A little something

So I know everyone and their brother is commenting on this whole Health Ledger death thing, but I wanted to throw a little something out there.

I myself am looking at this in a whole different light than most. I myself have been struggling with insomnia and sleep deprivation for as long as I can remember. It's called restless mind syndrome and it's a living hell. When you finally get the chance to lie down and relax, your brain won't shut off. There's no rhyme or reason as to why, it just doesn't. My brain work more and longer in a night than it does in a full work day.

There's no switch to through, or special meditation, or magic pill to take, it just something you have to learn to live with. Since I've had it for so long, I myself have learned to cope. I did have some pretty scary instances, even a hospital stay due to my NEED to sleep. I even took too many sleep meds myself before. NOT because I wanted to die, just because I wanted my brain to shut off for a few hours so I could get some much needed rest.

Have you ever not gotten enough sleep at night and wandered around in a sort of 'fog' of caffeine and grogginess the next day. Do you think you make clear and rational decisions in that state? Well image spending EVERYDAY in that state for month or in my case YEARS on end. It's a challenge to get through everyday, well now it's a lot better than it used to be mostly because I'm learning how to get through the days and nights better. Some nights are good, I don't wake up every 20 minutes, I sleep more than 2 hours. Some are worse, I stay awake for 24 to 48 hours at a time wishing for my body just to give out and let me get just 10 minutes. It's a guessing game though. I never know what it's going to be like. It's my own personal hell, and that's probably why I have so much self loathing, too much self reflection.

Regardless, I consider myself lucky. Lucky I know what my problem is, and how to have learned self control. Heath Ledger wasn't so lucky, in his state of mind, he thought taking a mix of prescription drugs and OTC sleep meds would be helpful to him. I don't think for a second he wanted to leave his daughter and this world at such a young age with nothing but the world at his feet. My heart goes out to his family and friends, and especially that little girl of his. Hopefully this is a wake up call for all those people who suffer like I do. Don't try and solve your problems with 'magic pills' it just won't work, there's no such thing. Learn to live life the best you can with your disease, trust me it's the only thing that you can do.