The Overnight

Way back in March 15, 2009 after a night of St. Patty's day celebrations while slighting hungover and waiting for the El I saw a poster for The Overnight and felt strangely and instantly compelled to participate.

A few days later I was all signed up, donation email and letters sent and my butt was now in the gym pretty consistently instead of as sporadically as before.

As some of you may know I have struggled with demons in my head as long as I can remember. My junior year of high school I spent time in a mental ward. I know those people were supposed to be there to 'help' me, it just seemed they were there to cash a pay check. As soon as my insurance ran out....they were gone and here I was with a prescription for Prozac, a lost identity, and a world I didn't even know anymore.

There were many MANY times in my life I would have loved to have just ended it all. The panic attacks, the non-ability to voice what was wrong, the over analyzing of everything I did or said in life. It was a very lonely place filled with deep bought of depression, suicidal thoughts, and the loss of all hope in yourself.

Recently my insurance company decided to drop me from my health insurance plan. The reason? My anxiety medication. What happened then was that I had to cut off my medication cold turkey. When it comes to mood altering drugs, this isn't safe, healthy or even rational, but I didn't have a choice in the matter. Sounds funny but when it happened it just made me more determined to do this walk so other people won't have to suffer through what I'm going through.

I'm by far not suicidal. I rarely get depressed. I have panic attacks. I live in fear of freaking out basically. My mind doesn't shut down, it's in constant 200 mph. Living like this isn't fun, and it IS an illness, just like cancer or heart disease, except this one isn't as widely accepted by people, some doctors, and insurance companies. (Hence decision to do the walk in the first place)

After spending the entire day Saturday pretty much in tears, part of the panic disorder is I always think I'm not prepared so I OVER prepare, I drove myself to the south side of the city to start this little challenge for myself.

Thanks to Jill who saved me a parking spot by her building so I didn't have to pay for parking I walked over the 18th street bridge to find the festivities in full effect. Teams of people everywhere telling their stories, wearing team t-shirts with loved ones lost on them. Honor beads were being handed out, each color symbolizing something different. Loss of a loved one, sibling, parent, spouse, or even a personal struggle. One of the first people I saw there was wearing a shirt that read "I'm walking today for me...I'm still here!" which made me want to hug him. Illumination bags were being decorated and the staff there were wonderful and kind.

I took a spot off to the side in some shade and just took it all in for a moment. I was feeling a lot more overwhelmed than I thought I'd feel. Somehow when your surrounded by people who all know what your going through, it just seems really emotional.

The opening ceremonies began at 7pm and I did cry hearing the stories of so many others. Shortly before they began, I met two wonderful ladies so when it was time to walk, we went together. The first few miles were a breeze, between us talking and not trying to run into a million tourists out ... it seemed like nothing to it.

The next few miles is when it started to rain, but somehow we got really lucky cause it stormed here in the burbs. All we got was some nice sprinkling and wind to cool us down, trust me we needed it. It was even fun to have a native Rhode Islander see a beach across from a skyscraper for the first time. Even at night in Chicago it's hot and humid in the summer. By mile 8, my feet were sure starting to feel it. After a sock change, some friction protector, and some stretching, we were off again.

Now in case you don't know, the Overnight is where you walk literally through Chicago at night. Of course being Saturday night in the city, there bars were hopping and the drunks were out. Somewhere around this time is when some douche bag (not Jon Anderson this time) asked if he could get some beads if he showed me his cock....ummm...LADIES PRESENT. So I informed him I didn't bring my magnifying glass and kept trucking. And some bitch in a dress that LITERALLY I saw her the bottom of her ass hanging out of bitching about how she has to share the sidewalk with us. Sorry we're working your corner here sweets but we got a purpose in mind.

For every douche bag/bitch out there though there were the amazing moments where you'd go to cross the street and some volunteer would thing you or start cheering for you. Or you'd round the corner and you'd have a group of people just cheering you on thanking you, high fiving you pushing you to that next mile. The fricken Girl Scouts were there! It's a feeling I can't even begin to describe and it just helped push you on.

Mile 10ish, is the midnight snack. Sandwiches, chips, pasta salad, brownie and drinks...after sitting for about 15 we couldn't sit anymore otherwise we would have never gotten back up. Now it's all downhill from here...or so you think. Even though there were fantastic workers in the bars and theaters around Lincoln Park and Old Town handing us water cheering us on thanking us, which was awesome...the rest was by far NOT downhill.

The distance between the midnight snack and the next rest area was (and I SWEAR TO IT) the longest distance on the whole event. It took forever to get there! By then your really feeling your blisters and now your making your way into the Loop. Right before the loop, we came to the rest stop. Mind you, me and my 'bathroom breaks galore' self has only gone once since I left my house. I'm so covered in sweat, who needs to pee! I just need some freaking Gatorade please!! I remembered me and my over preparedness had packed Advil, and the ladies and I decided this was the best idea of the day.

Last 4.5 miles at this point. The cheers have tapered off a bit...people were in the quitting stage...and trust me, the ladies and I were considering making it to the next stop and just calling it quits. Sounds silly but I think the Advil pushed us over the edge. My hip flexes weren't screaming as much, my feet were on fire but it was tolerable to an extent, we went RIGHT THROUGH the last rest area at Navy Pier in the push just to get DONE!! I could see Shedd Aquarium...I know Soldier Field is basically right behind there....I'm doing this!!!

As you round the bend to get to the final few steps there's a whole line of illumination bags lighting your way. Decorated in memory of for all of those lost. Not only had I made one for Ryan, the brother of a childhood friend, and Kurt, the frat brother of a dear friend of mine, but I had created one for Randy Pratt. I wrote the poem he wrote from me MANY years ago on it. Along with all these memories I had, I saw how so many others were touched. Between the loved one lost of one of the ladies I was with, and the father lost to the other...we all made it together trough the night and the last 18 + miles of pain, knowing we were all going to feel it in the morning, but we did it. That's when you see the finish line, with the hundreds of people the balloon arch and everyone cheering louder than I have ever heard cheering before, or at that moment to me it seemed anyway.

Approximately 6 hours and 10 minutes after it all began it was all over. Victory shirt in hand, and the though of crossing the 18th street bridge again terrifying (there's an incline) we had done it.

On my way home, I turned my phone back on and got wonderful texts from Jimmy, Mike and Liz encouraging me. Kivi texted me at 3:15am to tell me how proud he was of me. And Rob even called me at 4am to see if I was ok. I can honestly say 2 things. One, no one on the PLANET needed a shower more than I did when this was done. Two, the worst pain of all of this was getting out of my car after sitting for 45 minutes in the car. That 2 flights of steps to my apartment was torture.

Of course even my insomnia laughs in the face to a 20 mile walk. I went to sleep at 5am after a much needed victory beer, and was up again by 8am. Hip flexes were KILLING me, and my feet needed to be elevated. All in all though, I'm pretty sweet. :)

Crazy thing? Well one I have the need to go to the gym today, but the blisters on my heels are so swollen that I couldn't get my gym shoes on if I tried (and I did try). And two, I would do it again in a heartbeat. No question.

Saturday night into Sunday morning even though by the end of it I wanted to give the city the finger, it was by far one of the most rewarding, eye opening and amazing things I've every been apart of. The sense of accomplishment bay far out weighs the pain of the injuries. As so many were out getting wasted throughout the city, I was making a difference, even just a small one, in a cause that takes more lives every year than cancer. I feel very validated in my painful feet today....very very validated. I earned this monster blisters, and I did a damn good thing to get them.