 'open' myself up to the people I should, I keep it bottled up inside, or I just cry at night...why? Well in fear of that feeling of failure, I've never been one to ask for help even when I need it and even though I know I could.

Funny, the more you can sit down and name your flaws, the more you’re 'ok' with them. It's like fear, once you've looked it, faced it, it's not a fear anymore. Well, for me it was LONG overdue. I'm 29, not 18...but some of us fall harder than others don't we? By no means am I a giant fuck up...I'm just me...flaws and all and hell ... I kinda like me. If you don't...bounce :)

So, how did I get here you ask? It's a lot less complicated than you think. I evaluated what I didn't like and I changed it. I hated how badly my job treated me, I left. I didn't like the way some 'friends' were treating me, I cut them out of my life. I don't like my financial situation; I took the steps towards freedom. I don't like sitting in the back seat watching people get walked on; I started speaking up....more anyway. There are some things I can't control....dating for example. I can't make the perfect guy fall in my lap, but I sure can try to stop 'falling' for the wrong ones.

I'm content with being single, never actually really bothered me. I'm not incomplete when I don't have a boyfriend; I'm more of myself without one. Would I LIKE to get married and have kids someday....maybe. If it's not in the 'plan' for me will I be devastated and feel empty? No. The two men I always told I was going to just marry someday and get it over with, well they are both happily married now, and I'm THRILLED for them. The one guy I can look back and say I should've given a chance and I could possibly BE married now, well, I was a mean selfish bitch to that someone. Years later, I apologized, but sometimes it's a 'too little too late' kind of situation. If I wouldn't have been such a stubborn ass, maybe I'd be in a different spot in my life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason though. Que Sera Sera right?

Needless to say, I'm SO ready to KICK THE HELL out of 2007 and welcome 2008. With this new 'perspective' and positive out look, I should be heading in a really fantastic direction, and I have some wonderful people to join me....I heart my friends and family.

So, to all of you out there. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry/Happy Kwanzaa...Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays....and all that fun stuff. I wish you all the best for your lives and the up coming year, may it be insightful and expiring to you and the people in your life. Remember, no one is perfect, embrace your flaws and go with it....we're all going to die someday and it's better if we do it happy and with our hearts full of love.

Love you all....see you in 2008 (If not before)

I just realized

I have stupid expensive taste.

I've been wanting a right hand ring for my 30th, I figure if I'm not going to get diamonds from a man, I might as well buy them myself. I've been looking for a while. Of course...it always comes back to Tiffany's style.....these are the three I love. If I could find imitations that were REAL silver, white gold, or better yet platinum, I'd get them....

Keep your eyes peeled for me.

I feel better

I already reported them to the Department of Labor AND the BBB. But writing this on Ripoff Report.com made me feel so much better. Sad part, it's not even the HALF of it.

Where to begin. I worked for TaylorMade Promotionz, which is in the same office as PPI, or Powerhoutz. I have never been so angry to accept a job in my life!

It wasn't the lying on the phone or physical interview, it wasn't the 10 people in the same office to interview for the same job, it was the FALSE promises they made me just to say yes to the job in the first place. I actually GAVE UP another good job opportunity to go to TMP/PPI. I liked the high energy, the unusual office environment and the girl I interviewed with and I had a lot in common. First thing I said to her when we discussed me taking the job was...if this is a pyramid scam, I'm going to kill you. She assured me it wasn't.

Other things I was assured? That this was NOT commission. (it is...FULLY & you split it with the other person your on site with) that there would be insurance provided (there is NO insurance, they give a line about all the paper work that is to be filled out, but never ACTUALLY give you the paperwork) my fellow co-worker was even told that insurance was free, paid for by TMP. Another lie. There would be reimbursement for expenses, by that they mean, file it on your taxes at the end of the year as a business expense.

In 6 weeks I was sent to so many places they claimed to have 'events' set up in and when we got there they had NO clue as to who we were nor did they know we were going to be selling anything. Real professional. Oh, did I mention the illegal act of 'parking lot' pitching they would encourage you to do DAILY. I don't know how many times I had to 'talk' my way out of being arrested.

Between bad directions, information, shotty merchandise, and poor explanation your expectations...I was left several GRAND in debt. Yes, I did say grand. Between using my credit cards to pay for gas (filling up 2 to 3 times WEEKLY), food (I worked from 730am to 730 to 9pm), merchandise my leader convinced me to buy and get rid of later (don't get me started) I had to use them to pay my rent, phone bill, electric bill, and everything else that was due because I made a whole $500 that MONTH and just barely.

If that wasn't bad enough I you are talked to like a 3 year old in the office daily. Thanks, I don't need a 20 year old telling me how 'bad' the corporate world is...he's never been in it! I have news for them...'I've got goals' and they may not be as 'Juicy' as you think your life with Quantum or Innovage will be, but they are realistic. I laugh at 'Billy Houtz' re-buttle to these posts.

Billy, why don't you explain how 'believing' in this business cost you custody of you CHILD. I don't know anything that would be more important than my own flesh and blood. I almost lost a relationship with my own family because of this job. I not only couldn't talk to them, but trying to explain what I did and why I kept having to borrow money?! Oh wow, not good.

Worst thing is...the only reason I left, one I was getting a real impression that they weren't giving the CPEA as much as they said they were, was because I got ill....REALLY ILL. Did anyone care to give me a call and check on me? Yeah right. I actually ended up going to the hospital, well there's more debt for you.

Stay away, stay FAR away. It was a lot of speed talking, empty promises and people who really know how to make you feel like a giant piece of ...well you know. Funny, I was told I was the protégé of the place too...imagine what you would be treated like if you weren't! I believe you could probably go far in this company IF you were the Katie Taylor/Larissa Hawley's of this world that came from very rich families that could support you while you were trying to 'build your business'. As far as I know, I, nor anyone else at TMP/PPI could actually live off the paychecks, why do you think most of the people at PPI live in the same place called, 'Peddlers Pad'. Think twice before you get caught up.

Everyday N and I ask ourselves....WHAT WERE WE THINKING!!

Strange?!

Strange text of the day:

Nicole: There is a gay man on project runway that talks like us

Me: Does that mean we're gay or we spend too much time with gay men?

Nicole: The latter

Me: Yeah now we have someone to blame it on!

Strange text of the day Sunday December 2 2007

Me: to Nicole: So I was thinking, if that was 'Return to Fat Camp' how do we get to see the original? P.S. Where's my cake?

Nicole: Listen Fatty McFat Fat I don't think you need any cake

Liquid happiness

I went out last night, didn't ever really drink a lot ... but I have a GOD AWFUL hangover. So I'm going to nurse it with my favorite thing in the whole world...

Liquid happiness a.k.a. Bloody Mary

And one, two, three....one, two, three....

Oh I’m sure you’ve been sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for three haven’t you?

Yeah, I know better, you could care less, but I’m writing it anyway.

Third in my list of ‘New Years’ type resolutions are to do all those things I keep saying I’m going to do. I like going to the gym, why do I keep putting off going? How is it when I walk in the door every night I become the most ridiculously lazy person lately? My house isn’t even as clean as it usually is. Stupid depression. Funny thing is I’m not even that unhappy of a person; I just get home and instantly get lazy.

After next week, Thanksgiving that is. I’m back at the gym. I’m going to clean the heck out of my house hopefully this weekend since I don’t have any plans AND my roomie will be in Ohio for the weekend, most of all, I’m going to make those doctors appointments I’ve been putting off.

No one is going to make me a better me EXCEPT me. I could use a little encouragement, who couldn’t, but I need to accept the fact that it’s not going to change on its own. I’ve started taking my meds more regularly than the sporadic nature I did before. I made it part of my routine here at my new job, so might as well start making the gym and everything else in my life routine again too.

I’m looking forward to it; I really think I can get my life back on track for that ever faithful 30th birthday coming up. Hell, I work for a company that supplies exercise equipment now, it should be motivating! It’s been a long 2007 and 2008 should be a breeze if I put my mind to it. My life isn’t as bad as it could be; I still have a wonderful family, friends and a kick ass support system.

2008, heading toward a debt free, romantic, healthy year! GET EXCITED. (random foot step forward for Nikki)

And now, random text of the day!
I’ll give you TWO today.

Poco Noco aka Dave: 11/15/2007 10:54 am: I’m a REAL boy!

Timmy Nichols aka Timmy 2 Times: Sex is like eating at KFC, once you’re done nibbling on the breast and thigh; you have a nice greasy box to stick your bone in.

What a girl wants

I have spent the last several months trying to keep up with this blog, and failing miserably. I’m not sure anyone reads it anyway so it’s more of a ‘for me’ thing anyway. Lately I’ve been finding a lot of inspiration in my daily life I feel I should share with the internet, even if the internet isn’t paying attention.


So I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am and what I want out of my life lately. It happens when you have a lot of extra free time due to being jobless and sick. I’m not a materialistic person. I don’t expect a lot of praise and fame for the things I do. I just want to be happy in my life, and so far the last nearly 30 years have had very few and far between fleeting moments of happiness.

I honestly don’t believe for a second that there is one person on this planet that is happy all the time. Doesn’t matter if your rich in famous, or poor and lonely, everyone has something missing in their lives. For me I think I may have figured out what it is and now all it takes is taking the steps to work my way towards it.
What is this ‘list’ you may ask. Well, not all the things I can wave a magic wand to get, it’ll take time, not mention patience to get. First and foremost, the thing I’ve been working on for 5 years, but keep falling off the wagon with…

My debt. Every time I get a little upset or things are not working out for me, how do I fix it? Retail therapy. I admit it; I’m not even the junkie you think I am. I want shoes and clothes like the next girl, but my worst habit, eating out. Somehow treating myself to dinner doesn’t make me feel as bad as buying a pair of shoes. Mind you if I had the shoes I could wear them continuously and get some use out of the money spent. Nope not me, somehow I feel as though if I spend it on dinner and drinks somehow it ‘doesn’t count’. Guess what? It does... big time.

Then you loose your job, or in my case quit because my job was literally trying to kill me, and guess what you have to do? Live off your credit cards. Wow, you wouldn’t believe how quickly things add up when they’re all going on one card. Well, I do. So guess what?! After the 30th of this month, my first pay check for my new job, no more cards. I’m done. They are going AWAY and I’m only using them in an emergency. Emergency NOT being I want to go for dinner and I haven’t been out in a month, but emergency being I need gas to get to work tomorrow or my car breaks down. No using the card unless I at the very least pay ONE of them off. It’ll be my ‘mini’ celebration. I don’t know how I got myself in this mess, but one things for sure, I need out.

The only way that’s going to happen? Actually become as stubborn as I know I can be. I need to stop ‘covering’ for people and then not actually getting the money for it. Treating me to a $20 lunch does not make up for the $40 I spent on covering you last night. My friends don’t do it on purpose, I know they don’t. But honestly, when’s the last time I asked you to cover for me after the check came? Probably next to never.

Second, I need to stick to my guns about what I’m looking for in my next relationship. I tend to get ‘lonely’ and settle for men who only use me for what I can give them. I’m not even talking about just sex either. It’s always one of three things, they want me to be their rock, but they don’t want to be mine. Just a quick bit of fun in bed, or even worse, financial stability. I don’t know when I became a human ATM machine of sex and money but I’m not playing this game anymore. I’m bored with it. Lose my phone number if your looking to hook up, or you need and ‘advance’ until pay day, or even worse you somehow mistook me for your mother and want me to fix you problems daily.

Yes, I’m ok when it comes to finance. I can budget better than most, but I didn’t budget for you and I’m not going to. Granted I like a little fun once in a while when it comes to bed time endeavors, but I’m tired of all the fun with none of the romance. I may be a guy’s girl and like to sit and watch football and drink beer with you, but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be treated like a girl on occasion! It’s really not that much to ask for. I don’t want you to fall all over yourself treating me like a princess, cause frankly guys who do that and girls who think they deserve to be treated like that all the time make me physically ill. Literally.

But planning a special date or weekend on occasion. Surprising me with a love note or flowers you picked yourself. Or even just a random spontaneous burst of affection that literally takes me by surprise. It’s not too much to ask, and frankly I’m sick of making myself believe that it is. I’m going to hold out until I find it….face it, I’m not going to get any for a bit while I wait, but when I do….it’ll be worth it won’t it. I shouldn’t have to pretend that I don’t care if there’s romance in my life when I do. I REALLY do, I’m not settling for the alright relationship, I’m turning 30 in a few months and damn it I want and extraordinary relationship. I’ve done the single thing this long, I can hold out till it comes my way.

Third….well this post is getting long, so I’ll hold off on three until next time. Gives you something to look forward to.

Till next time, I’ll leave you with random text of the day.

Text from Nikki sent 11/12 1:06 a.m.: I need you to know that we were just pulled over for mooning while driving.

To be or not to be....

I always joke that I should write a book.

A book of the most ridiculous situations, conversations, and developments that happen in my life. My friend today proceded to tell me there could actually be a T.V. series based on my life, and you know what? I agree with him. I'm like my own walking sketch comedy.

This is an actual conversation I had on Sunday:

Dave: You know it's like that guy Poco Noco!

Me: WHO?! What are you talking about? Who is Poco Noco?

Dave: The kid who wanted to be a real boy, but he was wooden.

Me: You mean Pinocchio?!

Dave: YEAH that kid!

Me: Did you just make Pinocchio a cholo?!

Dave: That's what I do, I'm Mexican so everything else has to be.

Oh I laughed for about 10 minutes, then proceed to save Dave in my phone as Poco Noco instead of Dave now.

So then Rob shares this story with me today. Mind you I'm not sure why people share stuff like this with me, but damn I'm glad they do.

Rob: I was thinking bout writing a book too. On my zany things that have happened to me. Like the time I went to Portugal and 2 sailors picked up a hooker. And when I saw them the next day and asked them how it went, the reply, (I still use this expression to this day because it was so gross yet so funny). He said, When she took off her pants, it smelled like a dead buffalo with a fish in its mouth.” Tell me that is not book writing stuff. So of course I said, oh so you wasted all that $$ huh? What do you think he said??? “OH NO!! I hit it!” That should be in a book!!!

Yes Rob, it should, and since it's not. I just put it in a blog until it could make it in a book :) Good times ... good times.

Getting there....

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while. It's been a strange ride the last few months. I've been up .. I've been down ... I've been REALLY down... so here's a clue in.
I left North American, best decision I've ever made. I was being drivin' to the edge of insanity there. I loved my job, the sales team, the responsibility... what I didn't love? The intimidation, the guilt, the hurt that everyday I came in and everyday I was basically told I was worthless. So, I made the decision and I moved on...

Moving on to a job I had for 2 1/2 weeks, what a joke. I was let go for being (and I quote) too smart and talented. I was hurt, but they were right. I was going to be bored and not be able to use my skills to be able to help the company in anyway, nor did they want me to.

Then it all slid downhill quickly .. I got a job, seemed to be an ok job, but I was called back to a second interview for a place I loved when I first walked in. The high energy, the possibility to work for a charity .. the 'opportunity'. Well, I met a great girl, Lindsey .. loved her from the start. She WAS ME!! If that's possible (besides my blonde version Beth) She convinced me to give it a chance and I wouldn't be disappointed. Boy was I!

I called the position I accepted already and went full force into TMP. Long hours doesn't bother me ... working for what I believe in really doesn't bother me, but something did .. something I should have seen right away but didn't. Don't trust a place that has high turnover, it's usually for a reason. I met another great girl ... Nicole, whose slowly becoming someone I can't go a day without talking to. She makes me smile, and then laugh out loud over and over. All was .. well OK. Then, then the paychecks kept getting smaller and smaller. And I started feeling smaller and smaller. I didn't like the way people talked to me like I was a 5th grader. The way people would practically SELL themselves for money. The lies people told each other daily. While yes, there may have been an 'opportunity' it was only for those who had the support of someone else to help them.

Family and friends are great in these situations...pyramid scams...you CAN go far, but only if you can handle not paying your rent for 6 months. I myself didn't quite get it until I got sick. Really sick. Dehydrated...diagnosed with bronchitis, laryngitis, mono, beginning of renal failure if I didn't slow down and get medical attention I could just end up in the hospital, or worse .. die.

I'll never forget that week. Monday, I was coughing up blood, went home and slept for 12 hours. For me, a record. Tuesday I got up and went to work, lost it half way through the morning, crying at the SMALLEST thing. What did I get when I apologized for being a flake and letting them know I really didn't feel well? Told to suck it up, we all work when we're sick. WHAT?! Yes, I've worked when I was sick before, LOTS as a matter of fact. Most of the time it takes an act of God to keep me from getting to work. Usually a migraine or two. And these people were telling me I was basically a loser, worthless, not strong enough. To prove them wrong, I got in the car to start the day, then the dizziness started...then I went and lay on a gross Jewel bathroom floor and threw up blood....

10 minutes after that started, I called Nicole, desperate just to talk to someone who would understand .. I was really sick, and scared...and worst of all miserable. With my life, my job my health ... just plain miserable. As I sat in this bathroom crying to Nicole, searching for a moment of clarity I was disturbed by someone pounding on the door to get in the washroom. I moved my way to the Osco, found myself in hysterics on the phone ... in the liquor department. That's when the clarity hit. Nicole had to say it, but it hit. 'You're standing in the liquor department crying .. is it really worth it?'

That's when I realized it wasn't. It was OK if I wanted to go home because I was ill. It didn't make me a bad person, or have any effect on my work ethic, or make me a quitter. It made me ... HUMAN. It's survival of the fittest out there and really ... if I didn't take care of myself, how COULD I help missing kids? I couldn't. I took my crying self back outside where the girl I was with was giving me a lecture about being gone for 30 minutes, and I succumbed to how I felt instead of fighting it. I felt like I was dying and needed to go home...now.

I didn't drive that day, so I called my roommate, Heather, she couldn't leave for at least 2 hours, and I called Jenkins, voice mail. Finally, after calling the owner...the girl I was with decided to take me home, but not before trying to take me to a Walgreens clinic. After 45 minutes of waiting crying and barely able to keep my eyes open the 'nurse' on duty tells me exactly what I expected .. to go to the hospital. Well, since TMP didn't provide the insurance they told me they would, well that was out of the question. I finally made it home, lay on the couch and stayed there until Heather got home. Urgent care here I come!

Well, needless to say, I'm better now. Decided my life wasn't worth risking by going back to TMP, and realized just how much debt I'd put myself in being there. So, I moved on. Took me a month to find a job I liked and thought would be best for me. It's an up and coming company in the US and growing like a weed. I've spent the last 4 days there now, and so far so good.

I left NA because I was miserable and felt worthless .. and landed myself in a place that made me feel worse. I wish nothing but the best of luck to those who ACTUALLY stayed. I see your opportunity for you, and I hope you reach your 'Step 7' but some of us just can't wade through 100 checks to get there. At nearly 30 I deserve to feel like I'm important, like I matter, like I'm human.

So here I am, happy for the most part. Making my way out of debt, SLOWLY, but I have some great friends and an even better family to smile down on me and make me know I may make mistakes, but I'm a better person for it. They keep me going, so thanks. Thanks to Lindsey for making me know it was ok to be me, thank you to Nicole for my moment of clarity and laughter, thanks to Heather for supporting me in everything in the last few months, rocky as they have been. And especially thanks to my family for making me NOT feel like I failed....because I didn't I prevailed. 2008 should be a breeze after all this.

Jobless....

Yep, that's right. For those of you who haven't heard by now I got let go from my new job.
No, it wasn't for looking up porn on the internet, or for my sarcasim...but for, and I quote being to smart and talented for the position. They were afraid I was going to become really bored with the very limited interation with people I was going to have. They're right, but the worst part, they wouldn't even let me continue to work until I found something new.

So, for the first time in history, I was layed off for being smart and talented. On the up side I'm hoping to find something even better. I interviewed at a few places today, and a few more this week. I was at a company today I LOVED. It's an events planner, very high energy and lots of interaction. I love any place that's playing dance music when I walk into the office, AWESOME! :) I came really close to just getting up and dancing, but I figured I'd tone it down for now :)

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Down and out....

I know I've been using this blog for my weight loss as of late, and speaking of I've been to the gym everyday this week thank you, but today I'm down and out...and I thought I'd use my blog for it's intended purpose for the first time in a while.

Today is my ex's birthday. Why does that depress me you ask? Well, it's complicated.

First, I still love him, I'm not by any means IN love with him anymore, but I do still deeply care for the prick.

Second, I would love to send him a message letting him know I remembered and to give him birthday wishes. I know if I do this 1. he will not appreciate them in the slightest and just look at it as me pining for him and 2. he could care less if I remembered or not 3. he'll use it as an excuse to tell people I still want him.

Third, I have fond memories of the time we were together and spent his birthday together. Mind you, it was YEARS ago now, but it was fond none the less and I miss those care free times.

Fourth, basically, I'm a loser. Yep I said it, I am. It sucks how abusive relationships still years later have an effect on how you feel. Sadly, this one does.

That being said, and it being the anniversary of Elvis' death, I'm in a funk. Hopefully by the weekend, and Alex's birthday....things will be looking up for me.

HOLY GEEZ!!

Ok, people! You GOT to talk to me here! What the F! When did it get this far out of control!?

I just caught myself in profile in the mirror in the bathroom at work, ummm....SCARY! I didn't realize how fat I really looked! I do like like the chunky fat Italian girl, and don't tell me otherwise, I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.

I threw out my back recently, but today, BACK in the gym, and I'm not stopping until at LEAST 20 lbs have dropped from my fast arse! I also started my weight watchers back up today to track what I'm eating, and guess what, I'm such a porker at 130 I only have 5 points left AND I didn't eat lunch. I gotta quit that munching....

Lazy...not really...busy...hell yes

So you may be wonder where I've been an why I said I was going to be all 'serious' about my blog and weight loss then disappeared. Well the truth is, I was job hunting. And quite successful I might add!

After the last 2 years of being terribly unhappy and held back from growth at work, I decided to more on and posted my resume on Monster. With in a 12 hour period my phone and email were out of control! Within a week, I found myself a new J-O-B.

More money, more ability to grow, more knowledge.....it sounds like it's really going to be great for me and I'm excited to start on July 30th.

So as for my gym time, well I'll be back in the gym as of tomorrow. I promise! I can't afford not to go, that wedding is coming sooner than later!

Little late but still....

There was a holiday, and I'm job hunting (shhhh...) so here's an update, but a small one.

Today June 11, 2007
Days at the gym: 10
Calories burned at the gym: 3699
Miles jogged: 30.6
Weight today: I forgot on 7/6, so we're shooting for 7/20
Weight to lose before the wedding: 30 lbs
Weight I WANT to lose: 50 lbs

A.M. Run

TFK is going to go to the gym early today since he has something to do tonight, so since I couldn't sleep anyway....I went to the gym at 5:30 for a quick workout before work since I want to go grocery shopping later. The cupboards are bare....

Today June 28, 2007
Days at the gym: 6
Calories burned at the gym: 2822
Miles jogged: 23.2
Weight today: Next weigh in 7/6/07
Weight to lose before the wedding: 30 lbs
Weight I WANT to lose: 50 lbs

Keeping it going....

Today June 28, 2007
Days at the gym: 5
Calories burned at the gym: 2472
Miles jogged: 19.7
Weight today: Next weigh in 7/6/07
Weight to lose before the wedding: 30 lbs
Weight I WANT to lose: 50 lbs

It's starting to really hurt too....

Tuesday June 26th

So I was a little lazy this weekend. I went to a baseball game watched the Cubs beat the pants of the Sox, can you say SWEEP. And since I walked around the city a bit...I skipped the gym. Mainly because I was a bit hung over on Monday and I was expecting someone to stop by, and they didn't. DAMN IT. So I pushed it an extra half hour today, and tomorrow I will too.

Today June 27, 2007
Days at the gym: 4
Calories burned at the gym: 1957
Miles jogged: 16.0 even whoo ha!
Weight today: Next weigh in 7/6/07
Weight to lose before the wedding: 30 lbs
Weight I WANT to lose: 50 lbs

Working it OUT...or off really

I’ve been thinking a lot lately…I know, it’s dangerous, but seriously, I have done nothing about my increasing waistline. I keep saying I’m going to, but it never happens. I mean I really go all out for about 2 weeks, and then nachos come my way and I’m just all downhill from there. Who can REALLY say no to nachos?!

So … I decided since I haven’t used this blog in a while I’d start using it to help keep myself accountable. Putting it in my face is the only way to really make me think about it isn’t it?
I admit I have a lot of problems with diet and exercise. First of all, I don’t think I’m THAT much of a fatty, until I catch myself in the mirror right before jumping in the shower, then I scare myself.

Second, I LOVE food. No really, it’s my boyfriend & my best friend. It cheers me up when I’m depressed, keeps me company when I’m lonely … hell it just plain gives me something to do when I have nothing better to do. I have a theory that the foods that are the messiest are the best tasting. Nachos, chilidogs, a fat juicy burger. YUM! If they’re a possibility of staining your clothes, it’s going to be damn good! And then there’s the deep fried theory, you can’t go wrong when you deep-fry something. I even had deep fried pickles when I went to Louisiana this last time, and they were to DIE for. Nothing like completely bastardizing the cucumber.

Third, well, I’m lazy. I hear people I know actually laughing. Yes, I’m a work-a-holic that can spend 16 to 20 hours a day at work. Yes, I’m a neat freak who spends her Saturdays on ‘clean mode’ and proceeds to scare people with how badly I want things clean. BUT when it comes to my own health, I’m the laziest bitch you know. It’s sad really. When I could be out running or walking even on a beautiful day. I choose to lay with the TV on and do nothing. I think it’s because I don’t have an opportunity to do nothing a lot so therefore I find it necessary to ‘treat’ myself on the rare occasion that it comes up. Which of course means sitting on the couch all day stuffing my face. Smart huh?

Oh, and then there’s beer. I how could you not like the tasty goodness? Even though it backs on the extra calories and pounds…I still heart beer. And of course my favorites are the most fatting of all Weiss beers. Mmmm….Blue Moon…..but really….I’m pretty sick of grossing myself out. I lie in bed at night actually depressed about my weight and then during the day, I make all the wrong choices. I have to admit, I’m terrified about seeing people from my past at a wedding in September. I’m sick of being lethargic and pitiful. I want my hot skinny bod back. And damn it…I’m going to get it!

First, in March I joined Weight Watchers online to try and make me accountable for what goes in my mouth everyday. I’ll tell you one hard part…living with someone else. I may not buy the ice cream knowing I’ll eat it when I go to the store, but she might. And I’m an ice cream junkie! It’s easier to say yes when she asks me if I want something from Taco Bell than to get up and cook and who’s going to turn down a Frosty from Wendy’s on a hot day? Well, since March I haven’t really followed the WW plan. And sadly is haven’t really gained or lost more than a few pounds…and I think that was water weight. Honestly right now my goal is to break into the 170’s! And that’s been my goal for months. Sad, really sad.

Well, I made a deal with myself, I’m not going to waste my hard earned money on something I’m not going to use, instead of quitting the program, I’m getting more serious about it. Keeping a food journal and tracking EVERY point I can. This week alone I’m almost over my allotted points, I tell you I’m a pig…but I’m aware of it and am making plans for my next grocery shopping trip to prevent these problems.

Second, last Saturday night TFK(the fat kid) and the boys came over the hiznouse (yeah I said it) and drank wine for TFK’s birthday. Inevitable when TFK gets wasted, he starts talking about his weight. He was actually talking to the boys about joining a gym with him, but when I heard how cheap it was, I got to thinking….I could handle that price. Not to mention if I’m paying for it, no matter how little, I’m going. So Tuesday, I joined a gym. Now I can’t make the excuses about running outside…it’s raining, it’s too cold, it’s too hot…blah blah blah. So since TFK wants be TSSK (the somewhat skinnier kid) and he’s willing to admit he needs to be helped by having someone go with him I’m now his gym partner…mainly cause he’s scared I’ll kill him if he doesn’t show J but it’s also helping me, I need to be held accountable as well. I won’t stand someone up for anything, I’ll make excuses to myself why not to go, but that won’t fly for him…or for me anymore for that matter.

In the last 3 days, I’ve ‘jogged’ a total of 10.3 miles burned 1247calories at the gym and I actually feel pretty great. It’s only day 3 though people. I figured I’d look at it like Celebrity Fit Club. They have 100 days to bring down their weight and some of them loose as much as 50 lbs. I WANT to loose a total of 50 lbs. But with the wedding coming in 3 short months from today, I’m going to shoot for 30 lbs by then. 90 days, 30 lbs….I think it’s plausible. Really, if you look at it mathematically, it’s about .3 lbs a day. That’s feasible I think. As long as I watch my intake and really take my workouts seriously, I think I’ve got it made.

So .. by September 22, 2007, the day of my cousin Casey’s wedding I SHOULD be 30 lbs (if not more) lighter J Wish me luck! I’ll keep you posted at least once a week on my progress…if you’re reading or care anyway ….

Today June 22, 2007
Days at the gym: 3 (in a row!)
Calories burned at the gym: 1247
Miles jogged: 10.3
Weight today: 181.2 … mind you I’ll only be on the scale every 2 weeks or I’ll FREAK out
Weight to lose before the wedding: 30 lbs
Weight I WANT to lose: 50 lbs

And I would like to point out that today at lunch instead of getting a Dr. Pepper (which I do have an obsession for) I got the light lemonade….not as tasty as Dr Pepper, I mean really what can be, but WAY less calories!

Reasons why I'll miss Alex...

...when he leaves for Texas in July.

1. Those world famous hugs.
2. His huge heart.
3. The love he has for people in general.
4. The dedication he has to his friends.
5. His ability to just be there when you need him.
6. Sober rides to Wisconsin.
7. Being able to randomly call him from New Orleans drunk and needing a shot recipe.
8. His passion for life.
9. His love of fun.
10. Those hugs....
11. Knowing I could call him even at 3am, for anything.
12. Depending on him for a shoulder to cry on.
13. Being able to be in sweats and no make up and him still calling me beautiful.
14. Watching me date all the wrong men...and being able to laugh with me about it later.
15. His laugh which could put a smile on any one's face.
16. Watching him get wasted on Jack.
17. Watching him get wasted on Jack and hitting on me.
18. He appreciates a nice rack.
19. He loves deeper than anyone I know.
20. Who am I going to get to give me those hugs? There better be a training seminar for someone.
21. His amazing listening ability.
22. His ability to listen .. even when he doesn't want to.
23. He's an amazing cuddler.
24. His sense of humor.
25. His sense of loyalty.
26. His smile can light up a room.
27. The party doesn't start until he arrives :)
28. Yearly football games .. who else will make sure I have a jacket and then I end up make hot chocolate and run all over the countryside missing the game for.
29. Brings me as the bitch to the bring your own bitch parties :)
30. I'm serious, I'll have to start a 12 step program for people who will miss those hugs.
31. The fact I don't have to talk to him everyday for him to know his in my thoughts and heart.
32. The fact I don't have to talk to him everyday to know I'm in his
33. His support when I need it.
34. His ability to tell me I'm full of it.
35. One less Cubs fan in Chicago.
36. His advice when I need it and ask for it.
37. His advice when I didn't ask.
38. Who the hell am I going to flirt with and stare at when I go to the Grill?!
39. His candy flavored martini making ability.
40. Did I mention his hugs yet?
41. The way he takes care of everyone else before himself.
42. His warm soft kisses hello.
43. Who else is going to get drunk and take their clothes off?!
44. Sober rides to Chicago.
45. Who's going to play Silk's 'Freak Me' at 3am?! :)
46. Unconditional Love.
47. He way his eyes light up when he talks about is kids.
48. Stupid inside jokes that make no sense but to you, me, Alan and James....
49. Who will I marry now?!
50. I'm going to really miss those hugs...I guess I'm just going to have to go to Texas to visit.

There are so many more...and so much love...but it's a start to help him understand how much not only I as his friend, but so many others are going to miss him. Just a little reminder that we love you and understand and know why you have to go, but we want you to come home too. Don't get too comfortable.

Long time no see...

Yeah, it's been awhile since I blogged....on here or on my regular blog. There's been a lot on my mind, I'm just not so willing to share right now. I'm a little down and out ... I'll get over it and be back to my ol' self soon I'm sure.

But on a high note, my brother Ed, and sister in law Melissa,did have their newest addition last Friday at 2:42 am. May 18 1983 was the day my father's mother died so it was like a little bit of life lives on. I'm terribly happy for my new niece Emma.

On another note, it's also the 8th wedding anniversary for my sister Mer, and her husband Mike. Hard to believe it was EIGHT years ago...feels like just yesterday. Congrats on the 'broze' anniversary I see you making it to gold! So when's the next niece/nephew coming?

I'll be back soon I'm sure .. watch for it

Random....

Random things that happened to me this weekend.....

Katie and I were asked if we were strippers....and we where only standing there trying to order beer...**in case your wondering Katie and I without missing a beat answered yes in unison and then continued our conversation...

Random guy stalking our ashtray...

Bouncer almost jumped me while walking up the stairs.

A women put her WHOLE arm in a trash can in the womens was room and then asked Katie to put her whole leg in it....

LOTS of shoulder pads, big hair, and boots with capris....

More 'random dancing' than I've seen in my entire life....you know the kind where the girl/guy on the floor is dancing to the beat in thier head not the one that's playing.

Salt n Pepa, Sir Mix A Lot, and Cisco all back to back (yes, I did the Missy Lenhoff dance for Katie too)

Mind you this is just what I can think of, and we were only there for 3 hours....

I'm SO having a field trip up to Wisconsin with my friends. It's a cheap liquor night....I'll even spring for the hotel room....

Birthday....

What can I say, with all the crap I went through in the weeks to get to my 29th...I couldn't have asked for a better party.

Since this year ... honestly I wasn't going to do ANYTHING due to my former bad luck years, when Mike told me he was having his party on the 24th I figured, why not...I'll ask if I can tag along. Me and a few friends later .. I got my own little 'celebration' going.
With me being robbed 2 weeks before, and Jenkins and I getting into a fight the day before...I was ready to call the whole thing off. But I thought about it, why make others suffer when they were looking forward to something for my pissy mood.

Even the day off I thought I was going to loose it I was pretty nerve racked. I recovered thanks to Staci and a few drinks. And all was GOOD. Really good. I saw some people I hadn't seen in while. I got to have most of my friends gather together, I was wasted and happy.....I even got hit on by a 25 year old.....yeah....I've still got it ;)

Maybe this damn curse of mine is broken....although I'm STILL not willing to travel so Katie, no Vegas...knowing me the plane would be delayed, they'd loose our reservations, and we'd be homeless the whole weekend. Nope from now on, the only parties I'm having are the one's that other people plan. They seem to be the ones that don't end in disaster :)

Thanks to all of you agian for coming out. I wish the night didn't go as fast as it did so I could have spent more time with all of you. And especially thanks to Mike for letting me tag along....I'll fix your MySpace any day. Much love to all of you.

Just FYI

I've had a couple of people comment to me privately about my blogs on Valentines and how I hate February.

I love that you all read my blogs, that's awesome to me, but please keep in mind ... blogging is like therapy to me. I have to get it out in order to feel better. Normally by the time I'm done writing the blog, I have a feeling of relief already with me, just cause I got it out of my system. My mind has always been one to run at about 100 miles an hour, and the only way I can clear some of the things out of it, is to write it down.

Most people choose not to do this publicly, but I'm not ashamed of how I feel, so I put it out there.I know my blogs can sometimes sound like I'm depressed, bitter, lonely, and generally unhappy....but really, I'm not. I do get lonely, I do get depressed, but all in all .. I'm pretty happy where I am in my life. Not many people could have gone through some of the things I have in life and turned out so grounded and independent.

I'm happy to be my families 'failure' so to speak. I might be nearly 30 and nothing and I own nothing and have a ok job, but I'm at a pretty good spot for ME in my life. I believe there's a plan for everyone, and as angry as I get sometimes for the bad hand I get dealt, I also know that without suffering there would be no compassion.

Thank you all for 'checking' on me to make sure I wasn't going to jump off a bridge. Trust me, I'm not. Keep checking in, I'll be bad with more good and bad moments I'm sure :)

I loathe February

Thank GOD it's a short month, but it's that time of the year again.

The time of the year that I really dis-like the most....

I made it through Thanksgiving in November. Not too much drama this year and I got to see a bunch of people from my high school days I haven't seen in while.

I made it through Christmas in December. Found out my sister-in-law is pregnant, got a lot of
'it'll happen for you too someday' talk. BUT all in all, I made it without losing my mind.

New Years in December/January. Best friend got married, yep I cried. It was an end to an era. So many good times being bad :) But I'm SO happy he found someone like Jen to share his life with. Funny, they all thought I'D be the first. Proved them wrong huh? :) Then went out and got crazy for the NYE just to remember that I could ... Rehash some hay day times that I used to have when I wasn't the mom of the group, but the crazy one instead. Thanks Jenky and Scott for making me go in the first place.

Now, February comes around....and I get all blah again. Valentine's, what a stupid holiday, but it totally makes EVERY single girl feel like the biggest piece of crap doesn't it. I don't even believe in this holiday. I tend to call it ... the nationwide celebration of my parents anniversary, but still....now they're playing all the 'romantic comedies' and 'love stories' on TV. Every commercial has some romantic theme to it, cripes....even every TV show has some 'Valentines' motif to it.

I want to throw up.

The reason why I take Valentines so hard? Two reasons.

Reason #1. Next month is the end of my 'holiday' season with it being my birthday. Granted Easter is right around the corner, but who gets 'depressed' during Easter? Every Valentines, I'm alone, and every Valentines I just think of how in a month I'm going to be another year older and start another year alone. How depressing.

Reason # 2. I WANT the romance damnit! I've done the 'dirty' so to speak, and I can get a man to "want" me (notice the quotes here people) but it's never in a romantic kind of way. I've been there, done that with all the 'fun' stuff so to speak. I've danced on bars, I've make out in corners, I've had some pretty wild times.....with and without the drug years. (I'm keeping this clean in order NOT to freak out my family members....) I had trysts in my life that would make you blush to say the least, but that's not what I want anymore. I'm bored with it. It's not fun anymore. I want the romance, I want someone to WANT to send me flowers and surprise me with romantic dates, or getaways. I want the fairy tale even though I know it doesn't exist, but the older I get the more I want the movie ending. Just cause I hang out with the guys doesn't mean I'm not a girl on the inside.

I'm not even talking about all the commitment and marriage thing. I'm talking about the moonlight walk, the wine picnic, the creativity date because you thought I was worth the trouble of planning it, the sending me flowers cause you thought of me and it made you smile...so you wanted to make me smile too. Is this too much for a girl to want? I don't think it is. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic, mainly because I think it's dead and hopeless. Thought I found it once, thought there was potential....then I caught him texting me and SEVERAL other women at the same time the same 'cutesy' text messages. That was over before it even started. Note to all of you out there: I'M NOT STUPID! I hang out with mostly men, so I know when it's genuine and when your just trying to get in my pants....

Where did these guys go? And if there out there, how come I can't find them? I know I pick the wrong men. The 'getting a divorce guy', the 'large child' the 'disappear from the planet' guy, the 'drug accident/alcoholic' guy, and even the 'guy with a girlfriend but still looking to get in my pants for fails to mention his girlfriend to me' guy. Not one guy that I have ever 'chosen' to date has every had any ambition in life to want to do anything with life, let alone try and be romantic for me. I've dated the older, the way older, the younger, the I should be in jail (just kidding!) and NONE of them have ever stepped up to the plate.

Maybe that's why I go through men, because I'm willing to be 'that' girl for them...but they aren't willing to be that guy for me and eventually, it gets old. I'm realistic....I don't want you to fly me to Paris, or buy me diamonds, I just want you to surprise me by making me a candlelight dinner for two.

Ok, I'm getting depressed form my own conversation. So my soon to be 29 never experience romance self, is ending this conversation. It's almost not worth talking about anymore anyway.

Relationships .. Part Deux

So along the line of relationships I've been thinking a lot about about my single status as well. I don't mind being single....really I don't. I've been single more than I've been a couple in my lifetime. And lets just say the couples I've been ... not very great either. I've dated everyone from the junkie, the abuser, the user, to the LARGE child, but it's given me experience to know what I'm ACTUALLY looking for.

I have a tendency to go for the underdog, or the unavailable....I fall hard when I do fall, and I want to take care of the person I'm with in every way possible. Hard thing is, I want to be taken care of too. I want there to be give and take, without me doing ALL the giving and them doing all the taking. I want someone who can talk to me ... and be honest from the beginning. I don't want to find out you hate something I do 3 months into a relationship, I want to know up front what you want, what you like, what your looking for. I end up being the ultimate best friend, good buddy, great secret lover ... It's old.

I want to feel it when someone tells me they love me as much as I HEAR it. It can only go so far when you say it too often without showing it. I want to feel secure with you as much as I want to have FUN and get crazy at times. I want you to think of me as much as I think of you. I love the little things in life, I want to enjoy them with someone else. Someday....someday...
I've had a poem framed in my room since the first guy I thought I 'loved' broke my heart. Not one person has noticed it in 11 years....maybe if they did I wouldn't be here now.


Near You Always ... Jewel
Please don't say I love you, those words touch me much to deeply.

I don't think you realize that power you have over me.

And please don't come so close, it just makes me want to make you near me always.

Please don't kiss me so sweet, it just makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow

And please don't touch me like that, it makes every other seem pale and shallow

And please don't look at me like that, it just makes me want you near me always.

Please don't send me flowers, they only whisper the sweet things you'd say

Don't try and understand me, your hands already know too much anyway.

It just makes me want to make you near me always.

And when you look in my eyes, please know my heart is in your hands.

It's nothing that I understand, but when I'm in your arms, you have complete power over me.

So be gentle if you please, your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth

And it just makes me want to make you near me always,

I want to be near you always.

.....if you get it people, you get it deeply....if you don't, well, you've never really loved someone with your whole heart to have them walk away.

There are rules you know....

Ok, look people...there are rules. Unwritten as they may be, but they're still there damn it!

I think the one that got broken this weekend could be 'Man Law' as a matter of fact.

Here's the rule: If a guy and/or girl calls/texts you after midnight, they're NOT looking for someone to watch movies with. Standard practice I thought...until this weekend.

See, I have an ex, we've always been 'friends' even after breaking it off and seeking new relationships. So when I get the texts starting around 1am through 230am I don't think twice about it. When he convinces me to leave where I am and drive my asre downtown. My thought? I'm getting some...

Now there's always something nice with sleeping with an ex...you don't have the crap that goes along with dating, you know what each other likes, you know there's no commitment in the morning cause that's not what you called for. Believe it or not, even girls look for these things sometimes.

Hey, don't judge, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

What happens when I get downtown to meet him at 3am?

He gives me the girlfriend speech.

WHAT?!?!?! Are you serious? I just left my friends in a bar to drive downtown so you could say 'Hi' cause you missed me? Miss me at 7pm, not 3am damn it, there's rules about late night phone calls. Really, don't you think he'd be pissed if I made him come out by me at 3am to cuddle! I think I may need to get a copy of the 'Man Law' book to him cause he just broke at least 3 rules in that book I'm sure of it.

Now it's Monday and I'm just cranky and aggravated. Remind me the next time he calls ... don't answer!

The theme for 2007?

No Regrets....

Now I've lived my life by this theme, no regrets...but we've all had some now and then haven't we?

Life is such a roller coaster. Sometimes we go for the moment, sometimes we over think every moment we live. This year I'm going to try and make it a point to try NOT to over think so many moments.

This will be rough with my restless mind syndrome and all....but I'm off to a good start. I spent New Years Eve with a couple of co-workers, something I wouldn't normally do considering my 'work' side and my 'out in public' side are 2 DIFFERENT people. I have no shame, those of you who know me know that, but still there are somethings you just don't want in the work place.

And then came the co-workers friend....who made me remember that I don't give a funk! Life is FILLED with 'moments' but it's only the moments you were you get up and get a little crazy are the ones that make a memory. I love those moments. The moments that make people go...what?! or I would never do that! are the moments that keep my life going. Now I know some of you would never in a million years do some of the things I don't think twice about, and that's ok. And I know people read deeper into my moments than what they really are.....and that's ok too. People are going to think what they think of me regardless. I do know the people who have taken the time to get to know me love me because I'm not afraid to have a little craziness in my life.

Life IS worth living people. You just have to remember to live it. So go on get out there, give a stranger a lap dance. Strip down and get in the hot tub naked with friends. Get in your car and drive until your lost and go to a bar there and show them how you get down on the dance floor! Do it, just do it. You'll be surprised how good it feels once your done.