And I think to myself...

It is good lately.

I got rid of the funiture I hated so much. AND got money for it.

THANK YOU E-BAY.

I didn't get a lot of money, $150, but it was better than nothing. It was either that, or toss it off the balcony when I moved cause I wasn't going to move that crap again. Don't get me wrong it was good furniture, but VERY country. My mom's taste, since it was given to me by my mom....and EXTREMELY heavy! Damn those 'build in' recliners.

I've moved this furniture 6 times, and 6 times I have wanted to toss it in the dumpster instead of carrying up the stairs. My friends and family felt the same way. Now, it's GONE. So, all my friends reading this, moving me will be a sinch now. Heather's mom, Nancy, let me have use of a chair and loveseat to use until I move a month and a half from now. You should see how big my apartment looks right now.

Well, as for the 'personal' aspect of my life, my relationship is good. We had clean fest in the house this weekend so were happy people. My friends I miss a lot, but life gets in the way sometimes, I know they still love me. Work, is work, but I'm keeping BUSY with my new sale rep Brett. Lots of problems to fix, so lots of leg work to be done.

I'm doing good. Really good. Things are moving smoothly. Now just to get a few thousand dollars to pay off credit card debt life would be good ;)

So I think to myself.....

....what a wonderful world. Thank you Louis!

In ref. to my comments on the last post....

I was just sitting here thinking....

....man, what would make me feel better?!
and then it came to me.....

OF COURSE, TFK is still willing to do me in the pooper.

What more could a girl ask for.

Setting things right....

I got a letter today.

An unexpected letter.

I find myself surprised by people everyday. Surprised in good in bad ways. Sometimes surprised enough to really make me think. And here's what I think:

First off, I was never mad. Just fed up. Fed up of hearing that I had said things, done things, or was portraying people in a negative way. I know a lot of the things I supposedly said, didn't come from my mouth, but from the imagination of others. I can't prove it, I can honestly say it that with a clear conscience.

I'm a believer in Karma. Good karma brings positive things your way, bad karma can ruin your life. I'm not sure if this letter was about either....but I know it made me feel like a weight had been lifted. Believe it or not as much as I like to 'intelligently argue' with people, I don't enjoy confrontation. I get defensive, and find later all the things that should have been said. Honestly, who doesn't.

I did say things in the past, not so nice things, against two people that didn't deserve it. (Ok, maybe they did a little....) I know I've also said this in the past, but I really don't have a problem with either of them. I was hurt, humiliated and thought my life was over. I felt no one could possibly love me again....and why would they. Because of that, I lashed out against the people who I felt caused the pain in my life. Really, I was the one causing it. For the most part, I couldn't figure out why it was I couldn't get someone I was so close with to talk to me, just for a moment....but I now know why. Would you talk to someone who couldn't say anything nice to you?!

I've come to the realization that no matter how many positive things people can say about you, you can only hear the negative. And for some reason, you can let the good go in one ear and out the other, but the bad just sticks in your head like glue...wandering aimlessly for explanation. Truth is there will NEVER be an explanation. People are going to have their opinions of you, some good some bad. Like you parents taught you when you were young, NOBODY'S perfect.

Break ups are never good, especially when their public. People search for closure, and sometimes, you just can't have it. I know that I loved a man with all my heart, the love faded, it ended. Shouldn't the love we had be all that matters. No he said, she said, could've, would've, should've. Only hoping each one of you can find that kind of love again one day.

I'm happy in my life now, for the most part, but I'll admit, I'm not fully healed. I am over it, the relationship that is. I don't want the relationship back, but I would like to put the past in the past. It's tough to do when you see someone you loved everyday and people in an office situation like to poke at these types of things with a stick to see what happens. Only time can and will heal those 'cracks' that are still left in the broken heart. I found myself defensive and closing people out, but I have now let myself fall in love again, and that love is strong. It's the best thing in my life I could've hoped for or asked for. My family, including my distant relatives, love him, my friends get along with him, and I'm best friends with his sister. He is quickly becoming my best friend, and I couldn't ask for any more for a man than what I have.

I hope it's the same for the two of them, and everyone else out there.

I think all parties involved have apologized enough. It's done. It's over. All our lives are on different plains, on different levels, and moving in different directions. I hope were all on the right track for happiness, if not, I hope all of us will someday find the track we should be on. Even if it does mean you have to admit your not the person you always saw yourself to be. That was my biggest hurdle.

All I can say now is Thank You. Thank you for making me think this hard, this long, and this much on the subject. I think it was clarity I needed, not closure.

Who finds the irony in the fact that one of my ads on adsence (I'm getting PAID for this people) is a ad for a votive candle that says check out ex-boyfriends in hell. Mind you I don't pick the ads.

Ok, not like I want any of my ex's to go to hell (even you D).... well maybe Bobby for beating me up ... but still, FUNNY!!!

TFK...

Your the best.......

.....at pouring sugar on me of course.

A moment of being....LOST

So I'm reaching out into cyber world a bit....

Not that I'm asking anyone to answer or solve my problems...But this writing is how I deal sometimes.

I'm feeling lost lately. I've successfully finished my medical assistance degree, and can move on to a new career as soon as I can calm my financial situation (good thing). I have a new boyfriend whom I love (good thing). I'll be moving into a home with one of my best friends (good thing).

So why the hell am I so damned depressed lately. I know I've been working on the weight thing, so that's part of it...but not all of it. I want to cry nearly everyday, instead of crying, I seem to just get snappy with the boyfriend....bless him for dealing with me and my bitchy self.

I see myself LOSING my patience and my mind lately. Suffering from anxiety attacks, headaches, loss of sleep (not just because Mr. Twitchy is sleeping next to me)....it's driving me slowly insane.

I'M NOT GOING PSYCHO, don't worry, but I'm feeling myself slipping nto a false sense of reality. It's seems to just be a blur of the same daily routine, with no end. And then when the weekend comes, I have no energy or ambition to want to do anything (well outside of work anyway). I've even gotten to a point were I've made myself sick over it.

I miss my friends, my family, my life.....but I don't feel comfortable around them either, and just want to be alone at that point.

Does any of this make sense? Has anyone else had this mini-nervous breakdown before?

BAH....I'll be ok, just a case of winter blues I suppose.

Didn't I, Didn't I, Didn't I see you cryin'

So I've gotten a few emails from people asking whom I was speaking of originally in my blog, and what's going on.

My answer is....it's none of your damn business. I know someone who has a problem, I'm letting that person know I'm here to help if he chooses. Just like if any of you had a problem I'd be there for you. That's all you need to know. Some have already jumped to conclusions it was about them, and took it the wrong way. I know for a fact the person it's intended for will not. DONE! GET OVER IT!

New subject.

I have two...very important people in my life who have birthdays next weekend.

One being my love he'll be the big 38 this year, but as I say, your only as old as the woman you feel, which brings me to my next birthday...the other is my bestest (and most elusive) friend.

Beth my dear, I didn't forget about you. You were there for me through SO much crap back in the day. WOW did we go through some really good and really BAD times together. I find myself reminiscing about Brian, Patrick S., the other Patrick, Gibsons, Gibsons bathroom ... and all the other trouble we used to cause and get into. There are certain boating incidents that come to mind...

I wouldn't want to have shared those moments in my life with anyone else but you. You're the BESTEST friend a girl could have. No drama between us in nearly 10 years now....drama in our lives yes, but no drama between you and I. I can't imagine life without at least hearing your voice (even if it is voicemail tag) every few weeks or so. I miss you babe, one of these days we'll have to ditch these boys and go out like old times....without ending up in some fab apartment with a breathtaking view :) .... the boys wouldn't like that too much huh?! I love you.

OH!! But here's some news for you since I haven't been able to actually talk to you for awhile.... Double J is going to be a daddy! I'll just let you take that one in....

Yikes! Apparently my blog has gotten me into a little bit of a conundrum!

I would like to clear the air with someone I can not contact due to a work problem. I hope he reads this blog and has no question it's about him.

What I wrote in my last entry was NOT about you. I REPEAT IT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU! I'm sorry you assumed it was. I DID hear some unflattering rumors, but the only person I discussed that with is my mom. Not Chris, not Heather, not any other co-worker, no one. I was going to talk to you about it, but my mother advised me I should steer clear even if I was concerned because it could blow up in my face. I mean REALLY who am I anyway to stick my nose in your business anyway?! Apparently, it was going to blow up in my face regardless and I shouldn't have taken the advise and come straight to you with it. I'm sorry I didn't because maybe if I would have this whole 'ordeal' wouldn't have happened.

I assure you, my last post, I was speaking of someone else. After reading it I could see how you could've assumed it was you, but that's assuming you thought I knew something. I PROMISE YOU IT'S NOT! Your business is your business. I believe this little 'ordeal' may have killed any friendship we may have ever developed in the future, which at this point was very slim in the first place considering I was not very nice in the past. I admit I was wrong then, I have had no intention of being anything but out of the way now. I wish you and yours nothing but the best. I had no intention of being mean, malicious, spreading rumors, or hurting anyone. You and I had something special, I loved you deeply and passionately. Because of that I said things in the past that were at the very least inappropriate to say at work or otherwise. I now love someone else even more who loves me just as much back. Since then, I long ago recanted those statements with everyone I may have said anything to, which quite frankly wasn't that many people. I still have a lot of care and concern for you. I realize now, it's probably best that I pretend as you and I never were, and just have my memories. Most of which were good.

I'm sorry the steps that were taken today had to be taken, but I have to protect myself and my job, I'm sure you understand.

Please next time you want to talk to me, if you want to ever talk to me, or you think I was saying or doing something unfavorable to or about you or anyone you care about, contact me OUTSIDE of work. I would be more than willing to sit down and discuss like an adult anything you wish and clear the air on anything.

Again, for what it's worth... I'm sorry.

Good luck to you with everything you do.

Now what the hell is goin' on?

WHAT UP!!!!!

Damn life has been BUSY lately.

All work no play. But I started going back to the gym....the pounds WILL come off soon. Next month I'm going to start looking for a new job.

At the end of next month I'll be moving...AGAIN. I've decided to tell people that my furniture like the change of scenery. Sound better than I seem to be a hermit that picks up everything I own and moves every year. This time it's for a good reason. I'll be living rent free in a really nice 4 bedroom home in Arlington Heights until Heathers mom sells the house (Juneish or later). Then I'll be moving in with the boyfriend.

Not like he doesn't already live here anyway :)

I'm doing well though. REALLY well. Once I get this weight thing taken care of (which I'm working on) I'll be happy. Ok, once I don't have to work two damn jobs I'll be happy, but we can't get everything we want.

Speaking of can't get everything you want, I found out a little something about someone I care alot about. I found out he's doing something stupid with his significant other. It worries me because I think this person is better than that, was raised to know better than that, and needs to start acting like the man I know he is. Maybe it's time you learned not everyone's going to show you love like you think love should be shown....it doesn't mean your not loved. My family and I worry about you, we think MAYBE you may want to seek some professional help. If your reading this and you know what I'm talking about, my door is always open, and if you can't talk to me for whatever reason....there's always mom and pops. If you can't do that, find someone....you need to help yourself before you spiral out of control.

OK, that's done.

Hasta people I'll update more later....promise.....

OUT!

OH....another website people....maybe I'm a loser, but I need an intervention from places like the grocery store and Target. Can't go in without buying a ricockulous (that's more than ridiculous people) amount of stuff. And then I found this.... http://slavetotarget.blogspot.com/ . Had to give it a little love. Now I'm not alone, and maybe I can start a 12 step program.

WOW!!

I need to update....

I need to update REALLY bad....

I also need to stop working 70 hours a week, but I can't seem to work that out either :)

Soon I promise.

For now I'll turn you on to one of my most window-licking guilty pleasures, don't judge.....but I love to read this website, it makes me laugh.

www.pinkisthenewblog.com

Trent is great and hey if magazines will list him as a guilty pleasure....why can't I?

Damn you North American for blocking this one as of today....you are the ultimiate killer of fun.