I've had it!!!!!!

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to cry everyday. I want to be able to sleep at night without crying myself to sleep at three am. I want to eat a meal without either throwing up (which is happening a lot lately) or feeling like I'm going to afterward. I want to not want him any more. I want the desire to grab him and kiss him to go away. I want to be able to say I don't care about what he does. I want to not mention his name everyday out of either habit or emotional turmoil. I want to really believe he's a jerk that everyone says he is. I want to believe I really do have something to offer someone else. I want to not feel this pathetic!

I psych myself everyday to come to work....and be strong and ok and not let people know I'm dying inside. Instead I find myself breaking down ... every damn time. I never realized someone could have this big of an effect on me. I haven't cried this much since my grandfather passed away, and no one here died! (well besides the relationship anyway) I don't want to feel like this any more!

I gave him his stuff back today. Things I've been holding onto in hopes that he would actually come over an pick them up...so we could talk and I could just touch him one last time. He gave the most incredible hugs. But he thought it best that I bring them here. I can't even believe I don't know where he lives anymore......

I wrote him a letter....Probably not too smart on my part, but I had to get it all out. And I did, and then I said goodbye and wished him the best with the new girl. Although it kills me to think of not only the two of them in each others arms, but the thought of him saying the things to her he used to say to me. Or the plans we used to make, now he's making those with her. This is why I say goodbye to him right now. I'm raging with jealously! I can't even explain how much I want him back. How much I love him and I can't make him see that. Too little too late as he says. I couldn't do it then ... now it's too late.

I blame me. I blame myself for feeling this way. I just want it to stop now, and that I definitely don't know how to do that. I know I'm sick of feeling like I've been kicked in the face. I need to be held.... well Happy Birthday to me.....The guy I love is fucking someone new.....