Liquid happiness

I went out last night, didn't ever really drink a lot ... but I have a GOD AWFUL hangover. So I'm going to nurse it with my favorite thing in the whole world...

Liquid happiness a.k.a. Bloody Mary

And one, two, three....one, two, three....

Oh I’m sure you’ve been sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for three haven’t you?

Yeah, I know better, you could care less, but I’m writing it anyway.

Third in my list of ‘New Years’ type resolutions are to do all those things I keep saying I’m going to do. I like going to the gym, why do I keep putting off going? How is it when I walk in the door every night I become the most ridiculously lazy person lately? My house isn’t even as clean as it usually is. Stupid depression. Funny thing is I’m not even that unhappy of a person; I just get home and instantly get lazy.

After next week, Thanksgiving that is. I’m back at the gym. I’m going to clean the heck out of my house hopefully this weekend since I don’t have any plans AND my roomie will be in Ohio for the weekend, most of all, I’m going to make those doctors appointments I’ve been putting off.

No one is going to make me a better me EXCEPT me. I could use a little encouragement, who couldn’t, but I need to accept the fact that it’s not going to change on its own. I’ve started taking my meds more regularly than the sporadic nature I did before. I made it part of my routine here at my new job, so might as well start making the gym and everything else in my life routine again too.

I’m looking forward to it; I really think I can get my life back on track for that ever faithful 30th birthday coming up. Hell, I work for a company that supplies exercise equipment now, it should be motivating! It’s been a long 2007 and 2008 should be a breeze if I put my mind to it. My life isn’t as bad as it could be; I still have a wonderful family, friends and a kick ass support system.

2008, heading toward a debt free, romantic, healthy year! GET EXCITED. (random foot step forward for Nikki)

And now, random text of the day!
I’ll give you TWO today.

Poco Noco aka Dave: 11/15/2007 10:54 am: I’m a REAL boy!

Timmy Nichols aka Timmy 2 Times: Sex is like eating at KFC, once you’re done nibbling on the breast and thigh; you have a nice greasy box to stick your bone in.

What a girl wants

I have spent the last several months trying to keep up with this blog, and failing miserably. I’m not sure anyone reads it anyway so it’s more of a ‘for me’ thing anyway. Lately I’ve been finding a lot of inspiration in my daily life I feel I should share with the internet, even if the internet isn’t paying attention.


So I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am and what I want out of my life lately. It happens when you have a lot of extra free time due to being jobless and sick. I’m not a materialistic person. I don’t expect a lot of praise and fame for the things I do. I just want to be happy in my life, and so far the last nearly 30 years have had very few and far between fleeting moments of happiness.

I honestly don’t believe for a second that there is one person on this planet that is happy all the time. Doesn’t matter if your rich in famous, or poor and lonely, everyone has something missing in their lives. For me I think I may have figured out what it is and now all it takes is taking the steps to work my way towards it.
What is this ‘list’ you may ask. Well, not all the things I can wave a magic wand to get, it’ll take time, not mention patience to get. First and foremost, the thing I’ve been working on for 5 years, but keep falling off the wagon with…

My debt. Every time I get a little upset or things are not working out for me, how do I fix it? Retail therapy. I admit it; I’m not even the junkie you think I am. I want shoes and clothes like the next girl, but my worst habit, eating out. Somehow treating myself to dinner doesn’t make me feel as bad as buying a pair of shoes. Mind you if I had the shoes I could wear them continuously and get some use out of the money spent. Nope not me, somehow I feel as though if I spend it on dinner and drinks somehow it ‘doesn’t count’. Guess what? It does... big time.

Then you loose your job, or in my case quit because my job was literally trying to kill me, and guess what you have to do? Live off your credit cards. Wow, you wouldn’t believe how quickly things add up when they’re all going on one card. Well, I do. So guess what?! After the 30th of this month, my first pay check for my new job, no more cards. I’m done. They are going AWAY and I’m only using them in an emergency. Emergency NOT being I want to go for dinner and I haven’t been out in a month, but emergency being I need gas to get to work tomorrow or my car breaks down. No using the card unless I at the very least pay ONE of them off. It’ll be my ‘mini’ celebration. I don’t know how I got myself in this mess, but one things for sure, I need out.

The only way that’s going to happen? Actually become as stubborn as I know I can be. I need to stop ‘covering’ for people and then not actually getting the money for it. Treating me to a $20 lunch does not make up for the $40 I spent on covering you last night. My friends don’t do it on purpose, I know they don’t. But honestly, when’s the last time I asked you to cover for me after the check came? Probably next to never.

Second, I need to stick to my guns about what I’m looking for in my next relationship. I tend to get ‘lonely’ and settle for men who only use me for what I can give them. I’m not even talking about just sex either. It’s always one of three things, they want me to be their rock, but they don’t want to be mine. Just a quick bit of fun in bed, or even worse, financial stability. I don’t know when I became a human ATM machine of sex and money but I’m not playing this game anymore. I’m bored with it. Lose my phone number if your looking to hook up, or you need and ‘advance’ until pay day, or even worse you somehow mistook me for your mother and want me to fix you problems daily.

Yes, I’m ok when it comes to finance. I can budget better than most, but I didn’t budget for you and I’m not going to. Granted I like a little fun once in a while when it comes to bed time endeavors, but I’m tired of all the fun with none of the romance. I may be a guy’s girl and like to sit and watch football and drink beer with you, but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be treated like a girl on occasion! It’s really not that much to ask for. I don’t want you to fall all over yourself treating me like a princess, cause frankly guys who do that and girls who think they deserve to be treated like that all the time make me physically ill. Literally.

But planning a special date or weekend on occasion. Surprising me with a love note or flowers you picked yourself. Or even just a random spontaneous burst of affection that literally takes me by surprise. It’s not too much to ask, and frankly I’m sick of making myself believe that it is. I’m going to hold out until I find it….face it, I’m not going to get any for a bit while I wait, but when I do….it’ll be worth it won’t it. I shouldn’t have to pretend that I don’t care if there’s romance in my life when I do. I REALLY do, I’m not settling for the alright relationship, I’m turning 30 in a few months and damn it I want and extraordinary relationship. I’ve done the single thing this long, I can hold out till it comes my way.

Third….well this post is getting long, so I’ll hold off on three until next time. Gives you something to look forward to.

Till next time, I’ll leave you with random text of the day.

Text from Nikki sent 11/12 1:06 a.m.: I need you to know that we were just pulled over for mooning while driving.

To be or not to be....

I always joke that I should write a book.

A book of the most ridiculous situations, conversations, and developments that happen in my life. My friend today proceded to tell me there could actually be a T.V. series based on my life, and you know what? I agree with him. I'm like my own walking sketch comedy.

This is an actual conversation I had on Sunday:

Dave: You know it's like that guy Poco Noco!

Me: WHO?! What are you talking about? Who is Poco Noco?

Dave: The kid who wanted to be a real boy, but he was wooden.

Me: You mean Pinocchio?!

Dave: YEAH that kid!

Me: Did you just make Pinocchio a cholo?!

Dave: That's what I do, I'm Mexican so everything else has to be.

Oh I laughed for about 10 minutes, then proceed to save Dave in my phone as Poco Noco instead of Dave now.

So then Rob shares this story with me today. Mind you I'm not sure why people share stuff like this with me, but damn I'm glad they do.

Rob: I was thinking bout writing a book too. On my zany things that have happened to me. Like the time I went to Portugal and 2 sailors picked up a hooker. And when I saw them the next day and asked them how it went, the reply, (I still use this expression to this day because it was so gross yet so funny). He said, When she took off her pants, it smelled like a dead buffalo with a fish in its mouth.” Tell me that is not book writing stuff. So of course I said, oh so you wasted all that $$ huh? What do you think he said??? “OH NO!! I hit it!” That should be in a book!!!

Yes Rob, it should, and since it's not. I just put it in a blog until it could make it in a book :) Good times ... good times.

Getting there....

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while. It's been a strange ride the last few months. I've been up .. I've been down ... I've been REALLY down... so here's a clue in.
I left North American, best decision I've ever made. I was being drivin' to the edge of insanity there. I loved my job, the sales team, the responsibility... what I didn't love? The intimidation, the guilt, the hurt that everyday I came in and everyday I was basically told I was worthless. So, I made the decision and I moved on...

Moving on to a job I had for 2 1/2 weeks, what a joke. I was let go for being (and I quote) too smart and talented. I was hurt, but they were right. I was going to be bored and not be able to use my skills to be able to help the company in anyway, nor did they want me to.

Then it all slid downhill quickly .. I got a job, seemed to be an ok job, but I was called back to a second interview for a place I loved when I first walked in. The high energy, the possibility to work for a charity .. the 'opportunity'. Well, I met a great girl, Lindsey .. loved her from the start. She WAS ME!! If that's possible (besides my blonde version Beth) She convinced me to give it a chance and I wouldn't be disappointed. Boy was I!

I called the position I accepted already and went full force into TMP. Long hours doesn't bother me ... working for what I believe in really doesn't bother me, but something did .. something I should have seen right away but didn't. Don't trust a place that has high turnover, it's usually for a reason. I met another great girl ... Nicole, whose slowly becoming someone I can't go a day without talking to. She makes me smile, and then laugh out loud over and over. All was .. well OK. Then, then the paychecks kept getting smaller and smaller. And I started feeling smaller and smaller. I didn't like the way people talked to me like I was a 5th grader. The way people would practically SELL themselves for money. The lies people told each other daily. While yes, there may have been an 'opportunity' it was only for those who had the support of someone else to help them.

Family and friends are great in these situations...pyramid scams...you CAN go far, but only if you can handle not paying your rent for 6 months. I myself didn't quite get it until I got sick. Really sick. Dehydrated...diagnosed with bronchitis, laryngitis, mono, beginning of renal failure if I didn't slow down and get medical attention I could just end up in the hospital, or worse .. die.

I'll never forget that week. Monday, I was coughing up blood, went home and slept for 12 hours. For me, a record. Tuesday I got up and went to work, lost it half way through the morning, crying at the SMALLEST thing. What did I get when I apologized for being a flake and letting them know I really didn't feel well? Told to suck it up, we all work when we're sick. WHAT?! Yes, I've worked when I was sick before, LOTS as a matter of fact. Most of the time it takes an act of God to keep me from getting to work. Usually a migraine or two. And these people were telling me I was basically a loser, worthless, not strong enough. To prove them wrong, I got in the car to start the day, then the dizziness started...then I went and lay on a gross Jewel bathroom floor and threw up blood....

10 minutes after that started, I called Nicole, desperate just to talk to someone who would understand .. I was really sick, and scared...and worst of all miserable. With my life, my job my health ... just plain miserable. As I sat in this bathroom crying to Nicole, searching for a moment of clarity I was disturbed by someone pounding on the door to get in the washroom. I moved my way to the Osco, found myself in hysterics on the phone ... in the liquor department. That's when the clarity hit. Nicole had to say it, but it hit. 'You're standing in the liquor department crying .. is it really worth it?'

That's when I realized it wasn't. It was OK if I wanted to go home because I was ill. It didn't make me a bad person, or have any effect on my work ethic, or make me a quitter. It made me ... HUMAN. It's survival of the fittest out there and really ... if I didn't take care of myself, how COULD I help missing kids? I couldn't. I took my crying self back outside where the girl I was with was giving me a lecture about being gone for 30 minutes, and I succumbed to how I felt instead of fighting it. I felt like I was dying and needed to go home...now.

I didn't drive that day, so I called my roommate, Heather, she couldn't leave for at least 2 hours, and I called Jenkins, voice mail. Finally, after calling the owner...the girl I was with decided to take me home, but not before trying to take me to a Walgreens clinic. After 45 minutes of waiting crying and barely able to keep my eyes open the 'nurse' on duty tells me exactly what I expected .. to go to the hospital. Well, since TMP didn't provide the insurance they told me they would, well that was out of the question. I finally made it home, lay on the couch and stayed there until Heather got home. Urgent care here I come!

Well, needless to say, I'm better now. Decided my life wasn't worth risking by going back to TMP, and realized just how much debt I'd put myself in being there. So, I moved on. Took me a month to find a job I liked and thought would be best for me. It's an up and coming company in the US and growing like a weed. I've spent the last 4 days there now, and so far so good.

I left NA because I was miserable and felt worthless .. and landed myself in a place that made me feel worse. I wish nothing but the best of luck to those who ACTUALLY stayed. I see your opportunity for you, and I hope you reach your 'Step 7' but some of us just can't wade through 100 checks to get there. At nearly 30 I deserve to feel like I'm important, like I matter, like I'm human.

So here I am, happy for the most part. Making my way out of debt, SLOWLY, but I have some great friends and an even better family to smile down on me and make me know I may make mistakes, but I'm a better person for it. They keep me going, so thanks. Thanks to Lindsey for making me know it was ok to be me, thank you to Nicole for my moment of clarity and laughter, thanks to Heather for supporting me in everything in the last few months, rocky as they have been. And especially thanks to my family for making me NOT feel like I failed....because I didn't I prevailed. 2008 should be a breeze after all this.