Getting there....

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while. It's been a strange ride the last few months. I've been up .. I've been down ... I've been REALLY down... so here's a clue in.
I left North American, best decision I've ever made. I was being drivin' to the edge of insanity there. I loved my job, the sales team, the responsibility... what I didn't love? The intimidation, the guilt, the hurt that everyday I came in and everyday I was basically told I was worthless. So, I made the decision and I moved on...

Moving on to a job I had for 2 1/2 weeks, what a joke. I was let go for being (and I quote) too smart and talented. I was hurt, but they were right. I was going to be bored and not be able to use my skills to be able to help the company in anyway, nor did they want me to.

Then it all slid downhill quickly .. I got a job, seemed to be an ok job, but I was called back to a second interview for a place I loved when I first walked in. The high energy, the possibility to work for a charity .. the 'opportunity'. Well, I met a great girl, Lindsey .. loved her from the start. She WAS ME!! If that's possible (besides my blonde version Beth) She convinced me to give it a chance and I wouldn't be disappointed. Boy was I!

I called the position I accepted already and went full force into TMP. Long hours doesn't bother me ... working for what I believe in really doesn't bother me, but something did .. something I should have seen right away but didn't. Don't trust a place that has high turnover, it's usually for a reason. I met another great girl ... Nicole, whose slowly becoming someone I can't go a day without talking to. She makes me smile, and then laugh out loud over and over. All was .. well OK. Then, then the paychecks kept getting smaller and smaller. And I started feeling smaller and smaller. I didn't like the way people talked to me like I was a 5th grader. The way people would practically SELL themselves for money. The lies people told each other daily. While yes, there may have been an 'opportunity' it was only for those who had the support of someone else to help them.

Family and friends are great in these situations...pyramid scams...you CAN go far, but only if you can handle not paying your rent for 6 months. I myself didn't quite get it until I got sick. Really sick. Dehydrated...diagnosed with bronchitis, laryngitis, mono, beginning of renal failure if I didn't slow down and get medical attention I could just end up in the hospital, or worse .. die.

I'll never forget that week. Monday, I was coughing up blood, went home and slept for 12 hours. For me, a record. Tuesday I got up and went to work, lost it half way through the morning, crying at the SMALLEST thing. What did I get when I apologized for being a flake and letting them know I really didn't feel well? Told to suck it up, we all work when we're sick. WHAT?! Yes, I've worked when I was sick before, LOTS as a matter of fact. Most of the time it takes an act of God to keep me from getting to work. Usually a migraine or two. And these people were telling me I was basically a loser, worthless, not strong enough. To prove them wrong, I got in the car to start the day, then the dizziness started...then I went and lay on a gross Jewel bathroom floor and threw up blood....

10 minutes after that started, I called Nicole, desperate just to talk to someone who would understand .. I was really sick, and scared...and worst of all miserable. With my life, my job my health ... just plain miserable. As I sat in this bathroom crying to Nicole, searching for a moment of clarity I was disturbed by someone pounding on the door to get in the washroom. I moved my way to the Osco, found myself in hysterics on the phone ... in the liquor department. That's when the clarity hit. Nicole had to say it, but it hit. 'You're standing in the liquor department crying .. is it really worth it?'

That's when I realized it wasn't. It was OK if I wanted to go home because I was ill. It didn't make me a bad person, or have any effect on my work ethic, or make me a quitter. It made me ... HUMAN. It's survival of the fittest out there and really ... if I didn't take care of myself, how COULD I help missing kids? I couldn't. I took my crying self back outside where the girl I was with was giving me a lecture about being gone for 30 minutes, and I succumbed to how I felt instead of fighting it. I felt like I was dying and needed to go home...now.

I didn't drive that day, so I called my roommate, Heather, she couldn't leave for at least 2 hours, and I called Jenkins, voice mail. Finally, after calling the owner...the girl I was with decided to take me home, but not before trying to take me to a Walgreens clinic. After 45 minutes of waiting crying and barely able to keep my eyes open the 'nurse' on duty tells me exactly what I expected .. to go to the hospital. Well, since TMP didn't provide the insurance they told me they would, well that was out of the question. I finally made it home, lay on the couch and stayed there until Heather got home. Urgent care here I come!

Well, needless to say, I'm better now. Decided my life wasn't worth risking by going back to TMP, and realized just how much debt I'd put myself in being there. So, I moved on. Took me a month to find a job I liked and thought would be best for me. It's an up and coming company in the US and growing like a weed. I've spent the last 4 days there now, and so far so good.

I left NA because I was miserable and felt worthless .. and landed myself in a place that made me feel worse. I wish nothing but the best of luck to those who ACTUALLY stayed. I see your opportunity for you, and I hope you reach your 'Step 7' but some of us just can't wade through 100 checks to get there. At nearly 30 I deserve to feel like I'm important, like I matter, like I'm human.

So here I am, happy for the most part. Making my way out of debt, SLOWLY, but I have some great friends and an even better family to smile down on me and make me know I may make mistakes, but I'm a better person for it. They keep me going, so thanks. Thanks to Lindsey for making me know it was ok to be me, thank you to Nicole for my moment of clarity and laughter, thanks to Heather for supporting me in everything in the last few months, rocky as they have been. And especially thanks to my family for making me NOT feel like I failed....because I didn't I prevailed. 2008 should be a breeze after all this.