Relationships .. Part Deux

So along the line of relationships I've been thinking a lot about about my single status as well. I don't mind being single....really I don't. I've been single more than I've been a couple in my lifetime. And lets just say the couples I've been ... not very great either. I've dated everyone from the junkie, the abuser, the user, to the LARGE child, but it's given me experience to know what I'm ACTUALLY looking for.

I have a tendency to go for the underdog, or the unavailable....I fall hard when I do fall, and I want to take care of the person I'm with in every way possible. Hard thing is, I want to be taken care of too. I want there to be give and take, without me doing ALL the giving and them doing all the taking. I want someone who can talk to me ... and be honest from the beginning. I don't want to find out you hate something I do 3 months into a relationship, I want to know up front what you want, what you like, what your looking for. I end up being the ultimate best friend, good buddy, great secret lover ... It's old.

I want to feel it when someone tells me they love me as much as I HEAR it. It can only go so far when you say it too often without showing it. I want to feel secure with you as much as I want to have FUN and get crazy at times. I want you to think of me as much as I think of you. I love the little things in life, I want to enjoy them with someone else. Someday....someday...
I've had a poem framed in my room since the first guy I thought I 'loved' broke my heart. Not one person has noticed it in 11 years....maybe if they did I wouldn't be here now.


Near You Always ... Jewel
Please don't say I love you, those words touch me much to deeply.

I don't think you realize that power you have over me.

And please don't come so close, it just makes me want to make you near me always.

Please don't kiss me so sweet, it just makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow

And please don't touch me like that, it makes every other seem pale and shallow

And please don't look at me like that, it just makes me want you near me always.

Please don't send me flowers, they only whisper the sweet things you'd say

Don't try and understand me, your hands already know too much anyway.

It just makes me want to make you near me always.

And when you look in my eyes, please know my heart is in your hands.

It's nothing that I understand, but when I'm in your arms, you have complete power over me.

So be gentle if you please, your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth

And it just makes me want to make you near me always,

I want to be near you always.

.....if you get it people, you get it deeply....if you don't, well, you've never really loved someone with your whole heart to have them walk away.

There are rules you know....

Ok, look people...there are rules. Unwritten as they may be, but they're still there damn it!

I think the one that got broken this weekend could be 'Man Law' as a matter of fact.

Here's the rule: If a guy and/or girl calls/texts you after midnight, they're NOT looking for someone to watch movies with. Standard practice I thought...until this weekend.

See, I have an ex, we've always been 'friends' even after breaking it off and seeking new relationships. So when I get the texts starting around 1am through 230am I don't think twice about it. When he convinces me to leave where I am and drive my asre downtown. My thought? I'm getting some...

Now there's always something nice with sleeping with an ex...you don't have the crap that goes along with dating, you know what each other likes, you know there's no commitment in the morning cause that's not what you called for. Believe it or not, even girls look for these things sometimes.

Hey, don't judge, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

What happens when I get downtown to meet him at 3am?

He gives me the girlfriend speech.

WHAT?!?!?! Are you serious? I just left my friends in a bar to drive downtown so you could say 'Hi' cause you missed me? Miss me at 7pm, not 3am damn it, there's rules about late night phone calls. Really, don't you think he'd be pissed if I made him come out by me at 3am to cuddle! I think I may need to get a copy of the 'Man Law' book to him cause he just broke at least 3 rules in that book I'm sure of it.

Now it's Monday and I'm just cranky and aggravated. Remind me the next time he calls ... don't answer!

The theme for 2007?

No Regrets....

Now I've lived my life by this theme, no regrets...but we've all had some now and then haven't we?

Life is such a roller coaster. Sometimes we go for the moment, sometimes we over think every moment we live. This year I'm going to try and make it a point to try NOT to over think so many moments.

This will be rough with my restless mind syndrome and all....but I'm off to a good start. I spent New Years Eve with a couple of co-workers, something I wouldn't normally do considering my 'work' side and my 'out in public' side are 2 DIFFERENT people. I have no shame, those of you who know me know that, but still there are somethings you just don't want in the work place.

And then came the co-workers friend....who made me remember that I don't give a funk! Life is FILLED with 'moments' but it's only the moments you were you get up and get a little crazy are the ones that make a memory. I love those moments. The moments that make people go...what?! or I would never do that! are the moments that keep my life going. Now I know some of you would never in a million years do some of the things I don't think twice about, and that's ok. And I know people read deeper into my moments than what they really are.....and that's ok too. People are going to think what they think of me regardless. I do know the people who have taken the time to get to know me love me because I'm not afraid to have a little craziness in my life.

Life IS worth living people. You just have to remember to live it. So go on get out there, give a stranger a lap dance. Strip down and get in the hot tub naked with friends. Get in your car and drive until your lost and go to a bar there and show them how you get down on the dance floor! Do it, just do it. You'll be surprised how good it feels once your done.

Desperately seeking ....

Inspiration. . .

Dear Lord it's been a while since I've written....and I have a lot to say, but nothing that inspires me to sit in front of this computer for too long.

I'll tell you what, maybe I'll try it when it's NOT 1:45 in the morning. That could help.

Life cut short....

It's hard to realize how much your life can change from one day to the next.

One week ago I was laughing, singing loudly, and having drinks with friends in a little bar in my hometown. Flashing back to the old days, laughing how stupid we were....laughing on how stupid we ARE....rediscovering each other after years apart.

3 days ago I was joking about my 'date' with Nick, singing Toto's 'Rosanna' at 2:45 in the morning...

Yesterday, everything changed and the laughter stopped.

Chad Stevens has passed. Tragically taken so early in life. A child barely into adulthood is now gone without reason or warning. Death seems to know no boundries between young and old.

It's hard to think someone my age, or in this case younger than I, could die at such a young age. I'll admit, everyday I wake up hating my life in some way or another, I don't want to go to work, I'm in debt, I have too much to do at home...and so on and so on. But even though I wake up every morning with sigh, I also wake up happy to have just woken up. I myself never expected to make it to where I have now, but now that I have, I feel more alive now than I ever have. I can't concieve how one minute your with someone and tomorrow it can all be just history and memories.

It's not fair, is it? How can you take someone so young? Chad just graduated from college a few years ago, his life had just begun. As I write this I think to myself....why do we feel so invincible just because we're young?

This is the second person in just a few months that has died at such a young age. Rest in peace Ms. Tara. I did not know you, but I knew your girls and I know how much they loved you. A girl whose life was taken by one dose of Tylonel. It makes me start to think that maybe, none of us are as invinciable as we think we might be.....

Some people say that death is what gives life it's meaning. It's like a story, there's a begining (birth) a middle (life) and an end (death). It inevitably makes me ponder the age old question about the 'meaning' of life. The 'middle' is supposed to be your plot in life all those thing you've done until the end makes your story, but what if you get taken early? I've heard the meaning of life is giving life meaning, but what if you were right in the middle of developing that meaning?

You know how you feel when you turely care about someone and you look into thier eyes, the whole world stops, your heart seems to get bigger and you want nothing more than to be in that moment. Or when you hear from an old friend you cared so much about then and you can't do anything but smile and reminise. Or when your first child is born and you realize THIS must be the reason God put you on this planet. Or even as simple as 'nearly' getting into that car accident and when you take that really deep sigh when it doesn't happen, you look at yourself in the mirror and just have that sudden ... 'I'm alive' moment. All of these moments and much much more I think have to do with the 'meaning' of life.

I hurt so much to think that Chad and Tara will never get to have all of these moments. Only experiences one or two moments in life seems like a putting a dollar in the jukebox and only getting a 1/2 a song to play. I hope and pray that there's a moment right before you die, a 'flash' if you will of all of the feelings you 'should have' felt. Everything, from love to loss. That's the only reason it could all make sense and seem 'fair'.

As they say in life...it isn't fair. I hope in death is a little more accomodating. We all have our own truth, because none of us know for sure. We can only live each day as if it could be our last...none of us will, but it's a nice thought isn't it. I read in a book once written by a women who had a claimed to have an experience when she nearly died. It claimed basically we were all put here for a 'purpose' and no matter how insignifcant that 'purpose' may seem to some....the purpose was truely important.

Well Chad, your purpose was turely important. You touched many lives and brought joy to even more. May your purpose continue even into your death.

Thank You Chad. Your 'purpose' and memories will not be forgotten.

Let it snow??

Right now as I type there is a MAJOR snow storm heading toward Chi-town. See all that white stuff at the bottom of the weather channel doppler? That's SNOW BITCHES!

Times like this I wish I learned how to ski, or snowboard, or still know people who wanted to go tubing or sledding (sans lacerated hips).....why am I the only child at heart?

Damn I HATE the cold, but I'll find some damn snow pants and go do anything once. More than likely I'll fall....I always fall, but I do it while laughing! That's the fun of it. Trying...and trying and trying...what you thought everyone was perfect the first time they did something. HA! I don't think so. I'm sure even Shakespeare's first plays were pretty bunk. Instead I'm doing what I normally do on nights like this.

Don't get me wrong, I love nights like these cause I have an excuse besides, because I want to, to sit down and do these things. First, pop a nice bottle of wine, tonight a nice white, a Riesling. Second, what's better with wine than cheese? NADA I tell you, fresh mozzarella with ground sea salt, fresh ground pepper, a little garlic and fresh basil....mmmmm. Third, can't chill out without some seriously chill music....right now I have a little mix of Ascension, Oakenfold, Marley, Faithless, The Dead, Jamiroqai...and so forth playing. And fourth....me writing like I love to do.

Lately I've been writing a lot in private. When I first started blogging, no one I 'knew' read it. Then a few people I knew but would tell them about what was in my head anyway read it. NOW...well now, co-workers, friends, family, strangers and all have found their way to my blog. Not that I mind too much, I love expressing myself. I just have to take the time to get used to people reacting to me in real life to what I write in cyberspace.

My biggest problem, people are sensitive. I know I'm pretty emotional, but I don't take everything 'personally'. I could never work in my line of business if I did. A lot of people don't know how to take it for face value. I'm venting for cripes sake! This is where I get rid of it so I don't freak out on an innocent bi-stander. If your going to read it, you have to be able to take it in, and leave it here on the net. Think of it as reading my dairy without me knowing. You wouldn't want me to find out would you? Than stop reacting to it.

Words hurt, especially when they're honest...it hurts more when you have a voice along with those words...why? Cause sometimes it makes it more real. I write because it takes it all out of me. It puts it in a new spot, it helps me deal with the anxiety problem that I have. You know me, if I'm not taking care of someone....I'm not happy. Sometimes the person I'm helping gets on my last nerve, I express...deal. Right now, as always....it's taking care of me I have an issue with.

I'm working on it....slowly, I am going to become the person I want to be. Come on with a mom with OCD and a dad with ADD what did you expect :) ... You know me...I wouldn't just hurt anybody on purpose, I'm here for you before I'm here for me. I just need my place, and this is it. Well, here is where I get rid of some of it .. than then there's and all the crazy sex stuff (well when there is any)...that I only tell Liz...but you can just WISH I'd tell you all that.

I just hope you all want to go on this crazy ride with me....I promise...I'll be fun.

Thanks for giving.....

So I went home for the holiday. Back to Pleasant Prairie. Where I've actually never really lived for more than a few months here and there. But it's REALLY close to where I did go to high school and what not so it's as close as I'm gonna get.

All started with the circus on Wednesday. I bought tickets for my mom, pops, the bro and his wife and kiddies to go to the circus on Wednesday night. It was drama since last week trying to get everyone there (aka, the first time that weekend I wanted to kill my brother) but all came all saw and by the end of it, this girl was BEAT!

Thursday morning I got up early, actually LEFT the sink full of dishes my rommie had left and got on the road. I stopped at the oasis to get the biggest coffee I could...thanks George for buying me my sanity for the day...and made it home by 10ish. Talked it up with the p's for a while, found out some bad news....my grandfathers, sisters, husband died (did you get all that?) Of course I didn't bring any clothes to a memorial service so I wasn't going to make it. My mom, aunt and brother went to represent our side of the family. Thanksgiving was great ... until my brother got there and irritated the hell out of me (aka the second time this weekend I wanted to kill my bro.) It's family shite I won't post on here, but HELL can he push my buttons. Things calmed from there, until my brother started gay bashing at dinner and I nearly lost my mind. (aka the third time that weekend my brother almost lost his life)....mind you he's not against gays, but for whatever reason he still thinks it's funny and I still want to punch him in the face whenever he talks like that. He's not just hurting me but other members of my family ... those who can and can't hear him.

That night I went out with Nikki, Tif *her cousin, Jim *Nikki's husband, and Stan...Nik,Jim, and Tif were already drunk when I picked them up....so we went to meet Nick at a bar in the Harbor where I proceeded to walk in with the only black guy. Ha! I love bringing the designated black guy! We had a blast as usual!

Friday was pretty uneventful day time wise. I did win a Coach purse...my sister entered me in a contest and I won, and mom and I went to lunch, but I was more looking forward to later that night. Dinner with Matt, and meeting with old friends. Little did I know ...

I talked to Matt around 2 and we talked about going to dinner around 7ish. So I got myself all pretty and was ready to go, 730...no Matt...I call, no answer...I leave a message...NADA. I fricken HATE being stood up! So I grabbed a bite at home and called Nick to see if he wanted to go out. He was nice enough to come pick me up and go meet where we were supposed to meet everyone else. Guess who showed...one person, and not one I invited...BUNK. So we stayed at this bar that would be really awesome up here, but was kinda dead down there. Funk this we'll go to the Tavern at least there we can pick the music.

That's where I was sitting next to a guy and he and I started talking about nothing. He suddenly tells me I look framiliar....so I ask him his name thinking maybe high school, maybe not. Well turns out it was 'sort of' high school. It was the brother of a good friend of mine in high school. It was so great to catch up with him and find out what his sister was up to. We exchanged numbers and I'll contact him the next time I come up. Nick even took me to the Spot at 3am for burgers. What could be better than burgers from The Spot at 3am? NOTHING I tell you!

Saturday was a BAD nite, but bad I mean I spent most of it sick in the washroom. I wish I could say it was hangover, but no such luck. Those I know how to cure. I woke up this morning sick as hell and drove home. Laid about for a while then did the laundry. Messed with my 'space' for a while, now I'm off to bed....

I hope all of you had a Happy Thanksgiving and got to see all the people you loved! I can hardly wait to see who I'll get to see at Christmas!!