Sometimes.....

My Mom said something the other day that made me think.

For those of you who know me you know my Mom doesn't have a lot of 'social skills' so to speak freely to a lot of people. So she spends a lot of time speaking her mind to me. I don't mind. I prefer it. My feelings on the whole thing is at least she has someone to talk to. I'm glad she feels close enough to me to say the things she says.

Only problem is.....sometimes it hits hard. I've learned how to talk with my Mom to make her feel better. I'm her daughter....that's what you do. But sometimes, it scares me. Scary because I see me in her and her in me. Please don't get me wrong, my mother is a wonderful woman. Yes, we had our rough times. But she has never done anything but love and care for us kids in her lifetime. Granted.....it was rough, though a lot of her life, my life and that of my brother. I can tell you though, if you truly look in her eyes, you can see the love, and the love she truly craves.

The other day while we were talking she says to me.....'Sometimes I wonder why I was ever put on this earth.' My response....to have a beautiful daughter to make your life worth while :) Both of my parents have made mistakes. LOTS of mistakes. Honestly who hasn't. We all have issues. Some of them big, some small. Regardless, we've all made them. That's what makes us.....us.

If you looked into my parents eyes, I mean REALLY look.....you would see what I see. The deep down love they have. The satisfaction that all, and I do mean ALL of their children are grown and as 'happy' as they are in their lives. My Pops isn't the best at expressing his emotions, but I KNOW my Dad. I see the pain in his eyes because he lost his children. I see the love he has for all of us, even if he can't put it into words. I see my Mom trying to keep it all together when she still searches for a way to have a relationship with her son.

I couldn't help but think after my Mom said what she said......what is my reason for being here? I'm 28...obviously not having kid anytime soon....not in a job where I'm not replaceable....I haven't even done anything you could stand up and say....'That's my girl'. Why am I here? Shouldn't have I have found a reason and way to 'make my mark' by now.

I know, I know....I'm "young". But this isn't what I imagined. I did at one point want the wedding, the kids, the picket fence as they say. When did I give up on that "dream". Anyone who knows me knows I've moved past those years. Everyone I grew up with is 'getting married' or in that long term relationship. I've never been able to make it last more than a year and a half. Most people.....besides family, get pretty sick of my 'independence' and 'sarcasm' within a few months. So, what am I supposed to be doing with my life? What direction am I supposed to be moving in?

Don't answer that. I know the answer....no one knows what they're here for....you just have to live life one day at a time and hope that one day, it clicks. Or even better....it'll happen when you stop looking for it.

Done....finished....stopped looking for it YEARS ago. I know wife and kids is NOT what I'm destined for I've accepted that....I just want a clue....a direction I should be moving in....a hope that one day I just won't feel like a speck on this world and feel like I've made a difference in someone....anyones live. Mer did it for my brother. My brother did it for Melissa, my parents for me. My Mom for my Dad and vica vera.....when do I get that? It's not a lot to ask.

I guess I'll just sit here and wait for that moment. Maybe it'll take someone like me pointing it out to my Mom to realize why I'm here.

....maybe I should just take better notes :)