Quote of the day...

Let me set you up first. I wear a radiation badge at work due to the fact that I work in a dental office that takes Xrays several times a day....while playing with the ID badge my co-worker says....

Co-worker: So do you think being exposed to all this radiation will prevent us from having kids someday?

Me: I'm pretty sure my sex life is what's preventing me from having children so I'm ok with the radiation at this point.

A little something

So I know everyone and their brother is commenting on this whole Health Ledger death thing, but I wanted to throw a little something out there.

I myself am looking at this in a whole different light than most. I myself have been struggling with insomnia and sleep deprivation for as long as I can remember. It's called restless mind syndrome and it's a living hell. When you finally get the chance to lie down and relax, your brain won't shut off. There's no rhyme or reason as to why, it just doesn't. My brain work more and longer in a night than it does in a full work day.

There's no switch to through, or special meditation, or magic pill to take, it just something you have to learn to live with. Since I've had it for so long, I myself have learned to cope. I did have some pretty scary instances, even a hospital stay due to my NEED to sleep. I even took too many sleep meds myself before. NOT because I wanted to die, just because I wanted my brain to shut off for a few hours so I could get some much needed rest.

Have you ever not gotten enough sleep at night and wandered around in a sort of 'fog' of caffeine and grogginess the next day. Do you think you make clear and rational decisions in that state? Well image spending EVERYDAY in that state for month or in my case YEARS on end. It's a challenge to get through everyday, well now it's a lot better than it used to be mostly because I'm learning how to get through the days and nights better. Some nights are good, I don't wake up every 20 minutes, I sleep more than 2 hours. Some are worse, I stay awake for 24 to 48 hours at a time wishing for my body just to give out and let me get just 10 minutes. It's a guessing game though. I never know what it's going to be like. It's my own personal hell, and that's probably why I have so much self loathing, too much self reflection.

Regardless, I consider myself lucky. Lucky I know what my problem is, and how to have learned self control. Heath Ledger wasn't so lucky, in his state of mind, he thought taking a mix of prescription drugs and OTC sleep meds would be helpful to him. I don't think for a second he wanted to leave his daughter and this world at such a young age with nothing but the world at his feet. My heart goes out to his family and friends, and especially that little girl of his. Hopefully this is a wake up call for all those people who suffer like I do. Don't try and solve your problems with 'magic pills' it just won't work, there's no such thing. Learn to live life the best you can with your disease, trust me it's the only thing that you can do.

Starting new for 2008

For me 2007 could not have ended fast enough.

From day one of this year it's been all down hill. NYE was the day after my best friends wedding and after driving for what seemed like 10 hours, I was home long enough to change my clothes eat a quick as hell dinner and out the door again to go out with friends that wouldn't take no for an answer.

It was fun for the most part....a bit of drama but nothing too big. And then the year got off to it's shitty start.

I had been unhappy at my job for a while by the new year, but I really didn't see me doing anything about it. Really, how and when would I find time to find a new job, and lord knows I can't be without one. For me it just kept getting worse and worse. I started to feel more worthless in my daily life.

Let's face it, I don't have a husband, boyfriend, kids or much of a life so my job means everything to me. I define myself by what I do everyday, and everyday I was slipping into a deeper and deeper depression brought on by a corporation that didn't deserve my dedication. By July, I decided to take control of my life again, little did I know, I was going to spin myself into a downward spiral of depression, self loathing and chaos.

So far in 2007 I had a total of FIVE jobs! North American, Santa's Best, TMP, Power Plate, and Northfield Labs. That's more jobs in 5 months than I've had in 10 years. I thought I was depressed and self loathing before, after all that I couldn't even begin to tell you how much I just wanted to jump off a bridge.

So when I got the position at Northfield Labs, I knew it was temporary, but I also knew I really needed to start 2008 on a better foot than I did 2007. I made the mistake of living off my credit cards for the months that I was on and off work. Not the smartest thing I've ever done, but at the moment I had no choice, or at least I didn't feel like I did. I hid a lot of my problems from my family and friends, I already felt like a loser, I didn't need anyone else to SHARE it with me. Well when I started at Northfield I though the least I could do is to try and head in a better direction....so I took some steps.

First of all I admitted I was in over my head. Sound silly? Well, it's an important step to take. It's like admitting your and alcoholic...you just have to get over that denial your putting on yourself.

Next, I figured out HOW much debt I was in, and then did a LOT of research and found a credit counseling service that helped me consolidate my debt.

Last, I found a new full time job. Northfield ended their temp position with me 2 months sooner than they told me. So the day before Christmas weekend, I was jobless again. I spent the next 5 days sitting on my computer sending out my resume to about 60 places. It was, to say the least, tiring! But it paid off. I had a few great interviews and was offered two positions. One was for a software company being a sales assistant, the other an office manager for a dental practice. While one offered me a considerable amount of money more than the other, I decided to go with the dental practice.

Why you may ask? Well, money doesn't make the world go round....at least I don't think it does. As much as I could use some right now, I took a few jobs this year with the promise of more money ... and look where it got me. Plus, I left a large corporation because I didn't like the way I was treated, I figure in this small practice, I can be treated like an individual and appreciated for my ability. 5 years from now I could be in a position to help him open a larger practice and I'm pretty happy to be in the place that I am. The money isn't so bad that I couldn't survive...so why sacrifice happiness for cash? I decided against it. I've been there a week and so far so good. I'm pretty content.

Now, that was my 'job life' of 2007 as for the rest of my life? Well, it's pretty uneventful. I had a few dates before the new year, some good, some god awful horrible. *note to future dates, please don't do stupid things like talk about my rack, invite me to 'spend the night' because you feel I've had too many (aka 3 drinks in 5 hours), point out my flaws, or order dinner for me....it's not good...not good at all.* I was feeling a little bad about my situation so I don't think my heart was all into the dating thing when I attempted to per sue it. The good dates ended up being very cool guys, but I just wasn't all there for them...so pretty much I'm still really bad at dating.

I did get into touch with some old friends...and I'm thankful for it. Very thankful. My friends have been the little bit of joy and happiness in my life lately. They are there when the jobs, my self esteem and the money isn't, thank god.

So more than ever I was glad I got to end 2007 and begin 2008 with a new job, a few new/old friends, and the building back of my self esteem. Who knows, by the next new year, I could be a whole new woman....

doubt it :)

What works for you....

I hate to say it, but this day and age everyone believes they're way is the right way. I've got news for you, what works for you may not work for everyone.

I've run into a lot of people lately trying to give me a lot of unsolicited advice. It's kind of annoying. People all make mistakes, some of us make more....but those mistake are what make us the people we are today. I know for sure I'm not very good at the 'personal decision making' as of late, but unless I ASK for your advice, please ... keep it to yourself.

I find it kinda cute and hilarious that the people giving me the advice are people who have either: 1, come from a family with more money than the Hiltons 2, never had a REAL problem in their lives 3, are complete hypocrites with their own advice or my favorite 4, just plain searching for my gossip to make themselves feel better about their pathetic lives. Note to number four, I can actually SEE you when you're rolling your eyes.

We all have problems people, the best growing experiences for all of us is digging through the trenches to get ourselves out of them. We get a little wiser, we grow up a little more, and it makes us look forward to what the future might bring.

The world has been more than trying my patience this year; as far as I know it really can't get any harder unless I'm living out of my car. Frankly I know too many people for that to actually happen. I'm looking forward to the new start; by the end of 2008 maybe I'll have a lot more figured out.

So that being said, here's my toast to the new year....

Here's to turning 30 in less than 3 months! May my 30th year be the start of something wonderful.

Here's to my family (including my friends which are the family I choose) for listening, loving, and understanding that sometimes I need to fall on my face HARD to be able to find the stubbornness inside myself to keep going.

Here's to those people who give me the unsolicited advice, may you find your advice to me more helpful to yourself, since I choose not to give up on myself.

Here's to you, yes you. You've been through your own difficulties this year, congrats for making it through them, in one piece on both feet, trucking along like the trooper you are.

Here's to me, for discovering ... me.

Good riddens 2007 ... Bring it on 2008, I think this year, I just might win.

Posted elsewhere, moving here...Happy Holidays

I'm not even sure who's going to take the time to click here...it's such a generic headline, but I'm a little bored at work so I thought I'd spill a little....

The holiday season is upon us yet again ladies and gentleman, and I use those terms loosely knowing who's on myspace . It seems like only yesterday I was frantically getting myself together to do a million and a half things in just a few days, see friends, drive to the families house, white trash bar hop and drive to go to Eric and Jen's wedding in St. Louis. Has it ALREADY been a year? Is that possible?! But yes my dears it has.

This year is a little quieter for me. The family is going up to our vacation home; I'm unable to get off work to join them. My roomie is going to Vegas to visit her Dad, so this year, it's just Dawn. (and not in the nickname sense either).

I'm slightly looking forward to a little quiet time. This year has been rough for me. I've done a lot of soul searching, made some major decisions and came to some conclusions in my life, for me this was a LONG time overdue. I keep saying I'm doing it, but don't...or put it off. This time...I took the steps.

Over the last year I really settled into myself emotionally. I'm more 'centered' emotionally than I ever have been in my life. I finally have a grasp as to what I want to accomplish both professionally, romantically, and personally. I know ME better than I ever have in my life. Granted, I'm not real HAPPY with me, but I know me. Anyone who has ever hit his spot in their lives knows what I'm talking about.

I am flawed....majorly and unforgivably flawed. I pick the wrong men to get into relationships with, and I let the potential 'right' one's slip through my fingers. I over eat when I'm bored...what I love to cook. I overextend myself....mainly paying for others, I love to treat people...instead of myself. I'm horrible at calling people back and 'keeping in touch' .. I'm working on it, slowly. I can't seem to 'open' myself up to the people I should, I keep it bottled up inside, or I just cry at night...why? Well in fear of that feeling of failure, I've never been one to ask for help even when I need it and even though I know I could.

Funny, the more you can sit down and name your flaws, the more you’re 'ok' with them. It's like fear, once you've looked it, faced it, it's not a fear anymore. Well, for me it was LONG overdue. I'm 29, not 18...but some of us fall harder than others don't we? By no means am I a giant fuck up...I'm just me...flaws and all and hell ... I kinda like me. If you don't...bounce :)

So, how did I get here you ask? It's a lot less complicated than you think. I evaluated what I didn't like and I changed it. I hated how badly my job treated me, I left. I didn't like the way some 'friends' were treating me, I cut them out of my life. I don't like my financial situation; I took the steps towards freedom. I don't like sitting in the back seat watching people get walked on; I started speaking up....more anyway. There are some things I can't control....dating for example. I can't make the perfect guy fall in my lap, but I sure can try to stop 'falling' for the wrong ones.

I'm content with being single, never actually really bothered me. I'm not incomplete when I don't have a boyfriend; I'm more of myself without one. Would I LIKE to get married and have kids someday....maybe. If it's not in the 'plan' for me will I be devastated and feel empty? No. The two men I always told I was going to just marry someday and get it over with, well they are both happily married now, and I'm THRILLED for them. The one guy I can look back and say I should've given a chance and I could possibly BE married now, well, I was a mean selfish bitch to that someone. Years later, I apologized, but sometimes it's a 'too little too late' kind of situation. If I wouldn't have been such a stubborn ass, maybe I'd be in a different spot in my life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason though. Que Sera Sera right?

Needless to say, I'm SO ready to KICK THE HELL out of 2007 and welcome 2008. With this new 'perspective' and positive out look, I should be heading in a really fantastic direction, and I have some wonderful people to join me....I heart my friends and family.

So, to all of you out there. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry/Happy Kwanzaa...Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays....and all that fun stuff. I wish you all the best for your lives and the up coming year, may it be insightful and expiring to you and the people in your life. Remember, no one is perfect, embrace your flaws and go with it....we're all going to die someday and it's better if we do it happy and with our hearts full of love.

Love you all....see you in 2008 (If not before)

I just realized

I have stupid expensive taste.

I've been wanting a right hand ring for my 30th, I figure if I'm not going to get diamonds from a man, I might as well buy them myself. I've been looking for a while. Of course...it always comes back to Tiffany's style.....these are the three I love. If I could find imitations that were REAL silver, white gold, or better yet platinum, I'd get them....

Keep your eyes peeled for me.

I feel better

I already reported them to the Department of Labor AND the BBB. But writing this on Ripoff Report.com made me feel so much better. Sad part, it's not even the HALF of it.

Where to begin. I worked for TaylorMade Promotionz, which is in the same office as PPI, or Powerhoutz. I have never been so angry to accept a job in my life!

It wasn't the lying on the phone or physical interview, it wasn't the 10 people in the same office to interview for the same job, it was the FALSE promises they made me just to say yes to the job in the first place. I actually GAVE UP another good job opportunity to go to TMP/PPI. I liked the high energy, the unusual office environment and the girl I interviewed with and I had a lot in common. First thing I said to her when we discussed me taking the job was...if this is a pyramid scam, I'm going to kill you. She assured me it wasn't.

Other things I was assured? That this was NOT commission. (it is...FULLY & you split it with the other person your on site with) that there would be insurance provided (there is NO insurance, they give a line about all the paper work that is to be filled out, but never ACTUALLY give you the paperwork) my fellow co-worker was even told that insurance was free, paid for by TMP. Another lie. There would be reimbursement for expenses, by that they mean, file it on your taxes at the end of the year as a business expense.

In 6 weeks I was sent to so many places they claimed to have 'events' set up in and when we got there they had NO clue as to who we were nor did they know we were going to be selling anything. Real professional. Oh, did I mention the illegal act of 'parking lot' pitching they would encourage you to do DAILY. I don't know how many times I had to 'talk' my way out of being arrested.

Between bad directions, information, shotty merchandise, and poor explanation your expectations...I was left several GRAND in debt. Yes, I did say grand. Between using my credit cards to pay for gas (filling up 2 to 3 times WEEKLY), food (I worked from 730am to 730 to 9pm), merchandise my leader convinced me to buy and get rid of later (don't get me started) I had to use them to pay my rent, phone bill, electric bill, and everything else that was due because I made a whole $500 that MONTH and just barely.

If that wasn't bad enough I you are talked to like a 3 year old in the office daily. Thanks, I don't need a 20 year old telling me how 'bad' the corporate world is...he's never been in it! I have news for them...'I've got goals' and they may not be as 'Juicy' as you think your life with Quantum or Innovage will be, but they are realistic. I laugh at 'Billy Houtz' re-buttle to these posts.

Billy, why don't you explain how 'believing' in this business cost you custody of you CHILD. I don't know anything that would be more important than my own flesh and blood. I almost lost a relationship with my own family because of this job. I not only couldn't talk to them, but trying to explain what I did and why I kept having to borrow money?! Oh wow, not good.

Worst thing is...the only reason I left, one I was getting a real impression that they weren't giving the CPEA as much as they said they were, was because I got ill....REALLY ILL. Did anyone care to give me a call and check on me? Yeah right. I actually ended up going to the hospital, well there's more debt for you.

Stay away, stay FAR away. It was a lot of speed talking, empty promises and people who really know how to make you feel like a giant piece of ...well you know. Funny, I was told I was the protégé of the place too...imagine what you would be treated like if you weren't! I believe you could probably go far in this company IF you were the Katie Taylor/Larissa Hawley's of this world that came from very rich families that could support you while you were trying to 'build your business'. As far as I know, I, nor anyone else at TMP/PPI could actually live off the paychecks, why do you think most of the people at PPI live in the same place called, 'Peddlers Pad'. Think twice before you get caught up.

Everyday N and I ask ourselves....WHAT WERE WE THINKING!!