I'm totally going to marry it ...

If there was one invention in this century I would have to say takes the prize for best invention EVER it would have to be texting.

I fricken love this shit. Reason I will list below for you so you can more understand my love affair with this wonderful creation of modern technology and will totally explain the wedding invites with 'texting' as the groom.

Without further ado ...

Top Five Reason's I love texting:

Number Five: Really where else can you have ridiculous conversations like the following?

ME: So I'm on a treadmill, iPod blasting in between songs I realize 'I believe in a thing called love' is playing on the gym's stereo. I don't know why but I looked for you.

James Dudas: Yeah, I preform at gyms occasionally. Usually near the treadmills.

Now truth be told, I would have never picked up the phone and called James to tell him that, I was on a treadmill for cripes sake, does James really want to hear my heavy breathing? Nor would I remember that I did it the next time I saw him...but it was such a moron moment for myself I felt James needed to share in my short bus special moment. Truly it was better than my 'dance/running' on the treadmill for the entertainment of others.

Number Four: One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when your talking to someone on the phone, and they are not paying attention to you because they're doing something else. Texting eliminates this problem completely. If you're not busy, respond...if your busy, respond when you have time. Done and done.

Number Three: I HATE the phone. I'm on it ALL day every day the last thing I want to do is talk the mundane to you on the phone. The only person on this planet besides my parents I will sit on the phone with for long periods of time is Nikki. Only cause she's walking home in a bad neighborhood in Chicago. Nothing says "Don't Rape Me" like a girl spouting nonsense on the phone.

Number Two: The hilarious nightmares that are T9 mistakes. Nothing says that's hot like when your phone decides to change words on you. For instance my latest T9 debacle came in the sentence:

"Has a never ending thirst"

Which T9 turned into:

"Has a never ending thrust"

Essentially in the matter of 2 seconds I looked like a spent a hell of a lot of time on my back. For the record....could have been one of the most hilarious things I've ever texted. Well that week anyway.

Number one: I'm pretty much always at work. I work long strange hours on most days so if you want to make plans or get a hold of me. Text. 99.9% of the time I'm not going to answer the phone if you call, I'm probably already on the phone at work. Texting will be the one and only way (besides IM) to get a response from me when I'm at work.

BONUS: How the hell else can you talk about someone who's in the room? I can't tell you how many beautiful text messages I've gotten over time about the whore one of the boys is with, or the plot to murder the bitch with the high pitch giggle with a friend just across the room. Even with that the best of the best is getting little diddys like this one from Kivi at a bar when he was sitting right next to me:

"I just heard the guy in the blue polo say 'I'll do anal, but if I have a rubber left I'll park in the driveway'"

Yes people text's like that is what I literally live for in life.

Love me or Hate me...It's still an obsession

I always second guess myself.

ALWAYS.

I don't know why, but I believe it's hereditary personally. Even when I'm sure I said or did the right thing, I always wonder if I should have done it differently.

Even with the simple things like driving....should I have taken this way instead of that way? Or more complicated things like relationships....if I would have done this would the outcome of said relationship have been better?

Funny thing is, I always come to the same conclusion. Indifference.

Indifference is that spot where you kinda go "Eh, Whatever". I'm here aren't I? No one died, did they? Everyone still has their limbs, right? By this point you've asked yourself every dumb question in the book about what you could've, would've, should've done before you just numb yourself to the emotions and throw your white flag up moving yourself into indifference.

Years of going through the motions has done this to me. I have the motions down like Helen Keller and sign language. I just haven't taught my brain to jump straight to indifference yet. It's a strange place to care a lot for a very little amount of time.

No I'm not a cold hearted bitch. (or snake by Paula Abdul standards) I honestly can't STOP myself from caring about people from the get go. I'm a big ol' softie that way...but honestly I don't have time for your crap, I have enough of my own. So after my 48 hours of contemplation and a little self torture I'm done second guessing...I'm literally done. Call it a wall, call me jaded, call me a gypsy of emotions. Whatever you want to call it...I call it self preservation.

People to me are a constant challenge. Sometimes they disappoint you like the lack of prize in the cereal box. Sometimes they surprise you pleasantly like the $20 you found in your winter jacket.

For me after my little roller coast of second guessing and indifference, I'd rather be pleasantly surprised, so no offense I'll just keep you all down here on this really low step instead of hoisting you on the pedestal. Imagine how you could hurt yourself if you fell?! Or I kicked you off?! This is just safer, maybe here I can teach my brain how to just move straight to indifference, it just seems closer from here.

Romance, Singledom, Happiness, and all that Jazz

Pretty much every little girl grows up with the same dream. Fall in love + get married + have kids = happily ever after. Somehow it's ingrained into us from day one with movies like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Fall in love, get married, have kids will equate to happiness.

What they forgot to mention in ALL of those fairy tales, the horrible, time consuming, emotional roller coaster that is called dating.

Some people are very lucky. They meet and date a few people in life before they fall blissfully in love. Fairy tale ending and all. Then you get to hear things from them like "I'm so blessed" and "I'm so lucky" every frickin day. Just so you know, when you say that to people who DON'T have these things, you make them feel like crap.

For those of us feeling like crap ... still trying, kissing one frog after another in the scum filled dating pool, well we want to kick those people. Really really hard.

It all begins at the same place, that first kiss or crush. For me it was the beginning of my life long career of liking and/or meeting the wrong men in life. Sure, we all have our stories. Bad dates, horrible boyfriends, the one that 'got away', but mine well...mine are epic novels of jaw dropping folklore that will be pasted down from generation to generation.

Hilarious, funny, tragic, mortifying there are many adjectives to describe my romantic social life. Good on the other hand isn't one of them. I'm not all negative Nellie here, I've met some wonderful people along the way, learned some lessons, had some real fun. Maybe too much fun at times, right Beth? When life hands you lemons, garb some Stoli and rock it out. I never thought for a moment life would hand me 30 and single.

I know, this isn't the 1950's being 30 and single isn't so surprising or unheard of. At least that's what they tell me anyway. Women are independent, want careers and stability before husbands and babies. Personally I thought it all just happened naturally. I didn't know you were supposed to look or work on it. I'm a simple girl, granted one that danced on table tops, rubbed elbows with Chicago’s finest, and may or may not have flashed half of Lake and Cook county at one point (sorry Dad) but still simple none the less.

I figured if I had to go through this much bad there must be something really great at the end. There had to be! It's in the plan, fall in love, get married, have kids! My happily ever after. Didn't fate know the plan? Then it hit me. I'm a romantic, and romance died somewhere between the creation of PS2, Xbox and the invention of the downloading speeds of the high speed internet. I mean REALLY, men can pay $20 and get a girl half a world away to perform any act he wants on camera, why the hell does he need to put for the effort with love notes, flowers, dinners, and sweet nothings for the hope of possible missionary later?

Most people, men and women alike, don't even realize what romance means. Its literal meaning is the intimate relationship between two people. Romance isn't all directed from the man all to the women, or visa versa, it's a group effort. One sided love is probably the worst feeling in the world...trust me I've lived through it but I've never wanted to die more in my life. It's not about fancy gifts, hot spots to go to, or elaborate gestures. It's the little things, the very little things.

Leaving work and seeing a wild flower from the field next door on my car with note on the back of a receipt from your car saying, saw this flower....such beauty belongs together so I picked it for you.

An email at 1pm that pops into my inbox reminding me of a story we shared or moment we had months or years ago...just cause it popped in your head.

Touching my face when we kiss, walking in the door and hugging me first thing, reminding me you miss me even if you're only gone on a one day trip.

Waking up early knowing I have a long hard day ahead of me, just to make me coffee.

I once spent 2 days making a CD of English Punk 'love' songs for my ex. Let me tell you how much I knew about English Punk bands...NADA. Why did I do it? Cause he was English, and he loved that music...and it was fun to go through all this music and feel how I felt about him when I heard it. FYI you can find a love song in any music category.

I'm a card mailer, post card sender, sentimental, keep ever ticket stub, card, matchbook and flower kinda girl. I love it...not the Tiffany's, the Gibson’s, the 2 ct rings. Not the big house or the BMW, no white picket fences. The hands down best date I ever went on we didn't spend a dime, we volunteered at the animal shelter, went and saw the beach in March (beautiful by the way) and drove around neighborhoods I have never seen. (Thanks Andrew) It's not about what you give me, where you take me, but how you make me feel. Special, needed, wanted, beautiful, respected, inspired.

Unfortunately life is not the "Notebook" (FYI I've never even seen this movie because I'm positive it would anger me with lies and torment...kinda how I feel about Disney movies) Instead I'm surrounded by the 'settlers'. Look around, you are too. The men and women that settled down for the sake of "this could work" or "well, it seems like it should be the next logical step". Then they look at people like me, 30's and single and start with the "quotes". I'm beginning to think there's a book you all get when you get married and suddenly need something to tell your single friends.

"It'll happen when you least expect it" or "You're so great anyone would be lucky to have you."

My personal favorite, "You're just so independent, people are just intimated by that. They'll come around."

FYI people, these things are not compliments, they're condescending. I'd much rather hear "If you lost 20 pounds, maybe you'd stand a chance." It would sting a lot less. Honestly, I'd rather be single then settle.

So here's my question, after that first kiss, do you pick your path? Do you make a choice at that fork in the road that either leads you into the direction of a life of marriage, white picket fence and 2.5 kids or the direction of broken hearts, dirty sex, pints of ice cream and lots of empty bottles of wine?

Honestly, I'm happy being "Just Dawn" (love, my boys). My life full of wonderful family, beautiful love between my friends and I, and the romance I have with myself and who I want to be...well, that's pretty satisfying if you ask me. One day my "romance" could involve me waking up to that special someone excited to see them everyday, but until it does, I wake up everyday excited that I am in this beautiful love affair with all of you reading this.

Inspiration....where art thou?

I wish I felt inspired.

I wish I felt that rumbling in my tummy to write like the wind. The kind of thing that won't leave my mind until I write it down.

Lately, even in status messages on Facebook I've even felt empty and uninspired. What happened to that touch of creativity and douce of wittiness I once had?

Will anything or anyone bring that back out in me?

Or am I forever in a creativity/writers block?

UPDATE!!

UPDATE: 12/6/08

So I started all of this lifestyle change stuff on 11/22/08. Let me tell you it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I got REALLY emotional about it.

I know it sounds really silly, but eating every 3 hours and writing everything I ate down was a real challenge for me. It just made me feel really guilty about everything I ate and on top of it...make me sick to my stomach because I had this constant feeling that I was eating too much.

With the help of my friends (thanks Jimmy) it helped me realize I wasn't doing anything wrong. Imagine the 2 take out meals a day, even if it's "less food" its way more calories and fat. I know I know it's basic but I honestly need someone to tell me the basics sometimes to check me back into reality. It helped.

So week two was a lot easier. I am prepared with fruit, veggies, legumes, protein and even my vast array of multi-vitamins and medical meals. I have drank so much water its unbelievable how much more time I spend in the bathroom. I cut my coffee down to one cup a day...I had a half a cup of Jon Anderson’s coffee yesterday and got so hyper I almost ran in circles for an hour.

It's amazing how awake and alert I feel in one week. I have a cold, but feel NOTHING like I felt last year when I had one..It’s like a minor inconvenience not a train wreck like it has been in the past. Finding time for the gym has been harder to fit in, but I do what I can when I can. I'm taking a more relaxed approach to it. If I fall off the wagon, I don't feel as guilty and I just know I can pick up again the next day, or even the next meal.

Week 2 made me pretty proud of myself. Even more proud when I went in for my check up...even though I seem to be losing in my lean body mass...which isn't unusual in your first 2 weeks, I lost 9 pounds! NINE POUNDS. I can't tell you how thrilled I was that even though I struggled so much in that first week (and ate a whole pizza) I lost nine pounds.

What I'm doing is working, and that makes me feel really good. I'll keep you posted as it goes on ... right now .. the 40 oz of water I drank, and the 20 oz coffee, is desperately making me run for the nearest washroom.

Leave of Absence

All,

Ok, so here's the deal since my Facebook status sparked a furry of questions.

As of Friday I will be sort of M.I.A for the next 12 weeks. I will not be in hiding, I will not be in a hole (no one's giving me lotion in a basket), I'm not joining a cult (I don't like Kool-Aid that much) but I have decided to make some serious changes in my life.

I decided I do not want to be on my anxiety meds forever. Believe it or not someday I'd like to have the opportunity to start a family. With my health history, I would NOT be able to do that now or if I continue on this path. No, there's no one in my life (shocker) & NO I'M NOT PREGNANT.

In order for me to stop the anxiety attacks, and possibly start sleeping like a normal person someday I have to make some sacrifices and really make an effort to change my lifestyle. Some of you may get like this in 10 years, but I don't have 10 years to figure it all out. By then I'll be a diabetic, or have serious heart disease or worse. I know I don't tend to 'share' all my problems with all or any of you, but this is something that is really important that I have to do for me.

As of Friday I start a 12 week therapeutic lifestyle program called Firstline Therapy. Basically it's individualized program for me based on blood tests, medical history and time management. It is something my doctor is strongly encouraging me to do and really feels that it will help me get off the meds and on a better path. With any kind of medical or non medical life change, this won't happen overnight, but to simplify it's a program that will help me change my unhealthy habits and forms of behavior.

I desperately need to develop a way to get some 'mental clarity'. As much as I truly love all of you, my main problem is I forget about myself. I worry or take care of everyone else before myself, and lets face it, when I need the help...I don't or won't ask for it. This last year has been extremely difficult for me. Financially I'm destroyed, emotionally I'm crippled, and physically I just can't seem to function properly anymore. I'm not happy, and I haven't been for a long time.

Please do not take any of this personally. I, of course, will ALWAYS be here for any and all of you. If you really need to talk and know I'll get it (Matt) ... I'm here. If you want to stop by and say hi (Katie)... you know where I live. If you just think of something that will make me laugh (Nikki) .. I would love to hear it. Or really need the house cleaned (Alex and Jon) before the health department condemn your place, let me know. But I can not fix your problems or make them my own anymore. 30 years of that have made my body and mind that of a 60 year old. I'm literally falling apart and if you want to keep the Dawn you know and I hope love, I will need every bit of encouragement as possible to keep me on the right track to make sure I don't have my first stroke at 37 like my father.

Trust me when I say this was a rough decision to make. Taking control of your life never is... Not to mention the rough road I'll be taking for the next 12 weeks. I will slip, I will probably fall right on my face a few times though it. I just hope at the end of it all, you'll all still be there and really encourage me to go in the right direction. ... my God I sound like I'm going into rehab!

I'm still 'Just Dawn', I'm still going to pop in to see you from time to time...you are all like family (or are family for that matter). I thrive on the social setting surrounded by those I love the most (all of you) ... it would be impossible for me not to speak with you all or disappear off the planet, you just won't see me as often. With the holidays coming anyway you'll barely even realize I'm gone :) Although if you want to buy me some wicked presents I'm all about it...

Ok, I'm done. If I have ALREADY made plans with you before I made this decision (Jon Anderson I will still try and get us in for Crystal Method, Jimmy I'm still coming to visit!) I will live up to my obligations to you. Otherwise, I hope you'll throw me an email, or a text, or even a phone call from time to time and say hi. (by the way, I somehow left my phone at home today)

Happy Holidays to all of you, I wish the best to you and your families. If I don't have your address I'll need it soon for Christmas cards! See you all sooner than later, or around Valentines day...

Love,

Dawn

I LOVE this new Kayne....

Everyone's been there at least once. Or I like to think I'm not the only one anyway.


I’m not loving you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know
Never, never know
Never know enough
Til it’s over love
Til we lose control
System overload
Screamin no no no no no

I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool
So I keep it true
I got something to lose
So I gotta move
I can’t keep myself
And still keep you too

So I keep in mind
When I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home
In the danger zone
How many times did I tell you
‘fore it finally got through
You lose you lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
See I had to go
See I had to move
No more wastin’ time
You can’t wait for life
Were just racin’ time
Where’s the finish line

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I’ve been no one new
I got no one new
No I said I’m through
But got love for you
But I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

Gotta keep it going
Keep the lovin’ going
Keep it on a role
Only god knows
If I’ll be with you
Baby I’m confused
You choose, you choose

I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to
Where I want to go
I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road
Too many times before
I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to

You lose
You lose
You lose
You lose