Romance, Singledom, Happiness, and all that Jazz

Pretty much every little girl grows up with the same dream. Fall in love + get married + have kids = happily ever after. Somehow it's ingrained into us from day one with movies like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Fall in love, get married, have kids will equate to happiness.

What they forgot to mention in ALL of those fairy tales, the horrible, time consuming, emotional roller coaster that is called dating.

Some people are very lucky. They meet and date a few people in life before they fall blissfully in love. Fairy tale ending and all. Then you get to hear things from them like "I'm so blessed" and "I'm so lucky" every frickin day. Just so you know, when you say that to people who DON'T have these things, you make them feel like crap.

For those of us feeling like crap ... still trying, kissing one frog after another in the scum filled dating pool, well we want to kick those people. Really really hard.

It all begins at the same place, that first kiss or crush. For me it was the beginning of my life long career of liking and/or meeting the wrong men in life. Sure, we all have our stories. Bad dates, horrible boyfriends, the one that 'got away', but mine well...mine are epic novels of jaw dropping folklore that will be pasted down from generation to generation.

Hilarious, funny, tragic, mortifying there are many adjectives to describe my romantic social life. Good on the other hand isn't one of them. I'm not all negative Nellie here, I've met some wonderful people along the way, learned some lessons, had some real fun. Maybe too much fun at times, right Beth? When life hands you lemons, garb some Stoli and rock it out. I never thought for a moment life would hand me 30 and single.

I know, this isn't the 1950's being 30 and single isn't so surprising or unheard of. At least that's what they tell me anyway. Women are independent, want careers and stability before husbands and babies. Personally I thought it all just happened naturally. I didn't know you were supposed to look or work on it. I'm a simple girl, granted one that danced on table tops, rubbed elbows with Chicago’s finest, and may or may not have flashed half of Lake and Cook county at one point (sorry Dad) but still simple none the less.

I figured if I had to go through this much bad there must be something really great at the end. There had to be! It's in the plan, fall in love, get married, have kids! My happily ever after. Didn't fate know the plan? Then it hit me. I'm a romantic, and romance died somewhere between the creation of PS2, Xbox and the invention of the downloading speeds of the high speed internet. I mean REALLY, men can pay $20 and get a girl half a world away to perform any act he wants on camera, why the hell does he need to put for the effort with love notes, flowers, dinners, and sweet nothings for the hope of possible missionary later?

Most people, men and women alike, don't even realize what romance means. Its literal meaning is the intimate relationship between two people. Romance isn't all directed from the man all to the women, or visa versa, it's a group effort. One sided love is probably the worst feeling in the world...trust me I've lived through it but I've never wanted to die more in my life. It's not about fancy gifts, hot spots to go to, or elaborate gestures. It's the little things, the very little things.

Leaving work and seeing a wild flower from the field next door on my car with note on the back of a receipt from your car saying, saw this flower....such beauty belongs together so I picked it for you.

An email at 1pm that pops into my inbox reminding me of a story we shared or moment we had months or years ago...just cause it popped in your head.

Touching my face when we kiss, walking in the door and hugging me first thing, reminding me you miss me even if you're only gone on a one day trip.

Waking up early knowing I have a long hard day ahead of me, just to make me coffee.

I once spent 2 days making a CD of English Punk 'love' songs for my ex. Let me tell you how much I knew about English Punk bands...NADA. Why did I do it? Cause he was English, and he loved that music...and it was fun to go through all this music and feel how I felt about him when I heard it. FYI you can find a love song in any music category.

I'm a card mailer, post card sender, sentimental, keep ever ticket stub, card, matchbook and flower kinda girl. I love it...not the Tiffany's, the Gibson’s, the 2 ct rings. Not the big house or the BMW, no white picket fences. The hands down best date I ever went on we didn't spend a dime, we volunteered at the animal shelter, went and saw the beach in March (beautiful by the way) and drove around neighborhoods I have never seen. (Thanks Andrew) It's not about what you give me, where you take me, but how you make me feel. Special, needed, wanted, beautiful, respected, inspired.

Unfortunately life is not the "Notebook" (FYI I've never even seen this movie because I'm positive it would anger me with lies and torment...kinda how I feel about Disney movies) Instead I'm surrounded by the 'settlers'. Look around, you are too. The men and women that settled down for the sake of "this could work" or "well, it seems like it should be the next logical step". Then they look at people like me, 30's and single and start with the "quotes". I'm beginning to think there's a book you all get when you get married and suddenly need something to tell your single friends.

"It'll happen when you least expect it" or "You're so great anyone would be lucky to have you."

My personal favorite, "You're just so independent, people are just intimated by that. They'll come around."

FYI people, these things are not compliments, they're condescending. I'd much rather hear "If you lost 20 pounds, maybe you'd stand a chance." It would sting a lot less. Honestly, I'd rather be single then settle.

So here's my question, after that first kiss, do you pick your path? Do you make a choice at that fork in the road that either leads you into the direction of a life of marriage, white picket fence and 2.5 kids or the direction of broken hearts, dirty sex, pints of ice cream and lots of empty bottles of wine?

Honestly, I'm happy being "Just Dawn" (love, my boys). My life full of wonderful family, beautiful love between my friends and I, and the romance I have with myself and who I want to be...well, that's pretty satisfying if you ask me. One day my "romance" could involve me waking up to that special someone excited to see them everyday, but until it does, I wake up everyday excited that I am in this beautiful love affair with all of you reading this.

Inspiration....where art thou?

I wish I felt inspired.

I wish I felt that rumbling in my tummy to write like the wind. The kind of thing that won't leave my mind until I write it down.

Lately, even in status messages on Facebook I've even felt empty and uninspired. What happened to that touch of creativity and douce of wittiness I once had?

Will anything or anyone bring that back out in me?

Or am I forever in a creativity/writers block?

UPDATE!!

UPDATE: 12/6/08

So I started all of this lifestyle change stuff on 11/22/08. Let me tell you it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I got REALLY emotional about it.

I know it sounds really silly, but eating every 3 hours and writing everything I ate down was a real challenge for me. It just made me feel really guilty about everything I ate and on top of it...make me sick to my stomach because I had this constant feeling that I was eating too much.

With the help of my friends (thanks Jimmy) it helped me realize I wasn't doing anything wrong. Imagine the 2 take out meals a day, even if it's "less food" its way more calories and fat. I know I know it's basic but I honestly need someone to tell me the basics sometimes to check me back into reality. It helped.

So week two was a lot easier. I am prepared with fruit, veggies, legumes, protein and even my vast array of multi-vitamins and medical meals. I have drank so much water its unbelievable how much more time I spend in the bathroom. I cut my coffee down to one cup a day...I had a half a cup of Jon Anderson’s coffee yesterday and got so hyper I almost ran in circles for an hour.

It's amazing how awake and alert I feel in one week. I have a cold, but feel NOTHING like I felt last year when I had one..It’s like a minor inconvenience not a train wreck like it has been in the past. Finding time for the gym has been harder to fit in, but I do what I can when I can. I'm taking a more relaxed approach to it. If I fall off the wagon, I don't feel as guilty and I just know I can pick up again the next day, or even the next meal.

Week 2 made me pretty proud of myself. Even more proud when I went in for my check up...even though I seem to be losing in my lean body mass...which isn't unusual in your first 2 weeks, I lost 9 pounds! NINE POUNDS. I can't tell you how thrilled I was that even though I struggled so much in that first week (and ate a whole pizza) I lost nine pounds.

What I'm doing is working, and that makes me feel really good. I'll keep you posted as it goes on ... right now .. the 40 oz of water I drank, and the 20 oz coffee, is desperately making me run for the nearest washroom.

Leave of Absence

All,

Ok, so here's the deal since my Facebook status sparked a furry of questions.

As of Friday I will be sort of M.I.A for the next 12 weeks. I will not be in hiding, I will not be in a hole (no one's giving me lotion in a basket), I'm not joining a cult (I don't like Kool-Aid that much) but I have decided to make some serious changes in my life.

I decided I do not want to be on my anxiety meds forever. Believe it or not someday I'd like to have the opportunity to start a family. With my health history, I would NOT be able to do that now or if I continue on this path. No, there's no one in my life (shocker) & NO I'M NOT PREGNANT.

In order for me to stop the anxiety attacks, and possibly start sleeping like a normal person someday I have to make some sacrifices and really make an effort to change my lifestyle. Some of you may get like this in 10 years, but I don't have 10 years to figure it all out. By then I'll be a diabetic, or have serious heart disease or worse. I know I don't tend to 'share' all my problems with all or any of you, but this is something that is really important that I have to do for me.

As of Friday I start a 12 week therapeutic lifestyle program called Firstline Therapy. Basically it's individualized program for me based on blood tests, medical history and time management. It is something my doctor is strongly encouraging me to do and really feels that it will help me get off the meds and on a better path. With any kind of medical or non medical life change, this won't happen overnight, but to simplify it's a program that will help me change my unhealthy habits and forms of behavior.

I desperately need to develop a way to get some 'mental clarity'. As much as I truly love all of you, my main problem is I forget about myself. I worry or take care of everyone else before myself, and lets face it, when I need the help...I don't or won't ask for it. This last year has been extremely difficult for me. Financially I'm destroyed, emotionally I'm crippled, and physically I just can't seem to function properly anymore. I'm not happy, and I haven't been for a long time.

Please do not take any of this personally. I, of course, will ALWAYS be here for any and all of you. If you really need to talk and know I'll get it (Matt) ... I'm here. If you want to stop by and say hi (Katie)... you know where I live. If you just think of something that will make me laugh (Nikki) .. I would love to hear it. Or really need the house cleaned (Alex and Jon) before the health department condemn your place, let me know. But I can not fix your problems or make them my own anymore. 30 years of that have made my body and mind that of a 60 year old. I'm literally falling apart and if you want to keep the Dawn you know and I hope love, I will need every bit of encouragement as possible to keep me on the right track to make sure I don't have my first stroke at 37 like my father.

Trust me when I say this was a rough decision to make. Taking control of your life never is... Not to mention the rough road I'll be taking for the next 12 weeks. I will slip, I will probably fall right on my face a few times though it. I just hope at the end of it all, you'll all still be there and really encourage me to go in the right direction. ... my God I sound like I'm going into rehab!

I'm still 'Just Dawn', I'm still going to pop in to see you from time to time...you are all like family (or are family for that matter). I thrive on the social setting surrounded by those I love the most (all of you) ... it would be impossible for me not to speak with you all or disappear off the planet, you just won't see me as often. With the holidays coming anyway you'll barely even realize I'm gone :) Although if you want to buy me some wicked presents I'm all about it...

Ok, I'm done. If I have ALREADY made plans with you before I made this decision (Jon Anderson I will still try and get us in for Crystal Method, Jimmy I'm still coming to visit!) I will live up to my obligations to you. Otherwise, I hope you'll throw me an email, or a text, or even a phone call from time to time and say hi. (by the way, I somehow left my phone at home today)

Happy Holidays to all of you, I wish the best to you and your families. If I don't have your address I'll need it soon for Christmas cards! See you all sooner than later, or around Valentines day...

Love,

Dawn

I LOVE this new Kayne....

Everyone's been there at least once. Or I like to think I'm not the only one anyway.


I’m not loving you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know
Never, never know
Never know enough
Til it’s over love
Til we lose control
System overload
Screamin no no no no no

I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool
So I keep it true
I got something to lose
So I gotta move
I can’t keep myself
And still keep you too

So I keep in mind
When I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home
In the danger zone
How many times did I tell you
‘fore it finally got through
You lose you lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
See I had to go
See I had to move
No more wastin’ time
You can’t wait for life
Were just racin’ time
Where’s the finish line

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I’ve been no one new
I got no one new
No I said I’m through
But got love for you
But I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

Gotta keep it going
Keep the lovin’ going
Keep it on a role
Only god knows
If I’ll be with you
Baby I’m confused
You choose, you choose

I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to
Where I want to go
I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road
Too many times before
I’m not lovin you
Way I wanted to

You lose
You lose
You lose
You lose

Who had a good weekend?

Go ahead guess?

Ok, ok, it was me. After running a fever from late Thursday into Friday I wasn't sure it was going to be all that great of a weekend, but it turned out perfect.

Saturday Erich came over with his daughter, who painted me a picture I'm now using as fridge art. She was too cute and so well behaved the whole day! Normally taking kids to the city can be one of two things. Totally scary and horrendous, or fun exciting and enlightening. It was defiantly the latter.

Iz pointed out things only a child would notice since lets face it we adults don't see the obvious anymore. She walked all over Michigan Ave and State Street. We went to Lego Land, the Disney store, the Sears Tower, and even to lunch. It was fun to catch up with Erich, get to know his daughter, and the weather was PERFECT that day.

By the time the day was over, we had one tired girl on our hands. I drove down Lake Shore Drive to show the sights and sounds of the lake shore like Navy Pier's Ferris wheel lit up at night. Erich and I ended up at Friday's across from my house with a little girl all curled up in the booth sleeping off the day. Really I couldn't have asked for a better day. My legs hurt the next day, but no pain no gain really :)

Sunday was another good day. I got to take my kiddies out. Kayleen needed a homecoming dress and who better to take her than Aunt Dawn. Since my brother and sister in law were at work, I got Zach and Emma too. Nothing like taking a 9 year old boy and a baby dress shopping let me tell you. I eliminated the outlet mall after 45 minutes of hooker dresses made of paper I think and shoved all the kids back into the car and sped off to Vernon to a REAL mall.

All I can say is ONE STORE!! That's it! 10 dresses max tried on and one she fell in love with. Honestly it fit her like a glove! Funny thing is she thought her dress was going to be like $150, NOT in my presence! The dress was marked from $80 to $39.00, and when we got to the register, it rang up for $25! HOLLA! With the necklace and earring she got she spent a total of $40.00, all she needs now is shoes and undies. I'm good at this. :)

Good thing too cause I was LOSING the 9 year old and 16 month old FAST. I treated Zach to a sundae at McDonalds for being so good on our way to my Aunts house for lunch. I gotta tell you though, after all that, by 430, I was DONE! My immune system isn't all back up to par and I ran like the dickens for 2 days straight!

Monday my trainer called me, guess what? He has the flu! It's going around I suppose. He asked if we could start on Monday the 6th instead, although I could feel free to get my butt to the gym myself. Well, yesterday I went and chopped all my hair off (ok not all of it but a good 6 inches) and went to look for a dress for the weddings I have the next few weekends. So...no gym for me. Tonight, I'm having dinner with Beccathena, well possible dinner. If not, I'm attempting the gym instead. I am still fighting this cold/flu thing I have so who knows how long I'll be there, but here's to hoping :)

GET EXCITED!!

Guess what starts for me again on Monday? No no...guess...it's BOOT CAMP TIME!!

This time not so 7 days a week since I have WAY too much going on in the month of October. Weddings, Becky coming into town, family days on Sundays it's just too complicated to commit to 7 days a week and get all my other things done. You know like laundry and cleaning the house....

My schedule will go like this...

Monday - 1 hour of pure hell (if not more since it's an early day at work an my buddy knows it)

Tuesday - 1/2 hour strength training (which if you know me you know I SUCK at doing unless someone makes me)

Wednesday - 1 hour cardio easily enough

Thursday - 1/2 hour strength training

Friday - 1 hour of pure hell (if not more since it's my day off)

I'll be taking Saturdays and Sundays off for the time being since I have work and weddings and Stan's 20th reunion coming up. Sundays are family days since my Aunt has been going downhill quickly since the cancer reached her lymphnoids ... sigh.

But what better time huh? It's not going to be easy at all, but I started this once I can end this now. I was doing really well until my friend moved to Cali and I cut my hand open. (Excuses, excuses) Well, he's back for 2 months for work, and he's willing to get me back into the swing of things if I'm willing to do the work.


Wish me luck. :)