Did you think 1st?

There are SO many moments in a day when you actually want to say to people, "Really, did you THINK first before you said/did that?" This week there have been more than a few with my friends and I.

For Katie: The guy in the Mini Cooper that insists on sitting in your blind spot! Really? Your car is tiny enough, let's just make it invisible! And really what kind of a 'man' drives a car with the name 'mini' in the name of the vehicle?

For Josh: The people who insist you 'broke' something. Now I work in the dental field, you would be SHOCKED how many times people actually call us to say we cleaned their teeth 'wrong' because now they have a tooth ache. Yes, we, in fact, used the cavity inducing toothpaste made of pure sugar to make sure you would get a toothache within a week. You have found our dirty little secret, we needed the money...what were we to do? Or maybe it's the fact this is the first time you've been to the dentist in 2 years?! That couldn't be it, Nah...had to be us.

For Nikki: While at a dinner for chair people for a battered women's shelter, a women ACTUALLY said "I just want to teach them how to do their make-up". Yes, it's true, when a women is being beaten senseless, now homeless and with the possibility of losing her children she is sure to be thinking..."Damn if I only had some Maybelline". Now I know when my ex was beating me within an inch of my life all I would have been happy with just a little Bonnie Bell at that point.

For Alex: When you go to Wrigley as a fan of ANY other team, you know your going to get razzed on. It comes with the territory at ANY ball park. When you go to Wrigley during the cross town classic and are a Sox fan, be prepared to take some hard hits. Fact is, for 100 years we've had this rivalry ... it'll continue to happen for another 1000. If you go and expect people to be nice and sweet, you might has well have taken the short bus to the park. Fine, like who you want, I don't care, but did you REALLY think no one would give you the business for it? Stop crying, you're a moron.

To Cristina: When I say things like...'Damn this water isn't getting hot' DON'T look at me and say, "Which handle did you turn". I am 30 years old, I have, in fact, turned on a faucet at least once or twice before. Did you really think I was going to say something like 'You mean there's a difference? I thought I could just 'will' it hot'. DUH?!

For my apartment complex: Whomever the brain surgeon is that keeps setting the dumpsters on fire...Stop. It's not 'cool' or 'funny'. Eventually you or GOD FORBID someone else is going to get hurt. Like from that aerosol can that exploded in last nights fire. By the way, I don't appreciate the smell of hot burning trash in my house, followed by the smell of wet burnt garbage. If I find you, I'll hurt you...while pounding your head into the dumpster I'll continue to ask, did you THINK first?! Promise.

To my moronic 1st dates: When your friends call while were just starting a date, it is NOT ok to invite them along. Especially when they are cuter than you are. By the way I'm always going to win on this one. I will invite my friends, they will be inappropriate and I will scare you. As Katie says, you are now voted off the island.

To the clothing makers: First and foremost 'extra low-rise' is NOT necessary. Basically that just says to me, start at my crotch. Crack cleavage is NOT cute on any girl. I don't know a single man that says, there's my future wife over there, you know the one with her ass hanging out...yep, that skank in ALL mine. It also causes the greatest fad of all time...the 'muffin top'. Even uber skinny girls get it when they wear their pants too low. 'Low rise' I'll give you, no one wants to tuck their jeans into their bra. 'Mom Jeans' aren't cool. But really? Crack cleavage with your undies hanging out? Leave SOMETHING to the imagination please. With that though also comes the other side of things...if you want your jeans to sell don't put words like "Husky" on them...really, because women aren't a size 4 they need to be called 'Husky'? I don't think so. Think about it for just a moment.

Ahh, how I love people in general. When people don't think before they act, or say things. It happens to all of us once in a while. But the true morons actually believe what they're saying/doing. They don't even think after! For the love of humanity people if your reading this, please don't be one of these people. Personally I blame reality T.V. Tila Tequila has sucked the brain out of everyone possible. Now here, mud wrestle in pudding and eat bull penis to prove you love me.

I blog, you read...that's how this works.

I find the most insane things annoying in my life.

I can't stand a dirty bathroom, even though mine can use a serious cleaning right now, but really how can you feel clean in a dirty bathroom. But really when you walk into a public bathroom and it's disgusting ... I don't get it! Is this what you do to your bathroom at home? That WHY for the love of got would you do it here?! In public where people can catch you in the act?

I hate when people assume I know who they are because they've been to my bar/restaurant once. No lady I don't know your usual unless your usual is to annoy the hell out of me by asking for a usual.

People who assume they should get things for free. I just had 3 fillings at the dentist office, that's like what $50? Ummm..NO! But the doctor KNOWS me. Ok, but the doctor also has to feed his family and pay for the stupid huge house he just bought not to mention my paycheck. Pay me.

Stopping for gas. Now mind you, with gas prices, it's just even more annoying, but honestly, it's not even about that for me. It's about the ACT of stopping for gas. I HATE it with a passion. Pumping gas, whatever, I don't care. I just hate having to pull off my route and delay my final destination. You never need gas at a convenient time either, it's aways when your in a hurry, running late, or 10 miles from the nearest gas station. Ahhh...HATE it.

People who say 'what's up'. My smart ass answer, is always the ceiling. Seriously, it's not even proper English. Stop.

Camping. Seriously I don't see why pretending your homeless is fun! When someone asks me to 'go camping' I hear 'Want to sleep in a box under lower Wacker?' Uh NO! Trust me, I've TRIED camping. NOT enjoyable...not at all.

The term 'picked up'. Like as in I 'picked up' this chick in a bar. Every time I hear it, it infuriates me. Women are not beer from the liquor store, or inanimate objects to move. You didn't 'pick me up' otherwise you may have thrown out your back :) it's a horrid term. Retire it. I 'met' someone works just fine.

People who mis-use the words. If you don't know what a word means, please don't use it. You look like ridiculous trying.

The 'out do'er'. You know the type. The person that if you say something happened to you they have to one up you for whatever reason. Now I'm not talking about the person that says I can relate something similar happened to me...I'm talking about the moron that says, 'Yeah, you think that's bad...listen to this!' and then that thing turns out to be nothing comparatively speaking. Like the girl who was talking to my friend Nikki and I. Nikki's face is half metal, my jaw hasn't grown since I was 5 and I've had numerous procedures to get my 'adult' teeth to fit. NOT fun. This girl actually says..."I have TMJ, and when you have a boyfriend, that needs to be taken care of fast." First off let me explain that I work in a dental practice, EVERYONE has TMJ (temporomandibular joint), it's the joint that makes it possible for you to open and close your mouth. You have TMD, tempormandubular dysfunction or lock jaw. Second, you really believe because you can't give a blow job to your boyfriend is comparable to a broken face?! NEXT!

Men who bring the STUPID girls around me then claim they are the 'coolest chicks'. You're not fooling me. The extent of this bitches conversation the whole night was her hair, nails, make up, and where she got her purse/shoes/shirt. This girl gives amazing blow jobs, rides you like a porn star and/or let you do anal on the first date. She's socially retarded. I'm not dumb, I know you. You are an intelligent human being, I know you like to have conversations and I know your not having them with this MENSA candidate. Now just do her and move on because me getting stuck in a conversation with her, it's just annoying, and I don't get the 'pot of gold' at the end of the rainbow if you know what I mean.

People who feel the need to SLOW DOWN talking to you because you said 'excuse me' or 'what'. I'm not slow, I didn't ride the short bus, I'm perfectly intelligent, you just talked really fast or the phone cut out, or something caught my attention. It doesn't' mean you need to give me the dictionary explanation of every word that comes out of your mouth the second time. Don't talk to me like a small child and chances are I won't treat YOU like one.

I could go on, but I won't. I know everyone has things that annoy them...I'm sure I annoy the HELL out of people sometimes. To be honest the only reason I started writing this blog in the first place is in the back of the new 'People' magazine, there's a whole piece on 'The strangest place you 'picked up' a girl'. Thanks 'People' for making that term more acceptable. Then again, reading 'People' magazine isn't exactly pushing me right up there on the MENSA scale is it? :)

BOO!!!!

Look, I'm all about pushing limits and going against the flow. I'm all about making inappropriate jokes and saying anything politically incorrect. I can take what I dish out and am not offended by people easily. Seriously, some of the things that come out of my mouth I'm pretty sure I'm driving the bus straight to hell. (I'll have stripper poles, vodka, loud music...and all my friends) But this....this isn't even close to what I call funny.

This was being sold at a Republican State Convention along with some other 'proud American' pins.Seriously? Can we give Texas back? They're giving us a bad name.

I can't get the link to add from my BlackBerry, but if you click the title (of this post that is) it'll take you to the Dallas news.