Desperately seeking ....

Inspiration. . .

Dear Lord it's been a while since I've written....and I have a lot to say, but nothing that inspires me to sit in front of this computer for too long.

I'll tell you what, maybe I'll try it when it's NOT 1:45 in the morning. That could help.

Life cut short....

It's hard to realize how much your life can change from one day to the next.

One week ago I was laughing, singing loudly, and having drinks with friends in a little bar in my hometown. Flashing back to the old days, laughing how stupid we were....laughing on how stupid we ARE....rediscovering each other after years apart.

3 days ago I was joking about my 'date' with Nick, singing Toto's 'Rosanna' at 2:45 in the morning...

Yesterday, everything changed and the laughter stopped.

Chad Stevens has passed. Tragically taken so early in life. A child barely into adulthood is now gone without reason or warning. Death seems to know no boundries between young and old.

It's hard to think someone my age, or in this case younger than I, could die at such a young age. I'll admit, everyday I wake up hating my life in some way or another, I don't want to go to work, I'm in debt, I have too much to do at home...and so on and so on. But even though I wake up every morning with sigh, I also wake up happy to have just woken up. I myself never expected to make it to where I have now, but now that I have, I feel more alive now than I ever have. I can't concieve how one minute your with someone and tomorrow it can all be just history and memories.

It's not fair, is it? How can you take someone so young? Chad just graduated from college a few years ago, his life had just begun. As I write this I think to myself....why do we feel so invincible just because we're young?

This is the second person in just a few months that has died at such a young age. Rest in peace Ms. Tara. I did not know you, but I knew your girls and I know how much they loved you. A girl whose life was taken by one dose of Tylonel. It makes me start to think that maybe, none of us are as invinciable as we think we might be.....

Some people say that death is what gives life it's meaning. It's like a story, there's a begining (birth) a middle (life) and an end (death). It inevitably makes me ponder the age old question about the 'meaning' of life. The 'middle' is supposed to be your plot in life all those thing you've done until the end makes your story, but what if you get taken early? I've heard the meaning of life is giving life meaning, but what if you were right in the middle of developing that meaning?

You know how you feel when you turely care about someone and you look into thier eyes, the whole world stops, your heart seems to get bigger and you want nothing more than to be in that moment. Or when you hear from an old friend you cared so much about then and you can't do anything but smile and reminise. Or when your first child is born and you realize THIS must be the reason God put you on this planet. Or even as simple as 'nearly' getting into that car accident and when you take that really deep sigh when it doesn't happen, you look at yourself in the mirror and just have that sudden ... 'I'm alive' moment. All of these moments and much much more I think have to do with the 'meaning' of life.

I hurt so much to think that Chad and Tara will never get to have all of these moments. Only experiences one or two moments in life seems like a putting a dollar in the jukebox and only getting a 1/2 a song to play. I hope and pray that there's a moment right before you die, a 'flash' if you will of all of the feelings you 'should have' felt. Everything, from love to loss. That's the only reason it could all make sense and seem 'fair'.

As they say in life...it isn't fair. I hope in death is a little more accomodating. We all have our own truth, because none of us know for sure. We can only live each day as if it could be our last...none of us will, but it's a nice thought isn't it. I read in a book once written by a women who had a claimed to have an experience when she nearly died. It claimed basically we were all put here for a 'purpose' and no matter how insignifcant that 'purpose' may seem to some....the purpose was truely important.

Well Chad, your purpose was turely important. You touched many lives and brought joy to even more. May your purpose continue even into your death.

Thank You Chad. Your 'purpose' and memories will not be forgotten.