Leave of Absence

All,

Ok, so here's the deal since my Facebook status sparked a furry of questions.

As of Friday I will be sort of M.I.A for the next 12 weeks. I will not be in hiding, I will not be in a hole (no one's giving me lotion in a basket), I'm not joining a cult (I don't like Kool-Aid that much) but I have decided to make some serious changes in my life.

I decided I do not want to be on my anxiety meds forever. Believe it or not someday I'd like to have the opportunity to start a family. With my health history, I would NOT be able to do that now or if I continue on this path. No, there's no one in my life (shocker) & NO I'M NOT PREGNANT.

In order for me to stop the anxiety attacks, and possibly start sleeping like a normal person someday I have to make some sacrifices and really make an effort to change my lifestyle. Some of you may get like this in 10 years, but I don't have 10 years to figure it all out. By then I'll be a diabetic, or have serious heart disease or worse. I know I don't tend to 'share' all my problems with all or any of you, but this is something that is really important that I have to do for me.

As of Friday I start a 12 week therapeutic lifestyle program called Firstline Therapy. Basically it's individualized program for me based on blood tests, medical history and time management. It is something my doctor is strongly encouraging me to do and really feels that it will help me get off the meds and on a better path. With any kind of medical or non medical life change, this won't happen overnight, but to simplify it's a program that will help me change my unhealthy habits and forms of behavior.

I desperately need to develop a way to get some 'mental clarity'. As much as I truly love all of you, my main problem is I forget about myself. I worry or take care of everyone else before myself, and lets face it, when I need the help...I don't or won't ask for it. This last year has been extremely difficult for me. Financially I'm destroyed, emotionally I'm crippled, and physically I just can't seem to function properly anymore. I'm not happy, and I haven't been for a long time.

Please do not take any of this personally. I, of course, will ALWAYS be here for any and all of you. If you really need to talk and know I'll get it (Matt) ... I'm here. If you want to stop by and say hi (Katie)... you know where I live. If you just think of something that will make me laugh (Nikki) .. I would love to hear it. Or really need the house cleaned (Alex and Jon) before the health department condemn your place, let me know. But I can not fix your problems or make them my own anymore. 30 years of that have made my body and mind that of a 60 year old. I'm literally falling apart and if you want to keep the Dawn you know and I hope love, I will need every bit of encouragement as possible to keep me on the right track to make sure I don't have my first stroke at 37 like my father.

Trust me when I say this was a rough decision to make. Taking control of your life never is... Not to mention the rough road I'll be taking for the next 12 weeks. I will slip, I will probably fall right on my face a few times though it. I just hope at the end of it all, you'll all still be there and really encourage me to go in the right direction. ... my God I sound like I'm going into rehab!

I'm still 'Just Dawn', I'm still going to pop in to see you from time to time...you are all like family (or are family for that matter). I thrive on the social setting surrounded by those I love the most (all of you) ... it would be impossible for me not to speak with you all or disappear off the planet, you just won't see me as often. With the holidays coming anyway you'll barely even realize I'm gone :) Although if you want to buy me some wicked presents I'm all about it...

Ok, I'm done. If I have ALREADY made plans with you before I made this decision (Jon Anderson I will still try and get us in for Crystal Method, Jimmy I'm still coming to visit!) I will live up to my obligations to you. Otherwise, I hope you'll throw me an email, or a text, or even a phone call from time to time and say hi. (by the way, I somehow left my phone at home today)

Happy Holidays to all of you, I wish the best to you and your families. If I don't have your address I'll need it soon for Christmas cards! See you all sooner than later, or around Valentines day...

Love,

Dawn

I LOVE this new Kayne....

Everyone's been there at least once. Or I like to think I'm not the only one anyway.


I’m not loving you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know
Never, never know
Never know enough
Til it’s over love
Til we lose control
System overload
Screamin no no no no no

I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool
So I keep it true
I got something to lose
So I gotta move
I can’t keep myself
And still keep you too

So I keep in mind
When I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home
In the danger zone
How many times did I tell you
‘fore it finally got through
You lose you lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
See I had to go
See I had to move
No more wastin’ time
You can’t wait for life
Were just racin’ time
Where’s the finish line

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I’ve been no one new
I got no one new
No I said I’m through
But got love for you
But I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

Gotta keep it going
Keep the lovin’ going
Keep it on a role
Only god knows
If I’ll be with you
Baby I’m confused
You choose, you choose

I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to
Where I want to go
I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road
Too many times before
I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to

You lose
You lose
You lose
You lose

Who had a good weekend?

Go ahead guess?

Ok, ok, it was me. After running a fever from late Thursday into Friday I wasn't sure it was going to be all that great of a weekend, but it turned out perfect.

Saturday Erich came over with his daughter, who painted me a picture I'm now using as fridge art. She was too cute and so well behaved the whole day! Normally taking kids to the city can be one of two things. Totally scary and horrendous, or fun exciting and enlightening. It was defiantly the latter.

Iz pointed out things only a child would notice since lets face it we adults don't see the obvious anymore. She walked all over Michigan Ave and State Street. We went to Lego Land, the Disney store, the Sears Tower, and even to lunch. It was fun to catch up with Erich, get to know his daughter, and the weather was PERFECT that day.

By the time the day was over, we had one tired girl on our hands. I drove down Lake Shore Drive to show the sights and sounds of the lake shore like Navy Pier's Ferris wheel lit up at night. Erich and I ended up at Friday's across from my house with a little girl all curled up in the booth sleeping off the day. Really I couldn't have asked for a better day. My legs hurt the next day, but no pain no gain really :)

Sunday was another good day. I got to take my kiddies out. Kayleen needed a homecoming dress and who better to take her than Aunt Dawn. Since my brother and sister in law were at work, I got Zach and Emma too. Nothing like taking a 9 year old boy and a baby dress shopping let me tell you. I eliminated the outlet mall after 45 minutes of hooker dresses made of paper I think and shoved all the kids back into the car and sped off to Vernon to a REAL mall.

All I can say is ONE STORE!! That's it! 10 dresses max tried on and one she fell in love with. Honestly it fit her like a glove! Funny thing is she thought her dress was going to be like $150, NOT in my presence! The dress was marked from $80 to $39.00, and when we got to the register, it rang up for $25! HOLLA! With the necklace and earring she got she spent a total of $40.00, all she needs now is shoes and undies. I'm good at this. :)

Good thing too cause I was LOSING the 9 year old and 16 month old FAST. I treated Zach to a sundae at McDonalds for being so good on our way to my Aunts house for lunch. I gotta tell you though, after all that, by 430, I was DONE! My immune system isn't all back up to par and I ran like the dickens for 2 days straight!

Monday my trainer called me, guess what? He has the flu! It's going around I suppose. He asked if we could start on Monday the 6th instead, although I could feel free to get my butt to the gym myself. Well, yesterday I went and chopped all my hair off (ok not all of it but a good 6 inches) and went to look for a dress for the weddings I have the next few weekends. So...no gym for me. Tonight, I'm having dinner with Beccathena, well possible dinner. If not, I'm attempting the gym instead. I am still fighting this cold/flu thing I have so who knows how long I'll be there, but here's to hoping :)

GET EXCITED!!

Guess what starts for me again on Monday? No no...guess...it's BOOT CAMP TIME!!

This time not so 7 days a week since I have WAY too much going on in the month of October. Weddings, Becky coming into town, family days on Sundays it's just too complicated to commit to 7 days a week and get all my other things done. You know like laundry and cleaning the house....

My schedule will go like this...

Monday - 1 hour of pure hell (if not more since it's an early day at work an my buddy knows it)

Tuesday - 1/2 hour strength training (which if you know me you know I SUCK at doing unless someone makes me)

Wednesday - 1 hour cardio easily enough

Thursday - 1/2 hour strength training

Friday - 1 hour of pure hell (if not more since it's my day off)

I'll be taking Saturdays and Sundays off for the time being since I have work and weddings and Stan's 20th reunion coming up. Sundays are family days since my Aunt has been going downhill quickly since the cancer reached her lymphnoids ... sigh.

But what better time huh? It's not going to be easy at all, but I started this once I can end this now. I was doing really well until my friend moved to Cali and I cut my hand open. (Excuses, excuses) Well, he's back for 2 months for work, and he's willing to get me back into the swing of things if I'm willing to do the work.


Wish me luck. :)

So...where've I been?

I've always said one of these days I'm going to write a book since my life is a walking comedy tour from time to time, but last weekend I ACTUALLY started writing.

From what I hear it takes like 2 to 3 years to write a book so we'll just see what happens. We all know my writing is sporadic to say the least but I got through about five chapters on Sunday. Three of which I've already tweaked.

But here's the taste in case you were curious:



Every girl grows up with the same dream. Fall in love, get married, have kids. Somehow it's ingrained into us from day one with movies like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Fall in love, get married, have kids.

What they forgot to mention in ALL of those fairy tales, the horrible, time consuming, emotional roller coaster that is called dating.

Some people are very lucky. They meet and date a few people in life before they fall blissfully in love. Fairy tale ending and all. Others, well, we're still trying. Kissing one frog after another in the scum filled dating pool.

Now I'm the self proclaimed queen of bad dating, and I can tell you where it all began.

Behind the woods of my house with a boy, Jimmy, that lived on the next block from me. I think I was in the second or third grade. Innocent, sweet, and quick as hell!

My first kiss.

I don't remember the moments that lead up to that kiss, or even the moments after, but I remember the kiss. The beginning of my life long career of liking and/or meeting the wrong men in life. Sure, we all have our stories. Bad dates, horrible boyfriends, the one that 'got away', but mine are doies.

Hilarious, funny, tragic, mortifying my dating life could be described as SO many things. Good on the other hand isn't one of them. I've met some wonderful people along the way, learned some lessons, had some real fun. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade right? But I never thought for a moment life would hand me 30 and single.

I figured if I had to go through this much bad there must be something really great at the end. There had to be! RIGHT?! It's in the plan, fall in love, get married, have kids! Didn't they know the plan?

I know, in 2008 being 30 and single isn't so surprising or unheard of. At least that's what they tell me anyway, but I'm beginning to think there's a list of quotes people get handed when you move into a certain age group you suddenly need something to tell your single friends.

"Stop looking, it always happens when you least expect it.", or "It'll happen for you one day."

My personal favorite, "You're such an independent women, men your age are just intimated by that. They'll come around someday."

Seriously, these are the most annoying things to say to a single girl. I'd much rather hear "If you lost 20 pounds, maybe you'd stand a chance." It would sting a lot less.

So my question is, after that first kiss, do you pick your path? Do you made a choice at that fork in the road that either leads you into the direction of a life of marriage, white picket fence and 2.5 kids or the direction of broken hearts, dirty sex, pints of ice cream and lots of empty bottles of wine?

So..what's going on?

Basically not much.

I had my 'day of doctors' the other day. First up every girls favorite yearly visit...The OGBYN. I love mine. I've been going there for 15 years pretty much and every time I go he makes me laugh so hard. Of course he always gives me the 'Dad lecture' about safe sex which is always fun but then there was this conversation:

Doctor: Ok, scoot down here a bit, well your cervix looks awesome.

Me: Did you just describe my cervix as 'awesome'?

Doctor: I believe I might have.

Me: I believe I'm going to have to put that on my resume.

Most would be put off by these things, I personally thought it was hilarious and felt the need to call Nikki when I left.

Then I went to my new PCP (primary care physician). It was my first time meeting him and I've been through a couple of doctors in the last few years TRYING to find one that will listen to me about my issues so I was a little sceptical. Alex goes to the same doc and seems to really like him so I gave it a shot.

I LOVED him. While I sat and went on and on about my problems with anxiety and sleep and blah blah blah, I actually started to cry. Surprisingly enough, then he did too! Not sobbing tears, but tears....I was shocked and slightly thrilled.

Why thrilled? Because it meant for the first time a doctor is ACTUALLY listening to me about my issues. Instead of handing me a number for a shrink he sat and talked to me about what we could do to fix it. Step by step, not all at once.

To be honest I'm a little scared....scared this is literally going to cost me a fortune I won't be able to afford and then the help will stop AGAIN before it even gets started. He gave me a script for sleep meds, and apparently I need more sun cause I have a vitamin D and K deficiency, but I can't afford to fill the script or get any vitamins till Wednesday when I get paid, so technically Thursday. I figure I don't go back in till a week from Friday so I suppose being a few days behind isn't so bad. We'll see....

On a happier note, I've decided to go running after work a few nights a week that I get off at a decent hours. There's an awesome park by me for it so I'm kinda killing 2 birds with one stone. Weight loss and vitamins (from the sun of course)





I also found out a friend of mine (Mike) is coming home from Iraq in August, WooT! (I also discovered I can chat with him online so that's been my laughter for this evening...Thanks Mike.)...com'n ladies he likes long walks on the beach AND spooning!!






Also my friend Eric is coming home from Iraq in October. From the looks of it, him and his wife might start trying for a family then! I'm thrilled! They will be such great parents.





My sister is due with Cody in Cali any minute now...ok 6 days, but it's her second, so I say any day now. Since Mike and Mer are the best parents I know they will do amazing with their family of soon to be 4 so I'm doing a little happy dance for them!(she will kill me for this pic though)





The little sis, Becky, will be coming in from the west coast too in October for a wedding. Guess who's going to be her date so I can spend some time with her? ME!! YIPPEE!!! I can hardly wait! At least at this wedding she can drink legally! :)

Other than that, life is a little boring. I'm working and living as much as possible, and for the most part, I can't ask for much more than the great friends and family I've got! Lucky girl I am...and Mike just named me the most beautiful girl on myspace **cough..LIAR..cough** but it's a title I'll gladly hold (since it was an awesome compliment) until someone tries to take it from me. Mike, I've been meaning to ask. Where's my crown and sash? Do we have to 'fight' again?

LOVE IT....

You know me I love controversy ... drama, no ... but anything against the 'norm' hell yes!

(really what is normal anyway? And who had the right to say it was?)

That's another WHOLE blog..

This one about the Katy Perry song 'I kissed a girl' I love that song, brings me back to my early 20's and bad girl times with Beth...the video was very Dita Von Teese to me too.

Then I found this remix today! By KhaK Black, he remixes his own shots in with the original video, and it's to say the least ... HOT!! Loves it.. NOT for those who don't like the song; or seeing hot women make out in lingerie.

I'm sharing!


By the way, I'm still not gay doesn't mean I don't know hot when I see it.