I hate myself today. I haven't said that since high school, but I really do hate myself today. I think it's going to be one of those days I'm not going to be able to stop crying if I try no matter what anybody says. It seems to be pick on Dawn day.....so far I've gotten the I don't dress to standards at work (and if I want to flaunt it I better look for another place to work) and the 'we're all aware your struggling with your weight' speech. ALL IN ONE LECTURE!!! Yah! I'm a fat ass who can't dress!

I want to go home now....bad....I can't stop crying...so I'll just stare at my screen pretend to work the best I can, and blubber like an idiot. I'm just so mad I'm taking this so personally ... I think it's the weight and the pointing out that my boobs are a little excessive at the same time...well damn what the hell am I supposed to to with them! They're there, I can't just tuck them away. I really do wish I could sometimes I really miss the 32AA I once was. If these were a boob job, I'd have them removed.

Enough, I'm off to blubber and feel sorry for myself for a moment. I love you hon, thanks for trying to make me feel better. Your the best.

Ho Hum life is so boring sometimes. Especially when your stuck in the routine that I'm in, work/pack/sleep.....(and the occasional couple of hours with the man in my life). As most of you know I've never been much of a good sleeper....damn that whole chemical imbalance!....but lately it's been even WORSE! Last night was the first time I fell asleep before midnight in FOREVER...but of course our very own timberkivi decided to wake me up with the 11 o'clock because he heard 'Pour some sugar on me'. BOO Kivi BOO!!!!

Ok, so needless to say I'm a little bummed about my move, packing up all my stuff just makes me depressed. I'm going to be furthest away from everything I love (except you honey) and it just depresses the hell out of me. As long as everything goes smoothly I'll be ok, I'll be a wreck until it does, but I'll be ok once it all settles.

So Kivi, your still in pursuit I see. Well, my advice, just let the cards fall where they may. If you push, people tend to push back. As for your non social life, well, stop letting the fam plan your life and maybe you could make plans with the rest of the real world :) I'm sorry if Monday,Wednesday, and Fridays having dinner with me at Benigga's isn't good enough for you. There's always Saturday, you could come hang with me all day!!(tee...hee)

I gotta work....hasta

So I don't have much to post, I do but I don't have much time....so here's a quote I ran across that made me giggle...

"Sermons are the opinion of one man, trying to kill three hours" Scott Parker Canadian Historian

You know there are some people in my life I'm damn thankful are there. Although some of my friends are young, they are still smart beyond there years at times. And some of them are older and still large children and that's a trait I resemble myself. Sometimes they take me back a bit by saying things I just wouldn't expect but are truly nice and sweet. (That's right Kivi I'm talkin' about you)

But sometimes, I just don't understand my friends. Don't get me wrong I'd pretty much do anything (besides kill a man, sleep with farm animals, or....well there is actually A LOT I wouldn't do....) for my friends and I'd like to think they'd do the same for me. If they don't feel what I was doing was right, they'd tell me, or if they were hurt by something I said/did, they'd tell me. That's what being a friend is. Being able to tell someone they're a F@#* up and knowing that all and all your going to be friends in the long run. It's also about supporting your friends even if they aren't doing exactly what you would have expected them to.

It is NOT however about giving someone the funked up silent treatment! If your my friend YELL AT ME! I make mistakes in my life and they are MINE to make. Right now I'm the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I'm in love with a wonderful man who loves me more than I could ever have imagined. I know he's married, I'm the one who has to deal with that on a daily basis. If it was a typical marriage situation I would feel horrible, but it's not so I only feel somewhat horrible. I battle my own demons everyday....I don't need my friends suddenly not speaking to me with no explanation as to why. I know your upset, but would you rather have me lie about it?! I value each and every one of my friends like part of my family, when they treat me like trash to be discarded, it makes me feel as though they never even cared in the first place.

I've been around the block quite a few times I've had a lot of people who claimed to be my friends walk out of my life without a second thought, so I'm not about to beg for you to be my friend, but I wanted you to know I have had some of the best times I've ever had with you. I'd like to keep you as part of my life, but if you can't accept me into your life anymore, I understand too. This isn't how I planned things, it's just the way the cards were dealt........

Ok, Ok, Kivi....the part you've been waiting for....your advice.
I know Steve, I love Steve, you two are my comedic relief with your completely opposite personalities....yet your so alike...funny how that happens. I know that not much bothers Steve, he's one of the most patient people I know, I suppose you have to be when your the worlds slowest eater. So here the thing, it doesn't seem as though Steve and this girl dated for long but still there's probably some uncomfortablness there. One, your right you have no wheels, you would have to depend on others for a ride...so until you get your license back your kinda stuck. Two, can you really enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't like your best friend...yes, but will it work out....no, even if it does for a period of time there's always that feeling of being pulled in two different directions....one by your friend of forever, and the other by the girl your trying to date.

My thinking is since I know you is that maybe your starting to like this gal cause she's a cool chick to hang with and now you 'think' you have feelings towards the relationship standings since your (no offence) desperate for affection. Trust me I've been there. Tried to push a relationship with someone I thought was "perfect" for me and we would make a good couple....when really we just made good friends. I think you need to sit back and REALLY think about the whole thing. Right now I think you need to straighten out a few priorities in your life before you try and enter into a relationship anyway. I.E. looking further into getting your license back, paying off the psycho ex-roomies dad, you just started a new job you love...so let's try and get hired from temp status, and even looking into taking some classes Mr. College Drop out. Trust me when your the happiest with yourself, is when things just seem to oddly fall into place. That's what happened to me....granted making life difficult now, but trust me.

I love you Kivi (and Stevie too), but I think your at a part in time with your lives your just now discovering yourselves. Trust me I was there it's a weird age, trying to be an adult and a kid at the same time ain't easy (just ask Dayne.)....but romance isn't something you NEED in your life, it's something you want (who wouldn't) but being alone isn't bad at all either. You both have some great friends, wonderful families, and ME :) ok I was tooting my own horn....but seriously...having a relationship isn't easy...AT ALL...and in order to enter into one I think you really need to work on you first. Be happy being single work on your future a little. Not that you have to figure it all out in the next year, but think about it, is bringing a gal into your life right now really fair when you have so much extra baggage on your hands?

Ok, this is like the longest post ever! And I'm sure it's going to cause problems for me some where....but regardless....I always speak my mind, and hell that's what my blog is for. To a certain someone I'm sure is reading this with Kivi in the warehouse. I love you and don't you forget it!

Till next time!......

So I haven't updated in a long time. I've had a lot going on, most of which I won't get into. I have way to much on my plate right now and I'm not sure if I'm going to go insane from it all or just break down and cry hysterically. Why is it I like to get myself in the most ridiculous (or ricockulous as Luke/Matt/and Erik would say) situations. I suppose it's because I like to beat myself up in the long run.

So basically for those of you who don't know (which by now I don't know how you don't) I fell in love, shocker I know, ME of all people actually falling in love. Except just like every other relationship I've EVER had there's a problem. He's British....(that's not the problem)...he's married. By married I mean married to stay in the country and get his citizenship, not married made a lifetime commitment to this women because he loved her. Now I know it goes against EVERYTHING I stand for and everything I've ever preached about when my caddy girlfriends were flirting around with married men with power. This man has NOTHING so it's not like I'm going after anything....he works hard for everything he has, provides for his wife...and her daughter (NOT HIS)....he has two kids back in England he still takes care of....and best of all....he loves me with all of his heart. It's hard to believe, but if you met him and talked to him for more than 5 min....you would know too. I've come very close to walking out of this crazy situation a million times. The whole relationship makes me sick to my stomach, the lies, the sneaking around, the once a cheater always a cheater thoughts in my mind. This whole thing makes me want to tear my hair out on a daily basis. But then when I'm with him all of that doesn't seem to matter cause I know how much he cares for me and I've never felt anyone care about me like that before. Now I'm sure your thinking how in the world did it even start if you knew he was married, LONG story if you want to know that one you'll have to call or email me. It wasn't like I woke up one day and decided to be with him....it was much more complicated than that...and has spanned over the last year before anything happened between us..... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ok, ok, ok, had to get it all out. Now my friends and family reading this think I'm insane cause no one has ever known me to act like this or be so weak in a situation..... but I guess they were right when they said love makes you do strange things!

By the way, Timberkivi hasn't updated his blog, but he has a jobby job now for any of you who were wondering. He works with my Brit, I got him a job with him here at North American. So he can't complain anymore. Besides he's doing so much real work now, he's shedding some pounds....of course it's because he walks into the building and starts instantly sweating, but hey it's the shedding of pound none the less!

I gotta go, I'm sure I'll get EMAILS on this blog so I'll talk to you all later. By the way Luke, I miss hanging with you. Are you mad at me? I understand if it's with this whole situation, but I still love ya your my favorite! No one could ever replace you!