Quote of the day...

Let me set you up first. I wear a radiation badge at work due to the fact that I work in a dental office that takes Xrays several times a day....while playing with the ID badge my co-worker says....

Co-worker: So do you think being exposed to all this radiation will prevent us from having kids someday?

Me: I'm pretty sure my sex life is what's preventing me from having children so I'm ok with the radiation at this point.

A little something

So I know everyone and their brother is commenting on this whole Health Ledger death thing, but I wanted to throw a little something out there.

I myself am looking at this in a whole different light than most. I myself have been struggling with insomnia and sleep deprivation for as long as I can remember. It's called restless mind syndrome and it's a living hell. When you finally get the chance to lie down and relax, your brain won't shut off. There's no rhyme or reason as to why, it just doesn't. My brain work more and longer in a night than it does in a full work day.

There's no switch to through, or special meditation, or magic pill to take, it just something you have to learn to live with. Since I've had it for so long, I myself have learned to cope. I did have some pretty scary instances, even a hospital stay due to my NEED to sleep. I even took too many sleep meds myself before. NOT because I wanted to die, just because I wanted my brain to shut off for a few hours so I could get some much needed rest.

Have you ever not gotten enough sleep at night and wandered around in a sort of 'fog' of caffeine and grogginess the next day. Do you think you make clear and rational decisions in that state? Well image spending EVERYDAY in that state for month or in my case YEARS on end. It's a challenge to get through everyday, well now it's a lot better than it used to be mostly because I'm learning how to get through the days and nights better. Some nights are good, I don't wake up every 20 minutes, I sleep more than 2 hours. Some are worse, I stay awake for 24 to 48 hours at a time wishing for my body just to give out and let me get just 10 minutes. It's a guessing game though. I never know what it's going to be like. It's my own personal hell, and that's probably why I have so much self loathing, too much self reflection.

Regardless, I consider myself lucky. Lucky I know what my problem is, and how to have learned self control. Heath Ledger wasn't so lucky, in his state of mind, he thought taking a mix of prescription drugs and OTC sleep meds would be helpful to him. I don't think for a second he wanted to leave his daughter and this world at such a young age with nothing but the world at his feet. My heart goes out to his family and friends, and especially that little girl of his. Hopefully this is a wake up call for all those people who suffer like I do. Don't try and solve your problems with 'magic pills' it just won't work, there's no such thing. Learn to live life the best you can with your disease, trust me it's the only thing that you can do.

Starting new for 2008

For me 2007 could not have ended fast enough.

From day one of this year it's been all down hill. NYE was the day after my best friends wedding and after driving for what seemed like 10 hours, I was home long enough to change my clothes eat a quick as hell dinner and out the door again to go out with friends that wouldn't take no for an answer.

It was fun for the most part....a bit of drama but nothing too big. And then the year got off to it's shitty start.

I had been unhappy at my job for a while by the new year, but I really didn't see me doing anything about it. Really, how and when would I find time to find a new job, and lord knows I can't be without one. For me it just kept getting worse and worse. I started to feel more worthless in my daily life.

Let's face it, I don't have a husband, boyfriend, kids or much of a life so my job means everything to me. I define myself by what I do everyday, and everyday I was slipping into a deeper and deeper depression brought on by a corporation that didn't deserve my dedication. By July, I decided to take control of my life again, little did I know, I was going to spin myself into a downward spiral of depression, self loathing and chaos.

So far in 2007 I had a total of FIVE jobs! North American, Santa's Best, TMP, Power Plate, and Northfield Labs. That's more jobs in 5 months than I've had in 10 years. I thought I was depressed and self loathing before, after all that I couldn't even begin to tell you how much I just wanted to jump off a bridge.

So when I got the position at Northfield Labs, I knew it was temporary, but I also knew I really needed to start 2008 on a better foot than I did 2007. I made the mistake of living off my credit cards for the months that I was on and off work. Not the smartest thing I've ever done, but at the moment I had no choice, or at least I didn't feel like I did. I hid a lot of my problems from my family and friends, I already felt like a loser, I didn't need anyone else to SHARE it with me. Well when I started at Northfield I though the least I could do is to try and head in a better direction....so I took some steps.

First of all I admitted I was in over my head. Sound silly? Well, it's an important step to take. It's like admitting your and alcoholic...you just have to get over that denial your putting on yourself.

Next, I figured out HOW much debt I was in, and then did a LOT of research and found a credit counseling service that helped me consolidate my debt.

Last, I found a new full time job. Northfield ended their temp position with me 2 months sooner than they told me. So the day before Christmas weekend, I was jobless again. I spent the next 5 days sitting on my computer sending out my resume to about 60 places. It was, to say the least, tiring! But it paid off. I had a few great interviews and was offered two positions. One was for a software company being a sales assistant, the other an office manager for a dental practice. While one offered me a considerable amount of money more than the other, I decided to go with the dental practice.

Why you may ask? Well, money doesn't make the world go round....at least I don't think it does. As much as I could use some right now, I took a few jobs this year with the promise of more money ... and look where it got me. Plus, I left a large corporation because I didn't like the way I was treated, I figure in this small practice, I can be treated like an individual and appreciated for my ability. 5 years from now I could be in a position to help him open a larger practice and I'm pretty happy to be in the place that I am. The money isn't so bad that I couldn't survive...so why sacrifice happiness for cash? I decided against it. I've been there a week and so far so good. I'm pretty content.

Now, that was my 'job life' of 2007 as for the rest of my life? Well, it's pretty uneventful. I had a few dates before the new year, some good, some god awful horrible. *note to future dates, please don't do stupid things like talk about my rack, invite me to 'spend the night' because you feel I've had too many (aka 3 drinks in 5 hours), point out my flaws, or order dinner for me....it's not good...not good at all.* I was feeling a little bad about my situation so I don't think my heart was all into the dating thing when I attempted to per sue it. The good dates ended up being very cool guys, but I just wasn't all there for them...so pretty much I'm still really bad at dating.

I did get into touch with some old friends...and I'm thankful for it. Very thankful. My friends have been the little bit of joy and happiness in my life lately. They are there when the jobs, my self esteem and the money isn't, thank god.

So more than ever I was glad I got to end 2007 and begin 2008 with a new job, a few new/old friends, and the building back of my self esteem. Who knows, by the next new year, I could be a whole new woman....

doubt it :)