...finding myself

So I haven't blogged in a bit. Mainly because I've been battling some serious demons. I decided to let you in on some of it.

To put it bluntly, I have insomina. That might not seem so bad at first glance. I've had on and off insomnia for about 11 years now. Trust me, it's not fun. 11 years ago when this first started I landed in the hospital. Not the good part either, the psych unit with the other crazy cats who suffered from everything from behavior disorders to alcoholism to suicidal attempts. I was there for what seemed like forever, and when I left I was really no better than when I started....but at least I was sleeping. Skip forward 1 year later and I had a drug problem. Started out hanging with the wrong people ended with a drug habit because what else is there to do at 2am than stay up with the other coke heads. This type of thing went on and on about every two years...the sleeping not the drugs.

Now at 28 and sober the cycle starts again.

The last 2 or 3 months now I haven't been sleeping. You see, even when I do actually finally FALL asleep, I don't STAY asleep. I wake myself up violently throughout the night. With the pushing of my mother and father, decided to finally get help. Mainly because my little sleep disorder was slowly driving me crazy and affecting my work. Turns out, I'm more than just tired. I have an anxiety problem as well. I always knew that, but never wanted to admit it. I didn't want the drugs, especially after I sobered up. I hated the drugs they put me on in the hospital and only took them for a few months after. But now I see where it's just not going to get better unless I just let it go and take the meds. There's so many advances with medication now a days I'm sure I can find one that I don't hate.

Now those of you who know me may be confused, I don't seem THAT anxious all the time. Ok, so I go like wildfire most of the time working the two jobs, but anxious, not really. Well, I'll tell you a secret. Most of the time I am. You see, I can't NOT sweat the small stuff. The small stuff it what makes me crazy. I get jumpy and my mind races in millions of directions and I can't make a firm decision to save my life with out freaking out about it in my mind. Trust me the movie rental place is my worst enemy. Even sitting in the doctors office I couldn't sit still or stop shaking, not out of fear or nervousness, just pure anxiety. It's slowly effected everything in my life. Work, relationships, friendships, family...everything. I could cry at the drop of a hat, yet get angry in the same minute, all at the same time as keeping a smile on my face and not letting the world see. It seemed like a weight being lifted when I told the doctor all this and he told me it' s NOT normal and that it can be helped.

I started a regimen of Ambien CR to help me go to sleep and stay asleep. Which, let me tell you, is a WONDERFUL thing. I've only been on it for about a week but it's doing it's thing and working for me. I can't remember the last time I SLEPT for 8 hours straight without waking up. I'm also on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. It releases chemicals in my brain I wasn't producing before. I apparently produce TOO much adrenaline too so that wasn't helping one bit. The anti-anxiety meds will take about 3 weeks to kick in so until then I'm trying to be a little low key to let my body absorb what it needs to.

It's rough to admit you have a problem. I'm in no way bi-polar, but I have my high and lows because of this. It's heredity I found out, and if you ever met my mom....you know what side of the family I get it from. I'm glad I'm finally doing something to make ME better for once. I've spent most of my years trying to make others happy and worrying about not fulfilling others wants and needs that it's good to think of me first for once.

I'm already in a better mood just sleeping. I can't wait till the other meds kick in. I'll keep you posted.