Ok, to CLARIFY something.....

Dayne did not inadvertent lie to me. I FEEL as though he did because I feel that he was saying things just to make me happy...and to me that's a lie.

I do not in any way believe that he flat out lied to get me in the sack, or to lead me on.....but I do feel as though if one were to really love someone as much as he told me he loved me that you would just leave someone as easily as he seems to have left our relationship.

And just for the record....I do not know how he feels...he could be hurting just as much as I am. He doesn't share those feelings with me anymore...so I'm clueless. This is just what I feel and feel I have observed from his behavior towards me when I see and talk to him.

This blog is just an expression on how I FEEL on things. I know Dayne is a good person, and a wonderful man, otherwise I wouldn't express 20 million times how I want him back. I'm just hurt. And when your hurt you tend to beat yourself up....

Lookie what I bought for the new place.....

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=2400585&cat=105905&type=1&dept=101849&path=0%3A101849%3A101861%3A91790%3A165854

AND

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=2018616&cat=105905&type=1&dept=101849&path=0%3A101849%3A101861%3A91790%3A165854

Friking Sweet.......

Ok, so I'm starting to feel a little better.

The pity party is slowly coming to an end. Not to say that I don't still feel pretty crappy.....but I'm starting to realize Dayne is not the last man I'm ever going to love. Although it feels like that right now....someday in someway I will fall in love again. And when I do it'll be with someone who accepts me for my flaws and loves me for my quirkiness. I'm moving in 5 days. I need to start a new life without him.

Although I'd love to start a life with him....he does not feel the same way about me. (which makes me laugh because he told me I was everything he has and didn't know what he would do without me.....seems to me he's doing just fine.) Funny how this time last year he would tell me everyday he wanted to be my husband.....and a year later he can't even talk to me at work....why must men lie?!

Anyway.....I just hacked of the hair, got a new place, started taking yoga, and I'm slowly losing a few pounds. Granted I just found out I owe the freakin' government like $1400 (screw the system) and I'm actually starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Now if I wasn't so terribly sexually frustrated I might be ok :) It's a hard transition from sex nearly everyday....to NOTHING....but I'll make it....I do still have that porn that looks like Liz....hahahahahahahahaha.....

My favorite song.....

I need a spirt that can touch my life....
I need a voice to speak the truth.

I need a soul that will be on my side...
Someone whos heart I'll never loose.

Someone like you....
Somebody like you....
Someone like you....
Someone like you...

Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are right....
Sometimes I know they'll all come true.

I need somebody who can move my world...
Someone who knows just what to do.

Someone like you....
Somebody like you....
Someone like you.



Ascension-Someone

If you can tell me what album I'm listening to .... besides Beth ... I will be very impressed.

I think there may be something wrong with me.

I mean really am I the only 27 year old girl who actually wants to be monogamous and get married to someone I love and loves me back?

Honestly, it seems everyone I know now a days has no desire to be in a relationship....or at least a real one anyway. (except you Beth but you've been in a relationship since I met you....Different guys, but always in one) I've got a good friend who can't be without someone and when she isn't she's devastated...for about a week until she finds someone new. Then she sucks that relationship dry....more devastation, more moving on in another week. WHY!!??

I mean honestly I'm not a fan of being single. Which I'm coming to terms with right now. I have very little self worth since the break up, but what the hell....you expected me to be happy about losing someone I love. But there is NO WAY in a week (ok even 6 weeks at this point) I could even think about moving on to the next guy.

Granted I'm a flirt, but it stops there. Harmless flirting. I honestly believed for a while there that the Brit and I would reconcile and he would want me back. Well 6 weeks later and he's officially not even coming out to smoke with me anymore because he feels we need some serious space in order to move on. I wasn't ready for that. Damn my dreams. It's just hard for me to understand how a year ago this same man said he would do anything to be my husband, now he doesn't even want to be in the same room with me because he's afraid we may get 'involved' and that would be bad. How does one change one's mind so quickly.

What ever happened to the times when people actually fought to be in relationships with others. My parents married after knowing each other for 3 months, my father had only been divorced for 7 days when they married. You think a year later when they started to realize they were 2 VERY different people they got divorced and moved on?! NO....my parents toughed it out. Made it a point to do things both he and she liked, found ways to make their relationship work.

Now they had rough times, LOTS of rough times. But you know what they faced them and worked it out. NO ONE DOES THAT ANYMORE. Including me. I do everything in my power to not make waves just to keep someone in my life, I end up losing them. Why?! I have NO idea.

I guess my one dream in life is to just be there for someone and have someone be there for me. I want to be married and have someone to go home to everynight to cuddle with and tell them about my day. I want to be able to fight with someone and know there's no easy walking away and that we'll have to find a solution. I want to be able to help my significant other feel better when they're blue. I want to be there to support my man in rough times. I even want a built in movie partner even when I do want to see the cheesy chick flick or you want to see the bad action movie. I want someone to make dinner for besides myself. And most of all I want to be loved.....and I want to feel like I'm going to love someone like again.

Is this too much to ask?

Second interview down....15 more to go....

Ok not literally. But it seems that way.

So I had my meeting with Nick last night. It went well. I can tell you he does NOT like the chick that's working for him now. And from what I hear of her....I can't blame him. Seems to me like the job would be good for me. We are meeting later this week and then I have to meet with the area supervisor....and then I may be offered the job. I have never been on 4 interviews for a job before, but I seem to be doing ok. Nick and I got along fine....then again he's only 24 so therefore I can't see why we wouldn't get along. The more I hear about this job the more I'm kinda liking it. I still get to be interactive with people but at the same time, it's a change from what I'm doing.

I like change. Plus on the bonus side of things, the office will be mine....well not literally it'll be Nick's, but he's not in the office that much. I think my favorite question though was if Dayne and I had a good outside of work relationship. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....I mean granted we don't exactly spend as much time together as we used to....but I think I can say an overwhelming yes to that one.

Ok so wish me luck with later this week. I may be moving on up in the world. :)

I have a 2nd interview for a new job tonight.

I'm feeling pretty crappy honestly. One cause it's Valentines, and the only Valentine I want....well we all know how that goes......

I'm not feeling all that confident today. I'm sleepy due to the fact I didn't fall asleep until 2am, I'm cranky....due to monthly timing....and it's crappy rainy outside so it just makes my mood that much better.

I just hope I don't kill this interview since I'm in a really I don't give a crap mood.....wish me luck.

So I made a list, but I still feel like I'm forgetting something....I know I WOULD LIKE other things but these are things I need for the new apartment:

Ice cube trays
mop bucket
mop
broom
garbage can for kitchen and bathroom
garbage can liners
utensil holder
shower curtain
rings for shower curtain
toothbrush holder
liquid soap for bathroom
shower caddy
coffee table
candles
ashtrays
measuring cups and spoons
shelf paper for kitchen cabinets
cleaning supplies

Damn....I know that list will get longer by the time I move.

I'm such a planner.

For your viewing enjoyment: Stupid shit TFK and I talk about when at work through our email system: YOU PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW HOW EMAIL WORKS START FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE POST AND WORK YOUR WAY UP.


-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Fridan, February 11, 2005 11:38 AM
To: Smith,Dawn

...now where did i put that damn appology form...

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:37 AM
To: GTG PickPack

Don't under estimate the power of me ;) Holly well...she could open the sliding glass doors!

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:36 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

ok lets see...dayne, your dad and ed could do it, but the rest are of no help

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:35 AM
To: GTG PickPack

Oh there's Dayne, my pops, my mom, Ed, me, phil, holly....I could get some neighbors :)

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:34 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

you're going to need to requisition more people than phil and holly

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:33 AM
To: GTG PickPack

Oh no, because that form includes the use of helpers....one form....one fat kid off the balcony.

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:32 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

I'd like to see you try...you'd need to fill out the form for 300 times your normal strength

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:30 AM
To: GTG PickPack

I will be putting in the form to throw you from the balcony if you don't help :)

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:24 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

I do have one here from you requesting a leg amputation in 16 days...but thats it

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:18 AM
To: GTG PickPack

Well, you must take the consequences for your actions! Just don't break anything you have to help me move still

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:17 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

then this means...oh shit, I'm gonna get hit by a car next week wednesday :(

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 11:14 AM
To: GTG PickPack

See what happens when you fill out the wrong form!

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:59 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

shit...no wonder mommy wouldnt walk with me today

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:55 AM
To: GTG PickPack

Well dummy there's your problem 2167A is the form to cross the street without an adult. Form 2617A is the out of town form!

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:53 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

didnt you get form 2167A? i filed it like three weeks ago

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:49 AM
To: GTG PickPack

YOUR GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND AND DIDN'T TELL ME! What the f$@#! You need to clear these things!

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:45 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

possible...reserve the table, but it won't be as early as normal, for I must help my dad get stuff set up for tomorrow(we are visiting the li'l sis in macomb, and bringing the goob...so we're putting his cage in the van...somehow)

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:44 AM
To: GTG PickPack

Is that a possible....yes i will so just reserve table 13? Or a possible .... I made other plans but maybe?

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:43 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

possiblie

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:43 AM
To: GTG PickPack


DAMN IT!!! I want a prize....
Gonna come visit me at the bniga s tonight

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:41 AM
To: Smith, Dawn


its too late...no prize for you

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:41 AM
To: GTG PickPack

DAMN! I actually did scroll down to the last E.....but the last sentence wasn't on the page when I did. Potato

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:37 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

you lose...read my whole message

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:35 AM
To: GTG PickPack

I think you may be more excited than I am....Can't wait to have a place to get away from the fam huh :) Or spy on holly and phil....

-----Original Message-----
From: GTG PickPack
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 10:33 AM
To: Smith, Dawn

thaats aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
sssssssssssssssssssssssssss
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee







...and now a test to see if you actually read the whole thing...the first word in your reply should be 'potato'

-----Original Message-----
From: Smith, Dawn
Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005 9:08 AM
To: GTG PickPack

YAY for the approval on the apartment. Moving countdown 16 DAYS!!!!

START HERE START HERE START HERE START HERE START HERE

So I went and applied for my new apartment. I'm going with the no news is good news aspect since I haven't heard anything from them yet. I figure if their denying me they would've called.

Here's my new place : http://www.foxboroapartments.com/modele.jpg

The move date is scheduled for Sunday February 27th....so if you wanna help....I'm gonna need it.

UPDATE: I heard from them....it's ALL MINE!!!

Today is exactly one week until my least favorite holiday.

Ok, honestly can we REALLY even call it a 'holiday'. Some ass made up this stupid holiday, and the rest of the world goes along with it. Most girls 'expect' gifts and most guys 'expect' nookie after buying said gifts.

I think it's a big bunch of garbage. Honestly if my boyfriend can't buy me flowers on Tuesday, just because...and then suddenly shows up with them on some chintzy holiday because he feels like he HAS to buy them.....I'll pass. That just seems so fake to me.

Not only that though...I hate walking into ANY store and seeing all of the plastic hearts and paper cupids. It makes me want to gag. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough with my new singledom, here comes the holiday of distustingly sappy Hallmark card, happy couples, and bad mushy romantic comedies. Talk about depressing.

This holiday is bad enough when your with someone. The expectations on getting gifts, the stress of buying them, and the plans to be made. Or for that matter to plans that your not making due to the fact you and your significant other think the holiday is stupid, but still secretly wanting flowers to show up at work or a gift at your door. (don't lie people you know it's true)

But when your single, or in my case newly single and still very much in love. IT SUCKS! All the cheezy love crap just makes me cry and want to be cuddled all that much more. Not to mention the CONSTANT reminder of how alone you feel. I hate you Valentines Day.....I really do.

I've made a decision people

I know I know hard to believe the gal who can't even decide what to have for dinner has made a decision....but she has.

I have weight the pros and cons, had the mental debates in my head, and asked around with friends and family for opionins and FINALLY I have decided.

I'm moving to Wheeling. Well, hopefully anyway. I'll be going to see the apartment tonight. I know I had my little heart SET on Chi-town. But when it all came down to it Wheeling was cheaper and there was going to be more for my money. More like not fighting (or paying for) parking, and tennis courts, volleyball courts, a pool, and fitness center.

Let's face it....it's closer to work too. My friend Holly lives in the same complex too, so I'll always have someone nearby. I'm totally pshyced for the move. If I play my cards right I'm hoping to more the last weekend in February and or the first one in March. I can't wait for the peace and quiet to be quite honest. I love the rents ... but they're LOUD....ask anyone.

No one bought my furniture like I was hoping for :( . So I'm stuck with the old stuff for a little while longer. I think I'll live though. It'll be a lot for one person....but just think....if I have people over, everyone will have a place to sit :)

Party at Dawn's!!!!!!!