FINALLY!!!!

FRIDAY 7/29/05

Do you ever feel....out of place?!

You don't seem to "belong"?

Where your not sure why it is you do what you do and why you go where you go?

I've been feeling like that lately. Like I'm in Limbo or something.

I don't feel right coming here to North American, I just feel like an outsider looking in. I know I concentrate on school a lot. But I just feel ... weird when I come here. Like everyone is developing happy relationships around me. (work related relationships of course) I'm sure it's just my imagination and I'm being too sensitive, but it feels like it.Then there's school. My gal pals that I work with are soon to be taking a header to graduation and leaving me behind for the next 3 months alone. Well not alone, but with the goof troop. Fine if they want to waste their money, so be it, but I can't afford to play around with 10 grand. Nakki (my teach) assigned partners today, and mine....completely ignored being assigned and decided to work with someone else. Which for me is fine since she's ghetto-superstar anyway, funny one day she started talking to another gal in class about me...in Spanish, now I'm not fluent...but I got the gist.

I am aware people do dislike Gemma and I cause we take the class very seriously. I'm aware that I'm not going to get along with everyone I meet in life. I'm FULLY aware of my age/maturity level is VERY different from those in my class. I'm also well aware I snapped on them once for being rude, loud, and inconsiderate to a sub teacher. I'm fine with that....I still can work well with others even if I don't respect them as people. I do it EVERYDAY at my job (day and night). Even though I feel as though I'm a little above most of them, and I know that sounds superficial, but really I'm not trying to....I still feel strange to go to class everyday. Can I deal with it ... of course it's only 3 more months then I'll never see these women again, but still.....

Then of course there's Bennigans. Now I know I don't spend as much time as everyone else does there. I haven't in years; I just seem to have a strange vibe whenever I do go there. Like something's just not quite right. Maybe it's cause I'm outgrowing the place, I have been there for 3 years. Maybe it's cause the laziness that runs through the place that drives me insane (cough...Holly...cough). Or maybe I'm just bitter cause I thought by now I could more on from this 2 jobs working thing. Either way I just don't feel like part of the family anymore.

And speaking of families, where the heck did mine go? Now my brother Ed has never been much of chatter, but he used to AT LEAST call me on occasion to bug me. This past weekend I asked if I could come visit the kids and him.... Too busy was my answer to that question. My parents, their ok....glad I'm out of the house again that's for sure. My pops recently got a new job (after being out of work for 3 months). He's working for Pepsi Co. and loves it. But I feel like I used to talk to them so much more. I went home this weekend and you would've thought I was a stranger with how they were acting. They love me, I know that, and I love them very much too....just goes along with feeling strange as of late.

So on to other news (is this post long or what) ....Kivi got fired ... he was trying to be nice and cover someone else's arse and he forgot the #1 rule of work. CYA not anyone else's. He's doing well, but I miss him for the humor break in my stressful day. He's been kinda MIA lately as well. I know for the most part it's because I'm in school and go to bed early and wake up even earlier, but I don't see much of anyone (not just Kivi) on the weekends either. I suppose it forces me to do my school work out of pure boredom....but I do miss being social and I think that\'s a big reason why I feel so stressed. And again, I blame me for that. I choose this I gotta live with it.

I had my best day of the summer so far. Marty (my saleman/boss) told my boss we were going to visit clients for the day...and instead, he took me to the Sox game where I got to see my friend Stefanie sing the National Anthem! It was a GREAT day of playing hookie! Drinks, food, a rain delay! So much fun! But... Shhh....don't tell ...

My sister is due in August with a baby boy (Logan). I\'m very happy for her. Her and Mike are going to make great parents! I suppose the only question is can you fit a car seat on a Harley? HMMMM.....

Just an FYI in case you were wondering since January I have lost a total of 27 pounds! Was 198 now I\'m 171, and still dropping. I can FINALLY see my nice curves again. Just some belly pooch to go! YAY ME!

Well, I best be off, I'm done bitchin' about my headache I call life. 3 ½ months from now I'll look back and wonder why I felt so stressed I'm sure of it. My life is just doing some REALLY fast life changes ... happens when you're a big girl .... And my body is just emotionally adjusting to the change. Now if I could just find me a nice, strong, preferably financially stable man to throw me around a bit I think I life would be good.

OH! And just a side note to a friend (you know who you are): Thank you very much for making that phone call....although she won't tell me what you 2 talked about, she was very happy she got to speak with you, and so was I. You haven't seemed to happy as of late, could be that your sick, or stressed, or a little of both... either way, I worry, so does she. I hope after talking to her you know you do have someone to talk to here, about anything or nothing. She's a great lady, and she loves you very much, like her own son. Your family may be far away but you did become a part of another, like it or not.

Have a good week people maybe next week I'll be in a better mood. Everyday creeps further toward my goal! Cross you fingers I don't SNAP before then.

Monday 8/1/05

Oh wow....what a difference a weekend can make.As usual I tried to cram 12 things into one weekend. FUN! Work, homework, housework and a wedding.

I worked Friday night, then came home and did a little homework. Slept and up again at 9am to go back to work, but I got off early to go to Heather's mom's wedding. Nothing glamorous. Back yard party.

Kivi came with me and we spent most of the evening in the backyard drinking champagne ....or maybe that was just me...

I did get to meet the infamous Steve and David. Two guys I could see myself hanging out with again. SO much fun! I mean REALLY there's nothing like a gay man that smells my boobs and then calls my perfume! Little creepy, but it was funny as hell.

I did get to see Chris and Matt again. Matt kept us in stitches as usual, well mostly Kivi, Chris and Heather. I was busy reading Dr. Seuss with a 6 year old. I got to meet the one and only Madison (Chris's daughter)...once the other kids left she found herself new friends...namely Steve/David/and myself. She is a feisty spitfire of a little girl. Reminds me of me ... scary I know. Only difference is she could be a runway model at the ripe age of 6, so she's MUCH better at getting what she wants then I am....

Speaking of getting what I want, yep, saw Chris again, and yep, I still have a big ol' crush on him. He wasn't helping the issue much with the flirting back and encouraging me. As Kivi and Heather said you could pretty much cut the sexual tension with a knife. BUT, it just goes to show you the story of my love life. I ALWAYS want something I can't have. Just look at my past few relationships ... Eric, the guy in medical school working nights NO TIME for me or anything else for that matter, then Mike (aka Kvas) now that was one I would've loved to keep around he was amazing mentally and phyically stimulating, BUT he was also a pro-stock motorcycle racer which kept him out of town 8 months out of the year ... not to mention I don't exactly compete with track girls from all over the nation. Would've been nice to keep him in my bed, but he was bouncing around a lot, no such luck. Then the last one (I promised remember) and if you read back a few months you'll see he was married and I should've known better from the start.

All three FABULOUS men. All three I still talk too on occasion. All three were men I couldn't have to myself. As much as I would like to, all three belong to something or someone else before I came along, and I wasn't going to be able to change that.

Which brings me to my problem at hand. Chris. He's happily building a beautiful home with another women, and I can't get him out of my head. It's called setting yourself up for failure, or at least that's what I call it. I figure the more I can say I'm setting myself up the more if won't feel like a let down (not like there's anything to let down, he belongs to someone else...plain and simple.) But MAN can that man can get me giggling like a frickin' schoolgirl. Pathetic huh?

I tell you what though....even if I can't have him, he still makes me smile. And when I say smile I mean that kind you do without even realizing it when he walks in a room. He makes me laugh, and regardless of our endless flirting I think this guy and I will be friends at the very least, for quite some time. Hey...if you can't win with the having the guy to cuddle with at night, you can settle for having him make you laugh at the moment you need it most.

Well, moral of the story is...Friday, I felt like crap and pretty down. By Monday I have a big smile on my face. It's nice to feel attractive again. It's almost like having a truly amazing sexual experience. I may not have gotten THAT far, but I have a smile back on my face as if I did.And this time, I got his number (and he got mine) ...What can I say, I don't stand a chance, but I can be the queen of wishful thinking! (Or dirty fantasies... same thing right?)