Lost.....but found

I found the most amazing, heart wrenching, tear jerking, wonderful gift today.

Something I got a LONG time ago from someone very special to me and has always held a place in my heart. Years ago, I lost contact with this friend, but he never left my heart.

A few years ago I got the worst email I've ever gotten in my life. This man that made such an impact on my life at one point in time, had taken his own life. I never did find out why, hell I never even found out where the funeral was. I just know I cried more than I had cried in a long time and even though this friend and I hadn't talked in years, I had a void in my soul now that he was gone.

Randy was an amazing soul, for those of us who were fortunate enough to meet and let Randy in our lives, we are better more amazing people because of it.

The gift I found today.....a wonderful Valentine's Day card he hand made for me with this note inside.....

Dawn,

I've written this card about four times and still can't get it right. Everything I try to express my love with words, they sound empty. It's hard to verbalize pure emotion. Instead, I've decided to put my promise to you in writing.

I will always love you. If you need or want anything, a friend, protection, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, money, food, shelter, an escape, or just someone to talk to, I will be here to give that to you. No matter what, you will always have my heart.

You are the nicest, most beautiful, and caring friend a person could ask for and I am honored that you let me into your life, even though I don't deserve someone as good as you.

Dawn, I love you.

Happy February 14th
Randy

......all I have to say to that is, if all of this was true Randy .... I would be describing you, not the other way around.

I hope your soul is free now, and your at peace. Someday I'll be there to join you to tell you what I should have told you over and over since I got this card, how much I love you too.

Sometimes.....

My Mom said something the other day that made me think.

For those of you who know me you know my Mom doesn't have a lot of 'social skills' so to speak freely to a lot of people. So she spends a lot of time speaking her mind to me. I don't mind. I prefer it. My feelings on the whole thing is at least she has someone to talk to. I'm glad she feels close enough to me to say the things she says.

Only problem is.....sometimes it hits hard. I've learned how to talk with my Mom to make her feel better. I'm her daughter....that's what you do. But sometimes, it scares me. Scary because I see me in her and her in me. Please don't get me wrong, my mother is a wonderful woman. Yes, we had our rough times. But she has never done anything but love and care for us kids in her lifetime. Granted.....it was rough, though a lot of her life, my life and that of my brother. I can tell you though, if you truly look in her eyes, you can see the love, and the love she truly craves.

The other day while we were talking she says to me.....'Sometimes I wonder why I was ever put on this earth.' My response....to have a beautiful daughter to make your life worth while :) Both of my parents have made mistakes. LOTS of mistakes. Honestly who hasn't. We all have issues. Some of them big, some small. Regardless, we've all made them. That's what makes us.....us.

If you looked into my parents eyes, I mean REALLY look.....you would see what I see. The deep down love they have. The satisfaction that all, and I do mean ALL of their children are grown and as 'happy' as they are in their lives. My Pops isn't the best at expressing his emotions, but I KNOW my Dad. I see the pain in his eyes because he lost his children. I see the love he has for all of us, even if he can't put it into words. I see my Mom trying to keep it all together when she still searches for a way to have a relationship with her son.

I couldn't help but think after my Mom said what she said......what is my reason for being here? I'm 28...obviously not having kid anytime soon....not in a job where I'm not replaceable....I haven't even done anything you could stand up and say....'That's my girl'. Why am I here? Shouldn't have I have found a reason and way to 'make my mark' by now.

I know, I know....I'm "young". But this isn't what I imagined. I did at one point want the wedding, the kids, the picket fence as they say. When did I give up on that "dream". Anyone who knows me knows I've moved past those years. Everyone I grew up with is 'getting married' or in that long term relationship. I've never been able to make it last more than a year and a half. Most people.....besides family, get pretty sick of my 'independence' and 'sarcasm' within a few months. So, what am I supposed to be doing with my life? What direction am I supposed to be moving in?

Don't answer that. I know the answer....no one knows what they're here for....you just have to live life one day at a time and hope that one day, it clicks. Or even better....it'll happen when you stop looking for it.

Done....finished....stopped looking for it YEARS ago. I know wife and kids is NOT what I'm destined for I've accepted that....I just want a clue....a direction I should be moving in....a hope that one day I just won't feel like a speck on this world and feel like I've made a difference in someone....anyones live. Mer did it for my brother. My brother did it for Melissa, my parents for me. My Mom for my Dad and vica vera.....when do I get that? It's not a lot to ask.

I guess I'll just sit here and wait for that moment. Maybe it'll take someone like me pointing it out to my Mom to realize why I'm here.

....maybe I should just take better notes :)

Interesting ....

That's the only word to describe Friday night.

I couldn't wait to go home! I was meeting Beth for martinis that night. I called Stan to come with since he hadn't seen her in forever like I and we cruised on up to the Grill.

When Beth got there it all started well. Martinis flowing of ALL different colors. Red, Blue, Green, White, Pink...and so on. Alex our favorite bartender likes to ask you what your favorite color is and will make you the greatest martinis of that color. It's the best.

Now, I know Beth. Two martinis and she's pretty buzzed. I saw her starting her third and knew it was going to be a GOOD night. Beth's boyfriend shot down herself image a week or so before, so it was my night, and my duty as her best friend to make her feel better for a few hours. First was the dancing...and Beth and I can JAM, let me tell you. We know every more each other is going to make so we dance perfectly together and make each other look GREAT! Then she moved to her fourth martini....that's when it all got funky :)

Beth mentioned to me she should've 'had relations' with a certain bartender back in the day when she had the chance. I laughed, I know it's the alcohol talking and Alex is a huge flirt so I see where this is going. He flirts, she flirts. Rings are stolen ... she slipped him her number. I laugh knowing she's not going to remember doing this tomorrow.....and THANK GOD it's Alex and not some random jerk in the bar.

By the fifth, the drunk dialing started. She disappeared. I know Beth better, I knew she wasn't leaving. So when we went to go leave, I walked up to her car. She's on the phone, crying, talking to the boyfriend. She immediately hands me the phone telling me she can't talk to him. I answer, I get yelled at, and hung up on.

His damage was Beth was more than an hour from home and drunk. Like there wasn't 10 people there that wouldn't have let her drive home even if she wanted to. I knew she was crashing at my place already, DUH! Alex even offered to drive her home if she really wanted to go. She was of course not being rational cause the alcohol was talking, but I got her back to my place where she belonged.

She refused to lay in bed, and propped herself in my recliner. I made Stan and I some LATE dinner. Dirty rice and garlic chicken. I then threw him off to bed and sat on the couch for a few hours till Beth woke up.....HUNGOVER already. :)

There was a lot of why did I do that? And damning Alex for making such good martinis....then I told her about the phone number slip...and laughed at her. She felt bad, I thought it was great and just what the doctor ordered some time out with friends.

Hopefully she's doing fine. She attempted to think she ruined her relationship over all this. If this guy breaks up with her over a drunken dial, I told her, then he can go to hell. She deserves better and more than that.

All I want for her is to be happy. If it's with this guy, I'm happy too. But if I get treated like that ever again by this man, and see her that upset....someone might get hurt. :)

Call me Bethany!