Guess who's still sick....

ME!


I'm feeling better due to the tons of oj and cold meds, but not 100% that's for sure. I stayed home yesterday due to the fact I had NO voice and would've been no good here yesterday anyway, and I'm trying to rest up for the weekend.

I did have a date yesterday....Obviously I was sick and that went right out the window. He ended up going to watch the Illini game with his boss. He felt bad that I wasn't feeling well and stopped by after the game was over.

I was already lying down for the night, so he curled up next to me and dealt with my forensic files shows that I watch till we both feel asleep for the night. He's a lucky guy he didn't have to work today, so he sat around with me this morning as I got ready for work, complaining the whole time I didn't want to go cause I felt crappy.

In case your mind is in the gutter....there was no hanky panky. I felt crappy, can't feel crappy and sexy at the same time. It was nice....and made me not want to come to work today. I've missed waking up next to someone.

Well the B day is tomorrow. Things are lookin' up....so.... Let the fun begin....

I'm sick.

This time not even emotional sick like I have been, but REALLY sick. My chest is heavy, my eyelids are hot, my body aches. I think I may have the flu. Damn you Cathy for bringing your germs to work with you.

The one thing I hate about being sick....I can't make up my damn mind worth crap. One moment I want to be alone with my sickness and for the whole world to go away. The next I want to be held and someone to make soup for me.

Granted I'm an indecisive person anyway, ask anyone. I can't make up my mind in a movie store! But when I'm sick....it's about a bazillion times worse. I'm a cranky beeacth. I NEED to be better because I'm haveing people over on Saturday and I have brunch on Sunday! I need to be better by tomorrow because I have a kinda of/sort of date....Damn you flu for choosing the worst time ever!

If I feel bad tomorrow...I'm calling off. Screw you cold I'm gonna kick your ASS!

Ahh....it looks as though a certain someone is still reading this blog.

And in answer to the question why don't I just let go and move on....well, it hasn't been as easy for me as it has been for him. Especially when I get the I told you so's when I'm not even asking advice.

I am moving on with my life, just not as quickly or convenient as he would like. I held out hope for us and now, I'm in an anger phase, a phase where I would LOVE to get some revenge and make him feel like I feel. And trust me I COULD, but I'm bigger than that and I won't.

I am at a point where I feel strange even trying to start something with another man when I'm still in love with someone else. I am trying, I have had offers....Numerous in fact. And one day I will take up one of those offers, for right now. I vent....I vent because I care and I hurt, not because I can't move on. And what better place to do that than your blog.

I am giving him all the space he desires, I don't talk, don't call, don't email him. Even though I'd like to. I have told a total of 5 people about what he's done, and they have told no one. I could shout it out loud and let everyone know, but I don't. I've even defended him when people tell me he's an asshole, because I know that's not true. I never say anything bad about his new girlfriend (well unless in the privacy of my own home....without people from work and that's just my anger talking not my actual opinion). I'm trying to be adult about the whole ordeal when in reality I could be a spiteful little bitch about it and make his and her life a living hell....but like I said I'm bigger than that. If he doesn't like the fact I can't change my feelings overnight.....than I'm sorry, but TOUGH!!

I know one day I'll be able to be his friend, just right now I have to get through this phase. I am moving on I'll tell you that, just one day at a time. Everyday I realize another reason I'm kinda glad were not a couple anymore ... like the insane amount of jealously he has with the person he's with. It's just a slower process for me. I was, after all, the dumpee not the dumper.

Dayne will not be the last man I'll ever have the pleasure to love. He was just the first I loved as much as I did.

Wait for it.....

Wait for it........


Then it happens. You know it's coming. Eventually it's going to happen, then it does. I suppose it's a relief in someway, now I don't have to wait anymore, but I still hate it when it does happen.

Wondering what I'm talking about? Well, I finally got the 'I told you so' phone call from my mother. Somehow/someway every mother seems to think they are the expert on relationships and needs to give you every piece of advice that may pop into her head. My mother is the same way.

Started out nice enough. Her inviting me me Easter brunch, this year were going out instead of cooking at home. Then she just came out with it. The 'I told you not to loose yourself in that relationship'... 'I told you not to depend on him as much as you did' ... and 'I knew there was someone else' and my personal favorite....'I told you he'd loose interest if you didn't do something about it.' "It" being my weight ladies and gentlemen.

Now I LOVE my mother. But my mom has a way of just picking at me to the point I want to punch her. I was actually starting to feel better. I went an entire 36 hours without crying my eyes out or talking about him...then she starts in on me. Finally I just lost it (mind you I'm at work so I can't really LOOSE it) I told her as far as I was concerned at this moment Dayne was a selfish bastard who didn't care about anyone else but himself and getting his dick wet. I'm upset because I've never had to experience the cruel side of Dayne until now. And if she didn't mind .. I was sick of hearing the I told you so's, and if she didn't have anything else to talk to me about, our conversation was done. Mom's are great aren't they.

She's also upset I won't come spent the night on Saturday before brunch. Um....Mom, in case you didn't know this....IT'S MY BIRTHDAY that night. I'm not spending Saturday night, let alone my birthday on your couch in the middle of no where Wisconsin. THANKS, but I'm down enough that would be a kick in the teeth.

On a lighter note though, I did end up going out with Stan on Saturday for Sandy and Structure's birthday. I wasn't going to go, because of this funk I've been in....but then I figured HELL I'm damn cute I'm only 27 and I'm going to go out and shake my groove thing for the first time in forever. And that's exactly what I did. Strolling into the house at 6am when the suns coming up isn't something I've done for ages.

I had a great time. Put several notches back in my self esteem with the compliments I received...and even was flirted with by a few cute men. Yeah I might have a few extra pound I'm carrying around mom....but it didn't seem to stop people from looking in my direction :)

I'm out.

So, in case you were wondering the only good thing that has come out of my life in the last 3 months....I've lost close to 15 pounds. 7 of it I've lost since Saturday since everytime I eat .. I throw up. I'm taking baby steps with the eating now that my tummy is getting better, some fruit, some toast...dry popcorn. But honestly everything just tastes horrible.

I have been running though. I when I say running....I do mean RUNNING. Usually I say that and I've just been walking quickly. Now, I'm running. I have to find a way to get rid of this aggregation. I have to find away to get my mind off the two of them.

I'm still fighting the urge to call him. But I haven't (except for one work related issue). I still want to know how he's doing, and what he's doing, or if he needs anything. I want to hear his voice....and one of those stupid comments he makes to make me laugh and smile. But he's got someone else for all those things now, and I'm trying hard to accept that. I still can't help to think this all happened because I wasn't good enough. I still want him, but we can't have everything we want can we? You know, I wonder if he still reads this thing......

Well, the b-day is a week from tomorrow. Obviously I'm not too thrilled with the idea. Hopefully I'll surround myself with friends and I'll feel better. But, at least this year I already know the bad thing that's going to happen....cause it already has. This year I thought I was actually going to get away with it. I was going to have a birthday without a disaster.....WRONG!

Maybe Heather's right I do need a summer fling.....any prospects? Little help, please?

I have an idea....when your depressed about something...DON'T READ OLD ENTRIES IN YOUR BLOG!

Like June 29th 2004...........

I have a question. Question is...why is it I know I need to say goodbye to Dayne for now anyway so we can both start new....but I REALLY want to call and talk to him and see how he's doing?

Is that normal? Can you possibly be mad at someone and at the same time CRAVE to hear their voice? It it possible the someone could frustrate and hurt you so much, but the sound of their voice soothes you in some way?

Is this becoming an obsession? Why can I not go one day without saying his name? Why do I hurt more now than when we actually broke up? This is all too much......

I did finally fall asleep last night. Thanks to Matt....he came over and held me, let me know I wasn't alone and just laid there stroking my hair until I finally fell asleep. (and for people who keep asking...no there's nothing sexual going on...I make it a point not to flirt with taken men!) It was comforting....and for once I closed my eyes without thinking of ... well let's just not mention that. Granted I only got about 4 hours sleep, but it was more than I've had in days! Now I just have to let my tummy calm down enough that I don't throw up when I eat....I'm getting there....one step at a time.

This healing process sucks!

On a completely unrelated note. I did get my MRI results back. Their are some MINOR irregularities, things they are going to want to watch out for because they may cause future problems. But my brain is there....and functional. They are saying I'm probably experiencing migranes due to extreme stress. Best part!? There's NOTHING I can do about it expect find a stress reliever. Well...thanks doc. I used to have sex for that....someone wanna help me out with this?!