Let it snow??

Right now as I type there is a MAJOR snow storm heading toward Chi-town. See all that white stuff at the bottom of the weather channel doppler? That's SNOW BITCHES!

Times like this I wish I learned how to ski, or snowboard, or still know people who wanted to go tubing or sledding (sans lacerated hips).....why am I the only child at heart?

Damn I HATE the cold, but I'll find some damn snow pants and go do anything once. More than likely I'll fall....I always fall, but I do it while laughing! That's the fun of it. Trying...and trying and trying...what you thought everyone was perfect the first time they did something. HA! I don't think so. I'm sure even Shakespeare's first plays were pretty bunk. Instead I'm doing what I normally do on nights like this.

Don't get me wrong, I love nights like these cause I have an excuse besides, because I want to, to sit down and do these things. First, pop a nice bottle of wine, tonight a nice white, a Riesling. Second, what's better with wine than cheese? NADA I tell you, fresh mozzarella with ground sea salt, fresh ground pepper, a little garlic and fresh basil....mmmmm. Third, can't chill out without some seriously chill music....right now I have a little mix of Ascension, Oakenfold, Marley, Faithless, The Dead, Jamiroqai...and so forth playing. And fourth....me writing like I love to do.

Lately I've been writing a lot in private. When I first started blogging, no one I 'knew' read it. Then a few people I knew but would tell them about what was in my head anyway read it. NOW...well now, co-workers, friends, family, strangers and all have found their way to my blog. Not that I mind too much, I love expressing myself. I just have to take the time to get used to people reacting to me in real life to what I write in cyberspace.

My biggest problem, people are sensitive. I know I'm pretty emotional, but I don't take everything 'personally'. I could never work in my line of business if I did. A lot of people don't know how to take it for face value. I'm venting for cripes sake! This is where I get rid of it so I don't freak out on an innocent bi-stander. If your going to read it, you have to be able to take it in, and leave it here on the net. Think of it as reading my dairy without me knowing. You wouldn't want me to find out would you? Than stop reacting to it.

Words hurt, especially when they're honest...it hurts more when you have a voice along with those words...why? Cause sometimes it makes it more real. I write because it takes it all out of me. It puts it in a new spot, it helps me deal with the anxiety problem that I have. You know me, if I'm not taking care of someone....I'm not happy. Sometimes the person I'm helping gets on my last nerve, I express...deal. Right now, as always....it's taking care of me I have an issue with.

I'm working on it....slowly, I am going to become the person I want to be. Come on with a mom with OCD and a dad with ADD what did you expect :) ... You know me...I wouldn't just hurt anybody on purpose, I'm here for you before I'm here for me. I just need my place, and this is it. Well, here is where I get rid of some of it .. than then there's and all the crazy sex stuff (well when there is any)...that I only tell Liz...but you can just WISH I'd tell you all that.

I just hope you all want to go on this crazy ride with me....I promise...I'll be fun.

Thanks for giving.....

So I went home for the holiday. Back to Pleasant Prairie. Where I've actually never really lived for more than a few months here and there. But it's REALLY close to where I did go to high school and what not so it's as close as I'm gonna get.

All started with the circus on Wednesday. I bought tickets for my mom, pops, the bro and his wife and kiddies to go to the circus on Wednesday night. It was drama since last week trying to get everyone there (aka, the first time that weekend I wanted to kill my brother) but all came all saw and by the end of it, this girl was BEAT!

Thursday morning I got up early, actually LEFT the sink full of dishes my rommie had left and got on the road. I stopped at the oasis to get the biggest coffee I could...thanks George for buying me my sanity for the day...and made it home by 10ish. Talked it up with the p's for a while, found out some bad news....my grandfathers, sisters, husband died (did you get all that?) Of course I didn't bring any clothes to a memorial service so I wasn't going to make it. My mom, aunt and brother went to represent our side of the family. Thanksgiving was great ... until my brother got there and irritated the hell out of me (aka the second time this weekend I wanted to kill my bro.) It's family shite I won't post on here, but HELL can he push my buttons. Things calmed from there, until my brother started gay bashing at dinner and I nearly lost my mind. (aka the third time that weekend my brother almost lost his life)....mind you he's not against gays, but for whatever reason he still thinks it's funny and I still want to punch him in the face whenever he talks like that. He's not just hurting me but other members of my family ... those who can and can't hear him.

That night I went out with Nikki, Tif *her cousin, Jim *Nikki's husband, and Stan...Nik,Jim, and Tif were already drunk when I picked them up....so we went to meet Nick at a bar in the Harbor where I proceeded to walk in with the only black guy. Ha! I love bringing the designated black guy! We had a blast as usual!

Friday was pretty uneventful day time wise. I did win a Coach purse...my sister entered me in a contest and I won, and mom and I went to lunch, but I was more looking forward to later that night. Dinner with Matt, and meeting with old friends. Little did I know ...

I talked to Matt around 2 and we talked about going to dinner around 7ish. So I got myself all pretty and was ready to go, 730...no Matt...I call, no answer...I leave a message...NADA. I fricken HATE being stood up! So I grabbed a bite at home and called Nick to see if he wanted to go out. He was nice enough to come pick me up and go meet where we were supposed to meet everyone else. Guess who showed...one person, and not one I invited...BUNK. So we stayed at this bar that would be really awesome up here, but was kinda dead down there. Funk this we'll go to the Tavern at least there we can pick the music.

That's where I was sitting next to a guy and he and I started talking about nothing. He suddenly tells me I look framiliar....so I ask him his name thinking maybe high school, maybe not. Well turns out it was 'sort of' high school. It was the brother of a good friend of mine in high school. It was so great to catch up with him and find out what his sister was up to. We exchanged numbers and I'll contact him the next time I come up. Nick even took me to the Spot at 3am for burgers. What could be better than burgers from The Spot at 3am? NOTHING I tell you!

Saturday was a BAD nite, but bad I mean I spent most of it sick in the washroom. I wish I could say it was hangover, but no such luck. Those I know how to cure. I woke up this morning sick as hell and drove home. Laid about for a while then did the laundry. Messed with my 'space' for a while, now I'm off to bed....

I hope all of you had a Happy Thanksgiving and got to see all the people you loved! I can hardly wait to see who I'll get to see at Christmas!!

Scars

I started crying in the Dominicks today while grocery shopping. I don't cry in public, what's wrong with me? Well, day one of being a non-smoker for one, for two....I was wearing my iPod and Papa Roach started playing....I always end up crying to this song. It pretty sums up how I feel about Dayne and I's relationship....actually every relationship I've ever had....but Dayne I loved so it hurt more.

Why talk about Dayne now? It's been nearly 3 YEARS since we were over. I don't know. Old 'Scars' sometimes don't heal completely and they rear their evil head occasionally. That and I heard some rumors I didn't like about someone he loves, and I don't want to see him hurt as much as I "should" just to be a bitter bitch. Too much compassion as they say makes me want to protect everyone. When am I going to learn ... wearing my heart on my sleeve and taking care of everyone else but me isn't going to get me anywhere too quickly.

Hopefully these new life changes are going to bring something good and positive into my life. Something to make me wake up with a smile, go through my day with laughter and go to bed content with myself. I can to the best for everyone else, isn't it about time I did that for me too? (It's a rhetorical question, you don't have to answer).

Well, day one as a non-smoker is almost done and over with. Can't say it wasn't hard, but it was easier than I first anticipated. I've been sans roommate all day so being alone probably helped. Both her and I ... I have no one to snap at ... she doesn't get snapped at :)
I'll keep you posted. I promise I won't stay this serious...I plan on keeping my sense of humor, just getting rid of the nicotine :)

Scars _ Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion is in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
(But you didn't understand)
Now fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Making a difference....

In my own life I mean.

I'm approaching a very important date in my life. My sobriety date, November 11th. Veteran's Day to be exact. I have gone through many years of struggle and fight to get to this point.

For those of you who don't know, let me fill you in.

Right before high school ended I got involved with some people who weren't exactly the best for me. Sometime later, I was a junkie. I continued downward quickly by not exactly keeping the best relationships after high school. I was into mostly cocaine, but I did it all to be honest. Well everything but needles, couldn't bring myself to put it directly into my veins.

I was a full blown coke addict, but just as functional as anyone. I kept it hidden from my family, friends, even roommates. I went to work everyday, I got up everyday when I was supposed to, paid my bills on time, and never forgot anything I was responsible for. But I had my secret lifestyle. My bathroom trips at malls, my secret bumps at work, my trips to get my coke when no one knew where I was. All of it was my secret lifestyle and it went on for years.

One day, November 11th to be exact, I woke up one day and realized, I seriously don't want to live my life like this, and that day my coke was flushed and I spent my first day sober in nearly 3 years. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

After that first day, it just got harder. I actually had to DEAL with my emotions. Sure, I still drink, but I can take or leave a drink....and when I was sobering up, the last think I wanted to do WAS drink cause it just made me want drugs that much more. A lot of reality set in within that first year. I had so much anger and aggression, so much pain and torment, so much anxiety and depression. That first year was horrible and I thought nothing could feel worse than what I was feeling throughout that first year.

Then came the third year. I never thought somehow the third year could be worse than the first. How could it be? I already had 2 years of sobriety under my belt. I had a good job, good friends, what was starting to be a good life....but my mind was tortured. I would think to myself daily, if I could just keep going, I could get more done at work. If I could stay up longer, I can go out with my friends tonight. If I had more hours in the day I could accomplish so much more. Come on, one bump won't kill you, you've quit for two years, you can kick it whenever you want....it wasn't a good year for me.

Now here I am approaching my nine year ... yeah those of you who knew me then and didn't have a clue, I did say nine year mark and I am SO proud of this date I feel like making a T-shirt about it :)

My father found out about my habit years ago, but this year for the first time, I shared my struggle and torment with my mother. She was shocked, she was upset, but she deep down was proud because I did it, and I did it in the hardest way possilbe....Alone.

Everything I have and have done in the last 9 years is because of my sobriety. I have decided that working my way toward my 10 year mark, I am going to buckle down and SERIOUSLY make some life changes that I have been putting off or been lax about for most of my life. Before I started doing drugs I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The drug made me forget that. As most of you know I have come out and admitted my anxiety disorder for the first time in 11 years since I was diagnosed with it. I needed help. I wasn't sleeping, couldn't concentrate, was having daily panic attacks....it was my own little life in hell. This year, I got help.

I feel as though the meds are really starting to work now. I'm only working one job for the first time and I can't remember how long. I'm living in a nice apartment that's NOT in the ghetto for once. I have completed quite a few things. Now I have no excuses not to complete the rest of the accomplishments I want to make.

First of all, the smoking has got to go. Honestly, it's just another addiction I've helc onto. One vice I really don't need. Honestly who DOESN'T feel like crap when they've smoked too much the night before? Yeah, we've all been there.

Second, I have some debt to take care of. I keep spending money I really don't have and making myself deeper and deeper into a bad place soon I won't be able to help myself so I gotta do something about it. So I've gotta make some changes. One's I won't exactly LIKE, but they have to be made in order to make me a better ME! First one goes along with the second....I won't be able to quit smoking if I'm out and about drinking with a bunch of people who are socially smoking. For the next 6 months or so, I won't be going out more than once a month, unless there is a special event of some kind (ie birthdays and what not). At such special events I will VOLUNTEER to be destined driver to anyone and everyone...as long as you spot me a few Red Bulls now and then. I spend WAY too much money when I go out, and drinks and a bar lead to smoking and my goals not being reached.

You want to see me, which I really hope you will, you know how to find me.

I have some others I'll post as time goes on. I'm starting here...

This isn't going to be easy for me, I hope you will all be here to support me and deal with my mood swings during the anti-smoke time. I so love you all and it has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to do with any of you, I just have to help me and now seems like the best time to do it. What better day to make a new start than the day you made the biggest new start of your life?

I hope you all understand.

Ch..ch..Changes...

I thought I'd share a little MySpace with you all...

Ok, so I switched up my top former 12 now 16 just to make some changes....

Shall I explain? Sure why not? Remember it's in order or how long I've known you not how much I love you or you'd all be #1 ....ok I'm going to hurl from that line....here we go:

Mer: Our should I say Mer, Mike and Logan since you can't go on ther without seeing how much she loves her family. She's my half brother's half sister. So in our dyfunctional world...That's family!

B: Even more fun, she's my half brother's half sister's half sister. Yeah I know you need a map, try being one of us trying to explain it. But again, it's family beeatch! Recognize!

Rich: This one's a little easier, Rich is my half brother. We have the same dad. I so love the fact that we've gotten to know each other after so many years passing that of COURSE he would be in my top 3. Blood runs thicker than water as they say. Besides, we both inherited this really cool ability to jump up on the soap box and go to town. I love ya bro.

Nikki: Known her so long she might as well be my sister. I got the cops called on me in like 2nd grade cause I was at her house playing when I should've been home...whoops..and the memories continue from there. I will always have a place in my heart for the Moore family! (her sister Becca is on my friends list too....)

Moss: AKA the very first 'roomie' I ever had. We ate mac n cheese everyday, dated guys who were best friends, and even started smoking around the same time...two peas, meet pod. We had some **cough,cough** rough times, but I believe that's cause we were young...and stupid :) You're my wonderwall too C.

Jimmy: I've know him what seems like forever. Back in the day I was just a kid working for the teen dance club, he was the bartender at the local hot spot. We worked for the same entertainment company, saw each other here and there...years later, we found each other crossing paths again. We're still good friends. I so LOVE this man.

Eric: What more is there to say, he's a work all his own. My very best guy friend and the love of my life. (not that kind of love) We shared some pretty great moments in life. From the great, to the stupid, to the what the...and even bad ones too. No matter what I could call this guy out of the blue and he'd be there for me. I'm so excited he found someone to share his life with! I can't wait to meet her!

Jen: Ok, so I know this is in order of me meeting the people on my list, and 'technically' I haven't met Jen yet, but she's marrying my best friend....she get a spot, and the spot right next to her future husband for that matter. Pound sand if you don't like it.

Jon Doe: AKA....Alan. The loudest craziest kid I know. I was his 'function girl' for years. I needed this kid exactly the moment he came into my life, he made me strong in the moments I needed it, and I like to think I did the same for him. You can meet the strangest yet greatest people when you proceed to call them a child molester in a crowded bar can't ya?

ICE: AKA....Alex. There is no truer friend than this guy. If I could get one of his famous hugs everyday, I don't think I could ever be unhappy again. He's the most passionate man I've ever met and for this I love him. Remember Alex, we promised 10 more years and if were still single....we're getting married :)

Moe: AKA....James. His laugh puts a smile on my face. You can't help it! His humor and heart make you just want to be his friend for life. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for James and Alex. Hopefully they already know that.

TFK: Who doesn't love 'The Fat Kid'? How could you not? From competative 'Scene It', to his fainting spells, to Bennigans memories, to even him constantly making jokes about doing me in the pooper. I love the fact that he can watch the worlds stupidest movies with me and LIKE them. He's my favorite kid! He's watched me laugh and cry....and he still keeps coming back for more :)

Luke: Well honestly who COULDN'T love my favorite dry storage partner? So many Bennigans nights, so many great memories. Or who could forget our night out at Red Star when the waiter blew up that glass....the night only got better from that moment on!

Katie: How to explain Katie? I met this chick when basically I insulted her...and she still kept coming back for more :) We share the same ex-psycho in our lives so we bonded. Come on...what other 2 girls in life would you want making you hot chocolate and running for pizza?

Mia: The Korean Sex Machine....or so I hear?!? :) I love this chick. We met when I worked at Half Day forever ago, and became friends in the last year or so when I met up with her again. This girl has a huge heart that gets walked on as much as mine does. We have the same guy friends so you know we both have GREAT taste! The best is yet to come I'm sure :)

Last but not least:
Grill 21: My regular hangout. How could you not like a place where 2 of my top 16 work at, not to mention the numerous others from my friends list that work and hang there with me. You wanna see most of MySpace on Friday night....we're at the Grill :)

TA DA...and if your curious...click on the on the link to your left that says MySpace not your space and you'll find ME! :)