I've had it!!!!!!

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to cry everyday. I want to be able to sleep at night without crying myself to sleep at three am. I want to eat a meal without either throwing up (which is happening a lot lately) or feeling like I'm going to afterward. I want to not want him any more. I want the desire to grab him and kiss him to go away. I want to be able to say I don't care about what he does. I want to not mention his name everyday out of either habit or emotional turmoil. I want to really believe he's a jerk that everyone says he is. I want to believe I really do have something to offer someone else. I want to not feel this pathetic!

I psych myself everyday to come to work....and be strong and ok and not let people know I'm dying inside. Instead I find myself breaking down ... every damn time. I never realized someone could have this big of an effect on me. I haven't cried this much since my grandfather passed away, and no one here died! (well besides the relationship anyway) I don't want to feel like this any more!

I gave him his stuff back today. Things I've been holding onto in hopes that he would actually come over an pick them up...so we could talk and I could just touch him one last time. He gave the most incredible hugs. But he thought it best that I bring them here. I can't even believe I don't know where he lives anymore......

I wrote him a letter....Probably not too smart on my part, but I had to get it all out. And I did, and then I said goodbye and wished him the best with the new girl. Although it kills me to think of not only the two of them in each others arms, but the thought of him saying the things to her he used to say to me. Or the plans we used to make, now he's making those with her. This is why I say goodbye to him right now. I'm raging with jealously! I can't even explain how much I want him back. How much I love him and I can't make him see that. Too little too late as he says. I couldn't do it then ... now it's too late.

I blame me. I blame myself for feeling this way. I just want it to stop now, and that I definitely don't know how to do that. I know I'm sick of feeling like I've been kicked in the face. I need to be held.... well Happy Birthday to me.....The guy I love is fucking someone new.....

So....looks like I have a lot to tell.

I did move into the new place. It's cool cause it's mine....but it's weird since I've never lived by myself before. I find myself inviting people over ALL the time. Which for the most part is a good and bad thing. Good because I don't feel so alone all the time, bad because when I kick everyone out and go to bed....I suddenly feel VERY alone. I don't know why that is.

The move went well, we were done by 12:30, record timing considering we had to get those couches up three flights of stairs! Everything was unpacked by the end of the next day. So I suppose I'm settled....but not settled.

I'm still in the process of moving on. As one persons says....I'm being pathetic. Maybe it's the newness of being alone....maybe it's that he's decided to date someone new (and gorgeous I mind you)...maybe it's because I'm PMSing but I've been missing him move in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 3 months. Granted I just found out about the new girlfriend, but it didn't help.

I'm not sure and haven't come to terms if I miss him or being with someone. I just know that right now, I've had offers, but it just doesn't FEEL right yet. It doesn't feel like I'm cheating anymore. But more like uncomfortable. Like I don't fit. With him....I fit.

My life is starting new now, and I'm surrounded by friends which is more than cool. And eventually I will move on....Hopefully that will be sooner than later. Anyone know any cute available men? But for the mean time, I'm just be a sap :) I just hope he does know he has a friend in me. And he will always have a huge place in my heart (not to mention a chuck of it in his hand.) And I hope he realizes that I will be here for him. I just wish I made him realize that months ago......congrats to him and her though. I hope she knows what a wonderful man she has and if I had the chance, I'd take him back in a heart beat :)

I guess the saying is true....if you love something you have to set it free.......

Ok, to CLARIFY something.....

Dayne did not inadvertent lie to me. I FEEL as though he did because I feel that he was saying things just to make me happy...and to me that's a lie.

I do not in any way believe that he flat out lied to get me in the sack, or to lead me on.....but I do feel as though if one were to really love someone as much as he told me he loved me that you would just leave someone as easily as he seems to have left our relationship.

And just for the record....I do not know how he feels...he could be hurting just as much as I am. He doesn't share those feelings with me anymore...so I'm clueless. This is just what I feel and feel I have observed from his behavior towards me when I see and talk to him.

This blog is just an expression on how I FEEL on things. I know Dayne is a good person, and a wonderful man, otherwise I wouldn't express 20 million times how I want him back. I'm just hurt. And when your hurt you tend to beat yourself up....

Lookie what I bought for the new place.....

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=2400585&cat=105905&type=1&dept=101849&path=0%3A101849%3A101861%3A91790%3A165854

AND

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=2018616&cat=105905&type=1&dept=101849&path=0%3A101849%3A101861%3A91790%3A165854

Friking Sweet.......

Ok, so I'm starting to feel a little better.

The pity party is slowly coming to an end. Not to say that I don't still feel pretty crappy.....but I'm starting to realize Dayne is not the last man I'm ever going to love. Although it feels like that right now....someday in someway I will fall in love again. And when I do it'll be with someone who accepts me for my flaws and loves me for my quirkiness. I'm moving in 5 days. I need to start a new life without him.

Although I'd love to start a life with him....he does not feel the same way about me. (which makes me laugh because he told me I was everything he has and didn't know what he would do without me.....seems to me he's doing just fine.) Funny how this time last year he would tell me everyday he wanted to be my husband.....and a year later he can't even talk to me at work....why must men lie?!

Anyway.....I just hacked of the hair, got a new place, started taking yoga, and I'm slowly losing a few pounds. Granted I just found out I owe the freakin' government like $1400 (screw the system) and I'm actually starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Now if I wasn't so terribly sexually frustrated I might be ok :) It's a hard transition from sex nearly everyday....to NOTHING....but I'll make it....I do still have that porn that looks like Liz....hahahahahahahahaha.....

My favorite song.....

I need a spirt that can touch my life....
I need a voice to speak the truth.

I need a soul that will be on my side...
Someone whos heart I'll never loose.

Someone like you....
Somebody like you....
Someone like you....
Someone like you...

Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are right....
Sometimes I know they'll all come true.

I need somebody who can move my world...
Someone who knows just what to do.

Someone like you....
Somebody like you....
Someone like you.



Ascension-Someone

If you can tell me what album I'm listening to .... besides Beth ... I will be very impressed.

I think there may be something wrong with me.

I mean really am I the only 27 year old girl who actually wants to be monogamous and get married to someone I love and loves me back?

Honestly, it seems everyone I know now a days has no desire to be in a relationship....or at least a real one anyway. (except you Beth but you've been in a relationship since I met you....Different guys, but always in one) I've got a good friend who can't be without someone and when she isn't she's devastated...for about a week until she finds someone new. Then she sucks that relationship dry....more devastation, more moving on in another week. WHY!!??

I mean honestly I'm not a fan of being single. Which I'm coming to terms with right now. I have very little self worth since the break up, but what the hell....you expected me to be happy about losing someone I love. But there is NO WAY in a week (ok even 6 weeks at this point) I could even think about moving on to the next guy.

Granted I'm a flirt, but it stops there. Harmless flirting. I honestly believed for a while there that the Brit and I would reconcile and he would want me back. Well 6 weeks later and he's officially not even coming out to smoke with me anymore because he feels we need some serious space in order to move on. I wasn't ready for that. Damn my dreams. It's just hard for me to understand how a year ago this same man said he would do anything to be my husband, now he doesn't even want to be in the same room with me because he's afraid we may get 'involved' and that would be bad. How does one change one's mind so quickly.

What ever happened to the times when people actually fought to be in relationships with others. My parents married after knowing each other for 3 months, my father had only been divorced for 7 days when they married. You think a year later when they started to realize they were 2 VERY different people they got divorced and moved on?! NO....my parents toughed it out. Made it a point to do things both he and she liked, found ways to make their relationship work.

Now they had rough times, LOTS of rough times. But you know what they faced them and worked it out. NO ONE DOES THAT ANYMORE. Including me. I do everything in my power to not make waves just to keep someone in my life, I end up losing them. Why?! I have NO idea.

I guess my one dream in life is to just be there for someone and have someone be there for me. I want to be married and have someone to go home to everynight to cuddle with and tell them about my day. I want to be able to fight with someone and know there's no easy walking away and that we'll have to find a solution. I want to be able to help my significant other feel better when they're blue. I want to be there to support my man in rough times. I even want a built in movie partner even when I do want to see the cheesy chick flick or you want to see the bad action movie. I want someone to make dinner for besides myself. And most of all I want to be loved.....and I want to feel like I'm going to love someone like again.

Is this too much to ask?