...finding myself

So I haven't blogged in a bit. Mainly because I've been battling some serious demons. I decided to let you in on some of it.

To put it bluntly, I have insomina. That might not seem so bad at first glance. I've had on and off insomnia for about 11 years now. Trust me, it's not fun. 11 years ago when this first started I landed in the hospital. Not the good part either, the psych unit with the other crazy cats who suffered from everything from behavior disorders to alcoholism to suicidal attempts. I was there for what seemed like forever, and when I left I was really no better than when I started....but at least I was sleeping. Skip forward 1 year later and I had a drug problem. Started out hanging with the wrong people ended with a drug habit because what else is there to do at 2am than stay up with the other coke heads. This type of thing went on and on about every two years...the sleeping not the drugs.

Now at 28 and sober the cycle starts again.

The last 2 or 3 months now I haven't been sleeping. You see, even when I do actually finally FALL asleep, I don't STAY asleep. I wake myself up violently throughout the night. With the pushing of my mother and father, decided to finally get help. Mainly because my little sleep disorder was slowly driving me crazy and affecting my work. Turns out, I'm more than just tired. I have an anxiety problem as well. I always knew that, but never wanted to admit it. I didn't want the drugs, especially after I sobered up. I hated the drugs they put me on in the hospital and only took them for a few months after. But now I see where it's just not going to get better unless I just let it go and take the meds. There's so many advances with medication now a days I'm sure I can find one that I don't hate.

Now those of you who know me may be confused, I don't seem THAT anxious all the time. Ok, so I go like wildfire most of the time working the two jobs, but anxious, not really. Well, I'll tell you a secret. Most of the time I am. You see, I can't NOT sweat the small stuff. The small stuff it what makes me crazy. I get jumpy and my mind races in millions of directions and I can't make a firm decision to save my life with out freaking out about it in my mind. Trust me the movie rental place is my worst enemy. Even sitting in the doctors office I couldn't sit still or stop shaking, not out of fear or nervousness, just pure anxiety. It's slowly effected everything in my life. Work, relationships, friendships, family...everything. I could cry at the drop of a hat, yet get angry in the same minute, all at the same time as keeping a smile on my face and not letting the world see. It seemed like a weight being lifted when I told the doctor all this and he told me it' s NOT normal and that it can be helped.

I started a regimen of Ambien CR to help me go to sleep and stay asleep. Which, let me tell you, is a WONDERFUL thing. I've only been on it for about a week but it's doing it's thing and working for me. I can't remember the last time I SLEPT for 8 hours straight without waking up. I'm also on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. It releases chemicals in my brain I wasn't producing before. I apparently produce TOO much adrenaline too so that wasn't helping one bit. The anti-anxiety meds will take about 3 weeks to kick in so until then I'm trying to be a little low key to let my body absorb what it needs to.

It's rough to admit you have a problem. I'm in no way bi-polar, but I have my high and lows because of this. It's heredity I found out, and if you ever met my mom....you know what side of the family I get it from. I'm glad I'm finally doing something to make ME better for once. I've spent most of my years trying to make others happy and worrying about not fulfilling others wants and needs that it's good to think of me first for once.

I'm already in a better mood just sleeping. I can't wait till the other meds kick in. I'll keep you posted.

Reflection...

on the birthday.

Yes, this past Sunday I turned ANOTHER year older. Some don't want to admit stuff like that but I will stand tall and shout from the rooftops..... "I once again have turned ... 21?"

Shut up Kivi.

Well, I have to admit it was a good one this year. After getting my settlement check from a fall I had at Bennigans nearly 2 years ago I had a little extra cash. Since I've tucked away a couple thou....I thought why not by myself something nice.

I've always wanted nice jewelry, but never had the sense to actually date anyone who could afford my taste, so last Friday I went and bought THIS! Now it took me about 3 days to decide on this bracelet, but once I decided...I HAD to have it...NOW. I even when on my lunch break with a co-worker to go get it. It was a girlie mission ;)

Funny part to this story comes on Monday when my bestest friend Beth calls and asks me to met her for dinner. Fantastic, Beth's in town I'm THERE. We don't see as much of each other as we would like, so the moments we get we cherish. Now earlier in the week, I had emailed her about the bracelet and how excited I was. She thought I bought the necklace....and freaked a bit...why you ask? Because randomly at before I had even made my purchase of the bracelet, she had already bought me THIS!

I am SO Tiffany's right now with my 'collection'.

Now you gotta LOVE a best friend who knows you WELL enough to pick out a necklace for you not having a clue sometime later I was going to pick out the exact bracelet to match. That's LOVE folks. And I love her dearly....with or without the Tiffany's....

....but the Tiffany's makes it much shinier :)

I love you my dearest gal pal. You are the best through thick and thin you've been there for me through the last "years" of our lives. We've had some fun times (boating on the Chicago River), some hot times (Gibsons...or Eric's basement even) and some bad times (my 2nd time turning 21...) but all in all they have been GREAT years spent with you and I'm glad you were there to spend them.

You've proved yourself as a true blue (Tiffany's blue even) best friend and I'm lucky to have you. I hope I have only done the same for you. Kisses and love my dear. I owe you like 4 for this years gift. I'll have to think of something GOOD for the big ... 9th time you turn 21. ;)

One of the funniest things

....ever created in Photoshop, in my opinion of course.

Laugh it's FUNNY!

Will you visit me?

In PRISON that is cause apparently were arresting drunk people IN bars now.

Apparently it's public intoxication. Well people I hate to tell you this, but I've been drunk in bars SO many times in my lifetime...I'm pretty sure I'm set up for a life sentence when this reaches Chicago.

Geebuz people first you kill my business with your damn smoking ban and now your going to arrest my customers FROM the place. Great, next stop prohibition!

I'll be starting the first speak-easy when it happens too. Complete with bath tub gin. Now all I need is Homer Simpson with the bowling balls :)

And you WONDER why people annoy me?!

This last post was supposed to be neutral enough not to point anyone out....

...but since you asked....

I also have a friend who's a slut, and one who's hell bent on losing his virginity.

A friend that never seems to be drunk no matter how much they drink, and one who gets drunk on 2 Lynchburg Lemonades at Friday's.

A friend that's completlely serious at all times, and one who can endlessly make me laugh with jokes about my pooper. (those are jokes right?!)

....better TFK?

Getting serious for a moment.....

I have determined I sometimes really don't like people too much....

...not all people just most.

Ok, maybe don't like is harsh, considering what the rest of the post will be about. But I can tell you I don't understand how our society thinks now-a-days. Now everyone has their opinion and I respect that, why can't others respect others just the same.

People do and choose different ways of life for a reason. Some things just aren't a choice.

I myself am a straight girl who happens to be a ridiculously independent work-a-holic. I'm liberal, with conservative tendencies. I don't believe in organized religion, but I believe there is a higher power. I believe in Karma...A LOT, what goes around comes around if you like it or not. I also think there's a reason for each and every one of us to be on this planet. We all have a goal, once accomplished, we move on. No one's goal is set in stone, but it's out there.

Now I have MANY friends and family that beat to the tune of a different drummer. My mom is VERY Catholic, my father, a un-religious recovering alcoholic turned work-a-holic. (you wonder where I get it from)

One brother with a wife, 2 kids, a cat, and a crazy big house. Another, living across the country served in the armed forces, and just happens to be gay. (now that takes guts!)

One sister with the 'perfect' husband and a stay at home mom. Another sister who lives an alternative lifestyle and works with kids with disabilities.

One friend in college and working full time to pay their way through life at the same time trying to reach a goal. Another, a full time student riding on their parents money.

One friend hell bent on getting married to someone they love. Another hell bent on NEVER getting married.

One friend with more tattoos and piercing than you can shake a stick at....but I don't advise it cause you might get caught in a ring or two. Another believes your body is a temple and any kind of damage done will damage your Karma.

I love them all equally. Some I've known my whole life, some I'm just getting to know, but they are all like family to me. I look at people no matter how strange an unusual I think they may be as a new experience for me to learn from.

Just because someone is gay doesn't mean I have to be because I'm related or am friends with them. That's THEIR lifestyle. Or just because someone was fortunate enough to be born into money doesn't mean they should be cast off as the 'rich bitch'. Or even just because someone doesn't work as much as I do doesn't me they don't put their all into what they do choose to do.

Now don't get me wrong. There are exceptions to EVERY rule. That's how we came up with stereotypes in the first place. Some rich kids are brats, some gay people are not the nicest people in the world, some married couples aren't as happy as they appear. Some people's religions do help them cope with everyday life. But honestly there are opposite to all of those stereotypes.

You have to learn to accept people for who they are and understand that you may or may not like things about them. Hell, I can't think on one person I know that I like EVERYTHING about. Including myself. Just remember it's all about learning. Everyday you get up and walk out into the world is a learning experience.

You don't have to agree with people's choices in life. You don't even have to like them. Just remember they have NO effect on how you live your life.

Their are people out there who live an alternative lifestyle...deal...it doesn't effect you what so ever. They aren't coming into your house and snatching your children to make them gay. They aren't 'recruiting' for the other side. They are simply trying live their lives and trying to be HAPPY.

Their are people out there who are crazy religious...and some just regularly religious. Yes, the their are the one's who knock on your door and recruit, but when you kindly say no thank you, they move on....they don't egg your house or burn crosses in your yard because you weren't interested. They would rather be invited in one house out of a thousand for that one person who wants to listen the 999 that could care less.

I've even heard many times over the years....why haven't you gotten married yet....well frankly, I haven't met 'that' guy yet. Not to mention, what's so perfect about marriage anyway. It will in no way 'complete' me as a person. It will only re-enforce my love and want to spend the rest of my life with someone else. But, I don't knock the people who are married. Good or bad. Trust me my folks have been through some ROUGH times. I look at them in awe of the fact they've been married for 30 years! How often do you hear that now?!

Ok, before I get totally out of control (or is it too late) my point is....listen people, just listen! You may learn a little something. You may actually like that 'rich bitch' or that 'raging homo'. Really, you could ... trust me STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED!!!

Open you mind to new opportunities. It's fun to get to know people. Try it you may like it. I promise it doesn't hurt.

Yup...that about sums it up

As spring approaches, a parable...

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a long pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the perfect pot always delivered a full portion of water and the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled. "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.