Just FYI

I've had a couple of people comment to me privately about my blogs on Valentines and how I hate February.

I love that you all read my blogs, that's awesome to me, but please keep in mind ... blogging is like therapy to me. I have to get it out in order to feel better. Normally by the time I'm done writing the blog, I have a feeling of relief already with me, just cause I got it out of my system. My mind has always been one to run at about 100 miles an hour, and the only way I can clear some of the things out of it, is to write it down.

Most people choose not to do this publicly, but I'm not ashamed of how I feel, so I put it out there.I know my blogs can sometimes sound like I'm depressed, bitter, lonely, and generally unhappy....but really, I'm not. I do get lonely, I do get depressed, but all in all .. I'm pretty happy where I am in my life. Not many people could have gone through some of the things I have in life and turned out so grounded and independent.

I'm happy to be my families 'failure' so to speak. I might be nearly 30 and nothing and I own nothing and have a ok job, but I'm at a pretty good spot for ME in my life. I believe there's a plan for everyone, and as angry as I get sometimes for the bad hand I get dealt, I also know that without suffering there would be no compassion.

Thank you all for 'checking' on me to make sure I wasn't going to jump off a bridge. Trust me, I'm not. Keep checking in, I'll be bad with more good and bad moments I'm sure :)

I loathe February

Thank GOD it's a short month, but it's that time of the year again.

The time of the year that I really dis-like the most....

I made it through Thanksgiving in November. Not too much drama this year and I got to see a bunch of people from my high school days I haven't seen in while.

I made it through Christmas in December. Found out my sister-in-law is pregnant, got a lot of
'it'll happen for you too someday' talk. BUT all in all, I made it without losing my mind.

New Years in December/January. Best friend got married, yep I cried. It was an end to an era. So many good times being bad :) But I'm SO happy he found someone like Jen to share his life with. Funny, they all thought I'D be the first. Proved them wrong huh? :) Then went out and got crazy for the NYE just to remember that I could ... Rehash some hay day times that I used to have when I wasn't the mom of the group, but the crazy one instead. Thanks Jenky and Scott for making me go in the first place.

Now, February comes around....and I get all blah again. Valentine's, what a stupid holiday, but it totally makes EVERY single girl feel like the biggest piece of crap doesn't it. I don't even believe in this holiday. I tend to call it ... the nationwide celebration of my parents anniversary, but still....now they're playing all the 'romantic comedies' and 'love stories' on TV. Every commercial has some romantic theme to it, cripes....even every TV show has some 'Valentines' motif to it.

I want to throw up.

The reason why I take Valentines so hard? Two reasons.

Reason #1. Next month is the end of my 'holiday' season with it being my birthday. Granted Easter is right around the corner, but who gets 'depressed' during Easter? Every Valentines, I'm alone, and every Valentines I just think of how in a month I'm going to be another year older and start another year alone. How depressing.

Reason # 2. I WANT the romance damnit! I've done the 'dirty' so to speak, and I can get a man to "want" me (notice the quotes here people) but it's never in a romantic kind of way. I've been there, done that with all the 'fun' stuff so to speak. I've danced on bars, I've make out in corners, I've had some pretty wild times.....with and without the drug years. (I'm keeping this clean in order NOT to freak out my family members....) I had trysts in my life that would make you blush to say the least, but that's not what I want anymore. I'm bored with it. It's not fun anymore. I want the romance, I want someone to WANT to send me flowers and surprise me with romantic dates, or getaways. I want the fairy tale even though I know it doesn't exist, but the older I get the more I want the movie ending. Just cause I hang out with the guys doesn't mean I'm not a girl on the inside.

I'm not even talking about all the commitment and marriage thing. I'm talking about the moonlight walk, the wine picnic, the creativity date because you thought I was worth the trouble of planning it, the sending me flowers cause you thought of me and it made you smile...so you wanted to make me smile too. Is this too much for a girl to want? I don't think it is. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic, mainly because I think it's dead and hopeless. Thought I found it once, thought there was potential....then I caught him texting me and SEVERAL other women at the same time the same 'cutesy' text messages. That was over before it even started. Note to all of you out there: I'M NOT STUPID! I hang out with mostly men, so I know when it's genuine and when your just trying to get in my pants....

Where did these guys go? And if there out there, how come I can't find them? I know I pick the wrong men. The 'getting a divorce guy', the 'large child' the 'disappear from the planet' guy, the 'drug accident/alcoholic' guy, and even the 'guy with a girlfriend but still looking to get in my pants for fails to mention his girlfriend to me' guy. Not one guy that I have ever 'chosen' to date has every had any ambition in life to want to do anything with life, let alone try and be romantic for me. I've dated the older, the way older, the younger, the I should be in jail (just kidding!) and NONE of them have ever stepped up to the plate.

Maybe that's why I go through men, because I'm willing to be 'that' girl for them...but they aren't willing to be that guy for me and eventually, it gets old. I'm realistic....I don't want you to fly me to Paris, or buy me diamonds, I just want you to surprise me by making me a candlelight dinner for two.

Ok, I'm getting depressed form my own conversation. So my soon to be 29 never experience romance self, is ending this conversation. It's almost not worth talking about anymore anyway.