Just FYI

I've had a couple of people comment to me privately about my blogs on Valentines and how I hate February.

I love that you all read my blogs, that's awesome to me, but please keep in mind ... blogging is like therapy to me. I have to get it out in order to feel better. Normally by the time I'm done writing the blog, I have a feeling of relief already with me, just cause I got it out of my system. My mind has always been one to run at about 100 miles an hour, and the only way I can clear some of the things out of it, is to write it down.

Most people choose not to do this publicly, but I'm not ashamed of how I feel, so I put it out there.I know my blogs can sometimes sound like I'm depressed, bitter, lonely, and generally unhappy....but really, I'm not. I do get lonely, I do get depressed, but all in all .. I'm pretty happy where I am in my life. Not many people could have gone through some of the things I have in life and turned out so grounded and independent.

I'm happy to be my families 'failure' so to speak. I might be nearly 30 and nothing and I own nothing and have a ok job, but I'm at a pretty good spot for ME in my life. I believe there's a plan for everyone, and as angry as I get sometimes for the bad hand I get dealt, I also know that without suffering there would be no compassion.

Thank you all for 'checking' on me to make sure I wasn't going to jump off a bridge. Trust me, I'm not. Keep checking in, I'll be bad with more good and bad moments I'm sure :)

I loathe February

Thank GOD it's a short month, but it's that time of the year again.

The time of the year that I really dis-like the most....

I made it through Thanksgiving in November. Not too much drama this year and I got to see a bunch of people from my high school days I haven't seen in while.

I made it through Christmas in December. Found out my sister-in-law is pregnant, got a lot of
'it'll happen for you too someday' talk. BUT all in all, I made it without losing my mind.

New Years in December/January. Best friend got married, yep I cried. It was an end to an era. So many good times being bad :) But I'm SO happy he found someone like Jen to share his life with. Funny, they all thought I'D be the first. Proved them wrong huh? :) Then went out and got crazy for the NYE just to remember that I could ... Rehash some hay day times that I used to have when I wasn't the mom of the group, but the crazy one instead. Thanks Jenky and Scott for making me go in the first place.

Now, February comes around....and I get all blah again. Valentine's, what a stupid holiday, but it totally makes EVERY single girl feel like the biggest piece of crap doesn't it. I don't even believe in this holiday. I tend to call it ... the nationwide celebration of my parents anniversary, but still....now they're playing all the 'romantic comedies' and 'love stories' on TV. Every commercial has some romantic theme to it, cripes....even every TV show has some 'Valentines' motif to it.

I want to throw up.

The reason why I take Valentines so hard? Two reasons.

Reason #1. Next month is the end of my 'holiday' season with it being my birthday. Granted Easter is right around the corner, but who gets 'depressed' during Easter? Every Valentines, I'm alone, and every Valentines I just think of how in a month I'm going to be another year older and start another year alone. How depressing.

Reason # 2. I WANT the romance damnit! I've done the 'dirty' so to speak, and I can get a man to "want" me (notice the quotes here people) but it's never in a romantic kind of way. I've been there, done that with all the 'fun' stuff so to speak. I've danced on bars, I've make out in corners, I've had some pretty wild times.....with and without the drug years. (I'm keeping this clean in order NOT to freak out my family members....) I had trysts in my life that would make you blush to say the least, but that's not what I want anymore. I'm bored with it. It's not fun anymore. I want the romance, I want someone to WANT to send me flowers and surprise me with romantic dates, or getaways. I want the fairy tale even though I know it doesn't exist, but the older I get the more I want the movie ending. Just cause I hang out with the guys doesn't mean I'm not a girl on the inside.

I'm not even talking about all the commitment and marriage thing. I'm talking about the moonlight walk, the wine picnic, the creativity date because you thought I was worth the trouble of planning it, the sending me flowers cause you thought of me and it made you smile...so you wanted to make me smile too. Is this too much for a girl to want? I don't think it is. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic, mainly because I think it's dead and hopeless. Thought I found it once, thought there was potential....then I caught him texting me and SEVERAL other women at the same time the same 'cutesy' text messages. That was over before it even started. Note to all of you out there: I'M NOT STUPID! I hang out with mostly men, so I know when it's genuine and when your just trying to get in my pants....

Where did these guys go? And if there out there, how come I can't find them? I know I pick the wrong men. The 'getting a divorce guy', the 'large child' the 'disappear from the planet' guy, the 'drug accident/alcoholic' guy, and even the 'guy with a girlfriend but still looking to get in my pants for fails to mention his girlfriend to me' guy. Not one guy that I have ever 'chosen' to date has every had any ambition in life to want to do anything with life, let alone try and be romantic for me. I've dated the older, the way older, the younger, the I should be in jail (just kidding!) and NONE of them have ever stepped up to the plate.

Maybe that's why I go through men, because I'm willing to be 'that' girl for them...but they aren't willing to be that guy for me and eventually, it gets old. I'm realistic....I don't want you to fly me to Paris, or buy me diamonds, I just want you to surprise me by making me a candlelight dinner for two.

Ok, I'm getting depressed form my own conversation. So my soon to be 29 never experience romance self, is ending this conversation. It's almost not worth talking about anymore anyway.

Relationships .. Part Deux

So along the line of relationships I've been thinking a lot about about my single status as well. I don't mind being single....really I don't. I've been single more than I've been a couple in my lifetime. And lets just say the couples I've been ... not very great either. I've dated everyone from the junkie, the abuser, the user, to the LARGE child, but it's given me experience to know what I'm ACTUALLY looking for.

I have a tendency to go for the underdog, or the unavailable....I fall hard when I do fall, and I want to take care of the person I'm with in every way possible. Hard thing is, I want to be taken care of too. I want there to be give and take, without me doing ALL the giving and them doing all the taking. I want someone who can talk to me ... and be honest from the beginning. I don't want to find out you hate something I do 3 months into a relationship, I want to know up front what you want, what you like, what your looking for. I end up being the ultimate best friend, good buddy, great secret lover ... It's old.

I want to feel it when someone tells me they love me as much as I HEAR it. It can only go so far when you say it too often without showing it. I want to feel secure with you as much as I want to have FUN and get crazy at times. I want you to think of me as much as I think of you. I love the little things in life, I want to enjoy them with someone else. Someday....someday...
I've had a poem framed in my room since the first guy I thought I 'loved' broke my heart. Not one person has noticed it in 11 years....maybe if they did I wouldn't be here now.


Near You Always ... Jewel
Please don't say I love you, those words touch me much to deeply.

I don't think you realize that power you have over me.

And please don't come so close, it just makes me want to make you near me always.

Please don't kiss me so sweet, it just makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow

And please don't touch me like that, it makes every other seem pale and shallow

And please don't look at me like that, it just makes me want you near me always.

Please don't send me flowers, they only whisper the sweet things you'd say

Don't try and understand me, your hands already know too much anyway.

It just makes me want to make you near me always.

And when you look in my eyes, please know my heart is in your hands.

It's nothing that I understand, but when I'm in your arms, you have complete power over me.

So be gentle if you please, your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth

And it just makes me want to make you near me always,

I want to be near you always.

.....if you get it people, you get it deeply....if you don't, well, you've never really loved someone with your whole heart to have them walk away.

There are rules you know....

Ok, look people...there are rules. Unwritten as they may be, but they're still there damn it!

I think the one that got broken this weekend could be 'Man Law' as a matter of fact.

Here's the rule: If a guy and/or girl calls/texts you after midnight, they're NOT looking for someone to watch movies with. Standard practice I thought...until this weekend.

See, I have an ex, we've always been 'friends' even after breaking it off and seeking new relationships. So when I get the texts starting around 1am through 230am I don't think twice about it. When he convinces me to leave where I am and drive my asre downtown. My thought? I'm getting some...

Now there's always something nice with sleeping with an ex...you don't have the crap that goes along with dating, you know what each other likes, you know there's no commitment in the morning cause that's not what you called for. Believe it or not, even girls look for these things sometimes.

Hey, don't judge, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

What happens when I get downtown to meet him at 3am?

He gives me the girlfriend speech.

WHAT?!?!?! Are you serious? I just left my friends in a bar to drive downtown so you could say 'Hi' cause you missed me? Miss me at 7pm, not 3am damn it, there's rules about late night phone calls. Really, don't you think he'd be pissed if I made him come out by me at 3am to cuddle! I think I may need to get a copy of the 'Man Law' book to him cause he just broke at least 3 rules in that book I'm sure of it.

Now it's Monday and I'm just cranky and aggravated. Remind me the next time he calls ... don't answer!

The theme for 2007?

No Regrets....

Now I've lived my life by this theme, no regrets...but we've all had some now and then haven't we?

Life is such a roller coaster. Sometimes we go for the moment, sometimes we over think every moment we live. This year I'm going to try and make it a point to try NOT to over think so many moments.

This will be rough with my restless mind syndrome and all....but I'm off to a good start. I spent New Years Eve with a couple of co-workers, something I wouldn't normally do considering my 'work' side and my 'out in public' side are 2 DIFFERENT people. I have no shame, those of you who know me know that, but still there are somethings you just don't want in the work place.

And then came the co-workers friend....who made me remember that I don't give a funk! Life is FILLED with 'moments' but it's only the moments you were you get up and get a little crazy are the ones that make a memory. I love those moments. The moments that make people go...what?! or I would never do that! are the moments that keep my life going. Now I know some of you would never in a million years do some of the things I don't think twice about, and that's ok. And I know people read deeper into my moments than what they really are.....and that's ok too. People are going to think what they think of me regardless. I do know the people who have taken the time to get to know me love me because I'm not afraid to have a little craziness in my life.

Life IS worth living people. You just have to remember to live it. So go on get out there, give a stranger a lap dance. Strip down and get in the hot tub naked with friends. Get in your car and drive until your lost and go to a bar there and show them how you get down on the dance floor! Do it, just do it. You'll be surprised how good it feels once your done.

Desperately seeking ....

Inspiration. . .

Dear Lord it's been a while since I've written....and I have a lot to say, but nothing that inspires me to sit in front of this computer for too long.

I'll tell you what, maybe I'll try it when it's NOT 1:45 in the morning. That could help.

Life cut short....

It's hard to realize how much your life can change from one day to the next.

One week ago I was laughing, singing loudly, and having drinks with friends in a little bar in my hometown. Flashing back to the old days, laughing how stupid we were....laughing on how stupid we ARE....rediscovering each other after years apart.

3 days ago I was joking about my 'date' with Nick, singing Toto's 'Rosanna' at 2:45 in the morning...

Yesterday, everything changed and the laughter stopped.

Chad Stevens has passed. Tragically taken so early in life. A child barely into adulthood is now gone without reason or warning. Death seems to know no boundries between young and old.

It's hard to think someone my age, or in this case younger than I, could die at such a young age. I'll admit, everyday I wake up hating my life in some way or another, I don't want to go to work, I'm in debt, I have too much to do at home...and so on and so on. But even though I wake up every morning with sigh, I also wake up happy to have just woken up. I myself never expected to make it to where I have now, but now that I have, I feel more alive now than I ever have. I can't concieve how one minute your with someone and tomorrow it can all be just history and memories.

It's not fair, is it? How can you take someone so young? Chad just graduated from college a few years ago, his life had just begun. As I write this I think to myself....why do we feel so invincible just because we're young?

This is the second person in just a few months that has died at such a young age. Rest in peace Ms. Tara. I did not know you, but I knew your girls and I know how much they loved you. A girl whose life was taken by one dose of Tylonel. It makes me start to think that maybe, none of us are as invinciable as we think we might be.....

Some people say that death is what gives life it's meaning. It's like a story, there's a begining (birth) a middle (life) and an end (death). It inevitably makes me ponder the age old question about the 'meaning' of life. The 'middle' is supposed to be your plot in life all those thing you've done until the end makes your story, but what if you get taken early? I've heard the meaning of life is giving life meaning, but what if you were right in the middle of developing that meaning?

You know how you feel when you turely care about someone and you look into thier eyes, the whole world stops, your heart seems to get bigger and you want nothing more than to be in that moment. Or when you hear from an old friend you cared so much about then and you can't do anything but smile and reminise. Or when your first child is born and you realize THIS must be the reason God put you on this planet. Or even as simple as 'nearly' getting into that car accident and when you take that really deep sigh when it doesn't happen, you look at yourself in the mirror and just have that sudden ... 'I'm alive' moment. All of these moments and much much more I think have to do with the 'meaning' of life.

I hurt so much to think that Chad and Tara will never get to have all of these moments. Only experiences one or two moments in life seems like a putting a dollar in the jukebox and only getting a 1/2 a song to play. I hope and pray that there's a moment right before you die, a 'flash' if you will of all of the feelings you 'should have' felt. Everything, from love to loss. That's the only reason it could all make sense and seem 'fair'.

As they say in life...it isn't fair. I hope in death is a little more accomodating. We all have our own truth, because none of us know for sure. We can only live each day as if it could be our last...none of us will, but it's a nice thought isn't it. I read in a book once written by a women who had a claimed to have an experience when she nearly died. It claimed basically we were all put here for a 'purpose' and no matter how insignifcant that 'purpose' may seem to some....the purpose was truely important.

Well Chad, your purpose was turely important. You touched many lives and brought joy to even more. May your purpose continue even into your death.

Thank You Chad. Your 'purpose' and memories will not be forgotten.