Love me or Hate me...It's still an obsession

I always second guess myself.

ALWAYS.

I don't know why, but I believe it's hereditary personally. Even when I'm sure I said or did the right thing, I always wonder if I should have done it differently.

Even with the simple things like driving....should I have taken this way instead of that way? Or more complicated things like relationships....if I would have done this would the outcome of said relationship have been better?

Funny thing is, I always come to the same conclusion. Indifference.

Indifference is that spot where you kinda go "Eh, Whatever". I'm here aren't I? No one died, did they? Everyone still has their limbs, right? By this point you've asked yourself every dumb question in the book about what you could've, would've, should've done before you just numb yourself to the emotions and throw your white flag up moving yourself into indifference.

Years of going through the motions has done this to me. I have the motions down like Helen Keller and sign language. I just haven't taught my brain to jump straight to indifference yet. It's a strange place to care a lot for a very little amount of time.

No I'm not a cold hearted bitch. (or snake by Paula Abdul standards) I honestly can't STOP myself from caring about people from the get go. I'm a big ol' softie that way...but honestly I don't have time for your crap, I have enough of my own. So after my 48 hours of contemplation and a little self torture I'm done second guessing...I'm literally done. Call it a wall, call me jaded, call me a gypsy of emotions. Whatever you want to call it...I call it self preservation.

People to me are a constant challenge. Sometimes they disappoint you like the lack of prize in the cereal box. Sometimes they surprise you pleasantly like the $20 you found in your winter jacket.

For me after my little roller coast of second guessing and indifference, I'd rather be pleasantly surprised, so no offense I'll just keep you all down here on this really low step instead of hoisting you on the pedestal. Imagine how you could hurt yourself if you fell?! Or I kicked you off?! This is just safer, maybe here I can teach my brain how to just move straight to indifference, it just seems closer from here.