AS PROMISED!!!

My conversation at the end of yesterday with David, TFK, Heather and I.

START FROM THE BOTTOM!!!!!!!!

----Original Message----
From: GTG Pick Pak

Ho-a beer, I need a beer, forTAY, ounces of the stuuuuufff, Me-not drunk, I know I'm straight,Fa, so fa much more to drink, SO-I can't stand on my own, HA-My jokes are so funny-G-you are my homie, and I need, a, noth, er beer

-----Original Message-----
From: Schumacher, Heather

And you know she was using..... NOBODY is that happy all the fricken time!

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn

Those weren't the VonTrap Kids....those were straight up THUGS!

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack

cause Maria was a straight up gangsta-biotch

-----Original Message-----
From: Schumacher, Heather

I'm only wearing the pink helmet because I stole it off Dawn's head
I like making her cry by taunting her with her own pink helmet
window licker

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack

because the mother fuckin hills are alive

-----Original Message-----
From: Szyszka, David

question kivi, why is The Sound of Music your favorite movie?

So much stuff...so little time!

Who the heck decided the day could only be 24 hours! It's just not enough time to cram my life into it.

So far this week I've had something to do every night that I leave work. I'm damn tired.

Not like I'm about to make it better for myself by going back to school. But, I'm making a plan for the future. A REAL one. Unlike my fake plans for the future I made myself believe were going to happen for the last year. This one involves me and only me so no one can suddenly come in and take them away from me but me. (is that enough me's?) Can't complain about your life if your not going to get off your fat ass and do something about it.

Tonight I go to financial aid and write away my life. (well technically schools only 10 grand so not my whole life.) I should start school at the the beginning of May. I'm excited to start a new begining, bummed that my summer is pretty much going to suck! I just have to keep in mind this will bring me one step closer to marrying a doctor :)

After financial aid....I must grocery shop. No if's and's or but's about it. I HAVE to. My cupboards are bare as bare can be, not to mention I have stuff planned for Sunday so I won't be able to do it then either. Like I said...so many things so little time. Regardless of it all I have two things to look forward to. One...a good time this Sunday at the Wolves game with Heather and Kivi, and two next weekend off for the Cubbies home opener!

I may or may not get to go, due to the money situation....but I'll still take the weekend of rest for my Cubbies and at least watch it from my apartment with the windows open for the real life effect of being outside freezing with my team.

Lookie....Lookie!

Guess what I did.....

I changed up the blogie blog a bit. Added a hit counter, since I'm discovering more than just Kivi reads this thing....it's pretty. I like it ;)

I figure if I'm not going to major in design...I might as well get it out of my system somewhere.

I FRICKIN ROCK!!!

Ok, so I thought I did well on this evaluation test yesterday when I was told I only missed 5 out of like 200 (give or take) questions which in they're grading scale was a 91. But then I was called by my admissions counselor today to let me know I got one of the top scores EVER! You see the grade isn't out of 100 (since they cross out a bunch of questions on the test). It's out of a possible highest of 95.

So I rock the hizzy ladies and gentlemen. To think I was actually kinda nervous considering the fact I haven't been in school in almost 10 years. There was to be no use of calculators and I haven't figured percentages or done division with decimals without a ten key since I was in Jr. High.

Who's smart? I'm DAMN smart! :)

First of all lets talk about my birthday......

I took the day off...YEAH ME!....But I'm paying for it in the pocket book right now. Needless to say I think I deserve a day off once in a while so I took it. I spent the day shopping for a few do dads for myself. BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DID NOT BUY ANY SHOES!!

I did go over by the shoes....I did TRY ON shoes....I did not buy any. For anyone who knows me should know that's a pretty big feat for me to get through.

Anyway, I went home relaxed a bit and then prettied myself up for my birthday dinner. Tony came down from Chi-town and took me to Tuscany for dinner for my birthday. During our after dinner drink in the bar we started to watch the Illini game and before the first half was a quarter over we decided we should probably go back to my place to watch the rest considering Tony was rooting for Arizona. Good plan....

Within minutes of us getting back to my place Kivi Steve and Phil came over. Fat Kid brought the 'Grandma's Bar' shot glass for my collection...because he's a whore, but he did buy me a Blue Moon sign for my bar, so I can't complain too much. For a while it looked like just the five of us were going to be chillin' but by 8:30 Holly came and when the game was over Dan, D'Avis, and CarlMike (Kike or Marl) trickled in. Martinis were made, shots were poured, drinks were mixed....and drunkenness occurred (well, at least it did with me). Knowing I had to get up in the morning to meet the family for brunch was no match for how quickly I seemed to be drinking the Raspberry Stoli! Everything went well....until I called Holly a ditzy and she left in a tissy.

Party was over by 1ish....Dan and I went to bed, he laughed at me all morning when I had to get up and go to Wisconsin for brunch.

Brunch wasn't bad...actually the food was good. Would've been better had I not been hung over. But those are the breaks when your birthday falls the day before a holiday. I ended up snatching the bill...I don't make a lot of money, but I sponge off my family ALL the time so I wanted to pay. My brother had a pitch fit, but screw him. I left Wisconsin earlier than I usually would, due in part that my apartment was a disaster! So cleaning needed to be done.

Now the apartment in back in a somewhat of an order, and now I'm figuring out how to get my life that way. I did go visit and apply for college last night. Another good reason why it's a good thing Dayne and I broke up. He would have NEVER supported this. 4 days a week 6 to 11pm...then work Friday and Saturday nights....for 8 months, yeah right. It wouldn't have happened. But since I'm not in a relationship, and I have no one to please but me....I'm going for it. Admissions wanted me to start next week, but with commitments I've already made...I don't think that'll be possible. So May it is.

I think I'll look cute in scrubs :)

Damn that's a long post......thanks for the birthday wishes by the way to everyone that was kind enough to wish them....nice of you to think of me. For those of you who didn't, I'm sure it just slipped you mind, either that or you were just being jerks.....

So another year has come and gone.....and I'm another year older.

Do I sound thrilled....cause really I'm not. Not like 27 is some big mile stone birthday or anything, but I just keep thinking how much closer to 30 I'm actually getting. Thanks Fattie for reminding me EVERYDAY!

So far in my 27 years, I really haven't accomplished anything, besides a series of broken relationships and a string of dead end jobs. And that's sad. I'm looking to turn over a new leaf. I want to get out of this job....one because my job isn't very satisfying and two because it harbors a lot of memories I'd rather not fester into on a DAILY basis. But I don't want to move on to ANOTHER job I'm just going to end up hating as much...but just without the personal drama. So what to do?! Well I decided to look into a few vocational schools to see about getting a real career. Actually I'm going to talk to one tonight.

You see...I actually want to DO something with my life. I want to be happy with myself, I want a job that feels rewarding. And frankly sitting on my ass and saying I want to do something about it isn't getting me anywhere. Granted I have a feeling I'm going to put myself in some MORE debt, but hell...in the long run it'll be worth it right? Cross your fingers I don't chicken out on this one like I do with EVERYTHING else in my life.

Quite frankly I'm just sick of working two jobs and getting NOWHERE!

Guess who's still sick....

ME!


I'm feeling better due to the tons of oj and cold meds, but not 100% that's for sure. I stayed home yesterday due to the fact I had NO voice and would've been no good here yesterday anyway, and I'm trying to rest up for the weekend.

I did have a date yesterday....Obviously I was sick and that went right out the window. He ended up going to watch the Illini game with his boss. He felt bad that I wasn't feeling well and stopped by after the game was over.

I was already lying down for the night, so he curled up next to me and dealt with my forensic files shows that I watch till we both feel asleep for the night. He's a lucky guy he didn't have to work today, so he sat around with me this morning as I got ready for work, complaining the whole time I didn't want to go cause I felt crappy.

In case your mind is in the gutter....there was no hanky panky. I felt crappy, can't feel crappy and sexy at the same time. It was nice....and made me not want to come to work today. I've missed waking up next to someone.

Well the B day is tomorrow. Things are lookin' up....so.... Let the fun begin....

I'm sick.

This time not even emotional sick like I have been, but REALLY sick. My chest is heavy, my eyelids are hot, my body aches. I think I may have the flu. Damn you Cathy for bringing your germs to work with you.

The one thing I hate about being sick....I can't make up my damn mind worth crap. One moment I want to be alone with my sickness and for the whole world to go away. The next I want to be held and someone to make soup for me.

Granted I'm an indecisive person anyway, ask anyone. I can't make up my mind in a movie store! But when I'm sick....it's about a bazillion times worse. I'm a cranky beeacth. I NEED to be better because I'm haveing people over on Saturday and I have brunch on Sunday! I need to be better by tomorrow because I have a kinda of/sort of date....Damn you flu for choosing the worst time ever!

If I feel bad tomorrow...I'm calling off. Screw you cold I'm gonna kick your ASS!

Ahh....it looks as though a certain someone is still reading this blog.

And in answer to the question why don't I just let go and move on....well, it hasn't been as easy for me as it has been for him. Especially when I get the I told you so's when I'm not even asking advice.

I am moving on with my life, just not as quickly or convenient as he would like. I held out hope for us and now, I'm in an anger phase, a phase where I would LOVE to get some revenge and make him feel like I feel. And trust me I COULD, but I'm bigger than that and I won't.

I am at a point where I feel strange even trying to start something with another man when I'm still in love with someone else. I am trying, I have had offers....Numerous in fact. And one day I will take up one of those offers, for right now. I vent....I vent because I care and I hurt, not because I can't move on. And what better place to do that than your blog.

I am giving him all the space he desires, I don't talk, don't call, don't email him. Even though I'd like to. I have told a total of 5 people about what he's done, and they have told no one. I could shout it out loud and let everyone know, but I don't. I've even defended him when people tell me he's an asshole, because I know that's not true. I never say anything bad about his new girlfriend (well unless in the privacy of my own home....without people from work and that's just my anger talking not my actual opinion). I'm trying to be adult about the whole ordeal when in reality I could be a spiteful little bitch about it and make his and her life a living hell....but like I said I'm bigger than that. If he doesn't like the fact I can't change my feelings overnight.....than I'm sorry, but TOUGH!!

I know one day I'll be able to be his friend, just right now I have to get through this phase. I am moving on I'll tell you that, just one day at a time. Everyday I realize another reason I'm kinda glad were not a couple anymore ... like the insane amount of jealously he has with the person he's with. It's just a slower process for me. I was, after all, the dumpee not the dumper.

Dayne will not be the last man I'll ever have the pleasure to love. He was just the first I loved as much as I did.

Wait for it.....

Wait for it........


Then it happens. You know it's coming. Eventually it's going to happen, then it does. I suppose it's a relief in someway, now I don't have to wait anymore, but I still hate it when it does happen.

Wondering what I'm talking about? Well, I finally got the 'I told you so' phone call from my mother. Somehow/someway every mother seems to think they are the expert on relationships and needs to give you every piece of advice that may pop into her head. My mother is the same way.

Started out nice enough. Her inviting me me Easter brunch, this year were going out instead of cooking at home. Then she just came out with it. The 'I told you not to loose yourself in that relationship'... 'I told you not to depend on him as much as you did' ... and 'I knew there was someone else' and my personal favorite....'I told you he'd loose interest if you didn't do something about it.' "It" being my weight ladies and gentlemen.

Now I LOVE my mother. But my mom has a way of just picking at me to the point I want to punch her. I was actually starting to feel better. I went an entire 36 hours without crying my eyes out or talking about him...then she starts in on me. Finally I just lost it (mind you I'm at work so I can't really LOOSE it) I told her as far as I was concerned at this moment Dayne was a selfish bastard who didn't care about anyone else but himself and getting his dick wet. I'm upset because I've never had to experience the cruel side of Dayne until now. And if she didn't mind .. I was sick of hearing the I told you so's, and if she didn't have anything else to talk to me about, our conversation was done. Mom's are great aren't they.

She's also upset I won't come spent the night on Saturday before brunch. Um....Mom, in case you didn't know this....IT'S MY BIRTHDAY that night. I'm not spending Saturday night, let alone my birthday on your couch in the middle of no where Wisconsin. THANKS, but I'm down enough that would be a kick in the teeth.

On a lighter note though, I did end up going out with Stan on Saturday for Sandy and Structure's birthday. I wasn't going to go, because of this funk I've been in....but then I figured HELL I'm damn cute I'm only 27 and I'm going to go out and shake my groove thing for the first time in forever. And that's exactly what I did. Strolling into the house at 6am when the suns coming up isn't something I've done for ages.

I had a great time. Put several notches back in my self esteem with the compliments I received...and even was flirted with by a few cute men. Yeah I might have a few extra pound I'm carrying around mom....but it didn't seem to stop people from looking in my direction :)

I'm out.

So, in case you were wondering the only good thing that has come out of my life in the last 3 months....I've lost close to 15 pounds. 7 of it I've lost since Saturday since everytime I eat .. I throw up. I'm taking baby steps with the eating now that my tummy is getting better, some fruit, some toast...dry popcorn. But honestly everything just tastes horrible.

I have been running though. I when I say running....I do mean RUNNING. Usually I say that and I've just been walking quickly. Now, I'm running. I have to find a way to get rid of this aggregation. I have to find away to get my mind off the two of them.

I'm still fighting the urge to call him. But I haven't (except for one work related issue). I still want to know how he's doing, and what he's doing, or if he needs anything. I want to hear his voice....and one of those stupid comments he makes to make me laugh and smile. But he's got someone else for all those things now, and I'm trying hard to accept that. I still can't help to think this all happened because I wasn't good enough. I still want him, but we can't have everything we want can we? You know, I wonder if he still reads this thing......

Well, the b-day is a week from tomorrow. Obviously I'm not too thrilled with the idea. Hopefully I'll surround myself with friends and I'll feel better. But, at least this year I already know the bad thing that's going to happen....cause it already has. This year I thought I was actually going to get away with it. I was going to have a birthday without a disaster.....WRONG!

Maybe Heather's right I do need a summer fling.....any prospects? Little help, please?

I have an idea....when your depressed about something...DON'T READ OLD ENTRIES IN YOUR BLOG!

Like June 29th 2004...........

I have a question. Question is...why is it I know I need to say goodbye to Dayne for now anyway so we can both start new....but I REALLY want to call and talk to him and see how he's doing?

Is that normal? Can you possibly be mad at someone and at the same time CRAVE to hear their voice? It it possible the someone could frustrate and hurt you so much, but the sound of their voice soothes you in some way?

Is this becoming an obsession? Why can I not go one day without saying his name? Why do I hurt more now than when we actually broke up? This is all too much......

I did finally fall asleep last night. Thanks to Matt....he came over and held me, let me know I wasn't alone and just laid there stroking my hair until I finally fell asleep. (and for people who keep asking...no there's nothing sexual going on...I make it a point not to flirt with taken men!) It was comforting....and for once I closed my eyes without thinking of ... well let's just not mention that. Granted I only got about 4 hours sleep, but it was more than I've had in days! Now I just have to let my tummy calm down enough that I don't throw up when I eat....I'm getting there....one step at a time.

This healing process sucks!

On a completely unrelated note. I did get my MRI results back. Their are some MINOR irregularities, things they are going to want to watch out for because they may cause future problems. But my brain is there....and functional. They are saying I'm probably experiencing migranes due to extreme stress. Best part!? There's NOTHING I can do about it expect find a stress reliever. Well...thanks doc. I used to have sex for that....someone wanna help me out with this?!

I've had it!!!!!!

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to cry everyday. I want to be able to sleep at night without crying myself to sleep at three am. I want to eat a meal without either throwing up (which is happening a lot lately) or feeling like I'm going to afterward. I want to not want him any more. I want the desire to grab him and kiss him to go away. I want to be able to say I don't care about what he does. I want to not mention his name everyday out of either habit or emotional turmoil. I want to really believe he's a jerk that everyone says he is. I want to believe I really do have something to offer someone else. I want to not feel this pathetic!

I psych myself everyday to come to work....and be strong and ok and not let people know I'm dying inside. Instead I find myself breaking down ... every damn time. I never realized someone could have this big of an effect on me. I haven't cried this much since my grandfather passed away, and no one here died! (well besides the relationship anyway) I don't want to feel like this any more!

I gave him his stuff back today. Things I've been holding onto in hopes that he would actually come over an pick them up...so we could talk and I could just touch him one last time. He gave the most incredible hugs. But he thought it best that I bring them here. I can't even believe I don't know where he lives anymore......

I wrote him a letter....Probably not too smart on my part, but I had to get it all out. And I did, and then I said goodbye and wished him the best with the new girl. Although it kills me to think of not only the two of them in each others arms, but the thought of him saying the things to her he used to say to me. Or the plans we used to make, now he's making those with her. This is why I say goodbye to him right now. I'm raging with jealously! I can't even explain how much I want him back. How much I love him and I can't make him see that. Too little too late as he says. I couldn't do it then ... now it's too late.

I blame me. I blame myself for feeling this way. I just want it to stop now, and that I definitely don't know how to do that. I know I'm sick of feeling like I've been kicked in the face. I need to be held.... well Happy Birthday to me.....The guy I love is fucking someone new.....

So....looks like I have a lot to tell.

I did move into the new place. It's cool cause it's mine....but it's weird since I've never lived by myself before. I find myself inviting people over ALL the time. Which for the most part is a good and bad thing. Good because I don't feel so alone all the time, bad because when I kick everyone out and go to bed....I suddenly feel VERY alone. I don't know why that is.

The move went well, we were done by 12:30, record timing considering we had to get those couches up three flights of stairs! Everything was unpacked by the end of the next day. So I suppose I'm settled....but not settled.

I'm still in the process of moving on. As one persons says....I'm being pathetic. Maybe it's the newness of being alone....maybe it's that he's decided to date someone new (and gorgeous I mind you)...maybe it's because I'm PMSing but I've been missing him move in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 months. Granted I just found out about the new girlfriend, but it didn't help.

I'm not sure and haven't come to terms if I miss him or being with someone. I just know that right now, I've had offers, but it just doesn't FEEL right yet. It doesn't feel like I'm cheating anymore. But more like uncomfortable. Like I don't fit. With him....I fit.

My life is starting new now, and I'm surrounded by friends which is more than cool. And eventually I will move on....Hopefully that will be sooner than later. Anyone know any cute available men? But for the mean time, I'm just be a sap :) I just hope he does know he has a friend in me. And he will always have a huge place in my heart (not to mention a chuck of it in his hand.) And I hope he realizes that I will be here for him. I just wish I made him realize that months ago......congrats to him and her though. I hope she knows what a wonderful man she has and if I had the chance, I'd take him back in a heart beat :)

I guess the saying is true....if you love something you have to set it free.......