Ahh....it looks as though a certain someone is still reading this blog.

And in answer to the question why don't I just let go and move on....well, it hasn't been as easy for me as it has been for him. Especially when I get the I told you so's when I'm not even asking advice.

I am moving on with my life, just not as quickly or convenient as he would like. I held out hope for us and now, I'm in an anger phase, a phase where I would LOVE to get some revenge and make him feel like I feel. And trust me I COULD, but I'm bigger than that and I won't.

I am at a point where I feel strange even trying to start something with another man when I'm still in love with someone else. I am trying, I have had offers....Numerous in fact. And one day I will take up one of those offers, for right now. I vent....I vent because I care and I hurt, not because I can't move on. And what better place to do that than your blog.

I am giving him all the space he desires, I don't talk, don't call, don't email him. Even though I'd like to. I have told a total of 5 people about what he's done, and they have told no one. I could shout it out loud and let everyone know, but I don't. I've even defended him when people tell me he's an asshole, because I know that's not true. I never say anything bad about his new girlfriend (well unless in the privacy of my own home....without people from work and that's just my anger talking not my actual opinion). I'm trying to be adult about the whole ordeal when in reality I could be a spiteful little bitch about it and make his and her life a living hell....but like I said I'm bigger than that. If he doesn't like the fact I can't change my feelings overnight.....than I'm sorry, but TOUGH!!

I know one day I'll be able to be his friend, just right now I have to get through this phase. I am moving on I'll tell you that, just one day at a time. Everyday I realize another reason I'm kinda glad were not a couple anymore ... like the insane amount of jealously he has with the person he's with. It's just a slower process for me. I was, after all, the dumpee not the dumper.

Dayne will not be the last man I'll ever have the pleasure to love. He was just the first I loved as much as I did.

Wait for it.....

Wait for it........


Then it happens. You know it's coming. Eventually it's going to happen, then it does. I suppose it's a relief in someway, now I don't have to wait anymore, but I still hate it when it does happen.

Wondering what I'm talking about? Well, I finally got the 'I told you so' phone call from my mother. Somehow/someway every mother seems to think they are the expert on relationships and needs to give you every piece of advice that may pop into her head. My mother is the same way.

Started out nice enough. Her inviting me me Easter brunch, this year were going out instead of cooking at home. Then she just came out with it. The 'I told you not to loose yourself in that relationship'... 'I told you not to depend on him as much as you did' ... and 'I knew there was someone else' and my personal favorite....'I told you he'd loose interest if you didn't do something about it.' "It" being my weight ladies and gentlemen.

Now I LOVE my mother. But my mom has a way of just picking at me to the point I want to punch her. I was actually starting to feel better. I went an entire 36 hours without crying my eyes out or talking about him...then she starts in on me. Finally I just lost it (mind you I'm at work so I can't really LOOSE it) I told her as far as I was concerned at this moment Dayne was a selfish bastard who didn't care about anyone else but himself and getting his dick wet. I'm upset because I've never had to experience the cruel side of Dayne until now. And if she didn't mind .. I was sick of hearing the I told you so's, and if she didn't have anything else to talk to me about, our conversation was done. Mom's are great aren't they.

She's also upset I won't come spent the night on Saturday before brunch. Um....Mom, in case you didn't know this....IT'S MY BIRTHDAY that night. I'm not spending Saturday night, let alone my birthday on your couch in the middle of no where Wisconsin. THANKS, but I'm down enough that would be a kick in the teeth.

On a lighter note though, I did end up going out with Stan on Saturday for Sandy and Structure's birthday. I wasn't going to go, because of this funk I've been in....but then I figured HELL I'm damn cute I'm only 27 and I'm going to go out and shake my groove thing for the first time in forever. And that's exactly what I did. Strolling into the house at 6am when the suns coming up isn't something I've done for ages.

I had a great time. Put several notches back in my self esteem with the compliments I received...and even was flirted with by a few cute men. Yeah I might have a few extra pound I'm carrying around mom....but it didn't seem to stop people from looking in my direction :)

I'm out.

So, in case you were wondering the only good thing that has come out of my life in the last 3 months....I've lost close to 15 pounds. 7 of it I've lost since Saturday since everytime I eat .. I throw up. I'm taking baby steps with the eating now that my tummy is getting better, some fruit, some toast...dry popcorn. But honestly everything just tastes horrible.

I have been running though. I when I say running....I do mean RUNNING. Usually I say that and I've just been walking quickly. Now, I'm running. I have to find a way to get rid of this aggregation. I have to find away to get my mind off the two of them.

I'm still fighting the urge to call him. But I haven't (except for one work related issue). I still want to know how he's doing, and what he's doing, or if he needs anything. I want to hear his voice....and one of those stupid comments he makes to make me laugh and smile. But he's got someone else for all those things now, and I'm trying hard to accept that. I still can't help to think this all happened because I wasn't good enough. I still want him, but we can't have everything we want can we? You know, I wonder if he still reads this thing......

Well, the b-day is a week from tomorrow. Obviously I'm not too thrilled with the idea. Hopefully I'll surround myself with friends and I'll feel better. But, at least this year I already know the bad thing that's going to happen....cause it already has. This year I thought I was actually going to get away with it. I was going to have a birthday without a disaster.....WRONG!

Maybe Heather's right I do need a summer fling.....any prospects? Little help, please?

I have an idea....when your depressed about something...DON'T READ OLD ENTRIES IN YOUR BLOG!

Like June 29th 2004...........

I have a question. Question is...why is it I know I need to say goodbye to Dayne for now anyway so we can both start new....but I REALLY want to call and talk to him and see how he's doing?

Is that normal? Can you possibly be mad at someone and at the same time CRAVE to hear their voice? It it possible the someone could frustrate and hurt you so much, but the sound of their voice soothes you in some way?

Is this becoming an obsession? Why can I not go one day without saying his name? Why do I hurt more now than when we actually broke up? This is all too much......

I did finally fall asleep last night. Thanks to Matt....he came over and held me, let me know I wasn't alone and just laid there stroking my hair until I finally fell asleep. (and for people who keep asking...no there's nothing sexual going on...I make it a point not to flirt with taken men!) It was comforting....and for once I closed my eyes without thinking of ... well let's just not mention that. Granted I only got about 4 hours sleep, but it was more than I've had in days! Now I just have to let my tummy calm down enough that I don't throw up when I eat....I'm getting there....one step at a time.

This healing process sucks!

On a completely unrelated note. I did get my MRI results back. Their are some MINOR irregularities, things they are going to want to watch out for because they may cause future problems. But my brain is there....and functional. They are saying I'm probably experiencing migranes due to extreme stress. Best part!? There's NOTHING I can do about it expect find a stress reliever. Well...thanks doc. I used to have sex for that....someone wanna help me out with this?!

I've had it!!!!!!

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to cry everyday. I want to be able to sleep at night without crying myself to sleep at three am. I want to eat a meal without either throwing up (which is happening a lot lately) or feeling like I'm going to afterward. I want to not want him any more. I want the desire to grab him and kiss him to go away. I want to be able to say I don't care about what he does. I want to not mention his name everyday out of either habit or emotional turmoil. I want to really believe he's a jerk that everyone says he is. I want to believe I really do have something to offer someone else. I want to not feel this pathetic!

I psych myself everyday to come to work....and be strong and ok and not let people know I'm dying inside. Instead I find myself breaking down ... every damn time. I never realized someone could have this big of an effect on me. I haven't cried this much since my grandfather passed away, and no one here died! (well besides the relationship anyway) I don't want to feel like this any more!

I gave him his stuff back today. Things I've been holding onto in hopes that he would actually come over an pick them up...so we could talk and I could just touch him one last time. He gave the most incredible hugs. But he thought it best that I bring them here. I can't even believe I don't know where he lives anymore......

I wrote him a letter....Probably not too smart on my part, but I had to get it all out. And I did, and then I said goodbye and wished him the best with the new girl. Although it kills me to think of not only the two of them in each others arms, but the thought of him saying the things to her he used to say to me. Or the plans we used to make, now he's making those with her. This is why I say goodbye to him right now. I'm raging with jealously! I can't even explain how much I want him back. How much I love him and I can't make him see that. Too little too late as he says. I couldn't do it then ... now it's too late.

I blame me. I blame myself for feeling this way. I just want it to stop now, and that I definitely don't know how to do that. I know I'm sick of feeling like I've been kicked in the face. I need to be held.... well Happy Birthday to me.....The guy I love is fucking someone new.....

So....looks like I have a lot to tell.

I did move into the new place. It's cool cause it's mine....but it's weird since I've never lived by myself before. I find myself inviting people over ALL the time. Which for the most part is a good and bad thing. Good because I don't feel so alone all the time, bad because when I kick everyone out and go to bed....I suddenly feel VERY alone. I don't know why that is.

The move went well, we were done by 12:30, record timing considering we had to get those couches up three flights of stairs! Everything was unpacked by the end of the next day. So I suppose I'm settled....but not settled.

I'm still in the process of moving on. As one persons says....I'm being pathetic. Maybe it's the newness of being alone....maybe it's that he's decided to date someone new (and gorgeous I mind you)...maybe it's because I'm PMSing but I've been missing him move in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 months. Granted I just found out about the new girlfriend, but it didn't help.

I'm not sure and haven't come to terms if I miss him or being with someone. I just know that right now, I've had offers, but it just doesn't FEEL right yet. It doesn't feel like I'm cheating anymore. But more like uncomfortable. Like I don't fit. With him....I fit.

My life is starting new now, and I'm surrounded by friends which is more than cool. And eventually I will move on....Hopefully that will be sooner than later. Anyone know any cute available men? But for the mean time, I'm just be a sap :) I just hope he does know he has a friend in me. And he will always have a huge place in my heart (not to mention a chuck of it in his hand.) And I hope he realizes that I will be here for him. I just wish I made him realize that months ago......congrats to him and her though. I hope she knows what a wonderful man she has and if I had the chance, I'd take him back in a heart beat :)

I guess the saying is true....if you love something you have to set it free.......