FANTASTIC!!

I have a 'friend' on MySpace that blogs these fantasticly funny blogs that literally make me laugh out loud.

This was the first paragraph of Officail DYNASTY's blog yesterday:

I'll get 2 up there out of the way quickly and relatively painlessly. Ladies, I am sure most of you have white pants. Don't wear them, honestly, ever. It is worse than wearing glitter, having your lower back tattooed, and holding a sign that says "HJ: $5". White pants = instaslut. Don't ask me to elaborate, just take my advice and run with it. Not that the girl behind me in line at Target would have done much for herself without the white pants, she had raccoon eyes and a tongue ring to go with her extra makeup, but the white pants just screamed "you can have my pussy, just buy me a drink and pretend you want to call me tomorrow."

First I'd like to point out he said it not me, but I thought it! 2nd, I don't own or never would own white pants, nor do I have a lower back tattoo or wear glitter...so therefore...THIS is pretty much what races through my head every time I see ANY of this stuff, that or women who insist thier underwear is 'club gear'. Oh how I love that other people write it for me :)

Perma headache

So basically the world likes to crash down on my shoulders ever dang chance it gets.

I went out of town for a few days, what a disaster! Pops got the flu, everyone turned into Captain Cranky Pants and basically I just couldn't wait to be home and in my own house.

So I thought anyway...

My car broke down yesterday. Literally my brakes are pretty much done, and I have to drive to Wisconsin tonight to drop it off. I'm so frustrated, I don't even want to type about it anymore..

GAH!....

Blah...

I've been feeling pretty blah the last few weeks.

I know, I know....I cut my thumb, then my niece went into the hospital with some mystery illness ... then the dreaded stealing of my identity. I mean really who would feel great after all that?

But honestly, I've felt worse than normal. I don't 'share' very well unless I'm playing Doogie Hoser and typing away in my "journal". I tend to smile and laugh, make jokes, tell people I'm fine, when in reality inside I'm screaming bloody murder. I cry in private and smile in public, it's a vicious cycle.

I found comfort in food again, not smart I know, but it was better than the alternative of climbing to the roof of my building and jumping off. Any progress I made with boot camp has faded. Which again, does not make me feel great. But, I making an effort in other ways. I won't go into detail, but change will be good.

I have decided to turn this negative into the most postive thing I can. I'm going out of town for the long weekend, a nice relaxing weekend in Chippewa at my house in Wisconsin. I'm going to be lazy and make my parents take me to the movies to see Indiana Jones (because I'm a ten year old boy apparently). When I get home..that's where the project to change begins.

Part of it I've already began and I'll tell you about later, but know I'm definatly trying to buck up and get on the right 'train' for once. Deep breath and wish me luck! Till then I hope to bring you some more 'fun' writings :)

Just when you thought...am I the only one?

Now maybe 7 people ACTUALLY read my blog so it really doesn't get out to the masses, but I love it when I read an editoral in the Sun Times and it pretty much sums up everything I'm thinking. Thanks Sun Times for this, it made me happy :)

Politicians should take credit for all of their great ideas

May 20, 2008Recommend (5)

Thank you, Gov. Blagojevich, for open road tolling. We know you're the man to thank because we can't drive down a toll road without seeing a big blue sign that says: "Open Road Tolling. Rod R. Blagojevich, Governor."

So, thank you.

Even if each of those 32 signs cost state taxpayers $15,000.

Even if ordinary road signs cost just $200.

Even if the Illinois House is full of rude meanies who don't appreciate what you've done or know enough to say so.

We do. We say, thank you.

What we don't understand is why the House passed a bill last week that would ban you and other statewide elected officials from putting your names on signs for state projects.

We think politicians should put their names on more things, not fewer, so we always know just who to thank.

When we get our property tax bills in the mail, for instance, it would be nice to find a little note included: "This property tax increase brought to you by Mayor Daley."

And when we stop at a 7-Eleven, it would enormously thoughtful to see a sign such as this at the counter: "Hope you enjoy the sales tax increase! Cook County President Todd Stroger."

Again, just to know who to thank.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/commentary/959258,CST-EDT-edit20b.article

Things you should never tell or do in front of a women....

Reveal how much your car cost. I'll be honest. I REALLY don't care; it doesn't make you cool to have an expensive car, or if you got a huge deal on in, all I care about is if it's going to get me to dinner without breaking down or am I going to have to push it in my new dress...end of discussion


Clean your gun. Don't laugh, this has ACTUALLY happened to me, MORE than once. Now, I have a huge fear of guns on top if it, I don't care if it's taken apart or put together, it's just going to send me into instant panic attack. Unless you're dating a firearms expert, keep your guns put away.


Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed). Personally, I'd like to go back into the past when I was skinny and display my Barbizon modeling certificate with pride, but let's start living in the future shall we?


Refer to your mother as your best friend. I love my parents too, but there are just something's you don't discuss with your parents, therefore they are NOT your best friend. They're your parents...there's a difference. If you are discussing last night's sexcapades with your mom, you need help. Get the phone book now and call a therapist.


Rap. STOP!!! PLEASE!! 'Nuff said.


Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter. I know there are girls out there that are hot, some of them I'll even point out if your lucky. But there in the distance or walking by or on TV, not the girl I work/live/or works for us. It's a little to close to home. Women can get territorial you know. All this makes me think is that your picturing her when we're having sex. Fine if you do it....I just really don't want to think or know about it.


Question our footwear. Only if you seriously WANT to get hurt will you ever question a woman's footwear. Even if we bitch about how much our feet hurt, I picked these beautiful creations to put on my feet because, well, LOOK at them they're fabulous! The only thing you should say about my shoes is, 'Damn, those look amazing!'


Blow-dry your hair. Men who 'manscape' are not manly.. at all. Especially men who 'blow dry'. You look pretty homosexual to tell you the truth and most of the gay men I know wouldn't blow dry. Stop, get a better haircut and STOP!


Tip less than 20 percent. Nothing says 'cheap bastard' like living the waitress/bartender 10%.


Celebrity impressions. I think this goes right along with the 'rapping'. No matter how good you think you are, you're not. We are not laughing with you, we are laughing directly at you and thinking...this man will never see me naked...ever!


Impressions of us. Unless for some reason you really want to get punched in the face, just shake his urge fast. You never know when we might be pre-mestral and actually throw you from a moving vehicle for such shenanigans.


Forget to carry cash. Annoying when you ask me out on a date, but I have to tip the valet, or pay for the parking, or worse... pay for dinner, because you couldn't take the 12 seconds to stop at the ATM and be prepared for the date. I'd rather you be 5 minutes late than look at me and ask for cash.


Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction. Honestly if you learned any kind of tact or manners growing up you should know better. Don't play with your balls in public. If you what to have 'man day' and you can all scratch your balls, adjust yourselves, and talk about you penis with each other, fine. The only time I want to know or think about your penis, is when it's about to satisfy me. Call me selfish, but it's true.


Wii. No man, no matter how cute, sexy or manly, looks cool playing Wii. You look like a moron, EVERYONE does! For that matter, leave the Guitar Hero at home too. You can't expect me to actually think...man what a rock star I can't wait to get in his pants, or God I've always wanted to do a baseball player/bowler. We're not fooled that easily my friend, really you just look like a moron with a controller/guitar jumping around acting the fool. This will never make woman swoon....unless she's into comic books and the Starship Enterprise.


Spit. Disgusting, nasty, gross, ewww....no matter how you say, it should never be done. I once had a guy try and spit past me, all he successfully did was spit on my feet..., and then I nearly vomited.


Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at the TV. Because, no matter how much it deserves it when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for. Short temper? You know I have one too, I AM a woman aren't I? Nevertheless, let's face it, no one likes to be yelled at, ever. When you loose it on the dog...or the valet, or the game...it just makes me think your going to talk to me like that. Or put me through wall...either way...it's not good


Talk about former exploits. Ever. I have former sexcapades as well...trust me if you don't want to hear the amazing blow job I gave to my ex; I don't want to hear about the acrobatic sex you had with yours.


Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man. As a woman, I'm totally allowed to use these words, and do on a daily basis. You however, are not. Mainly because I'm pretty sure the minute we have a fight or something happens your going to be saying the same thing about me....and right now, while you're trying to sleep with me, I don't want that image.


Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!) There are few, rare, almost non- existent moments when this is sexy, or hot. Life is not the 'Notebook'... it's actually much hotter when you just plant one on us when we least expect it. Live in the moment, don't plot your every more, you might be pleasantly surprised what we're capable of :)

All better! ... well sort of

So I'm finally all healed up in the 'thumb' department. It is going to be a mighty interesting scar I tell you.

FYI, don't cut yourself open with a serrated knife, it leaves nasty scars. Ok, really to be honest, don't cut yourself period, it's just not fun.

But if me cutting my hand open (a $664.00 visit to the hospital by the way) and my 11 month old niece being in the hospital for a week with a UTI that spread to her kidneys thanks to a crappy hospital that mis-diagnosed it, if all of that wasn't enough on my plate....

...I had my identity stolen.

OH YES!! Everyones worst fear happened to me (because honestly why wouldn't it!). Last Tuesday I spent the day crying my eyes out and attempting to make sense of why my bank account had now been cleared out. It still doesn't make sense in my head yet.

There is SO much to do when you get your identity stolen .. SO much!! I'm taking the best I can with one call at a time one piece of paper at a time and one nerve racking conversation at a time. What else can I do really?! I'm kinda borderline, slitting my wrists and ok to tell you the truth.

I have awesome friends and family that keep asking if I need help....my biggest problem is I don't even know how to begin to ask for it. I have bills that are due on Thursday and no real bank account right now. Yes, I HAVE 2 bank accounts, but one hasn't given me my money in full back yet and the other is only 'opened' not more the $100 in it. It's like the horrible limbo I'm in that feels HORRIBLE, most of the people I've talked to have been REALLY nice about the whole 'situation' I'm in and are being pretty lenient with me. To be honest though, it doesn't make this problem any better. Where are those sugar daddies when you need them huh?

Needless to say, I will be back in the 'disappear' stage for the next few month. Which truly sucks cause it's summer, but I need to get on track and I can't spend any money. NONE, I don't even know how I'm going to go grocery shopping at this point, but I'll work it out. I always do, I land on my feet somehow every time, but I'm sick of the 'testing' to see if I will. Good news is sense I'm all healed up, I'm back at the gym as of tomorrow....YEAH. I've kinda missed it.

Hopefully by the next time I'm able to leave the house, I'll be skinny :)

Be warned it isn't pretty....

My hand still hurts, and my right arm is killing me from a tetnus shot, but I survived! Here's the out come: